personal

1-2 years

No name, December 2009
Ok well I lost my gran 1 year ago in september 08.
It was so hard 2 loose her, I mean i still cry now.
I was wiv my mum when it happened- she lived in Ireland so my dad was across wiv her. My mum said
Ive just got a text from dad- your gran died-we may have 2 go across 2 ireland on ur birthday
Lukily we didnt
But i still miss her every day

eve - age 13, December 2009
my grandma died just over 2 years ago i am lost with out her and i cant beleive it had to happen to her, she was diagnosed with breast cancer and then had a heart attack after the operation she was one of my best friends and i could turn to her for anything.

ellie, November 2009
i lost my mum and to be honest my dad is now dating my aunt, its just not right? i harm myself so much because of it, i have even tried killing myself, i just need you guys help? i can go on anymore, its been a year and 3 months since she died, and i haven't been myself, i need your help RD4U otherwise, i might not be able to make this,

From RD4U team: We are sorry to hear that you have lost your mum and in addition you are also distressed by your dad dating your aunt. This all sounds very difficult for you. I hope we can help. It is good that you have posted this message and then other young people will reply. We also have a Freephone Helpline on 08088081677 which is open from 930am to 5pm Monday to Friday. Another good helpline is Childline on 0800 1111 which is open 24 hours a day. We have branches of well trained bereavement support workers across the country and details of all our branches are on our website www.cruse.org.uk Hope this is helpful.

No name, 17 Novembwer 2009
get very angry with people around me. my dad died 2 yrs this christmas.

No name, November 2009
hi i lost my new father in law just over a year ago i hadnt known him very long before he died and he died a couple of weeks after i married his only son i just wish i could have got to know him better and because he died so sudden i never had the chance to say good bye

Abbie, October 2009
My dad died nearly 2 years ago and i cant talk to any body about it coz no one knows what i have been though i was 13 when i seen my dad died in the hospital i cant get the pic of his face out of my head i just wont thinks to back to normal i cry most nights when i think about him i wake up some mornings and just get angry with every body ever since he died i have been gettin into trubble drinkin and somkin and getting arrested and not goin to skool i just think some times i dont wont to live my life with out him so i just get my self into trubble its brakin my family up its already broke my nan and my uncel up i dont wont to do any more damage to my family or my life i just wont to move on but i just cant .

Hannah, October 2009
2 years ago on th 12 of october my mum died but i feel happy because it is not all bad and earth shattering i may still get treated like a little kid (i am 13) but that is just everyone protecting me. over these past 2 years i have found that music has changed my life becase i feel happy more often though i do feel sad when i listen to some songs but thats because he is also dead (he is called MICHAEL JACKSON) and i dont care what anyone thinks about him he is the best and he has changed my life just by his amazing singing. so it is all not just sadness i can be happy you just have to let yourself be happy.

Laura, October 2009
I lost my nan in 2007 just 4 months before the birth of my daughter. I still get upset and think about her a lot she was my rock.
In my heart i know she is their watching us all. Miss you nan RIP!

chickz, October 2009
my uncle died two years ago and i still havnt got over the greiving stage.
me and my uncle were really close, he was like a second dad to me.
he was an alcoholic but he also had cancer + MR.
The doctors and the coroner told the family that the alcohol had in no way to do with his death, although if he had of cut down on his drinking there would have been a chance he could have survived.
my uncle had depression because he lost contact with his 3 children after his ex wife left, and he lost both his parents (my grandparents) when they sadly passed on, and also about 8 years ago my uncle had cancer and survived it, then it returned, everything got on top of him and he became depressed which started his drinking.
Because he drank, his kids who are all over the age of 18 now, refused to have anything to do with him, and the family kind of gave him a hard time about his drinking, including me.
When my uncle was taken into hospital it made me feel a lot safer for him, because i knew he couldnt have a drink.
He was in hospital for a couple of months, his last few months with us infact, and he slowly started losing weight, soon enough he had no body fat at all, he was like a skelton, it was scary to look at. Then the hospital let him go home, and every monday, wednesday and friday i would head up to his house to help him with cleaning etc.. because he could barely walk.
Then 2 weeks before he died, i was up as usual and all of a sudden he started shouting at me, i hadnt done anything wrong, it was because he was in pain. I was only 16 at the time so it scared me a bit so i just left the flat, and i never returned. Yeah he rang to say how sorry he was and we made up on the phone, but i was too shaken up to return to the flat alone because of the way he spoke to me, so i never went back.
Two weeks later he was found dead. I was shocked at first, then i screamed, then i cried. I didnt no what had happened to me, my whole life came crashing down. My uncle meant the world to me, although at times i may not have shown it too him, he still knew in his heart i loved him. He spoilt me like i was his own daughter. And i loved him like a father. He told me a lot of things about previous family members who had passed on and he told me a lot of stories about my life as i was growing up. I loved listening to his stories especially the stories he told me when i was a child. They were amazing.
But when i was told my uncle was found dead, it was a wednesday. The cornoner had told us that he had been laying dead for 2 days, which meant he actually died on a monday.
I felt guilt hit me, my uncle had apologised to me the day we argued and i was too stubborn to go back to his flat, i just felt that if i had of went back i could have beent there the day he collasped and left us, and then i could have possibly saved his life and kept him here that tiny bit longer.
2years has now passed and i have just been digonosed with clinical depression, and i doubt i will ever get over greiving for my special uncle. he truely was one in a million.

Shannon, September 2009
my dad died over two years ago now, but it isnt getting any easier. u just learn 2 cope with it, and thats what people mean by saying that it DOES get easier. the problem is, i live with mi stepmum who is being a complete and utter bitch about my own mum, who didnt look after me when i was younger because ive got diabetes and couldnt look after myself. also, she said some pretty horrible stuff 2 my stepmum. but it wasnt her fault tht she sed tht stuff cos shes schitzophrenic and she has 2 be on medication.i love mi mum 2 bits but with mi stepmum like this whenever i bring her up sometimes i just feel like completely leaving home permanently and moving to live with my mum. i dont know what to do. i want to tell someone how i feel but if i told mi stepmum, all id get is probably a slap and a guilt trip.which is pretty annoying.

Amy, September 2009
Mum died just over a year ago, it was kinda sudden she was only diagnosed with cancer 6months beforehand. She died a week before my 16th birthday ooya that was tough. but guys, just cause someone died dont mean you have to stop living your life. i ran the race for life 2 days after my mum died. raised over £500! im now in my final year at school and looking forward. theres no point living in the past you'll remember them forever no matter what. just keep your chin up and remember the good times, no matter how hard it is. :)

eliza, September 2009
my best friend killed herself on 14th september and died on 16th 2007. she was in a coma after an overdose for 2 days and i never got to say a proper goodbye! its been 2 years and i still cant believe what happened! i wasnt able to go to funeral and the week before she killed herself she called me everyday wanting to talk but i couldnt give her the time because i had to prepare for a mock GCSE exam. i still cant help blaming myself for what happened even tho i know i shouldnt. i also never got any closure or properly grieved. i just want her back in my life and to be able to talk to her when i feel bad and like killing myself too. RIP my beautiful katie xxx

No name, September 2009
i have lost both of my grandads one 3 years ago and the other 1 last year. i still find it hard to cope but i am scared that i will forget them. i still love them soooo much and wish i could bring them back. but now i am starting to learn that they are in a better place and aren't suffering anymore.

Tash, September 2009
I lost my best friend who was a big part of me on the 17th April 2008 to suicide and the pain is still as bad as then. In fact, it aches even more as the days go pass without her in my life. All i ask is, why? Why was I not there when she needed me? Why did her attempt work? Those questions will forever go unanswered and my life is so empty without her. I can't believe she's not coming back. I just wish i was with her.

Chloe, July 2009
My mum died when i was 11 i think.Im 12 now but 13 on the 1st August.Im not sure what she died of i would really like to know but im too scared too ask. When i lost my mum i couldnt sleep, and i couldnt eat. She was great and no one could replace her because of who she was but i never knew she was going to die. I read some of the other peoples on here i didnt want to let her go either. I just want her back it will be 2 years in October

No name, June 2009
my mum died on the 17th of may 2008 it broke my heart! it was very sudden one minute she was playing the computer and the next she was flown to sydney put on life support and we had to say goodbye. it was the hardest thing ever.. how do you say goodbye forever to your mum... it tore me to peices. yeah im stronger for it but i would do anything to have her back. shes not gunna be there if i get married, have kids anything..gone forever..
it hurts so much waking up and her not being here.
for all you who have lost your mum, hang in there.

HANNAH, April 2009
MY MUM DIED AND SOON IT WILL BE 2 YEARS IN OCTOBER BUT I NEVER GET TO SEE HER. NOW I CAN ONLY SAY WHAT IS TRUE BECAUSE I KNOW THAT IT IS PART OF MY LIFE NOW BUT IT RUINS MY LIFE BECAUSE I AM LOSING MY FRIENDS IN MY CLASS, I CANT DO ANY THING I USUALLY DO LIKE WATCHING TV, GO ON THE COMPUTER AND ANY THING I DO OR SAY ENDS UP AS PEOPLE HATING ME. I NEED HELP BUT I DONT GET MUCH BECAUSE NOBODY UNDERSTANDS ME ANY MORE.
MUM YOUR MY GARDIAN ANGEL. GUIDE ME TO A HAPPIER PLACE PLEASE.

DEBORAH April 2009
HI,I LOST MY STEPDAD 2 YRS AGO TO 2 HEART ATTACKS WITHIN A WEEK,AND HE GOT UP ON EMORNING ALL CHIRPY AND SAID GOOD MORNING TO ME AND THEN HALF AN HR LATER I FOUND HIM DEAD IN MY LOUNGE,HE WAS ALL BLUE AND I HONESTLY THOUGHT HE'D HAD A STROKE,BUT-IT WAS A HEART ATTACK.I HAVENT GOT OVER THIS STILL 2 YRS ON,MY MUM WHO I LIVE WITH HAS WIPED MY STEPDAD TOTALLY OUT OF THE HOUSE NOW SHE HAS A NEW PARTNER AND I ACN'T EVEN TALK TO HER ABOUTHIS DEATH,I HAVE HAD NO ONE TO TALK TO OR FOR EMOTONAL SUPPORT,IM SO DEPRESSE RITE NOW,NOT SLEEPING AND PUTTING ON WEIGHT BECAUSE I'M COMFORT EATING.

Emily, April 2009
its 2 years scince my grandad past away he was ill from various things including cancer i found it hard seeing him in pain but id rather that than him die i missed him loads i thought it was the end of the world but now i realise it was better for him thet way and i have loads of good memorys to look back on

Tom, April 2009
My brother died 2 years ago of after losing his relatively short battle with cancer. I was away at uni during that time and around the time of his death and funeral and the months that followed I just didn't feel much pain. I can remember vividly how on the day I got the call from my dad to say that he had passed away I had to physically make myself cry as I thought that was what I should be doing.

2 years on and I feel as though I am just starting to grieve. I can't stop thinking about what kind of man my big brother would have turned into and how well we would have got on now that I am passed the lazy student days. I really do miss him dearly and more so than that I miss the life we once had when he was around. I want to think that things will get easier but Im really not too sure. I just can't stop thinking.

jemimah, March 2009
it was 2 years past in october when my best friend had died . i find it more harder to deal with now as i just had a wee girl in november. it more hard now cause i would of seen that friend like a mum. and it a shame she wont see my daughter. n e advice to deal wi this

Melissa, March 2009
My Mum was an alcoholic and in so much pain from sexual abuse. her pain eased by drink. i never knew, she went to re-hab on many occasions then left my father who loved her dearly, it went from good to worse, she seemed happy then she started drinking again and after a long divorce it seemed she was ok and stopped agin or so i was told then i got a phone call from my brother telling me she had passed and i laughed at him he repeated himself and i put the phone down and threw up he called again and my husband answered it was not true not my mummy i kept saying no no no. nothing over the next few days were real her funeral a blur i just slept it away hanging on to the feeling of waking its only a dream but its not. that was 2 years ago it still hurts

joey, March 2009
my dad died 2 years ago just after christmas and i enaed up self harming for like a week or 2 and then i couldnt handle school or seeing anything that reminded me of my dad i couldnt cope i didnt know what to do i didnt know how to do anything but then i saw one of my still alive gaurdian angels lucy she helpt me out and let me talk to her and it helpt to just talk to someone who you loved

zoe, March 2009
it was a year on the 13th of january since i lost my mom.
when i was young my dad was ill with a brain haemorrhage and nearly died. my mom looked after me through the whole thing she always new what to say or what to do. i was badly bullied for years and she was my best friend through all of it she stood by me and new me better than anyone.
then in the space of two days she died from a brain haemorrhage. i dont want to tell the full story cause its painful to talk about it. i remember being told that i had to say goodbye and i did. i dont think i cried because in my head it wasnt true because my mom couldnt be dead. the one who told me that awful joke just 48 hours ago. the one who gave me a cuddle cause i was down. for about 2 weeks after when i was of school i used to sit and watch the door expecting her to come home. now i have finally come to terms with the fact that she isnt coming back, and on some levels that hurts more than losing her. theres just so much i wish i could have said, i also ended up hurting alot of people around me because i wanted them to feel my pain, i regret that. i just want to make her proud.

Heather, March 2009
My Mum died two years ago. We had bought a house with a "granny Flat" for my Mum & Dad to live with myself, husband and our two children in 2001. Dad died very suddenly in January 2004. I know the three years we lived together allowed him to live his final years, really happy with no problems.
In autumn 2006, Mum fell in the kitchen and broke her hip.
She had her hip replaced and a couple of weeks before Christmas, she came home. We had a lovely Christmas together,and I took time off work just to spend time wth her and help her recover. On 30th December, she began with breathing problems, went back into hospital, where I was told her body was reacting to the shock of the operation and at the age of 86 she died on 7th January 2007. I miss my Dad but I had Mum to look after.
I am an only child, Dad was in the RAF, and although we travelled together as a family, alot of the time it was just my Mum and me.
When Mum died I know she was happy to go and I have a feeling that Dad came to collect her. I miss Mum so much, but I am lucky to have been brought up by two wonderful people, and now have a wonderful family of my own. But it would be nice to hear from cousins and other relatives. Out of all my extended family, only one Aunt, her son and wife have kept in touch with me. Maybe they don't know what to say?, but anything would be nice.

Kourtney, March 2009
My mum died 2 years ago. ( aug 27th 2007). she was only 33 at the time. we were out riding out horses down a little lane. and a stupid lorry driver came speeding round the corner and knocked her off the horse :( x

francesca.x.x, February 2009
it was horrible when it happend it was 2 years ago when my mum died i was only coming home from sunshine house and i was only eleven and me and my sister got brought home in a car and they would not tell us why they were bringing us home in the car and why not the bus when we got home me sisters took us into my mams room and broke the news to us at that point i jus wanted to die myself but it was just the way i felt it was horrible i wish i was there to say i loved her 1 last time (R.I.P) X X X X X

No name, February 2009
My mum had Multiple Sclerosis. She never told me. When she was pregnant in 2004 with my sister she caught pneumonia. She had that, a relapse and a cesarian all at once. She got really ill.
She lost her memory a little, then her mobility. She slowly was deteriorating.
She died on 17th November 2007. I still cry.

Lynda, February 2009
How do u carry on for all the years you have left without your mum being there. My mum died 2 and a half years ago when i was 18.

I cant begin to imagine 20 years from now when she has beome a distant memory, and then another 20 years. I dread to think that i wont be able to remember her, or the way she was and her personality.

Her death opened my eyes up to the real world, and i despise what i see. I want to go back to the blissful ignorance of my childhood or just leave this cruel world forever.

From RD4U:
I am sorry to hear that your mum died two and a half years ago. It is good that you have sent this message and then other young people will reply. We also have a Freephone Helpline on 08088081677 which is open from 93oam to 5pm Monday to Friday. Also if you want to see one of our bereavement support workers there are details of our branches on our website www.cruse.org.uk Hope this is helpful. Best wishes

deborah, February 2009
last year on new years eve, i lost my greatgranda threw alsimers, i was really sad but glad at the same time he was really ill!!
:( :( :( and still am what sud i do? :( :( :(

Lisa, January 2009
My mother was taken 18 years ago this month. everytime i feel the cold winter air, I feel the terrible feeling of standing in the cemetary. hearing the hard clots of dirt pouring down on her beautiful champaine colored coffin. I stand close beside my father. the man who pulled the trigger. everyday i wonder: did her do it in anger? was he screaming at her or was he saying he was sorry for what he was about to do? and then the best one, the one that gets me thru the day (still) is: it was an accident. yes, he wouldn't have meant to kill her just scare her right? they had been married 33 years. I was the 6th of 8 children. Why daddy? I need her...........don't you?
18 years. yes it gets easier. but there will be a day or two, usually in Jnauary. I seem to have a relapse and cry a few hours. I miss her so much and I also miss him. He left the day she did.(in my heart) but i love him because she did.
I have moved on but ususally by putting it out of my mind and doing what I have to do but i never forget. it is with me. the crime, the pain, the loss.
Just keep moving forward. do what you have to do. Be honest with yor self. remember the good times.
I love you Mommy, you were a kind, loving woman, RIP

Amy, January 2009
12th October 2007 my step mum died and dad went into hospitial
12 Decamber 2007 dad came out of hospitial
17th December 2007 my step mums little girls 3rd birthday
17th April 2008 step mums birthday
4th March 2008 2dads birthday
27th September 2008 mine and my twins 15th birthday
17th December 2008 my step mums little girls 4t birthday
27th 2008 December xmas day

Sarah, January 2009
Its almost two years since she left. i cant believe it. I look at her picture and I see a stranger. The memories I had of her are now nothingness; blurry pieces of nothingness that are in snapshots. I dont remember her like i used to and i wish i could. My life is not complete without her.
I cant move on from the fact she isnt here anymore. It feels like I'm stuck in pure denial and my head cant comprehend the fact that shes dead.
this is my mum we're talking about. MY MUM. People take forgranted the fact they're parents aren't goin to die til they're at least 70. she was 41.

Naomi, January 2009
In 2006 My great grandad died then in 2007 my Grandad died then in 2008 my mums girlfriend hung herself x(R.I.P)

zoe, December 2008.
i lost my brother in 2007, he was 18. he was my bestfriend, we did pretty much everything together, I told him all my secrets and he told me his, christmas is the hardest time for me, doesn't feel like its a family time, my family isn't complete without my brother, him and my dad are the first guys i loved and i will always love him, even though he is gone, no one can replace the love i have for him. I have been taking my emotion out on my body physically hurting myself purposly, i cant help it. ive been on suicidal watch and everything, i feel i have found one boy who is capeable of changing my world around, he's one guy who deserves better than me but i truly think he can change me, help me through these bad stages, help me get my life back on track, help me stop self harming. but i want him to respect the reason why i've been doing it.

From RD4U
I am very sorry to hear that you lost your brother in 2007. This is sad and difficult. It is good that you say that eventhough he is gone you will always love him and no one can replace the love you have for him. It is also good that you have written this timeline experience.
You also say how you have been taking out your emotion on your body. I hope you can talk to someone about this- perhaps your dad or the doctor or another trusted adult. Do also think about phoning our Freephone Helpline on 08088081677 which is open from 930am to 5pm Monday to Friday. There is also Childline on 0800 1111 which is open 24 hours a day.

It is good that you have found one boy who is capable of changing your world round. Hopefully he will understand the effect that the loss of your brother is having on you and will be able to support you and help you to stop self harming.

If you would like to see one of our well trained bereavement support workers do contact your local Cruse branch and details of our branches are on our website www.cruse.org.uk It can be so helpful to have siome meetings with a support worker. Perhaps also think about posting a message on this rd4u website as well as a timeline experience. Also there is an email service. If you send an email through the site one of the rd4u team will reply.
Best wishes

Harriet, 28 November 2008
My brother died 18 months ago in quite tragic cercumstances.We dont know what really happened or when really.It was his 20th birthday on the 25th of november. It was quite hard and sometimes i have no one to talk to about it because i cant always talk to my friends because they dont listen and i find it hard to talk to my mum and dad because i dont want to upset them.When i think about my brother i get a heavy feeling in my stomach and i can sometimes handle it but sometimes i cant.

No name, 17 November 2008
My uncle died over 2 years ago. It's his birthday today and I miss him lots

No name, October 2008
I Lost My Gran In 2006 Yet Every Year It Get Harder I Hate That Dreadful When She Died I Miss Her Soo Muchh But I Will Alway love Her No Matter What. I Felt Scared,Frosen,Upset Like A Part Of Me Wasn't Ther Any More:(. To Anybody Who Read This And Have Been Through The Same Your Not Alone!!!!

jANET September 2008
I never got to say good bye to my dad, he passed away peacefully on the 11 of november 2007 his name was Alex .when i arrived at the hospital that morning he had just passed away.Iwill never forget his face that day,all i could say was he is still warm,i did not tell hime how much i loved him, when he was alive, if i could only turn the clock back, my heart is broken, i will never ever be the same again,o daddy i miss you and love you so much and always will till the day i die,god bless you daddy. xxx

Katie, 8 September 2008
My Mum died 2 years ago. i was 16 at the time and i have not dealt with her death since then. My mum suffered from MS for many years, during this time i looked after my mum and had days of school. It was a sudden and painful death for everyone that new and loved her accept for me as i wouldn't accept she had died. In the recent couple of months since i have started thinking about things i have been taking my anger out on friends and family and not being a nice person. this weekend i realised that the best thing for me to do would be to talk to someone so im taking the first step in adding this message this site to make the first step in dealing with my Lovely Mum's death.
Miss you Mum... will always love you xxxxxxxx

No name, September 2008
My current girlfriend and I have been together for a half a year now. I am the first relationship she has had since her last boyfriend (lets call him john) passed away about 8 months before we began dating.

I know its hard on her, but an issue I haven't seen posted here is the opposite viewpoint. How do you date a person who has lost a significant other in the past? Its really hard on me as well. I feel as though I'm always going to be playing for second. I love her so much, but sometimes I feel like she wishes I was him. It really troubles me and I dont know how to cope with that.

innie and is, August 2008
i lost my boyfriend of two n half years in a motorcycle accident in vietnam - we had travelled to this island - did everything we could to get there - a 12 hour boat ride with locals after missing the all flights - we didnt even get a nite together on the island

it will be three years this november - i miss him so much my body aches - i think he is fed up with me wasting my life in darkness but sometimes its all i feel - im at a point now i want to laugh and share with another male but i dont even know where to start - its hard when all you live and breath is the love of a man you will never see again - how can you let someone else in? they dont know what its like

im praying that the love of my life helps me find that new someone that i can give new love to - i hope they try to understand

but i will never ever forget and long to be reunited in the light of love

No name, August 2008
my dad took my mum's life, me & my brother found her. she had been away for a month , it had only been 2 weeks since she came back. he had stabbed her twice. my mum had suffered all her life, as much as i miss her and wonder about 'what if' she's safe now. 3 i was only 16, i failed all my AS exams, 2 years on and now i avoid all my friends and cousins, because when i'm in a crowd i feel so alond and awkward. i regret everything, i took my mum for granted.

ankit, August 2008
i am going to marry a girl who was in love with a guy ... but she lost him 1.5 yrs back and she has told me this coz she trusts me and wanna be fair with me.. though she never ever had any sort of physical relationship with him but smwhere inside her mind i feel he is still there.. and i feel very uneasy though i listen to her and have helped her to over come this grief.. but i sometimes feel tht she compares me to him in her head and i just dont like tht feeling.. wat do i do.... she is the first n last gal in my life and i expect her full love but i doubt if she will ever be able to forget him and wud be able to give me her true love... she always says tht she loves me but i dont know i just dont want myself to be compared with a guy who is no more.... wat do i do... will ever this situation is goin to ok for me....

Mandie, August 2008
My mum died of Leukaemia over two years ago now, five days before my 16th birthday on the day of one of my GCSE's. I barely cried on the day or afterwards. the day after she died I had to tell the school where she worked at and i stil didn't cry. the teachers that worked there said that I was so strong and my dad and sister were so lucky to have me to support them because i was so strong.

I barely even cried at the funeral because everyone was there and i kept thinking that everyone needs me to be strong and not cry, I can never let anyone ever see upset. I needed everyone to think that i'm so strong that nothing can ever hurt me just so i can then get my strength to carry on from them.

I had completely shut the emotion part of me down because I can never let anyone see me like that. but after two years of constantly pretending there comes a point where the front breaks down. I now feel like I should have felt then. At the minute I feel lost and alone. My mates are always supportive but none of them know how i feel. I feel like I'm pushing them away because i don't want to hurt them or worry them when i feel really low and self distructive.

I still miss her loads. I just wish that i could see her again, have another hug and never let go. I hate the fact that i'm never gonna hear her voice again and i'm never gonna know if she's proud of me. I'm not going to have her for all the important things in my life. It hurts so much.

No name, August 2008
I was only 13 when we became a couple. I had many troubles with my parents and he was the one to acknowledge. We were always together, then he had to move. But we stayed in touch, we remained in love. It was on my 15th birthday then, that day I'll never forget. His mum called me and told me he got badly injured in an accident. I immediately went off to see him. When I arrived, he was dead. How unfair can life be? He was such a bright person, so cheerful and had just turned 17. I loved him so, I still do.
That has happened so long ago. Now I'm almsot 17 myself. But slowly I begin normal life. Without the help of my closest friends I would have never make it. A part of me will always grief for him, but there's also a little part who is glad for what I had with him. And surely enough I will never forget, the love of my life, my savior, Lukas.

Olivia, July 2008
My dad died on december 6th 2006 of cancer. he had it for a year and a bit, and he got better after chemo, but he gradually deterioated and the cancer spread. for the furst couple of days i didn't really cry much, because we had lots of friends around us, but know christmas and his and mine birthdays are hard...they are all close together. i don't really speak about it to friends, just a couple of close friends. i think i have just started my greiving and i know its ok to cry.

Lauren Amy, July 2008
My Mum Died 2 Years Ago When I Was 11.
Nd I Hav A Little Brother Nd He Was 8.
It Was Really Sudden She Had Too Go To Hospital And They Said It Was Going To Be All Ok. But A Cople Of Days Later They Took Her To A Bigger Hospital Where They Could Treat Her Because She Had A Brain Hemerage Which Is Was Blood Clot In Her Head Which Was Really Big Ans It Burst.
And A Cople Of Days After She Was In That Hoospital She Died On The 8th July 2006.
REST IN PEACE MUM!!

Katie, July 2008
My mum died 1 1/2 years ago and people saw it will get better with time. But it seems to me it doesnt. I can never forget her. She was small but she was a big part of everybodys life. At her cremation over 400 people came. We all miss her.

vicky age 13 but 10 when my dad died, July 2008
my dad died 2 yeras ago it will be three years on the 29 of september he died of a brain anorisiom in bed asleep and i wish he was back her with me and my 3 brothers and my 1 sister and my mum i love you dad xxx...xxx

iona, June 2008
my nan dad the 12 of june 2006 of canser my mum said that i would visit her when she got better but she never did

Alice, 30 May 2008
It's been 20 months since the day i was told my boyfreind had accidently strangled himself in an attempt to pass out in order to get a day of school. Since then my life has been in ruins I find it hard to see the point of getting up in the morning knowing he's not there. I go to councilling and I am gradually fighting my suicidal urges but the end of the road to recovery is miles away and i believe it will be years before i properly recover

hannah, May 2008
I am 11 years old and my dad died 2 years ago of a brain haemorrhage in his sleep. I miss him very much I felt very sad when he died. I made a memory box and put some special things in it like his watch, aftershave, a special football top. I miss him every day and special occasions are hard without him I will be confirmed soon and this will be very difficult for me and my mum. Ifeel that my dad is always beside me and looking ater me and my family.

nicky, May 2008
just over 15 months ago i lost my 19 year old brother.
there has been a great hole left in my heart and i need someone special that i can talk to if anyone reads this feel free to contact me through the website thanks

jodie, May 2008
My dad did 2 year ago on the 7th september he died on 7th september 2006 in a car crash i was on holidat wih my mum and sister and step-dad and my dad had got in a car with a friend that wasnt nice and they were goin 70 miles per hour in a 40 zone and my dad was in passenger seat and the driver clided with a van then with another car and cliped curb and car tipped over and the driver climbed out and just sat there some one rang an ambulance and police and my dad was in intensive care for 2 weeks and then in my first 4 days of high school he died ever since i tried killing my self 2wice my mum and step dad split up cos of me and my sisters moing out and no one wants me does any 1 kno what i can do????

Ellie, May 08
i lost my nan 1 1/2 yrs ago to cancer. the hardest times are the special occasions like birthdays and christmas. i miss her more every day but it does get easier as you learn to deal with it.

Insignificant, April 2008
Today [April 10th, 2008] is the 2nd "anniversary" of the day I personally walked in on my Fathers dead body. I walked to his apartment after school, to see why he had not been in contact with any one [family friends boss co-workers] for the past two weeks. I havent spoken a word about it to anyone. My mother is scared i will also committ suicide. My sister talks about him, like he is coming home from vacation tomorrow. None of my friends know. And I fear I might explode into a million schrapnal shards sent flying through the air because of an atom bomb went off when i hear them talk about hating their parents. Then I feel guilty for getting mad because as far as they have been told... my Father is a psychiatrist in an in-patient rehabilitation center that he stays over night at occasionally.
I am 17, he died when I was 15. And if i can give anyone any piece of advice, it would be to find a way to get rid of every ounce of pain you are feeling. Art, Dance, Music, Write, do anything except distract yourself. If you prevent your feelings from being felt, you will end up like me-- a 17 year old girl with no social skills, communication skills, no true feelings. Because any feeling you allow your self to express [anger at your sister for forgetting to pick up the towels off the floor] will be overly dramatic because your repressed feelings will escape with it.
sorry for the long post.
(it's OK however long your posts are)

No name, April 2008
My boyfriend died 2 and a half years ago, he was the most unconciously and genuinly kind, generous and compassionate human being, and was loved by everyone who knew him. I was lucky to have been constantly around his goodness and his limitless giving nature, where nothing was ever too much, and now I keep his memory alive through trying to help others too, give and be receptive to their needs as best I can, because I had such a great role model. There are many beautiful ways to keep memories alive in your heart, this is my way, the pain subsides but the memory does not. And now I can FINALLY say that its time too let go- A big moment for me!

ladybird, March 2008
my boyf died in a car crash back in september 07, that was the worst day of my life. He wasnt just my boyf, he was my best friend. Words will never describe how much i miss him. Sometimes i think it's a dream. The day i found out was horrible. i felt sick knowning i'd lost somebody so close to my heart. I just remember people saying "i'm so sorry" .. i shall never forget him or the memories. You will always be in my heart

***, March 2008
my dad died nearly 2 years ago + then my uncle died 6 months after + my cousin died 2 months after that.
it all hit me so hard espesically bcause i watched my dad die.
the first year + a half went in a numb blur, + i kept telling myself im gonna c him in a couple of weeks. but now its hitting me that im never going to see him again.. i keep trying to kill myself + now everything else is falling apart in my life.
i need help but i dont like aksing 4 it.

soldier g, March 2008
i lost my mum on 14 nov 2006 the day of my grandads birthday i miss her so much it hurts like hell she was the one i went to with all my problems with i miss her so much and i never got to say goodbye i love her so much and i have my dad left and he is the one i talk to now he is becoming my sound board and i love him all the more dad i love you your son

No name, March 2008
I'm 17, and it's nearly 2 years since my mum died, and when i was 11, my dad died.
Me and my Mum had always been really close, i could tell her anything, and then after my dad died that brought us even closer, she was my best friend.
Since my Mum died, i've never really grieved. I blocked it out and never spoke to anyone about it, my brain took charge and i carried on with my life, working hard and taking exams. It was only at night i would ever feel pain, it was so bad i couldn't take it, normaly if i had felt like that i would have gone and hugged my mum and everything would of been alrite. But i couldn't so instead i self-harmed.
I no longer self harm, not because i moved on but because of the trouble of hiding my scars, i don't want to have to hide my arm any more, i don't want to feel ashamed. I'm hoping they'll fade but to be honest i'm probaly scared for life. The only way for me to stop self harming was to block everything out, the moment a thought came into my head i would push it away. Now i don't feel any emotion. I look at a picture of me and my Mum and i feel nothing. My head tells me it is my Mum, but in my heart it is a stranger, that scares the hell out of me.
On the outside im happy, im not pretending i really am. But deep down, theres something, this emptiness, lonelyness and anxiety. I wish i could look at pictures and remember happy times, and be able to think back and feel some kind of emotion, aything, instead of nothing.
MY ADVICE TO ANYONE OUT THERE WHO HAS LOST SOMEONE IS TO TALK. TALK TO ANYONE WHO WILL LISTEN. WRITE, YOUR FEELINGS, DRAW YOUR FEELINGS, ANYTHING TO LET THEM OUT, BUT DO NOT SELF-HARM, IT HELPS IN THE SHORT-TERM, BUT IN THE LONG TERM, YOUR SHOOTING YOURSELF IN THE FOOT. IF YOU NEED TO CRY, CRY, DO NOT BOTTLE IT UP. LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES AND TALK TO SOMEONE, IF THERE ISN'T ANYONE YOU FEEL YOU CAN TALK TO, SEE A COUNSELLOR. PLEASE TRUST THESE WORDS.

Ellis, March 2008
My grandad died 1yr and 3 months ago! i was really close with him, and miss him every day i used to go round his every day after school and slept round his at the weekend.he got cancer but the doctors didnt find out until it was to late. mi nan died wen mi mum was 10 so ive never met her.my dad left me before i was born so my grandad was the only male that i looked up to x rest in peace grandad and anyone who reads this your close family never disappear they are always in your heart x

From: georgia, February 2008
my granny died in december 2006 and i didnt know it until 2nd jan and i wished they told me earlier so i could be there for my family. it was most nightmare in my life. it took me months to get my own life back in track. my uncle just died and felt fuming and stuff like that. he was about 57 years old. he was my granny's son-in-law. i cried for my auntie and my cousin .

From: julie, February 2008
my mum died 2 yrs ago,i still find it hard to accept.i think of her all the time.i visit her graveside weekly.she had breathing difficulties,and now my dad is going down the same route.im so worried. itry to seem happy,wen deep inside,im sad,and very worried for my dad....

From: nat, February 2008
my mum had breast cancer when i was 11, but she got through all of the treatment and got better. however, in 2006, she quickly became ill, and her breast cancer had returned and was blocking her digestive system. she had a painful 2 weeks, but it all passed so quickly, and i was there when she died 6 december.
i still love her and miss her loads, but i find sometimes i feel guilty, because i dont think of her everyday. i think i am still blocking my emotions, but it is soo hard. i struggled through last year and managed to get the grades i wanted, but this year, i just dont seem to care anymore. maybe i just want some attention -my school didnt even offer councilling,and my dad is still to busy grieving himself to notice. my brother has his girlfriend to talk to so i just feel alone. i cant be bothered anymore

From: Kim, 15, Jan 08
So my nan died two years ago and i suppose it does get easier. I still think about her every day and get really upset wen i hav to talk bout her. I can keep the emotions to myself though and you learn to deal with it.

Archive of messages up to the end of 2007