personal

6 - 8 years

hayley, August 2008
my best friend died in a car crash 6 years ago on 8th august

jane, July 2008
i was about 15 at the time when i was told my dad had lung cancer he died a month before i was 16
i love my dad so much im 22 now and i still cant get over his death and yeah i was a daddys girl so it hit me a wee bit harder than it did to my sister
they never got on with each other much (her bein a stubborn teenager)
its so strange thinking back now because at the time i was young but i was old enough to understand that my daddy wasnt going to see me get married or have my first child and i was so sad because he was bein taken away from me and i couldnt do any thing about it.
so when my dad did die i went a bit crazy and left home i moved to glasgow where i became an alcohlic i didnt care about anyone or anything because i thought no one cared about me any more because my dad was gone.
i started self harming to ease the pain a wee bit but i just ended up with big ugly scars and feeling worse (i think this is when i should have got help but i never)i managed to move on with my life tho.
i met a great man and moved closer to him then i eventually moved in with him we went to to fall pregnant with a baby girl at 18 it was my first pregnancy and i was very ill .
i was in an out of the hospital bein put on a drip for dehydration because i couldnt eat
at six months pregnant i went in to unexpected labour (i didnt know what it was )and i had my baby girl we called her amy she was put in intensive care for premature babys she was doin well untill we got a phone call at 4:40 am on the 2 march we were told she had to be put on a ventillator to help her breath untill we got there.
we did and my beautifull baby had contracted blood poisoning (they still dont know how she got it )and there was nothing they could do so at 27 days old my baby girl had died in my arms not even 2 years after my dad passed. every thing after her funeral is a blur i cant even remember how long it was before i went out side.
i felt that my life was at an end with out my dad there to help me and my baby girl taken away from me but i knew he would be looking after her. where ever they are they will be together.
iv had 2 more little girls since them and every day im terrified some thing will happen to them but i need to be a mum and not worry about things like that kids are kids you cant protect them from some things but im trying my life still has an empty hole from the things that were taken but the rest of it is filled with love for every day i am alive with my kids x

Mia, June 2008
My nan died in 2002, I was just 7 but I still miss her.
I remember all the things we did together but I still feeling guilty I didn't get to know her better.

It was weird, she's fought cancer, broken hearts, but I guess the only thing that can't be fixed is old age.

Talking helps and crying to, time doesn't necessarily heal but it helps you to sort out your head.
On the bad days it's hard, but even if I just lounge around I get dressed and eat a little, it perks me up.

kai (age 14), April 2008
6 years ago my step dad died of cancer. i was told he wasnt going to die then one day i was told he was. I was 8 so i wasnt sure why they lied to me but now i understand that they didnt know either until the last minute. i never really felt anything for a while until it sunk in a few months later, the councerlers helped me through it and they helped a lot, you never completely get over the fact that someone

Aimee 29.03.08
So many yrs have past but im still upset bout wt happpened. Because mi sister ( DAISY ) died 7 yrs ago and i still miss er 2 hell.
:( Aimee :(

From: maggie, March 2008
when I was 8 my dad died of cancer, I'm now 14. It may be hard to believe but I am still stuggling to come to terms with it. I was a real daddys girl and I hate him not being here. Me and my mum dont see eye to eye and we havent since i was about 10. I attempted to kill myself and self harmed because I missed my dad so much. I find it really hard to talk to my mum about him because if i misbehave its usually because I'm missing him more than usual (which may sound strange) and if I say to my mum I'm doing it because I miss dad she says I'm lying and it really hurts me. I dunno what to do anymore I really just want to die and be at rest with my dad. I'm sat here crying because I miss him and cant take it anymore...

From: no name, March 2008
My Dad died just over six years ago. I found it very difficult to cope with when the first Xmas came since he had died and obviously he was not there. I looked to Cruse to help me and so they did. I had counselling for a bit and this really helped me to dead with my Dad's death. This inspired me to train as a Cruse Volunteer and I now pass on the valuable life experience and training I have to other as I was distressed people.

From: Becca, February 2008
Grandad died on 6th June 2000, he was 81. I was 11 and we were best friends. I held his hand in intensive care as he slipped away. I was angry that they weren't saving him, but now i know that it was better that way because he did not suffer. I don't think about him everyday, but he floats through my mind from time to time. I don't love him anyless now than when he was alive. Our bond still exists; when i feel it I smile and hope he is proud of me. I know he's proud of me as i am of him.
'You'll be here in my heart, always' xxxxxx

From: No name, February 2008
its been almost 7 years since my brother died and i really miss him, when i was younger i never really understood that he was gone but now i do and im not doing so good. i really miss him and most of my family are ok about it now but im still sad sometimes because him and me were really really close.

From: no name, January 2008
I lost my mum about seven years ago. and i have just got over the fact that mum isnt coming back. it has took me about 7 years because i am now 14.

From: no name, January 2008
my dad died on march 29th, 2001. i was 12. now at 18, i'm having a relapse of grief. i guess because a 12 year old grieves much differently than an 18 year old. i dont think its fair. i hate it. sometimes i get that disbelief feeling. like it hits me....my dad is dead. im not like everyone else. i dont have a dad. it affects me in every way. it affects everyt fiber of my being. it defines who i am. you cant truly know me unless you understand what ive been through. i miss him. i miss being a family of 5.

From: Hinde, Dec 07
Its been almost 6 years since my brother died. He would have been 18 this week and I feel I am grieving all over again: not just for my little brother, but for the young man I never got to know.

From: Steph
After a life-long mental illness in 2001 my grandad gave up on life and commited suiside.
When he killed himself it was almost like he took a part of me with him as before he died i couldn't see him as his illness was getting too bad. I upsettingly blame some of my family for his death as he loves us all so much and nobody would go up to see him, and i believe this is why he felt he had to go. Up until this day i havn't began to get over his death and i never will.

From: incredigirl
6 years ago my mum died of cancer. she suffered for 18 months before she died. im 19 now and i miss her more than ever. last year i moved away from home and i always kept thinkin i wish mommy would call and check up on me...but she never did. im going thru all this stuff in my life and the one person who shud be here isn't..i hate it and its confusing..i need her back!

From: kaya
my dad died when i was 5 i didnt really feel it then i cried but i never really believed it but now im 12 it feels like i just lost him as well as that i also lost my grandad when i was 7 so i miss him to reasently i had to go see a phycoligist and i have to have councilling for the 3rd time its really hard but i feel alot better now but i still have my moments but i spose everybody does bye x x x

From: Becki, 09.07
My dad died when i was nine, its coming up to six years now, and its only just started to hit me that ill never see him again. he hung himself from our attic in our house. id just like to say to everyone out there thats in the same situation that there is always someone you can talk to about it. I have never spoke to anyone about my dads death, no one can help, but at least i know that there are people there if i need them. Becki.

kristina 07.07
my dad died when i was 8 years old two weeks after my brithday its been 6 years and i cant stop cring he died in my country and i havent seen his grave i feel like hell it makes me mad when others make their dad feel like trash.
How Would You feel!!!!

Kate 07.07
MY nan died of cancer on the 9th january 2001 in the Hospital.
the last time i saw her was the christmas before she died.
i wasn't allowed to go to the hospital to see her. my dad said he wanted me to remember her as she was.
the day she died was really hard for me as i had to face school.
i just cried all day an didn't know what to do. i was so upset.
i still miss her but the pain gets easier with time.
RIP NAN.

Sian 07.07
My dad died when i was fourteen, thats 7 years ago now, and because i was constantly looking out for everyone else, refusing to let my family fall apart, i am still dealing with it.i was embarrassed that it had taken so long but now i have realised that it was becasue i was looking after everone else, i didnt give myself ime, kinda as a defense mechanism i guess against actually wanting to help people and having to deal wth it myself!you are not alone and it takes no set time to 'move on'.by all means move on when you are ready it does not mean that you have forgotten the person or love them any less x

(anon) 07.07
my mum died on the 13/04/00 when i was 7.
i really miss her especially at the moment...i feel really isolated and just want to see her again.
i dont really remember much about her. i remember what we did and days out and stuff but shes sort of blocked out of it. like the family went without her. i really want to remember her more.
today basically all ive done is cry. i was sorting out some clothes and my dad wouldnt let me see my mums stuff.
i dont want to push all my feelings down and forget about her but its seems like i have to if im not allowed to see any of her stuff.
my mums best friend always says she likes seeing me cos im the same as her. i look the same...have the same sort of personality and sense of humour.
i dont really get on with my family much either. i dont know if its cos im like a constant reminder of what they lost but i feel really on my own about everything.
i feel really down about everything and its rare that a day goes by that i dont cry. it really hurts that im never going to hear her voice again and time is definately not a healer...you can only get used to it. i really havent.
if anyone except for her best friend mentions her i just burst into tears. i feel like i have a bond with her cos iv known her all my life and shes the only one i can talk to about it. but i dont want to upset her. i dont know what to do.
my brother and sister seem to be able to cope. i just dont know why i cant
x

Ben 03.07
I was only seven when my mum died. she had breast and bone cancer, and was ill for about a year. She was in and out of hospital during that time but died at home 2 weeks after her 44th birthday. That was 7 years ago now. I still find it hard to deal with the fact that my mum isn't around anymore. i think about her every day.

yaa 02.07
I really miss my mum dearly, I lost my mum when I was 14 and my little was 8. the pain has being with me still now,is being 7years now,is still fresh in my head. I'm always crying, like everyday over this issue. is heartbreaking and unbearable. something wish thing could changed but it never does, is like cancer eaten you up, "PAINFUL "my mum was very special,everyone thinks I look exactly like her. she was very sexy,slim figure, flattening, good heart and always provided my needs. things have being hard since you left but I have grown and survived. rest in perfect peace. Angie.Y.C.

Laura 02.07
my brother died just at the age of 19 i was 15 at the time. He went out for his friends birthday and i've never seen him since it's coming up to 6 yrs this June and i'm finding it very hard without him. I've never had any councilling for his loss i'm hurting really bad in side i want to talk to my mum but she gets upset when i mention my brothers name i don't know who eles to talk to please help Laura.

Gemma 11.06
well i was 11 on the 27th october 2000 my dad fell really ill he didnt no that he had something wrong with his heart and the one night he was in bed and he had to crawl downstairs on his hands and knees to get sum pain killers but he had collapsed down the bottom of the stairs and then my mum called him a ambuance and he wa taken in to hospital and we was told that he had had 2 major heart attacks after the second one he had died and when my mum told me that he had gone i felt like a person ahd ripped part of me away and i do miss him loads i just wish that i would have told him that i loved him. love u always dad love gemma xxxxx

(anon) 11.06
My dad died when I was 7, in 2000. I'm beginning to forget him and it's the worst thing imaginable.

Liz 11.06
My dad died six years ago, im eighteen now, and having a horrible time coping. I cling to male affection in my life and always wind up getting used. Am i alone in this? does anyone else go thru this?

Daisy 11.06
My mum died when i was 9 it has got to be the worst experience ever. I felt sick all the time and so numb it's hard to explain. I couldn't sleep at night and i felt horrible. It was strange walking to school with Dad: We walked with mum not dad. All of a sudden Mum was not there and all i had was Dad. The pain i felt was unbearable and i just wanted to die but i knew i couldn't do it so i didn't and here i am today. Its her anniversary in 2 weeks time and it'll be 6 years. The most painful thing about it is that she committed suicide and it's sick to think my mum was cappable to do that.

colin 11.06
my mum did of breast cancer.that was 7 years ago. i am still devastated.she was everything to me and i never told her that.i will die myself regretting not letting her know that.

(anon) 10.06
My Dad died December 15th, 2000, the day my life changed forever. I miss him everyday and find it so hard to live without him and cry every day. He was my hero, the one that always protected me. He helped me go through life. Time does not heal, you only get used to it, but never forget. I never knew the pain of losing someone because I never lost anyone. I think because I lost my Dad first, it put me in a deep depression and I just can't get out of it. My Dad was my best friend and when I lost him, I lost my whole family and have no family either. I grieve over the loss of a family life. My Dad kept the family together and they all fell apart. I wish it would be like it was before but I know it never will be and I am sad.

Cissy 08.06
My mum died in August 2000 in Mulago hospital(Uganda) and i was the one looking after her in the hospital. I will never forget that day coz'i saw the world coming to an end. Everyday i think it happened yesterday yet for sure years have gone by. Memories are fresh on my minds. I still grieve for her especially when i see her photos, and her belongings.
What hurts me most is that, she died when she couldn't talk. She had lost her voice a few weeks to her death. Sometimes she could gain some energy and raised her hand to call me and when i came she could try to open her mouth to talk but invain. I know my mother had alot to tell me. This is pain to me becoz everyday i keep asking myself what she wanted to tell me. The only thing that she told me before loosing her voice was "my daughter, i want u to be strong but the fact is i feel am going to die" of course i cried that day and stopped b'coz despite what she had told me, she was still alive. She was so caring, loving, and always there for me and all my sibblings.
I live with my grandmother who loves me so much and does everything possible to me make forget my mother. I thank my granny for the good things she does for me; the love, care and everything but there is that gap that she will never fill. Life has never been the same without my mother. I wish i could have atleast a glance at her for the last time. I don't think i will ever get over this. MOTHER! i miss u so much.

ella 06.06
My mum died in a freak riding accident 7yrs ago wen i was 7 nd i jst bout got over last yr bt den ma gran died nd i brought it all bak. If ny 1 else out there hasnt delt wid a death wen they we young then go 4 councelling cos it really helps xx

chinchilla 06.06
my dad died in 98 wen i wz 9,its gona b 8 yrs on nov 25th.it hurts so much not evn a thousnd wrds cud describe.not alot of dyz hav gon by that i hvnt cried 4 him.i dnt fink ill evr get ova it...it seemz lyk evry1 aroun me is dying my lil brother died 2 yrs ago he wz 12.i reli cnt t8k da pressur ne mre n no1 cares.

(anon) 05.06
My mum dying when i was aged nine. I felt so terrible and heartbroken that she could leave me without saying goodbye. For years after she died i just wanted her back but now i know i wouldn't want her back. I really don't appreciate what she did.

confused 05.06
my brother died when e was 16 in a car crash to make matters worse it was on xmas day it wos 7yr now bt i still cant get over it i keep cryin at school and home bt dont like tellin my mum whats wrong please help.

anon 05.06
my mum died six years ago..but I can still remember the night she died in hospital. She had been ill for some time and the week leading up to her death she kept telling me things like look out for your sister or your brother as if she knew she was going. I didnt want to think that she could die and when she did I remember running out the hospital like a lunatic I didnt know what to do and felt as if I was going to burst with pain. I still miss her and often still cry about her. she taught me to be strong and to always go after my dreams..I hope she is proud of me today. I just hope that people who do have their mum appreciate just how lucky they are. If you are going through a similar loss just remember you are not alone and that you will have good days and bad but you will get through it.

Rach 05.06
i was 12 when i was raped by a 'friend', and i found out i was pregnant. I kept my baby and told the father/rapist, and agreed to let him meet her.
My baby Sophie was born in May and she went to meet her father for the first time in September. He killed her, that day, he hit her over and over again until she died.
I hated him, i blamed myself for letting him see her, but i never let myself grieve.
I am 18 now, and have just started to let myself think about her, letting myself grieve after this long is hard, but i have found hope and despite the pain i know that things are getting easier.
Have hope everyone, there is a life for you after the death of someone close
xx

(anon) 04.06
In 1998 my nana sally died of cancer and last year in may befor i sat my gcse my uncle john died of cancer and then yesterday my cousin killed himself

Caroline 04.06
i was only 15 when my mum got diagnoise with cancer again, my whole world callapsed but i had to be strong for my mums sake. so i stopped going to school so i could look after her because she was my mum. But in april 2001 I Lost My Mum linda to Cancer, I was only 17 at the time. everyday since then i see her in my dreams and i hold my arms out to for her to hold me tightly, to here her voice say everything will be okay but she smiles and says no and that she cant and when i run towards her she would go and i would wake up in tears, wishing it wasnt a dream. everyday for me gets harder and harder and i sit on my own at home looking at a photo of her and i tell her anything and everything, i miss her so much. Im now 22 and getting married. i just wish she was here with me.

(anon) 03.06
6 years ago i lost my sister. i was only 7 at the time and i found it harder to understand but now as i am 14 i understand more. i still miss her a lot because she was the second of my 2 elder sisters. there was four years difference between us but i was still close to her as i shared a bedroom with her.
then the day came, i won't forget it ever. my sister was hit by a train. it is so hard for me to forget as i live right beside to where it happened. it is also hard to get on the train to school every morning because it is right beside where it happened. but although i find it hard i get through my day because i ave al my friends there to support me and i carry a picture of her in my pocket so she is always with me. she will always be in my heart forever and always never let go of your memories they are precious

kelsey 03.06
its bin nearly 7 years now sicne my mum died, on new years day i lost my grandad & just a week ago today i lost my best mate. it just feels as tho im a total xxx up in life. i was copin with my mums death, but now it just feels like it was only yesday when she was took away from me, i was 8 when she died, on holiday with my dad and his family and had to come back to no mother who i loved deeply. it was a complete shok. just recently i thougth i had got over it, but then i relised i hadnt. the last couple of weeks, ive just been having nightmares about her, every time i close my eyes i can see her lieing there on the floor dieing in pain, the worst thing about it she was all alone. i really feel like i cant go on in life no more, the painz just too much :'(

chelsea 01.06
my father died 7 years ago now

lindsey 01.06
my dad died when is was five of cancer. im now 12 and are still finding it hard to come to terms with the whole thing.
i was so young i didnt even know what was happening all i knew was that he was ill.
i regret not being able to say goodbye or even see him before he died i saw him two days before he died and if i knew that that was the last time i would seen him i would never of left.
but to this day i am eternal grateful to all the councelers and friend who helped me through that terrible time.
just remenber you will alwayshave the memories.

Alex 11.05
I lost a best friend about 6 yrs ago. I didn't really beleive that he had died until i found an old book that we used to read together. He was a very poorly boy and died of cancer. I feel sorry for his mother because she also lost her daughter who was only 6 months old.

Hilary 10.05
I'm 25 and my older brother died six years ago in November.... he was funny, bright, great sense of humour and loads going for him. I love him still and miss him.. I feel a burden of guilt that I am alive and he's dead.. I don't feel I deserved to live more than he did.. as long as I feel this guilt I won't allow myself to move on and be happy, although that is what he would have wanted.. I just want to talk about him and remember him- but people don't want to hear about it, and now it's been so long that I can't talk about him without crying... I'm trying really hard to overcome this, every day is a reminder, when I look at my own face I'm almost as old as he was when he died.. it's just all wrong.. I wish it hadn't happened, but now I need to live my life like he would have wanted... thank you for letting me write this down.. hugs to everyone!

Sinéad 09.05
In August 1999 my brother died of cancer for the past year he had been in and out of hosptal, but none of the doctors or nurses knew what was up with him, because the signs wern't what they usally were. Eventually they kept him in and ran tests gave im numerous operations nuthing worked and then when they said it was cancer it was too late ther was nuthin anyone cud do for him, fot he next few months i had to live with knwoing he was going to die. my heart sunk and broken, it felt like my world was crashing. i hated me and my life.

anon 09.05
When i was 11 my mom died and Im 17 now and have gone through my share of emotional pain. I miss her so much. I just wish she was a part of my life still. Word of advise talking with friends and family heal the hole in your heart. it sort of helped me through my teen life.

(anon) 09.05
I lost my grandad 8 years on the 13th of December and now i have just lost my mum 3 weeks today.

Dannie 07.05
i still think that i would get a letter back from him but i never do.when i was 9 my cuz pasted away the thing i hate the most is that i didnt evan now him that well and im hopen that one day i can join him. im now 16 . i write to him ,like letters and poems to let him now that he is still loved and missed. my auntie evan cryed on one of the poems i wrote him i felt really bad for doing that.a message for all the people who have loved andlost some one= that person u have lost will always be with u no matter were or who or what u are doing they are their to help u threw the rough days xxx over and out xxx xxxdanniexxx

Rachel 06.05
me and my gran were best friends, she died nearly 6 years ago, she was recovering from lung cancer when she had a heart attack, i never got upset i don't think i really believe it happened.

Nicola 06.05
My grandad died last August on the caravan site he had been a member on for over 10 year. He was a lovely man with lots of life and energy and he tragically died by falling into the caravan site's pond and drowning, I was so upset and still am, he was my favourite person ever and I still can't accept he has gone, I have just started grieving after nearly a year, I miss him so much.

Amy 06.05
the day my dad left me for a better place and six years oni still miss him