personal

2 - 5 years

No name, June 2010
I lost my grandma over 4 years ago on 23rd April 2006, leaving me with no grandma's as my other one died before i was born. I had never experienced the death of a relative before this. She was diagnosed with bladder cancer in november 2005, so underwent an operation. 4 months later the cancer came back, and when i was on holiday, she got progressively worse and slipped into a coma and then passed away. I was only 13 when this happened, and now with me getting close to my 18th birthday, and i have had a massive year, i miss her so much! My memories of her are becoming less clear, i can't even remember how life was witrh her here. I just remember it was better. Now all i have is the pictures of her. She was more then just my grandma too me, she was my best friend and a second mum too me. I wish she was here so much. I love and miss you Mamgu xxxx

sean, June 2010
in 2006 my aunty had a baby but there was somthing wrong with her and and she died wen she was born we was all up set and and my aunty was and my uncle was all crying then wen it was the funeral every one was crying

khia, June 2010
well my brother died nearly three years ago next week (friday 11th june 2010) ~ i loved him so much but he was born with hunters disease which killed his body at an early age and he couldnt walk, talk eat or do any everyday things. becuase my dad was violent he beat me and my brther and my mum and lied to the police so me and mi bro got put into care, my mum hhowever managed to get me back but mi bro had to stay in the home becuse he was so ill - and unfortunatley he died on the 11th june 2007, i still miss him today and like other writers on here i am so worried that i am forgetting what he is like, ive forgotten what he soundded like and i hjardly have any pictures and it male s me feel like a horrible sisiter i iam now 15 but i still feel it is my fault somehow - any ideas on waht to do?? x

Danielle, June 2010
I lost my mum three years ago she was my world my best friend my family people say that i was to close to her i would not leave my mum on her own i had to be with her 20 4 7 every day people had trouble getting me to go to school because i wanted to stay at home and look after mum hug her be with her my mum had kidney faluer amd she had a machine at home that would help her clean out her kidneys mum use to have careers come in to connect the machine but most the careers would refuse to wear gloves and walk out leaving my mum sitting their crying her heart out this use to break my heaer so i learned how to do it so i helped mum connext the machine up everyday we didnt need any one elese we had eachother we went through life together like we were glued we kept eachother going we only had eachother my dad died 2 weeks befor my first birthday and my family well they did f*** all .i soon got taken in to care when i was 9 because mum could not look after me she was always in and out of hospital.My mum was the best ok she had kidney faluer and could not walk and take me out but she was my mum and i love and miss her so much i feel so alone it is like ant and deck look how close they are .i am now 14 and in a foster family

Emily (14), June 2010
Lost my mum about 2 years ago 23rd April 2008 i had only just turned 12, 1 month before. I think it is starting to hit me more now i feel like just hurting myself because i feel like it is my fault. I also feel bad because i could of gone and seen her in the hospital more than i did i just miss her soo much i wish she was still here so badly :'( but i will never stop loving her xxx

I lost my mum about 2 and a half years ago, it was on 23rd April 2008. Just a month after my birthday. My mum had, had cancer once before in her breast but she got an operation to get rid of it. The opperation was successful. Only a year after it came back, I was getting told everything ws fine but i knew it wasnt the cancer then spread to her other breast, then to her neck, her arm then her lung. I got took out of school on 23rd April to go to the hospital. The first thing i noticed when i went into the hospital room was the writting on my mums nighty it said 'sweet dreams' then i looked up at my mum i started to cry i couldnt stop then just about 6 hours after that she passed away peacefully in her sleep. But i will never forget her warm hugs and kisses she used to give me. Miss you and Love you forever mum :( xxxx

No name, May 2010
my dad died in 2007 and i feel worse now than i ever have.
He went to work one morning and never came home. he fell from a roof, his work colleague caught him but he hit his head and never regained consciousness.
They kept his life support machine on until i arrived after getting the train from london home to manchester, he didn't look like my dad.
I have just decided to start counselling today 3 years on.

Tishyxxx, May 2010
I lost my sister Kelly almost 3 years ago but I have only just had councilling. My councillor was lovely! It was a fault in an operation that killed her. She had lupus but didn't get killed by that. The doctors have lied and lied over and over again! 3 years on and the pre-hearing for the inquest is just starting, after 3 years (July 10) we cant do anything! I miss you Kelly! R.I.M.H.P (rest in musical, heavenly peace!!!!)LOVE YOU KELLY!!!

No name, May 2010
My dad passed away in 2005 and it feels like yesterday

olivia xx, May 2010
on valentines day 2008 my moms friend gave birth to a little baby boy(todd)two days later my moms friend(wendy)found out that todd was unconsious and was rush into hospital unfortunately todd didn't survive and died of lukemia
he was only two days old when he died
i didn't go to the funeral because i was to sad but my parents did and they came out crying
todd's older brother didn't understand and kept saying lets go to the shop and buy a new baby todd
i feel really sorry for the family

Sophie, May 2010
In April 2008 I lost a very good friend to the unfortunate act of suicide. I have found it very difficult to deal with and even celebrating his 2 year anniversary made me very upset and angry. The emotions I feel now are as if it was yesterday.

Danielle, April 2010
i live in a foster family i lost my mum when i was 11 years old i am now 14 i miss my mum so much she was my world my only family my dad died 2 weeks befor my first birthday so it was just me and mum i didnt want to leave my mum i always wanted to be with her because my mum had kidney faluer she spent her whole life fighting her kidneys to stay alive and be my mum all she wanted to do is be my mum love me spoil me but her kidneys left her ill and always in hospital when i would go to school i could not contiontrate i would just always think about mum then a adult from reception will come to my class and tell me mum has been taken to hospital i love my mum so much and now she has gone i have this empty feeling i always cry adults and social workers telling me to move on and accept she has gone but how can you ? how caan you accept your mum is never coming back the one you lovee with all your body ?
im frightened of getting close or having a relationship with women because i dont want to let my mum go my mum is the one i should be talking to and crying on not my foster mum i miss you mum my mum would want me to carry on living my lifee but most the time i just think of ways to kill my self because i am sick of thee tears i always look at my door and imagning mum walking through then that empty feeling would go away when i have a dream about mum it is hard because then i wake up and haave to remember mum is not here anymore xxxxxx
Click here to read Danielle's poem

Danielle, April 2010
mum
my mum died 3 years this may i am 14 me and mum were so close mum was my only family my dad died when i was 2 weeks old me and mum were so close she was ill with kidney faluer her whole life. i use to look after her because she is my mum and i love her i didnt want to go to school because i was scared of leaving mum now she has gone i feel empty and upset i miss her so much adults and my friends telling me to move on and except mum has gone im just scared of letting mum go i feel its mean that we have to accept our mums have been taken away from us i feel i will be alone when im older and leave this foster family because i dont have my mum i just wish she was here so i could talk to her cry on her and hug her and go out with her

No name, April 2010
i lost my mum when i was 11 she had kidney faluer everyone elese is now telling me i should move on and accept my mum has gone but i dont want to move on and live life like she didnt excist

Claire, April 2010
my dad called me just before he hung himself in 2005. i blame myself, if i had answered the phone instead of worrying what my mum would say if i did.. he might be here today. everytime i think of my dad, and the night-day i found out, i get a stabbing pain in my stomach, i cant breathe and it slowly goes up to my heart.. then it stops and i feel numb. talking to people helps.. i used to have images come up in my window in the dark, a man would stand their with a knife as though he was ready to pounce and kill me. since i have talked to someone its gone away.. im just scared it might come back.

chelsea, April 2010
march 2007 it happened.
it is very confusing and upsetting but i had to carry on.
when my sister left us i didnt want to carry on living without her but i did for one important reason i didnt want to let her down!

Stephanie, March 2010
i was 11, my mom, stepdad, or brothers werent home. i was confused. my dad called me and said we needed to talk about something. (i thought i was in trouble) he stopped by my mom's house and my brother was in the car. he explained to me that our 16 year old brother was murdered the previous night. i miss him so much and i think about him everyday.

Caitlin, March 2010
When I was 9 my mum died of liver cancer and even though she knew it would kill her she stayed strong though every day. One Sunday she was due to come home for dinner from the hospice like she did the week before. When the car pulled up to the drive the only person who stepped out was my Dad, he later told us that she was dead.My dad took the worst of it and was steadily growing more and more depressed and was getting quite ill. When he first told me about his girlfriend I was VERY upset but over time I have grow to like her and though we have a new (if not slightly dis-functional) family I can still remember my mum.I still cry and have bad dreams over it but I have learnt that I cannot freeze my life and make it stay 2005 because I am growing up and so is my brother and we need to stay strong for our Dads sake. :)

bethany, February 2010
i was 7.when you know my mum died. i was at school one day (my mum in hospital with cancer)i was doing a word search when my dad walked in epained to my teacher what had happened.i went home.i stil did not know til we sat downn and had tea he said "bethany.your mum was in hospital yes well this morning at 11 o'clock your mum well she passed away." i cried for 2 weeks straight. she and i were always close. good night god bless. from your little princessxx.

alice, February 2010
i was 11 years old when i mother died of breast cancer . the day is just a blur now i think back i can barley remeber that day . I thought she would live , that the cancer could be cured that she would get the all clear but it spread from her breast to her liver . It will be 5 years this march. I went to school and got a message that my god-mother would be taking me home i thought nothing of it , my sister came home and my mum was asleep . we didnt want to wake her so my Nana came round to look after us . I went to sleep that night happy and content . When i woke up really early the next morning when my nana told me not to go any further because she was calling the ambulance , so i woke up my sister and next thing you know the ambulance came and they told her she was dead . I miss her sooo much even know im 16 and id do anything for her to come back . I hope she's proud im gonna try and get good results just for you . love you always ! xxxx

Amzzz, January 2010
My dad was diagnosed with incurable bowel cancer on december 23rd 2008, the chemo started working, until about 4 months in when it stopped, they said there was nothing anyone could do after that. My dad died on october 13th 2009, the funeral was 4 days before my 15th birthday.
I miss him terribly but i know he's not suffering anymore and that he's always going to be in our hearts.
love you dad xx

No Name, 13 January 2010
I've lost alot of people in my life, i've lost 8 people since the age of 7 but the one that sticks with me the most is my uncle, who died of cancer. He died three years ago today and i can still remember the daqy like it was yesterday. I'd got back from drama and was helping my dad clean at his work, then the phone rang and it was my mum telling us what had happened, the worst thing was seeing my dad cry. I was being bullied by my best friend at the time too so i was really upset, and started comfort eating. Reading some of these experiences have made me realise i'm not alone. I'll never forget anyone i've lost in my life, and i just want to say well done for everyone else for coping through the hard times :)xxx

No name, January 2009
My Dad died almost 5 years ago and I still struggle. I was 8. I understood, but I really want to see my dad again and now I cry easier and struggle in life. I'm still lost, and so alone. I just wish it was me. He was a good man, and he died. I would give my life if it would bring him back. Sounds stupid but if it were possible I would.
But I'll see him again one day.

Archive of messages up to the end of 2009