personal

2 - 5 years

Issy, 5 December 2011
my daddys heart stoped working when i was 6 years old and i had my first set of conserling when i was about 8 and i coped quite well when it had finished. i am now having it again because i am getting tearfull and upset most days of the week. i am nearly 10 now and i hope it is go to get much better then worse.......... i am feeling much better now i have had a talk.....

yours sincerely Issy

No name, 29 november 2011
On 22nd August 2008 I lost my dad to lung cancer. When I was in primary school I didn't know him very well as he worked away, I'd only see him once every couple of months but that changed in high school. We became so close and so alike that when he died I was afraid of saying or doing anything for fear that it might hurt my mum to be reminded of him. For three years I have been on autopilot, trying to be strong because my family needed me to be. Now I am no longer in touch with my mum and my sister and all I can think of is my dad. I close my eyes and see him before he passed away, in the hospital bed and it kills me. I try to think of the good times with him, to remember his laugh or what he would say about the silly things I do on a daily basis but its just been so hard lately.
I miss him so much but I feel so lucky that I had him as a dad, he was a wonderful person. I couldn't have asked for better. I love you daddy. X

C, 20 November 2011
I've had quite a few loved ones pass and i'm only 14. I guess in a way it has made me stonger as a person, but it doesn't mean I don't miss them every single day. My neighbour, Nan, Great-nan, Aunt, Cousin and Great-aunt have all died in the space of 5 years. When my Nan died, I just didn't know how to react or speak really. I spent hours locked in my room crying, yet my parents thought I was doing homework or watching TV. I hated life and began self-harming and things spiraled out of control. Then another bombshell hit me, then another and another and another. I felt alone and upset, and still do. With GCSEs coming up, I really need to somehow cope with this, but I can't. The most recent death was my Neighbour, and that was 4 months ago. Rest in peace xxx

Katie, 20 September 2011
When i lost my cousin, alex, to cancer, he was only 3 still now, 2 years and 1 month on i am still having to keep reminding myself that its real. it seems so strange and weird and i cant believe it happened to me!!! :'(

Hannah, 17 September 2011
It has been 4 1/2 years since I lost my boyfriend. I am 21. It was January 2007. I don't think I REALLY dealt with a huge amount of my grief until the Spring of 2010. I was, at the time, in the depths of heartbreak over the end of another long term relationship (that I had been hiding in since my first boyfriend died. I had gotten together with my new boyfriend very quickly after the death and had proceeded to very deliberately lose any sense of identity and only talk about my previous boyfriend in intense little bouts.)

I remember listening to Ludovico Einaudi, sitting in my room in University Halls...and weeping my heart out. On nights out I suddenly started crying whenever I got drunk and remember after one particular Red Bull-driven night, sitting in our kitchen, clutching the hand of my best friend (who had never known my boyfriend) and asking her desperately "Why? Why did he die? Why him? He was so talented. So gorgeous. So funny and interesting. How am I ever going to meet someone so incredible ever again?"

I felt like I was going mad. I proceeded to have a very long bout of counselling. I talked and talked and talked to the counsellor about everything. Except my boyfriend who had died. Until one session where for some reason I cried my heart out - an activity I usually try and keep to myself unless drunk. But it helped. I felt physically lighter. After the session I went on a very long walk and listened to a several hours of music that he had written (he was a pianist) that I hadn't since his death.

It was a very rough period of my life but I now feel much more at peace with losing him. I will never feel at peace with his death - he came off of his moped, for no apparent reason, and landed badly. Had he landed any other way he would be fine. How can you find peace with that? We we sixteen.

Two pieces of advice that I would like to pass on are 1. Never be afraid to ask for help. 2. Never let anyone belittle your feelings. One of my grandmother's friends once said to her 'At least she's only seventeen - she'll get over it!' to which my grandmother fiercely replied 'She loved him. She will never get over it.' Whether you are sixteen or sixty two you can love someone very deeply and be astonishingly affected by their death. Also, you live around grief. It never entirely goes away.

I am now facing the 5th anniversary of his death, something I am struggling with. It will be a day like any other. In a way that is the most difficult part.

Chloe, May 2011
its been 3 years.When i was 11 when my dad passed away from cancer, im now 14 and over the years i have been able/lukcy to have the bestfriend's and family that have been there for me but it be really nice to talk to someone who has had the same experiance as me.<3

No name, May 2011
when i was ten, my parents divorced. i lived with my father and i love him very very much. only two months after the divorce my mother had a new boyfriend, who was ten years younger than her, and had moved in with him. She became pregnant, and then had my baby sister when i was 12. When i was 13 i was told my sister had died in the night of cotdeath at the age of five months. i cried for months and months because i really loved mybaby sister. just after my 14th birthday, my dad told me that my step dad had been arrested. He told me that i was old enough to know the truth, that my step dad had abused my baby sister and killed her. i was furious. i hate my mother for marrying him, and letting him to that to my beautiful baby sister. im nearly seventeen now and never see my mother. i miss her a lot but i cant bare to see her. my dad has remarried a lovely woman and they now have a two year old son named james. he's gorgouse but i dont like seeing him cry, and im very protective. my step mother is a much better mum than my mother ever was to me and james, but we dont have the same connection. i havent spoken to my mum in nearly 3 years, and i still love her. but i can never forgive her. RIP my baby sister, loved forever, forever missed xx

Danielle, 19 May 2011
My mums anniversary of her death is today (19) mum died 4 years ago today. The only person that remembered mums anniversary apart from me was my godmother. None of my friends remembered my foster parents did not remember. I feel upset that they did not remember. I am happy that my godmother remembered and she sent me a thinking of you card that cheered me up to know that I am not alone someone else has remembered today is mums anniversary.I miss mum so much. I cant believe she has gone for ever and i will never see her again and I have to help myself through work experience , leaving school , going to college,getting a real job,getting a house my mum will miss all of this it is not fair.

No name, April 2011
3 years yesterday I lost my mum on the 25th of April 2008. She had cancer in her breast which then spread to her lungs and finally her brain which caused her to pass away. I've sort of come around to coping with it now but as the third anniversary has come around it has got harder. I got to Cruse to help me and over the years it has made things easier for me. I suppose soon I have to stop going but right now I feel like its where I need to be.

No name, April 2011
It's been 4 years now since my Dad died of alcoholics livers disease. Every so often I find myself thinking about how things could have been different if I'd seen him more when I was growing up (I was 15 when he died and saw him only once or twice a year as my parents were divorced.) I replay the funeral day over and over in my head to try and remind myself of the emotions I felt that day. I just wish that I could see him one more time so I could tell him how much I love him as I never really got the chance. I still feel very alone with my situation, my friends get uncomfortable if I bring it up, or they just don't understand the concept of losing a parent. At uni last week, we had a lecture on bereavement counselling and I sat in silence the whole way through, whilst others in the room complained on how when someone dies "you just get on with it dont you? why do we need this lecture anyway?" I didn't say a word. You can't understand what it's like to grieve until it has slapped you in the face.
However, I feel happy that my dad was a part of my life and still very much makes who I am today.

No name, March 2011
When I was three my dad died. I don't remember him at all and sometimes I get sad at night about silly things no one understands such as the fact I'll never hear him tell me off or say he's proud of me. When I was five my mum met someone new and he brought me up and was my dad. He died two years ago. I don't think I am allowed to grieve for him or talk about him, sometimes we argued but this was not because he was my "stepdad" as people seem to think because he wasn't - he was my dad he brought me up and is all I can remember. He even came with me and my mum every year to take flowers to my first dad. This time I feel like I have to be the big grown up. I am 20. I feel I'm in the middle of my mum and my little sister (who was my second dads). My mum is heartbroken and I don't think she will ever move on, my little sister makes it worse cuz she is so angry and hateful. It upsets me but it kills my mum she actually thinks my sister doesn't love her and wishes she had died not dad and that must be so hard to deal with. I used to cut muself a lot when I was about 12 for about five years, sometimes I relapse and do it but mostly I fight it now as it's not a good thing to do and just causes more pain. Basically life seems to be falling apart as does my family. My best friends fell out with me about a month after my second dad died and haven't spoken to me at all since, apparently I changed. I know I was a bit quieter but they didn't give me much time, one of them fell out with me two weeks after he died. I don't think they would be fully themselves two weeks after their dad died, god forbid.

No name, March 2011
Its been 4 years now, in a way it feels like a lifetime but i still remember that horrible day like it was yesterday :-( My mum died after having a routine operation, she had been having problems with her womb for months before her op. Apprently it was the aftercare that caused her to die though she had a eternal bleed that the doctor didnt react to quick enough. Kills me to to go over all the details.

I not sure how i have managed to get this far without my mum (as i had said so many times i couldn't carry on without her and i still think that but i remeber if i "give up" i would realy disappoint her and throw away the gift of life she gave me) but its been mainly about taking one day at a time and doing things that i know she wanted me to do and keep the promise i made to her.

Some days i cant stand one more minute being away from her and i spend the most of the day crying and thinking about her. I have been told this is natural and part of griving. The pain of losing someone never goes away, but learning to cope does come.

I will always miss and love her more than words can ever say :-)

rhiannon, March 2011
my mum died a couple of years ago went i was seven im now twelve i was in bed waiting to be called to get up for school and knowone called so i went down staris and then my nan said rhiannon mummies in heaven now with nanny grandma i didnt really know what was going on but when i realised what that meant i was crying really badley and couldnt stoped all i remembered feeling was a big loss in my heart that could never be replaced my nan grandad and auntie toni helped me through it and soo did my two learning mentors mrs murphy in my primary and soraya in secondary and my friends aspecially aadila because she has lost someone clost to her too so i can talk to her and she would understand and she can talk to me and know that i understand her to .

Samantha, February 2011
My mum died 3 hours after the birth of my little girl. We found out 6 weeks before she had lung cancer and it was spreading rapidy. I spent my maternity leave leading up to the birth in and out of the hospice hoping they would find a drug to slow it all down. I so much wanted her to meet my little girl and to this day cannot comprehend how of all the days of my life i lost my mum the day my daughter was born. It is coming up to my daughters 4th birthday and of course my mums death and i feel very very sad, i could cry most days as I miss her so much, she would have loved her grandaughter, there are so many things I would have loved to talk about to her about my childhood that didn't even cross my mind before I had my daughter.. my father has disappeared into his little indulgent world and rarely has time for us and it is all just very hard to handle. Losing a parent is the hardest thing in the world but losing your mum is the most devasting. My mum said to me all the time she loved me more than life itself; how I wish she could be here for me to tell her just how much I understand that now. I love you mum, my best friend, my guardian angel. xx

me, February 2011
My father died 3 years ago today, people say it gets easier ...... i dont feel it does, i have my good days and bad days, i had an argument with him and didnt speak to him for two months, his death was sudden and i was close to him ...... god i miss him

Em, February 2011
It's been 3 years this april since my Dad killed himself. It's gone so quickly, it still feels like I've only just found out. Sometimes I think he's still here but then I burst into tears when I remember what really happened. I don't see how people say it gets easier as it hasn't for me, but everyones different. I feel suicidal most of the time and have self harmed more than once. I need to find out how to cope with it...

Jazmin, February 2011
my experience is a long story cut short my parents got divorced when i was 6 i lived with my mum and visted my dad at a daily basis but when i was 10 my dad died it broke my heart i got help from cruse and things started to come clear i thank cruse for wat they did for me i feel a load better i wont ever forget or ignore i will just thank and heal with time thank you

Cole, February 2011
Hi My name is cole i lost my dad on the 11th of april 2008

Danielle, February 2011
My mum died on the 19th May 2007.Sociaal services say my mum and my relationship was unhealthy.From a very young age I was mums career because she had kidney faluer.Me and mum only had eachother so we stuck close together helped eachother.I never wanted to live mum.I never really went to school because I wanted to stay with mum.I was taken into care when i was 9.I miss my mum so much.The last thing my mum said to me was she was thinking of me.I could see in my mums eyes she knew she was dying and that must of been veery hard because my mum always tried to fight for life she always put on a smile for me so to know on that day it was time to leave her little girl I cant even immagne what that felt like.I miss my mum so much.I cry so much.My partner has gone and I feel alone.I know mum would want me to be happy but that is so hard.People telling me life goes on.Ive got to move on.It is not that simple.It takes lots and lots of time.It is normal to feel the feelingss you are feeling like angry,sad,lonely,depressed,gulty.It is normal you are normal

Bee, February 2011
So its been two and a half years since my best friend killed herself. I am 17 and in year 13 at school and there are so many things happening like university applications and interviews and 18th birthday partys and boyfriends and exams that I know we should be doing together or gossiping about late into the night. I still miss her all the time, its never gone away. I still cry for her and everything she lost. I still feel guilty for not helping her and being a good enough friend when she needed a friend the most. Megan sweetie, I miss you so very much, but hope that wherever you are you are having an awesome time. Sweet dreams angel x

leah, February 2011
well 3 years ago i lost the ,most important person in my life and ever since that i have been wanting to be near them again nd for the past 9 weeks i have wanted to kil my self but i keep thinking of him i don't know what to do i really need help. i lost my uncle who was like my dad and he was my best friend and i am finding it hard to relise that he is still gone but every time i think of him i just want to cry and cry and also i have been felling like i want to killl my self just so that i can be with the person that i love i am just so fed up of everyone telling me to forget it but i can't. also two years ago i lost my best friend in a car crash and every time i go near the place where she did i end up crying but i don't want to do that anymore coz it gets harded and harded to walk away.

sam (12), January 2011
i am 12 my dad died when i was 10. He died of stomach cancer which grew around the body. When it happend i was so sad but i started to bottle it up because when i cryed i made my mum cry and i hate it when that happend. I started to bottle it up and now 2 years on i think i have began to crack and fall apart. Recently i have been feeling so angry. RIP dad love you loads xxxxxxxx

Nikola, January 2011
About three years I lost my gran. She was my last grandparent, and really the only person who made me happy. She was so strong spirited and beautiful. Although years have passed I just still miss her so much, and in a way it feels as though everyday that goes by I'm getting further away from her. I just wanted to say; Gran, I still love you, always will. You will always be in my heart!

Charlie, December 2010
On the 20th December 2006,so 4 years ago, my sister and I lost our mum Alison. I was devestated.Georgia doesn't remember much but I feel like part of my life has disappeared. If only she hadn't been an achol addict. She was a good person and I wish she was still with us today. I am now 10 and she died when I was 6 but still hurts my heart. I was too young to understand properly when she died but I knew she wasn't coming back. When I got home from school I thought nothing had happened because we were always at other ends of the country anyway. But when dad got home he had to break the news I cried myself to sleep, my life will never be the same. I never properly had the chance to tell her how much I love her before she died but she was my mum, my role model.

Aga, November 2010
My uncle died 2 years ago but he was only 18. Sometimes when i think about him it feels like the world has stop for me and That i Cant go on. One day i came home from school and i saw my mum Crying i Said What happend and she told me That he died. For the first year i was only upset but now when i think about it it makes me cry and i wish i Could see him 1 more Time. :'(

No name, November 2010
I was only in first year at school when I found out my grandad had cancer and to me all i knew was people pulled through but never did i think my grandad wouldnt! i can remember my dad phoning me and telling me to come home as i walked in the house i could tell with my dad face something was up thats when he said my grandad had gone. Even though it has been nearly 4 years i still cant bring myself to believe he is gone looking at his picture makes me cry everytime. I dont like talking to family about it because i dont like sharing my feelings and crying infront of them because i know its hard for them too. But i feel like they have moved on while i still cant bring myself too. my grandad was the first person that was close to me to ever die so i think thats why it is so hard but to add to that i lost my nephew excatly a month later then my gran months after than my aunt but what hurts me most is that i will never see see there faces again and they wouldnt be there to share the happiest days of my life with me and i still cant bring myself to get over it.

josephine, November 2010
i am nine years old my dad died 3 years ago i really miss him but he will always be in my haert forever and ever he was the best daddy anyone could have i really love him but I have still got my mum to talk to at first i cried a little then it turned bad i started to think of happy things but then turned bad i started to cry more then I really want him but i will never see him again but i love you daddy i always stare at the sky because I think I can see him but I can't i really miss him.

No name, October 2010
Its weird but although ny grandad died 4 years ago. I am just beginning to feel everything due to the amazing help of some people. I remember only crying once and then going to buy a dress for a funeral I didnt cry then but now I am learning Im finding it a little hard at the minute but I am hopeful that I will be okay.

jamilo, October 2010
my name jamilo and my sister died a ago few year she my best friend we were use to play laugh joke and have fun together. but one horrifying day when my siter went shopping a car hit her and just drove away it was scare time and trag time still this day on we did not find the man who hit my sister now would be 20 years old.it it would be her birthday today. she was my world.

No name, October 2010
I am 9 years old my daddy died when I was 6 years old and I really miss him but I still have my mum and my best friend and teacher to talk to I really love him HE will always be in my heart forever and I really love him he was the best daddy anyone could have
I really love him.

danielle, August 2010
i lost my mum when i was 11 i was taken in to care when i was 9 . my mum was all i had i loved her so much we stuck by each other but i could not safe her she suffered from kidney faluer for years i remember being in my care home 2 careers came 2 my room and told me mum had died but the night she died i could not ssleep i knew something was wrong i remember breaking down when i had 2 tell all the other kids in the care home i remember how awkwuared it was no one knowing what 2 say i am in a foster family now my mum has been gone three years i miss her so much i wonder were she is i wish she ccould be with me 2 c me grow up hug me when my tummy hearts with period pains

Lydia, August 2010
I lost my dad when I was 9, im now 12 and I still cry quite alot because my mum and sister argue about things all the time. I feel stuck in the middle of it. But now things have started to get better and im coping ok but i really wish my dad was still here. Well done to everyone else for coping so well, its really helped me to know im not alone. xxx

No name, June 2010
I lost my grandma over 4 years ago on 23rd April 2006, leaving me with no grandma's as my other one died before i was born. I had never experienced the death of a relative before this. She was diagnosed with bladder cancer in november 2005, so underwent an operation. 4 months later the cancer came back, and when i was on holiday, she got progressively worse and slipped into a coma and then passed away. I was only 13 when this happened, and now with me getting close to my 18th birthday, and i have had a massive year, i miss her so much! My memories of her are becoming less clear, i can't even remember how life was witrh her here. I just remember it was better. Now all i have is the pictures of her. She was more then just my grandma too me, she was my best friend and a second mum too me. I wish she was here so much. I love and miss you Mamgu xxxx

sean, June 2010
in 2006 my aunty had a baby but there was somthing wrong with her and and she died wen she was born we was all up set and and my aunty was and my uncle was all crying then wen it was the funeral every one was crying

khia, June 2010
well my brother died nearly three years ago next week (friday 11th june 2010) ~ i loved him so much but he was born with hunters disease which killed his body at an early age and he couldnt walk, talk eat or do any everyday things. becuase my dad was violent he beat me and my brther and my mum and lied to the police so me and mi bro got put into care, my mum hhowever managed to get me back but mi bro had to stay in the home becuse he was so ill - and unfortunatley he died on the 11th june 2007, i still miss him today and like other writers on here i am so worried that i am forgetting what he is like, ive forgotten what he soundded like and i hjardly have any pictures and it male s me feel like a horrible sisiter i iam now 15 but i still feel it is my fault somehow - any ideas on waht to do?? x

Danielle, June 2010
I lost my mum three years ago she was my world my best friend my family people say that i was to close to her i would not leave my mum on her own i had to be with her 20 4 7 every day people had trouble getting me to go to school because i wanted to stay at home and look after mum hug her be with her my mum had kidney faluer amd she had a machine at home that would help her clean out her kidneys mum use to have careers come in to connect the machine but most the careers would refuse to wear gloves and walk out leaving my mum sitting their crying her heart out this use to break my heaer so i learned how to do it so i helped mum connext the machine up everyday we didnt need any one elese we had eachother we went through life together like we were glued we kept eachother going we only had eachother my dad died 2 weeks befor my first birthday and my family well they did f*** all .i soon got taken in to care when i was 9 because mum could not look after me she was always in and out of hospital.My mum was the best ok she had kidney faluer and could not walk and take me out but she was my mum and i love and miss her so much i feel so alone it is like ant and deck look how close they are .i am now 14 and in a foster family

Emily (14), June 2010
Lost my mum about 2 years ago 23rd April 2008 i had only just turned 12, 1 month before. I think it is starting to hit me more now i feel like just hurting myself because i feel like it is my fault. I also feel bad because i could of gone and seen her in the hospital more than i did i just miss her soo much i wish she was still here so badly :'( but i will never stop loving her xxx

I lost my mum about 2 and a half years ago, it was on 23rd April 2008. Just a month after my birthday. My mum had, had cancer once before in her breast but she got an operation to get rid of it. The opperation was successful. Only a year after it came back, I was getting told everything ws fine but i knew it wasnt the cancer then spread to her other breast, then to her neck, her arm then her lung. I got took out of school on 23rd April to go to the hospital. The first thing i noticed when i went into the hospital room was the writting on my mums nighty it said 'sweet dreams' then i looked up at my mum i started to cry i couldnt stop then just about 6 hours after that she passed away peacefully in her sleep. But i will never forget her warm hugs and kisses she used to give me. Miss you and Love you forever mum :( xxxx

No name, May 2010
my dad died in 2007 and i feel worse now than i ever have.
He went to work one morning and never came home. he fell from a roof, his work colleague caught him but he hit his head and never regained consciousness.
They kept his life support machine on until i arrived after getting the train from london home to manchester, he didn't look like my dad.
I have just decided to start counselling today 3 years on.

Tishyxxx, May 2010
I lost my sister Kelly almost 3 years ago but I have only just had councilling. My councillor was lovely! It was a fault in an operation that killed her. She had lupus but didn't get killed by that. The doctors have lied and lied over and over again! 3 years on and the pre-hearing for the inquest is just starting, after 3 years (July 10) we cant do anything! I miss you Kelly! R.I.M.H.P (rest in musical, heavenly peace!!!!)LOVE YOU KELLY!!!

No name, May 2010
My dad passed away in 2005 and it feels like yesterday

olivia xx, May 2010
on valentines day 2008 my moms friend gave birth to a little baby boy(todd)two days later my moms friend(wendy)found out that todd was unconsious and was rush into hospital unfortunately todd didn't survive and died of lukemia
he was only two days old when he died
i didn't go to the funeral because i was to sad but my parents did and they came out crying
todd's older brother didn't understand and kept saying lets go to the shop and buy a new baby todd
i feel really sorry for the family

Sophie, May 2010
In April 2008 I lost a very good friend to the unfortunate act of suicide. I have found it very difficult to deal with and even celebrating his 2 year anniversary made me very upset and angry. The emotions I feel now are as if it was yesterday.

Danielle, April 2010
i live in a foster family i lost my mum when i was 11 years old i am now 14 i miss my mum so much she was my world my only family my dad died 2 weeks befor my first birthday so it was just me and mum i didnt want to leave my mum i always wanted to be with her because my mum had kidney faluer she spent her whole life fighting her kidneys to stay alive and be my mum all she wanted to do is be my mum love me spoil me but her kidneys left her ill and always in hospital when i would go to school i could not contiontrate i would just always think about mum then a adult from reception will come to my class and tell me mum has been taken to hospital i love my mum so much and now she has gone i have this empty feeling i always cry adults and social workers telling me to move on and accept she has gone but how can you ? how caan you accept your mum is never coming back the one you lovee with all your body ?
im frightened of getting close or having a relationship with women because i dont want to let my mum go my mum is the one i should be talking to and crying on not my foster mum i miss you mum my mum would want me to carry on living my lifee but most the time i just think of ways to kill my self because i am sick of thee tears i always look at my door and imagning mum walking through then that empty feeling would go away when i have a dream about mum it is hard because then i wake up and haave to remember mum is not here anymore xxxxxx
Click here to read Danielle's poem

Danielle, April 2010
mum
my mum died 3 years this may i am 14 me and mum were so close mum was my only family my dad died when i was 2 weeks old me and mum were so close she was ill with kidney faluer her whole life. i use to look after her because she is my mum and i love her i didnt want to go to school because i was scared of leaving mum now she has gone i feel empty and upset i miss her so much adults and my friends telling me to move on and except mum has gone im just scared of letting mum go i feel its mean that we have to accept our mums have been taken away from us i feel i will be alone when im older and leave this foster family because i dont have my mum i just wish she was here so i could talk to her cry on her and hug her and go out with her

No name, April 2010
i lost my mum when i was 11 she had kidney faluer everyone elese is now telling me i should move on and accept my mum has gone but i dont want to move on and live life like she didnt excist

Claire, April 2010
my dad called me just before he hung himself in 2005. i blame myself, if i had answered the phone instead of worrying what my mum would say if i did.. he might be here today. everytime i think of my dad, and the night-day i found out, i get a stabbing pain in my stomach, i cant breathe and it slowly goes up to my heart.. then it stops and i feel numb. talking to people helps.. i used to have images come up in my window in the dark, a man would stand their with a knife as though he was ready to pounce and kill me. since i have talked to someone its gone away.. im just scared it might come back.

chelsea, April 2010
march 2007 it happened.
it is very confusing and upsetting but i had to carry on.
when my sister left us i didnt want to carry on living without her but i did for one important reason i didnt want to let her down!

Stephanie, March 2010
i was 11, my mom, stepdad, or brothers werent home. i was confused. my dad called me and said we needed to talk about something. (i thought i was in trouble) he stopped by my mom's house and my brother was in the car. he explained to me that our 16 year old brother was murdered the previous night. i miss him so much and i think about him everyday.

Caitlin, March 2010
When I was 9 my mum died of liver cancer and even though she knew it would kill her she stayed strong though every day. One Sunday she was due to come home for dinner from the hospice like she did the week before. When the car pulled up to the drive the only person who stepped out was my Dad, he later told us that she was dead.My dad took the worst of it and was steadily growing more and more depressed and was getting quite ill. When he first told me about his girlfriend I was VERY upset but over time I have grow to like her and though we have a new (if not slightly dis-functional) family I can still remember my mum.I still cry and have bad dreams over it but I have learnt that I cannot freeze my life and make it stay 2005 because I am growing up and so is my brother and we need to stay strong for our Dads sake. :)

bethany, February 2010
i was 7.when you know my mum died. i was at school one day (my mum in hospital with cancer)i was doing a word search when my dad walked in epained to my teacher what had happened.i went home.i stil did not know til we sat downn and had tea he said "bethany.your mum was in hospital yes well this morning at 11 o'clock your mum well she passed away." i cried for 2 weeks straight. she and i were always close. good night god bless. from your little princessxx.

alice, February 2010
i was 11 years old when i mother died of breast cancer . the day is just a blur now i think back i can barley remeber that day . I thought she would live , that the cancer could be cured that she would get the all clear but it spread from her breast to her liver . It will be 5 years this march. I went to school and got a message that my god-mother would be taking me home i thought nothing of it , my sister came home and my mum was asleep . we didnt want to wake her so my Nana came round to look after us . I went to sleep that night happy and content . When i woke up really early the next morning when my nana told me not to go any further because she was calling the ambulance , so i woke up my sister and next thing you know the ambulance came and they told her she was dead . I miss her sooo much even know im 16 and id do anything for her to come back . I hope she's proud im gonna try and get good results just for you . love you always ! xxxx

Amzzz, January 2010
My dad was diagnosed with incurable bowel cancer on december 23rd 2008, the chemo started working, until about 4 months in when it stopped, they said there was nothing anyone could do after that. My dad died on october 13th 2009, the funeral was 4 days before my 15th birthday.
I miss him terribly but i know he's not suffering anymore and that he's always going to be in our hearts.
love you dad xx

No Name, 13 January 2010
I've lost alot of people in my life, i've lost 8 people since the age of 7 but the one that sticks with me the most is my uncle, who died of cancer. He died three years ago today and i can still remember the daqy like it was yesterday. I'd got back from drama and was helping my dad clean at his work, then the phone rang and it was my mum telling us what had happened, the worst thing was seeing my dad cry. I was being bullied by my best friend at the time too so i was really upset, and started comfort eating. Reading some of these experiences have made me realise i'm not alone. I'll never forget anyone i've lost in my life, and i just want to say well done for everyone else for coping through the hard times :)xxx

No name, January 2009
My Dad died almost 5 years ago and I still struggle. I was 8. I understood, but I really want to see my dad again and now I cry easier and struggle in life. I'm still lost, and so alone. I just wish it was me. He was a good man, and he died. I would give my life if it would bring him back. Sounds stupid but if it were possible I would.
But I'll see him again one day.

Archive of messages up to the end of 2009