personal

3 - 5 years

Cherie, August 2008
I lost my boyfriend 4 & 1/2 years ago and it still feels like yesterday.
He had a heart problem and was driving the car when his heart failed. I was in the passenger seat beside him, the crash was awful and I knew as soon as it happened what had really gone on. I held his hand and kept talking to him while the ambulance came. I told him I loved him, to squeeze my hand if he could hear me but I knew, deep down that he was gone. I still miss him everyday and would give anything for just 5minutes with him.
I'm getting on with my life, I've even had a 2 year relationship since although that recently failed. I know he wouldn't want me to sit around on my own so I try & make the most of life like he did. He's never far from my thoughts and he still makes me smile. I treasure all the good times we had together and hope that oneday someone as special as him will come along to share the rest of my life with as I know he's looking down on me wishing me well.
I love him with all of my heart and could never replace him as he was my soulmate. xxx

Marie, August 2008
My dad died just under 5years ago. A few days after i turned 10. And i really don't know if i have come to terms with it still.
My friends all talk about there dads, saying i don't know what i'd do with out mine. And i really don't know how to react back to them, so i just stay quiet, i don't really want to say anything about what i feel. Even though it was a long time ago, i still miss him soo much.
I remember the day so bluntly- A couple of days before, my Dad was rushed into hospital, i had no idea why, the doctor just said it was best for him. It was late at night, so i did't really have a chance to say bye. Or even say 'i Love You'. My mum then visited him for the passing 2days. Until, the next day, we were all outside, and my Brother came out and handed the phone to my Mum saying it was the hospital. I remember seeing her there, she just stood there for a minute, forzen. And then suddely merged into a flood of tears and anger. She just cried and stomped her feet, screaming noo, no no!. I had no idea to what was going on, but i still cried, seeing my Mum cry was bad enough. But when she then told us that my Daddy had died, i just cried and cried. I still don't know how he died, and i can't bear the thought of asking.
I didn't cry at the funeral, and didn't attened the thing where he was burried. I just played with my friends at the after party thing. Forgetting what had just happened.
I find ot so hard to talk about it, so i never do, and i never cry about it to my Mum or friends. Iv'e also always refused to vist his grave. But i have no idea why. It's affected me emotinaly, i cry at the slightest thing, even if i don't want too. I just can't help it.
I miss him sooo much, that words can't explain. Every girl needs there Dad, so they can be his lil Princess, even for just one day! But i just can't have mine :(. It just seems so unfair, to why some one would want to take my Dad, a husbad, brother and friend to so many, from people. Leaving his family, and other chirldren from past relationships behind. Especialy, when i didn't have a chance to say Bye.
I'l always Love him, even if i won't show it. Theres always a place in my heart for him
I'l Miss You Always Daddy.
Ox'

patsyann, August 2008
my brother died 5 years ago in a motorbike accidnt he was 22 x even though its been this long i still find it so hard to live life without him x i will always love u dale x

Loli, July 2008
My Mum died when i was just 10 (07.06.03), i didn't truely understand. She had a heart disease, hypertropic cardiomyopathy, my sister also was digagnosed with the same heart problem. My Mum collapsed whilst out shopping, she was alone, i have always regretted not being there to say goodbye and possibly pospone her death. I didn't have anyone to talk to about how i felt until a few months ago when i confided in one of my good friends, before that i was self harmimng and even attempted suicide, i was so annoyed, it only hit me properly when I was 13, I'm 15 now and it still hurts to talk about it but i have learnt to control my anger as much as possible and try to talk to my friends whenever I feel down. Learning about how other people have coped is helping me to move on, but I shall never forget my Mum.

gina, July 2008
my dad died 3 years ago suddenely
i was only 13 and i was sitting next to him when it happened. he died on new years eve 2004 and i still rember every single moment of that day he was soo happy all day as me and him were going 2 die his beard blue but at 1 o clock that day he suffered a major hear attack and died instantally :( i really just want him to come home im getting my gcses results nxt month and he wont be there to see em get them or tell me if he is proud of me, i am also expecting a baby and he wont be there to be a grandad and i rember him saying for my babys 1st crimbo he was gunna dress up like santa :(

Paige, July 2008
My dad died from a heart attack 2 years ago it will be three years on the third of august. his birthday is on the 21st and my birthday is on the 27th so it is really hard. he died when i was eight which i think is a really young i am now 11. i didnt really understand at first. but i have realised that it is easier to talk about things and memories than keep it bottled up. i used to have so many locked doors up inside my head and i sometimes didnt even had the key to open it!

Dani, July 2008
My dad died two years ago. 2nd March 2006. I hadn't seen him for 12 years before he died, so I think people think I should just get over it, and it shouldn't affect me. That's lies. He was still my dad, I still have memories.
I have nothing of his now. He remarried and had two little girls. I think sometimes he had them and forgot about me.
I don't even have a photo of him. My mum through all the photo's out when they divorced.
I didn't even get to ask him why he left.
It's so unfair.
I thought I was coming to terms with it, but recently it's really been hitting me hard. I've started self harming again, and worrying about what I would do if I lost someone else in my life. I honestly don't know how I would cope.

Liz, June 2008
My mum died when i was 10. she had MS (Multiple Sclerosis) even befor i was born. i dont remember how it felt ho hung her or hear her speak because i was too little to remember before she lost those abilitiwes. im 16 now and i miss her everyday. she died in August 2003. thanks Xx Liz xX

Chester (Shalie), June 2008
My mom died 8th July 2005, I was 10...

No Name, May 2008
My dad died 3 years ago on the 4th of may. Im still not over it. i didnt really get to say goodbye to him. he told me about a week before he passed away that he was going into hospital and that he would phone me when he was out. i didnt really worry about it at first cause he said he would be ok. i used to go to this club with my friends and my mum came to collect me early one day , i was so confused. we went home and my aunty, gran and sister were there. my mum told me what had happened but i still couldnt believe it , i thought i was dreaming. I'l never forget him, i just wish i got to say goodbye.

Heather, May 2008
nearly 4 years ago my dad killed himself in the house that i live in today. it is one of the worst experiences that i have bin thru and my mum seems to think that i have copped wiv it well but i havent and i dont think i ever will. every nyt i lay in bed and think bout him and cry. i have tried many things to make this go away but nothing wolrks. i also found myself argueing with my boyfriend for no reason. i miss him so much and just want him to come back but i knw it will neva happen, i would also like to know y he did it as he never explained y in his letter.

kirstie, May 2008
ma dad died 5 yrs ago and i watched him die it is so hard and dis website has reali helped me.

kirsty, May 2008
hi peeps ma dad died 5 years on december 11th. i was at school wen he died and i was only eight and i remember the day so well i just need to c him so badly but i know i cnt well bye xxx

No name, April 2008
My mum died 5 years ago when I was 12, my dad's just decided to start dating, and it's brought up loads of unresolved issues with me. I always knew I'd never finished grieving properly.
I just never thought about her properly, after she died I thought of her as this person who died, not my own mother (my mum!) and I can't believe it now.
My dad doesn't get how I'm feeling at all, has decided I'm making a huge deal out of nothing, 'you're over it now, stop being silly'.
She was a wonderful person, I know it's best she's not in pain any more, I just can't believe that she won't be here when I get my exam results this year, on my wedding day, to help me bring up my children. She's not here any more. It's more than I can cope with and I need her more than ever.. :(

Celina, April 2008
My mum passed away 4 years ago on 15th April 2004 and I still find it difficult at times to think that she is gone. Now that I am a bit older I only wish that I could have been there more for her in her last few months. For someone to drink themselves to death, things must have been pretty bad. Being 18 and selfish I will always have to live with an element of guilt. This is a sad time for my family and those that were close to and loved my Mum - despite her problems she was a good egg really. It has started to get easier as years pass - it is just the milestones that bring it all back. She is happier wherever she is now and I know that she has a onstant watch on me and is making up for all the times she didn't before.

I love you Mum xx

madi, April 2008
my mum died in september 2005 it is almost three years i cant believe i havent seen her in that long she was dying of cancer but when it hapend i still couldnt face it

kate, April 2008
my dad passed away 25th april 2005,3 years on and its hit me even more now than ever,im not eating a lot and ignoring my husband ect....................................
people say i should concentrate on the living and not the past but how do i when he died so suddden with no warning!!!!! my head is in a mess,i cant sleep either and i also have a daughter so need to be strong but how??????

elaine, April 2008
mum died of cancer 3yrs ago i am now 15

Gabi, March 2008
Well my dad died a 3 years ago, but recently I have been having a recurring dream that he is coming back. I don't know what to do. Someimes i get so jealous of other people with their dads, and i miss having a daddy so much. Also I worry for my mummy. She seems so lonley.

claire, March 2008
i lost my mum in 2004 it helps if you beilve in god i love to sing when i am sad
trust me it helps

Sarah, March 2008
my lil brother died 3 years ago wen he was 9 months old. he had bin ill since da day he waz born. evn tho we had an idea he wud neva cum home from da hospital it didnt make it ne easier wen he died. i miss him so much and fings dont seem 2 b getting easier.
miss u loads lil man
in my heart nd thoughts 4 eva
xxxxxxx

Sad girl, February 2008
In 2004 my dad died from we thought was flu but it was cancer. Even though it was years ago I still have not got over the shock. One day my friend said that it was silly to get upset about something that happend ages ago but it's not I miss him everyday and I can't cope any more !

From: Lauren, January 2008
My sister died 4 years ago on the 30th of january x

From: louise, Jan 2008
the fone went in at 6.ooam, i answerd it was my sister maxine,everyone was up in her house. MY DAD HAS HUNG HIMSELF. i beleive that it was my fault cause i got shot in the head about 7year ago. It was 4years ago, when this feeling go away???????????

From: Natalie, December 2007
4 years ago i lost my older sister. she died from a virus n she was the only sister i had. i was 9 when it happened and when my mum and dad told me the news i felt like my heart had been ripped out, i just cried and cried in my mum and dads arms wanting the pain to go away but the only person that could make it better was my sister and she wasnt there like she normally was and the pain wouldnt go away and i still have that pain in my heart everyday and i will have it for the rest of my life. my life will never be the same without her but i will always remember the good 9 years of my life that i spend with her.

From: Zoe, December 2007
My experience was when it was 29 days till my big 10 birthday then my nan dies!! How depressing!! I am now 12!! 3 years ago because it was in 2005!

From: The Girl Hu Lost Her Mum and Ruined Her Lyf!! December 2007
My Mum Had Been Ill For A Numbe of years, im her youngest child and i never got told anything! My mum died on valentines day 2003 i was only 11. i didnt understand properly at the time i found out on the 13 of febuary and then that night i got a phone call from my aunt sayin the doctors said she will not come of the life support machine alive she will die, so the next day my nan had to give concent to turn her machine off it was the most painfullest thing that has ever happened to me it riped my family to pieces and it will never be the same agen its now nearly been 5 years and im the only one who can't get over the fact she will never return through my front door agen !!!!

From: hayley, December 2007
i lost my grandad to mnd 4 years ago on 2 12 2003 and it still hurts so much i lost some of me as my grandad was my world he got ill for 18 months befor he died mnd just ate way at him and it was so hard to see him get iller and iller everyday but he did have good day and bad and seeing him on a bad day was really hard he would make out he was ok but i knew he wasnt i knew when he was felling down and up set but he always had a big smile on his face for us grand kids ..

From: s.l.e, November 2007
my dad died of a heat attack about 5-6 years ok and i walked in on him dead!!
i miss him so much i jus wish he was here x x x miss u daddy x x

From: Sarah, November 2007
3 years ago now since my mum died. A long illness. Wasnt prepared for the worst though. i still think about her everyday. (cry most days) thinking about the last things i said to her. and how i let her go without telling her i love her. Cancer. Killed her :(. I miss her more and more as the days go on. Wishing i could see her again. Knowing that i cant xxxx

From: CONCRETE angel, Nov 2007
I didn't know my Granddad had cancer, my mum had sheltered it from me to try and save my feelings. My cousins, my auntie, my siter, my mum and myself use to go and see my Granddad every Sunday. I remember when me and my cousin were little we would play schools or chefs or something.
Then we wern't going to see him anymore.
One day I spoke to my sisters dad about it an he said something that stabbed a knife in
me, I cant remember his exact words but it was something like "well, you cant expect ya granddad to see you often anymore. Because he has cancer, he's very weak"
I cried and cried and cried. I couldnt undrstand why my mum had hidden that from me. I saw my Granddad in hospital, a few times after I found out.
In the summer holidays I was staying at my cousin's a lot, so my mum and auntie could go and see Granddad in hospital.
They were going there for weeks.
My cousin and I were sitting in the block laughing with all our mates and our mumz got back. They walked in "Can you girls come upstairs please"
My cousin and I couldn't stop laughing all the way up the stairs, but we knew what they going to say. Granddad had left us.
When they said it I couldn't cry,
I could only think.
'I wasn't there to tell him I loved him'
'I didn't get to say goodbye for the last time'
Then my cousin and I found out that my mums friend was there. INSTEAD OF US!!!
That really hurt. I felt suicidal.
And still do after 3 years.

From: dale, 11/07
mum died 5 years ago. (see also: dale's poem and his story)

From: no name, 10/07
it was a friday and i got in from school to find my dad on the floor it was so hard coz ma mum was in france so i had to go to my uncles i was 11 im 14 now so its been 3 yrs it made it so hard coz i was "daddies little baby"

From: Elle, 10/07
Im 15 Years Old, and I Lost My Gran About 4 Years Ago I Miss Her Soo Much!! She Got Told By Her Doctor That The Pains In Her Stomach And The Other Symptoms Was Being Caused Because She Had IBS .. But That Was A Lie!
She Was Admitted To Hospital And Had Lots Of Tests And Cat Scans, And She Got Told She Had Cancer .. She Died 5 Days Later.
My 2 Little Cousins Didn’t Know What Was Going On At The Funeral,. I Cried So Much .. But I Had To Be Strong For My Grandad.
I Miss Her And Love Her So Much.
I Think About Her Everyday And I Know That She Is Always With Me.

From: dale, 10/07
mum died 5 yrs ago

From: kat** , 09/07
Hi peeps well um my dad died 5 years ago and it was really scary because i was at school and my sister came after me and took me home and told me. i screamed my head off and i just cant get it out of my head.

From: Shellie, 09/07
Coming up to for years in Feb my dad passed away from lung cancer.. me being 'daddys little girl' it hit me really hard...
His sickness was very short and took him from us sooner than we imagined..
Memories of being in the hospital with him when he died always floods my mind which makes it seem like it was just yesterday..
Even though he has never met my son (his first grandchild) Im so glad i got to tell him that hes gonna be a poppy before he died..

I miss you so much dad... i wish you were here.. Love Always from Shellie & Mason

From: laura, 09/07
my NAN passed away 4 years this christmas, i still think about her every day, and it still hurts, people tell my i need to move on coz it was 4 years ago, i just say people grive in different ways,
i miss my NAN so much words cant describe how much,
i went and saw some one and thet really helped me, i think if i didnt i would be worse now, coz i didnt have any one to talk to, and i didnt know about this site then either, but its sites like this that really help people, i dont look back and think about how my NAN passed away, and when she was in pain ,i look at all the good tmes and funny times and the little things that i will never forget, treasure them, i love my NAN and love her with all my heart i do now and forever, buts she is in a good place now heaven xxxxxxxxxxxx
        xxxxxxxxxx
          xxxxxx
          xxxx
           xx
           x

No name, 08/07
my older brother was killed just over three years ago, i still can't believe it and don't think i ever will, when i look back to the weeks following his death i can't believe how i got through it with everyday that goes by i feel he is getting further and further away and i miss him terribly
it does help to talk about it though...sometimes i can tell that people feel really awkward when i mention him or what happened but i just try to reassure them that i'm not upset
if i could talk about him all day i would, even the sad bits, i want everyone to know about him and how amazing he was

No name 08/07
Is it ever going to stop hurting. I has been over 3 years but every day it still kills me a bit inside. We were expecting Dad's death but he was only 47... its not fair. Someone once said to me 'it never hurts less it just hurts less often'. I don't know if that is true yet. I am just over feeling so rotten, the game is up, give him back now please. I can't keep hurting this much every day for the rest of my life.

Lindsey 08/07
My dad died in 2003 and still to this day i am a wreck, i never talk to anyone about the way i feel and i never have, therefore its like i cant release my feelings, i was daddys girl (only girl) and he was the closest person in my life without doubt, when i lost him i didnt jus lose him i lost a part of me and almost all of my happiness. my friends have been amazing and still to this day are supportive but i jus cant seem to grieve. i would give anything to see him, or jus to be with him, i miss him more than any words could describe. i love you dad xx

Penny 07.07
my mum died 5 years ago, but I still feel as though someone ripped my heart out and boiled it. She was so ill, and I chose to leave her in hospital to sort out my own problems, coz nurses told me she would be home by the weekend.,....she never came home................I have to live with that, and I love her so much, i just wish she was here. I will NEVER accept that i wont see her again, NEVER, NEVER NEVER. She was a wonderful, fun loving, patient, kind, open minded, caring, knowledgeable, clever, sensitive, fantastic, talented, loving, first class, attentive, perfect MUM and i miss her, i miss her.......

xxkatxx 07.07
Well my dad deid five years ago this christmas and i have new friend called kirstie and she lost her dad at christmas i feel so sorry for her because i know what it is like to have someone who has died. I really miss my dad and i use this website alot and it has helped my through rough patches

jenny 07.07
My mum died nearly three and a half years ago from cancer. i'm missing her again today and still have some of the horrible memories like watching her die and crawling up the stairs behind her lifting up her feet as she was too weak to do it herself. there were good times too, but I wish I can remember more of them. I loved her SO SO much it's crazy that life has continued since she died. Jesus Christ has got such a big thing to do with it for me, He is so loving and has carried me in his arms and still does. If you've lost someone, or if you haven't, all I can say is seek God, talk to him, read a book about Jesus- Mark, Matthew, Luke, John.. God is alive and without Him I would not have been able to go on living. May God bless you.

miss you every day... 07.07
My first love died when we were 18. We had known each other for ages and had always been in love.
He was my first kiss, my first cuddle, the first to hold my hand. He was the first boy to ever look into my eyes or tell me I was pretty. He made me laugh so hard, and never made me cry. We were best friends. We had an unspoken understanding that we were meant for each other.
One night, when I was 19 years old, my phone rang. He had been killed in an accident.
I have to say that it has been 5 years and my life has this division, this line right down the middle. It is divided into "before he died" and "after he died." I think about him every single day. I miss him. I get older, and the person in the mirror gets older, but his face stays so young and innocent in my memory. I wonder if I will be 50 years old and still love this 19-year-old face. Sometimes I wake up full of tingles and warmth because I dream that he is hugging me. The pain has gone and all that is left is sorrow. I miss him each and every day.

katie 07.07
in 2002 our grandad died. he died of lung cancer. through his years he smoked and drank alcahol alot! on the nite he died our dad took zoe to see him in hotspital a few weeks later was his funeral. i dont know exactly what happend but we will still remember to this day that he died of cancer and he was a caring man. to even show him how much we love him we will do the race for life 2008/2009.

here4u 07.07
my dad hung himself 4 years ago! he had everything a man would want! a lovin wife 3 children who thought da world of him but yet this was still not enough for him! everything has changed since he did it!his family dnt speak 2 us my younger sibling has tried 2 od, hang etc everything he has tried lucky enough we have caught him in time! u should really think bout takin ur own life jut fink what is ur family going to b like are they goin 2 be able 2 go on in life! dont be selfish talk 2 some1 please! xx

xx kt xx 07.07
Hi peeps well my dad died 5 years ago in december 11th. He was called brian and he was my role model my father figure. Every time i see a little girl saying daddy it makes me cry but i am keeping alright and just remembering the good times. XXX

jj 05.07
when i was told my brother was dead i reacted by denying it an then whent through anger because i felt that he had let me down by not being there for me when i needed him, i only accepted the fact that he was gone when the curtains at the cermatorium pulled around his coffin that was i think a week later, whilst i was accepting the fact he was gone i was struck by greif it was so hard for me to say goodbye to some one who was so important to me and 5 years on i still some times think that he is still alive.

(anon) 05.07
My Mum Died When I Was 11 Years Old And Im 15 Now .. She Died Of A HeartAttack And I Nva Gt 2 Sai Goodbye .. I Dnt No Wat 2 Doo WId Maself Ne Mre

Paul 04.07
3 years ago yesterday the a lad i invited to a party crashed on the way back killing my two best friends, it still dosnt feel real some days i feel like it was yesterday and the pain is still here but other days i feel almost numb and its them days i cant take, cant understand why if there was a god he would take them both so young makes me feel sick when i see crimials living a life they dont deserve.

louise 04.07
My mam died 3years ago march 2nd 2004 she was an alcoholic and i think she just gave up on life. I was 7months pregnant .I miss her very much i was the last to speek to her i still nearly go to phone her she used to tell me how she missed me cuddling her i wish i could of cuddled her one more time to say good bye I LOVE YOU MUM!!!

(anon) 04.07
My dad died when i was seven, but i have only started grievig now. I feel angry at my dad for leaving my mum with two children but then i feel guilty. My head is all fuzzy and all over the place and when i am with my mates i just want to tell them how i am feeling but it is too hard.

anon 03.07
My boyfriend of 1 year killed hinmself four years ago in june is it strange that i still havent moved on i need some help.

Dennis 03.07
My brother, Christopher, passed away on March 29, 2003. Almost 4 years ago. I think about him every day. I miss sharing our experiences in life, his presence and the dreams we shared. Tears roll down my cheeks uncontrollably as i type these words. The pain will soon be replaced by a sense of emptiness. Joy and laughter were things we shared frequently. I can smile now, bitter sweetly, with tear stained cheeks. RIP CDW.

amanda 03.07
my dad died when i was 13 in a car accident, i am 16 now, a year later my dads best friend which was like a second dad to me died, i am suicidal and still very depressed, now someone i know die's every year. the lastst person that died was my great grandma, at her funeral i refused to go in, but i was forced out and i did not cry i actually laughed for some reason, what els its new, someone els is dead. i have nobody here for me and i am scared to care anymore.

Laura 02.07
One of my closest friends commited suicide about 3 years ago. When i first found out i cried for ages. I continuly wished that i had been there ti try and stop her jump. However now i know that if she had made her mind up then it was unlikely i coukdve stopped her. People tell me that she cant be my friend because she is dead, but i know she will always be my friend no matter where she is xxx

Sarah-jane 02.07
My mum died four years ago at the hands of another mans fury. The break up of her marrage had robbed her of her soul, and in truth she'd already died 2 years before that. I feel responsible (Could have done more), scared, alone and in so much pain still......I hope this gaping wound will become a scar somday so I can remember her without sobbing x
Sarah-jane
Funny, writing this has made it a little easier.

my brother died 02.07
My brother died 3 years ago in a tragic motorbike accident. i miss him so much.
i hate watching my parents in torcher, they are very different people as we all are that knew and loved him. i feel i have been living a dream but yet it is so very real. i know he has passed but what made my brother tick , his laugh , smile and compassion where it has gone. when i looked at him in his coffin it was him but my brother was gone. will i ever understand , will i ever know why at 31 he was taken from us.

(anon) 12.06
5 years ago my dad died in a car crash. Although i was only 7 at the time it still hurt me very much. When i first found out i was in so much shock i couldnt cry or talk or even step in a car. The sadness was undescribable i had no clue what to do. Even though it was quite a while ago now i still miss him so much. I never realised how important it is to make the most out of your life. My dad really should be here today, Everyone that knew him misses him so much. People try and make me feel better but i dont know anyone that is in the same position and really understands. My friends dont realise just how hard it is!
RIP DAD
love you forever.

owen 12.06
in 03 my dad got run over by a nearly blind man, my gran died in the summer and i wasn't allwowed to go to see her, my mums always ill and it hard 2 look after her and i jast find it so hard to cope as every1 thinks it gets better after 1 yr but it dont.

Rachael 11.06
My grandad died 5 years ago, it was so sudden he hadnt been ill, i had just been at his house 2 days b4. I bottled up my feelings as i was 10 at the time, i find it so hard to talk about him bcoz he was my grandad n he alsways told me 'to stick in at school'.

Lauren xXx 11.06
Lennie was a good friend of mine, he helped me through the first year of senior school, I first met him when some boys were picking on me, he defended me, and said if I ever needed him, he'd be there, he was 4 years older than me, but it didn't matter. January 9th of 2004, some long time fued with a gang came to a head, he was stabbed 6 times, severed an artery in his leg, and died. What hurts the most is that earlier in the evening, I saw him in town with some friends. I couldn't help but feel guilty for not being with him, at a time he needed help most, I felt that it was what I had to do, repay the favour for him helping me, but now I've realised that I couldn't have helped. I love him, miss him, and will always remember him. Lennie, R.I.P <3

Amanda 11.06
My dad, Mike, died 4 years ago. I'm 21 and didn't get to have him at my graduation from high school. My dad had kidney failure and congestive heart failure. To this day I can't stop the pain. I know he is no longer hurting...but I'm feel like I'm falling apart inside. He was an awesome man. Gave me someone to call dad...Every time I hear a Harley Davidson I pause and remember his hair flying back in the wind. No matter how long its been or the age you are...the pain still hurts so bad...doesn't go away...just gets a little easier to manage.

kerri 11.06
my mum died three years ago! i was 11! she died of smoking and drinking basically liver failure! i miss her so much! after she passed away on the 14th febuary 2003, my dad became ill and was in and out of hospital, he use to tell me he wnted to die! and he was goin the same way as my mum did, i aventually had to live with my aunt and my nan, i use to have a very good relationship with her but i don't anymore! i feel lyk i have lost everything, no-one ever speaks about my mum, we never go to her grave! its jst reli hard to cope with things! luff yoo mum XxX luv ur daughter kez Xxx

Lost_soul 11.06
It actually took about 3yrs for me to realise my mum wasn't coming back..I went into a little shell and wouldn't let anyone mention her name.. Then all of a sudden it hit me...I started cryin and couldn't stop...It wasn't her time...she should still be with us now...
Each night we shed a silent tear,
As we speak to you in prayer,
To let you know we love you
And just how much we care,
Take our million teardrops,
Wrap them up with love,
then ask the wind to carry them,
To you in heaven above.

(anon) 11.06
my dad died 4 years ago and my mum is very ill.

David 11.06
Hi everyone!
Maybe i am too old for thi site i dunno....i a 25 now and lost my mum when i was 22.
She was an amazing woman, but then i would say that she was my mum, and all mums are amazing.
Unfortunately life delt her a bad card and she didn't have it easy.
When i was 7 my dad beat her so bad he nearly killed her, and from then on things just got worse.
She turned to alcohol to cure her pain, and this became a way of life for her.
On sunday the 26th october 2003 at 1pm she died. Alone in her bed with no family around her.
I hurt so much from anger, anger for myself and anger towards the disease that took her from me.
I now struggle in my day to day life and have just been put on anti depressants.
I am successsful person, with a fantastic job and loving family around me.
However i would give this all up just to be with her when she neded me the most, just to hold her hand and make sure she was not alone.
I love and miss her everyday and i know you all feel the same about your loved ones, thats why i have got alot out of this site and reading your stories.
Thank you x

Summer 11.06
My dad died about 5 years ago and even though it was a while ago, it doesn't mean i don't stop thinking about him. he was my best mate, my role model and then he was gone. like someone said the pain doesn't get easier, but it gets manageable. he died of cancer, but he was strong. i won't forget the bad times such as his death scare, when his weight shrunk down and he was almost skelital, but i'll never forget the good times we had. i love you and i miss you x be strong to anyone reading this. things get better. summer xx

Steph 10.06
its been 3 years since my best, longest known friend died in a fourwheeler accident. She was 12. I cant remember much of the that it happen all i do no is that one min i was talkin to her at school and the next i was on the floor cryin because Paige was gone. its been that long and still i cant make myself to believe that she is gone. me and friends talk about her as if she is rite there beside us. there will never be anyone to walk the halls of ohes & wcms the way she did. and there will never be another girl like her.i no if it wasnt neccessary God wouldnt have took her away from us, but she didnt have to go threw any pain and i thank him for that every October 6, June 21, and almost every other day. PAIGE! ALL OF US LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU SO MUCH.

Aly 10.06
When I was in my second year of high school my dad died. it was so hard. i miss him dearly. the best part is that i can now talk about it. It has been almost 4 years now and I can talk about him like he is alive now. My friends that have never met him feel like they know him because it is easier for me to talk about him. The pain doesnt get easier it is just more manageable.

Jo 10.06
I was 13 when my nana died of breast cancer. She died in her house in her bed. I am now 16 and it has only just sunk it that shes gone, i got the results of my GCSEs and all i did was cry, she would have been so happy to hear my results but she didn't get to hear them. Im now in 6th form and im dreading it because she isnt hear to help me. Even though everyday is just another struggle i do feel her heart beating along with mine in heaven. Things Really Do Get Better... You never get over it, you just learn to live with it... Thanks.

Lynn 10.06
It's been 5 years since my big brother died. He was my support, he believed in me, & he was my best friend. Even though it's been such a long time, I miss him everyday. Everyday, my heart breaks when I see a glimps of him in a strangers face, or when I hear his name. In ways, it's gotten better, but I know I need help. I son't know how to deal with how I feel.

Laura 10.06
my gran died of cancer three years ago. although it was quite a while ago i miss her move everyday. she knew she had a lump for 8 years but didnt tell any of us. it was really hard watching her die. i cryed myself to sleep everynite. then one morning i woke up and saw my gran sitting on the end of my bed. from that moment on i have been living my life to the full. life is too short for arguments and all the silly things the only things that matter are people. but u never realise this until u lose sumone you love.

George 10.06
my dad was seriously ill in hosptal for a year so i kinda knew that he was gonna dye at some point but it was still a shock 2 me i was 10 at the time now 3 years on ppl r still telling me to move on and forget it but i cant because he was my dad and i loved him.

laura 10.06
it will be 3 years this Christmas Eve since my NAN passed away, she passed away because of cancer. as the second eldest grandchild, i felt a lot of pressure, to comfourt and explain to my young cousins about our NAN, it was hard because at the time i was griving to. and i had to coap with my griving as well as my cousins, my Nan was given 1 month and she fought all the way, i watched her grow waeker and weaker, and even at that time she still kept her big smile and still made every one laugh, we all miss you so much NAN, but we all know your in heaven as one a as GODS ANGLES, all your family, and all your grand children.

(anon) 10.06
I lost my girlfriend four years ago, of a sparkingly-fast brain tumor. It was a terrible surprise, and seeing her blind, just before her last moments, was a real trauma for myself.
Even though time has passed, I still can't stop but to think about her everyday, every moment. We were so much like each other, the sole definition of soulmates. We wanted to get married, to raise our very own family... I still can't get myself in a new relationship since she was so perfect, I am doubtful I will ever be able to find interest in another woman again.

JOE 09.06
in 2001 my beloved cousin Tom died. i was told when i finished school. my dad had rushed all the way to london. my cousin was a fighter. he had had downs sindrome since he was born. my dad was a marine commando and was about to go away when he was told my cousin had a week to live but then Tom survived til he was 16 when he was in hospial and he hugged my auntie said "i love you" then died in her arms. i was distraught. Tom was almost my whole world. his death had an affect on me. behavoural changes lonelyness and i no its not usual for a 12 year old to cry but i will just stay in my room and cry. rip Tom i loved you so muchxxx

Susie 09.06
When my little brother died of left heart syndrome and tavpd and he died after 4 days, so i never got to see him grow up, lern to crawl or to see him say his first word. the first thing i did was feel upset ALL the time, always wanting to cry. But then we talked about it loads, and talking was painfull at first but now i realise its easier. then when i had a flow of emotians so my mum and dad gave me a book to write all my feelings in, then i started to write millions of poems about how i feel. and i still do and i still cry and itz been 3 yrs now.
hope this helps you all,
love
susie.

(anon) 08.06
My mother wasn't tall, nor short, but undoubtibly beautifull. Her hair fell upon her head in anyway and still looked as if it could be that of a models. I seemed from an extreamly early age to have an attatchment to my mum, perticualy when saying goodbye. Something forever told me it would be the last time i would see her, so i would stand at the corner of the road and watch her car drive away, sometimes i even ran after her with tears in my eyes.
My mum was a very gentle soul, tourtured by the life she had had. Me and my sister begain to be the best things in my mums life after my parents divorced. I used to ask to stay extra days at my mums house before going back to my dads - Dads was a house, Mums was a home.
It seems that my mum held on longer than anyother could, a mix of eleven years of rape by her uncle, alcaholism, no mother, and various other drugs beinginvolved in her life somehow or another. Slowly i saw her detereorate into nothingness, untill my father decided it would be best if i didnt see her for a few days. Then she died. life hasnt been the same since and never will. I love you mummy xxx

jacqueline 08.06
I was 21 when my dad died of a heart attack, six mounths after my mum was diagnosed with cancer. She passed away in 2003. When she died my Younger brother came to live with me he was 15. We both find comfort in each other, we keep our parents memory alive by talking about them. There are so many days when I wish I could go back to being younger when they were still alive. I still want my mum when I'm sick or hurt myself. But I'm glad that I had them as my parents and that I have my lil bro. Love you always Mum and Dad thanks for being you x

claire louise 08.06
when my mum deid apart of me deid with her
never forget them once you forget them then they are truley dead.

lena 07.06
my friend died three yrs ago he was only 12 it was sudden and unexpected it damaged my brother more though because they grew up together R.I.P. W.K.Y NEVER FORGOTTEN XXX

Kathryn 07.06
My dad died only last week and he suffered from depresson. We didnt know how bad it was till now and he needed help. He didnt get it. So he got drunk and went to his shop and decided to commit suicide. He hung himself. I was so angry at him but very upset i cant sleep, im crying consant and i hate what hes done. I want him back because this seems un real. kathryn age 13.

Nathan 07.06
Four years ago my Dad Died suddenly, i am stil to this day Devasted!!
It was hard to ever imagine id have to live without him and the saying " You dont know what youve got til its gone"
This is very true, I have struggled over the past couple of years and have been on and off tablets and have needed a lot of help, But last night my nan died suddenly and i find myself back at square one in need of help and i feel so lonely...
I hate this feeling and i want it to go away, Why do people have to leave us?
I just hate life when its this way!!!!

(anon) 07.06
My nan died on the 5 November 2001 and I was very sad.

staci 07.06
my mum died 3 yrs ago i feel so alone you dont realise how much you need them until they have gone but since my mum died i have found myself a tidy little job a place to live on my own i think she would be pleased with me because i am getting on with my life i know i feel alone sometimes but i jusk think of my mum and then i dont feel alone ne more.

lena 07.06
my friend died 3 years ago it was a freak accident he was only twelve its damaged my brother more then me. we will never forget you R.I.P. W.K.Y. forever never forgotten.

AD 07.06
i lost mi grandpa 3 years ago - soon after i stared self harmin and finkin dat no-one liked me. i have written letters to him every nite dat i am at home since he died i still miss him and wish he was dare 4 me, but i know i will see him one day in heaven.
since then i ave lost 2 rabbits (both of 6 years) i loved them loads and write mi letters 2 dem as well. i have not had a very good year but i know that i will cope and even on realy bad days i pray 4 dem + ope dat they r k.
i want every1 2 know that self armin wont help anifin - just talk 2 someone who is a profeshonal counciler and u can feel better bout ure self.

CJ 06.06
its 3 years nx month since my mum died. i've felt shock anger and frustration, but only recently depression. i dont really want to do anythin sometimes, and dont look forward to anythin. i keep tryin and know that this is part of the grievin process and it will pass. im goin back to see my counsellor, that really helps.i used to say these things make us stronger, but now ive decided id rather not be strong! one thing i would really like everyone to know is that i dont think u should make bein rich a goal in life. i was left some and it doesnt bring happiness with it, it makes things easier but nothin on earth is more important than lovin family and friends. cherish every moment together, good and bad, and live every day like its your last.

sammi 05.06
when i got up 1 morin i was with mi dad we wnet to the doctors bout summet wen we got owt my dad jus clapsed and a heart attak i dint not wat 2 then a car pulled n rung 4 amublance I stil i cant get over this its been 5 years no i keep on breakin in 2 tears.

cymraes 05.06
When i was 13 (2002) i woke up to find everyone sitting in my lounge, I didnt know what was goin on really untill i saw their faces, I knew something bad had happened, my mum told me that my dad had died while doing a routine check at work. I think i died a bit then..
Press were everywhere, hiding and jumping out when i was tryin to go down the shop or to clear my head. it was awful, everything was a blur, I still cant believe it now. My best friend my dad he is gone :(
So much has changed, but its still hard,i still cant accept what happened.

Andrew 05.06
it will bee three years this june the 13th that my died i miss her so much i stall find it hard to cope

shaun 05.06
my mum died 4 years ago i still cant get over it i have a little box of things of my mums i look at in every night i still think of her

jess 05.06
when my mum died i didnt kno wot to say or do with myself i was 12 wen she died n im now 15 when she died i was cuttin my self but i stopped n i thought about what mum would of wanted, she wouldnt want me sittin here hurtin my self over her. so i disided to see a concila n she helped me soo much i felt so much betta after gettin my feelings out. all my friends where stars n i cant thank them enough there are times where i sit there n think omg im never goin to c her again. i right letters to her all the time about how im doing and that. i miss her alot and im not the only one my 2 brothers n my sister miss her aswell n my dad n all her friends i just hope shes proud of us all love u soo much mum xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

(anon) 05.06
07.12.2001, my lively and seemingly healthy grandad was taken ill at home with chest pains. my dad was with him and grandma, he phoned to say grandad was unwell but they didnt think it was too serious. I knew straight away that grandad wouldnt come home from hospital,I wouldnt say Im physcic or anything but I just had a strong feeling. an hour passes and the phone rings again,its my dad. Grandad had suffered massive heart failure and died in A&E. He was 65 years old when he died. I felt like I had been robbed of a special person at such a young age. I miss him terribly and am sure he keeps a close eye on me!I would love to meet up with him for a drink and a gossip like old times but ive realised since his death that we cant always get what we want. I know I will get to have that drink with him one day but every day I think of him and wonder what he's doing, if he's ok. People die so they can move on, those left behind must move on too.

Emma 05.06
I lost my dad 4 years ago now, and I still sturglle every day! So much has changed and he hasn't seen any of it! I passed my driving test, got a good job, bought a house and got engaged! I sometimes feel that I'm the unluckiest in our family, being the youngest, getting the least amount of time with him. Then other days I think "Hey I spent 6 months with the greatest man on the earth!". I had been sacked 1 month after he was diagnosed with cancer and i think that was the best thing that ever happen to me! People often said "Remember the good times", there were no bad times to remember really! I would give anything to just be able to sit and tell him everything I have acheived in the last 4 years! Anything for a hug! I miss you dad! And I hope I would have made you proud! Love forever me xxx

Debbie 04.06
My mum died Tues 19th Feb 2002 when i was 13 after a very long battle with cancer. They only diagnosed it as cancer in 2001. It was a skin cancer called melanoma but it was in her bowel which is apparently very rare, which isn't much consolation really. She never gave up, even towards the end she insisted on coming home for christmas and stayed with us kidz as long as possible before she went into the hospice. I wasn't told she could die, i simply assumed she'd get better as she had in the July before, when a tumour was removed. I remember the last time i saw her she was so thin, so weak, nothing like she was, that was a week before she died.
I was lucky in the fact i had an amazing church family and friends to support me as although i have 4 brothers and dad, who i still don't get on with well, they weren't very gd listeners and they were grieving too. Dad even had a breakdown when he lost his job after mum devorced him the year before, her death was just too much for him, he still is depressed and his mood goes up and down like a yoyo, v unpredictable. He's become worse since we moved in 2003 when he got a job, i also lost most of my support too, and i find it reli tough being the only girl in a house of men especially as i still haven't gotten over my mum's death, i miss her all the time and still cry myself to sleep some nights and noone in my family notices, noone knows except God. The only reason i'm still on my feet is because God keeps me there, He's restoring me, He's my rock.
Trust in the LORD with all your heart, do not depend on your own understanding Proverbs 3:5
Take care

sarah 04.06
2 weeks after my 13th birthday my grandad died.his health had been slowly getting worse for a few years, but that still didnt make it any easier to deal with. i found out when my mum picked me up from a sleepover at my friends house. its wierd because the night before i found out i was thinking about him and praying he that would be ok because he was in hospital. when my mum told me i did nothing but cry for hours.i didnt go to his funeral because i was so close with him, my family thought it wouldnt be the best way to remember him. what hurts me the most was that i never got to tell him how much i loved him. its been 3 years since he died and i miss him just as much as i did on the day he died.

candi 04.06
heres my stroy.. i lost a close freind, she was prety much my sister. i grew up with her and she taught me so much! she was 1 day away from being 18. 6 months later i lost another friend, brandon. onn top of the casket was a picture of him and lindsay..they were friends to! 2 years past and things seemed to be geting better after the aniversay. then 2 days after that, another realy good friend died. Pj was brandons best freind, how coudl God take him too! this is a realy hard time for al of us in this small town. after only 2 months on april 8th (yesrday) another friend died. is this town cursed? we cant take it anymore.. its all the tiem, its the same ppl feeling hurt . EVERY SINGLE DAY i miss them.... 3 rip LINDSAY brandon PJ jeremy

robyn 04.06
im 15 and my mum died 3 years ago of cancer although ive got my dad and two sisters, my sisters live with their boyfriends n i'm on my own with my dad and his new wife. i sometimes feel like i mite aswell jack it all in especially when i feel my dads wife is tryin to take my mums place but my mates keep me goin, loosing someone who you love more than anyone in the world is harder than anyone who hasnt experienced it can imagine, you have to remember that if you whent people would feel how u do now. i believe that to die would mean nothing else than to surrender.

(anon) 04.06
my mum died 3 years ago of alcahol poisoning, I loved her so much and i dont understand why people didnt help her more at the time, she was taken to a alcaholics place somewhere but it carried on afterwards. I just wish i could of been older as i was 13 at the time ( 16 now) and i could of helped her, I feel like im the only one that understands what she was going though, i really dont no why i do but. Its asif i can see why she was so damaged, I just wish she was hear now so i could tell her.. i was there and i wished i knew half the stuff i knew now then so i could help her.
love you mum.
x

Lynsey 04.06
my brother richard died in june 26th 2002 he was just 18, i seen him the day before he died but he was with 2 guys that i didnt like the look of so i turned the other way and ignored him, he was found in his flat by the police and his social workers he had took an overdose on pills, we will never know wether he meant it or if it was accidental because he took alot of pills and drink to try and make him feel better, i feel like a protection is gone but i also realise how he wasnt as mature as a thought he was as im now 18, i wish he was here i miss him so much but i think im numb to it all, until people talk about him then the memories come flooding back some good and some bad, but i know he's in a better place now were noone can ever hurt him again, thank god love u and miss u richard keep and eye on wee sis mum and dad!!

PM 03.06
I lost my dad 5 years ago and then I lost my mum a year and a half ago. I am in my late twenties and although I have a boyfriend, sister and friends I sometimes feel so alone. People who have not lost anyone close to them will never understand how you feel even thought they say they do. I know things get better with time so I need to keep strong.

x c x 03.06
my dad died in 10/01. he was healthy, loving, funny and he was really respected by so many people. one friday evening after playing sports, he suddenly collapsed. he was in hospital in a coma for a week until his condition detiriorated. i was 11. i'm now 16 and i still miss him so much. i'm so scared of forgetting what he looks like, his smell, his voice, if i could just have one more hug from him. i'm having to make all these decisions about my future and i want my dad here telling me what i should be doing. i know he's there on my shoulder watching over me and looking after me, but i just want him here again. life is so harsh that its so true you don't know what you've got til it's gone. i miss you so much daddy. lots of love forever x x x x x x x x x

Lara 03.06
My dad died of cancer three years ago. I was there holding his hand when he died and it was scary, I still haven't got over it but ever day I see a bit more sunshine, it's not blackness anymore.

dani 03.06
It's been nearly three years now. My brother died when he was 20 from an epileptic fit to be honest the first lot of months were easy cause i think i just slept through them when my gran died 4 months later i went into denial and then my grandad died a week before my brother 1st anniversary. The first 2 years were easy but now it's starting to hit home what i lost and it's tearing me apart.

Farah 03.06
My Dad died during my 1st year of med school...and I was away when it happened...he was a surgeon...I am really missing him right now...you know how you are a kid and you have a bad dream that one of your parents is missing??...Well, that's how it feels when a parent dies...it's one bad dream that you can't wake-up from... I love and miss my Dad and will always miss him...

(anon) 03.06
it was almost 4 years ago my best friend went away on holiday skiing it was her fav. thing to do she broke her neck when she got out of control on the piste. Still 4 years later i cry uncontrolably and sometimes wake up during the night with tears down my face. I never thought it could happen it still feels unreal like im gonna wake up from this bad dream or shes gonna come back off holiday and it will al be fine. I miss her so much. i find it hard now to have friends. It hu

rhiannon 02.06
my dad died when i was eleven- im sixteen now but i still find it difficult to think and talk about- i wa recently told that he was addicted to amphetamines and knew he was killing himself, as he was diabetic and wasnt looking after himself. this makes me angry because i cant belive how somebody could just give up like that, to me there is always a way through. since it happened i have blocked alot of it out and i hate talking about it..although a part of me wishes i could talk to somebody, you know? i cant speak to my mother because she makes me angry with how she talks about him. He never lived with us and i barely saw him..when he was alive he wasnt really a part of my life. so in a way i dont miss him, i miss what might have happened. i hate the fact he is missing out on my life, he isnt here to see everything new im going through and its all his own fault. id be okay if it was an accident, but he could have stopped what he was doing-but he was too weak.
this makes me absolutely determined to never, ever give up. it doesnt matter what happens to me or what situation i am in, i have promised myself that i can get through it, if only i ask for help.
i used to talk to my dad in my head until i found out the truth of how he died. since then i dont feel like i want to-as though he doesnt deserve it. this also goes against what i belive-i am an atheist, and i dont belive we go anywhere when we die.
all in all this was so helpful to say all this...i keep it in all the time, and i do worry about how it may be affecting me. i dont really know how to cope, but i try and muddle through as best i can. u
ltimatley i believe that nothing is so bad that i will give up on myself and my life, like he did.

(anon) 02.06
im a 14 yr old girl and my dad died 2 yrs ago because he had cancer on the brain. the last time we spoke we had a fall out but i wrote him a letter the next day because he was in hospital n he showed all the nurses saying look what my little girl wrote for me! he died a few days after this and its been 2 yrs now but i still cry everyday , my mom dont talk to me cause she dont love me she only cares for my brother , she never asks how i am feeling!

royce 01.06
my mum died on the 4th of october 2002
she was very pourly and needed a lot of medical support.i was 9 when i got in the house and we got a phone call off my sister saying that my mum died and i sorta expected it because my mum told me that evntually she was going to die
iam 12 now and i had bottled up the sadness an released it in emotinol ways and now i am very sad and depressed but the nice lady(carol)is trying to help me get through my problems and sort my life out.
my other problem is school which tires me out and is killing me.
all thes problems are causing my house family to be splitting up but we are a good family and will never split up. i also have my animals which always cheers me up. so if you have the same problem my advice is get a companion you will love always
thankyou for reading
royce

stacey 01.06
i found out recently that my father had died back in 2001, he had left the family home when i was about 9 or 10 ,[im 26 now]and although there was no contact for many years, apart from several letters and a couple of phone calls i fell utterly devestated i adored my father and always dreamed of the day i would meet him again, now i will never have that chance. worst still me and my brother were only informed of his death 4 years after he died so we couldent even attend his funeral to say our goodbyes i cry constantly for the father i loved and lost.

hannah 01.06
4 years ago in April my granddad died . I know this sounds this sounds a bit horrible but i miss my nan who died about 2 years ago more than him but i still miss him.

Nicole 12.05
I lost my boyfriend Michael and his mother almost 3 years ago 28/01/03. They were murdered by a friend of the family, who happened to be schitzophrenic. It was an awful time. I had just arrived back from a 3 month trip to Australia. I had missed him so, so much. When I first saw him again we had an intense arguement. In a way, it was a good thing, because we were argueing about things that confirmed just how much we had missed each other. Unfortunately, we each went out with differant friends that night and arranged to catch up after the weekend. I never saw him again.
The worst thing was probably finding out what happened from some one who didn't even know him. They had called to see how I was coping. None of Michaels friends had my contact details.
I was O.K. at first. The shock of it numbed me I suppose. For the first few weeks I was the one wearing a smile, supporting his friends, arranging a memorial gig. People seemed to admire my strength. It wasn't until a 4 or 5 weeks after that the pain started to kick in. And boy did it kick hard. I began drinking heavily. To this day I still don't recall those following three months of my life. It's a blur. I dread meeting people that were around then. Everyone's respect turned to sorrow, sorrow to pity, pity to ignorance, ignorance to disgust.
Somehow, I got through it. I had enrolled for Uni and was set to leave after the summer and I just huung on to the thought that all those people I had offended, I would not have to see anymore. What a relief, for them and for me.

Leaving to Uni was incredibly difficult that first year. I was ultra paranoid. It is impossible to describe just how paranoid I was. My brain worked so slowly, I couldn't look people in the eye, I couldn't communicate or even form sentences. I was convinced for a very long time that I was going mad (or already was).

Michael had always reminded me how important it is to appreciate life and all that it has to offer. How lucky we are to be here and to take advantage of all the opportunities that lay in front of us.
My second year at Uni got easier. I begun to settle in, my confidence grew and I didn't take life too seriously. I did well with my grades and generally was extremelly happy. I still thought about Michael a lot; how much I loved him, how he changed me, what a good person he was. But the biggest transition for me was being able to let go of the guilt; of wishing it was me who's life was taken and of wishing that I could do him justice by living my life for him. I began to live life for my own enjoyment and satisfaction.

To this day I am almost thankful of what happened, because now I know I can handle whatever life throws at me. Although it takes a lot of reminding for me to maintain that posotive attitude.
I am still scarred, and there are many aspects of my personality that have changed dramatically. There were very selfish, self-indulging times that followed Michaels death and I often fall back in to those cracks. When I feel emotional, I still go numb and try to deal with it on my own.
I often take on a very negative attitude that life should be easy and this effects me very much. I can get so upset over tiny little problems and revert in to myself.
Don't get me wrong, I am not like this all the time. Generally withdrawn may be a well suited explination. Before Michael died I was an extremelly outgoing, bubbly person. I had let many deaths pass me by and I think Michaels death bought them up to re-surfice. Three deaths since, and I sometimes fear that I am bottling those up too.
I still find it difficult to communicate; to be nice to people; not to be bitter towards others. It's a selfish burden, but I know it will pass eventually, because I know that I am surrounded by people that have been through more and dealt with more than what I have. These are eople to look up to and attitudes to aspire to. As long as there are amazing people in this life, it is definately worth living and working for.

Anon 12.05
Am I selfish because I resent him for leaving? Am I a bad person, because I can not hear his voice or see his face? Am I insensitive, because I can not remember all that was said, on what day, on what night? Everything is a blurr. And all that remains is that feeling in the pit of my stomache. That sick feeling inside, telling me to be thankful, to stop feeling anger, guilt, resentment, bitter.
Am I a bad person, to feel that I did not deserve to loose him? Am I selfish because I am sitting here right now feeling exactly the same as I did when he was taken? It's been three years and I forgot his birthday. I don't light candles, I don't pray, I have never visited his grave. I can't remember him. He's gone and I've forgotten. Yes, he gives me hope. Yes, his spirit remains. Yes, he is in my heart and in my mind and in everything I do. He is beautiful, as is life. But I carry a black cloud over my head. Why can't I be a good person now that he is gone? He was my hope, he was my heart, he was my joy, my smile, my laughter. He was my love

(anon) 12.05
My dad died when i was 10. He smoked a lot, and he was an alcoholic. He died from cancer and even though i only saw him every other weekend, i still miss him! and the worst part about it is he will never be able to teach me how to drive, he will never take me fishing, he will never walk me down the aisle. and i will never here his laugh or his voice ever again! i have lost my role model, my father figure, my hero, and my daddy!

Kristyn 12.05
I was 10, my brother had missed one of my birthdays from being at boot camp so I was really excited that he was going to be at this one i was going to be 11 in 2 months. My birthday is August 28 and my brother died in a car accident July 31. I knew I was never going to get to share another birthday with him. Until now...Im am now 15..its been 4 years and I share everyday with him he is in my heart and it is hard somedays but others I am happy as can be! It get better over time but I still think of what the past 4 years would have been like if he were here to share them....

Ashka 11.05
My 15 month old cousin died in 2002. She died of meningitis. I have not been able to get over it. I wish her life was spared and i would have gone instead of her. It has taken everything out of me because she died the day i was starting my exams. I miss her so much. I have dedicated a wall in my room to her. If i feel lonely i write what i feel and put it up on the wall.

Cath 11.05
My brother died of skin cancer on 28th April 2002 when he was 14. I think about him every day, I don't think he'll ever be out of my head.

Georgee 10.05
My grandad died a few years back and after that so did my nan.I believe she died because she wanted to be with my grandad and that her heart was broken without him.Ever since ive lost them both i suffered with depression.I just want to say that no matter how low your feeling the person youve lost will be looking down on you and wont want to see you upset.It sucks to loose someone you love and thats why i go to my nan and grandads stone,right poems,take flowers and leave bits and pieces to show im still thinking of them and i love them.

Rachael 10.05
My mum died on December 23rd 2000. i hate christmas and that christmas woz the worst i ever had i will memba that for the rest of my life every 1 woz so sad all my dad could do woz cry i stayed in ma bedroom the whole day crying and thinking bout ma mum thinking of how much i wanted her there with me to hold me and tell me everything woz gunna b allright i felt so angry at myself i neva got 2 say goodbye 2 her all the stuff i went through without her and she will neva experience those things with me. why did she leave me?

louise 10.05
my dad died on the 4 th may 200o i dont belive tht in time it gets easier i belive it gets harder i miss my dad soo much an wish he was here to look after me an care 4 me but he i gone ani cared for him soo much sometimes wish i could tell him i loved him an tht i cared for him still makes me sd tht he is deadand isgone i wish he was here more every day we had soo manty plnas for the futureplans all ruined but dad where ever u r i will make u soo proud of me i promise!!my dad died on the 4 th may 2000 i was 10 thn i miss him every day he died of cancer an ever since he died i aint told no1 i cnt an if i cty i dnt do it in front of any1 i miss him alot an am angry at him 4 not stayin on earth too look after me an share my life jst wish he was here !!!lov u from lou

(anon) 10.05
my brother died in a car accident 3 years ago i am starting to forget thing about him the best way i cope is to crate a photo album of him and look back and try to remember

Emma 09.05
One of my close mates died 3 years ago now and i still dont feel any different i have never really talked to any one about how i felt.She was on holidays and collapsed and went into a coma.We found out 2 days later and the next day she was dead.We talk about her but people just think every things ok because it has been 3 years.i misss her so much its just not fair.

Sophie 09.05
My Dad dies three years ago this month. I miss him so much. I miss his hugs and his kisses when he came home from work. I miss his smile and his laugh and his heartbeat. I miss him and the pain is so strong. I can't cope somedays but others I feel loved. All you guys out there, be strong but don't ignore whatever you're feeling. Cry when you want to, I am now but never forget. Never forget them, they'll always be with you.

Ellie 09.05
my nan died 17/6/02,
she wasnt just my nan she was my mum and my best frind i thought she would be around for ever but i was wrong when she left me i thought my world was gonna end i just wanted to die with her i hate her so much and i still do to this day i just want one more day with her to tell her how much she means and for her to take this pain away i feel when i think of her she was part of me for so long then she just went with out saying good bye i love u nan i always will we will meet again soon i hope your little girl Ellie. x x x

CARLY 09.05
ON THE 14TH OF MARCH 2000 I WAS TAKEN FROM MY YR 6 CLASS TO FIND OT THE DEVESTATING NEWS THAT MY MAM HAD DIES DURING THE NIGHT. AT FIRST A THOUGH THEY WERE LYING BUT THEN A REALISED THEY WERNT. AT FIRST A DID NOY KNOW WHAT TO DO AND ALL A COULD DO WAS CRY, I HAVE NEVER CRIED SO MUCH IN ALL MY LIFE. SHE WAS MY MAM AND SHE HAD LEFT ME IN THE WORLD ON MY OWN AT THE AGE OF 11. I COULD NOT BELIEVE IT. THE WEEK LEADING UP TO THE FUNERAL WAS THE WORST OF MY LIFE NOT THAT A CAN REMEMBER ANY OF IT, EVEN TODAY IT IS SUCH A BLUR. ALL I CAN REMEMBER IS IN THE CHURCH AND THE SONG WE PLAYED WHICH WAS CANDLE IN THE WIND BY ELTON JOHN. I ALSO REMEMBER THE CREMTORIUM AND PUTTING A RED ROSE ON THE COFFIN AND SAYING GOOD BYE FOR THE LAST TIME.THE NEXT FEW WEEKS WERE REALLY HARD BECAUSE I HAD TO GO ON WITH MY EXAMS BUT A GOT THROUGH THEN BECAUSE A NEW SHE WAS THERE IN SPRIT.
THEN 3 YEARS LATER ON THE 6TH MAY 2003 MY NANA WHO A LIVED WITH SINCE MY MAM DIED DIED AS WELL, WELL WHAT COULD A SAY MY MAM LEFT ME AND NOW MY NANA HAS , A THOUGH THAT LIFE WAS NT WORTH LIVING ANY MORE.BUT I AM STILL HERE AND DOING FINE.THE ONLY TIME A FOUND HARD WAS MY YR 11 PROM BECAUSE HSE WAS NOT THERE TO SEE MY LOOKING REALLY NICE IN MY DRESS. ALSO WHEN A GT MY GCSE RESULTS BECAUSE A NEW SHE WOULD BE PROUD OF ME BUT A WANTED HER THERE ND SHE WAS NOT THERE.I AM LEARNING TO COPE WITH IT NOW BECAUSE IT HAS BEEN 5 YERAS BUT A WILL NEVER EVER EVER GET OVER IT. I HAVE GOT AN AUNTY WHO IS LIKE MY MAM AND SHE IS THE NEST THING THAT HAPPENED TO ME AND SHE EVEN SAYS HE WILL NEVER BE MY MAM BUT SHE IS IN MY EYES AND A KNOW MY MAM WOULD WANT THAT.
ALL A KNOW THAT IS NOW MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY OR HOW MUCH PEOPLE TELL YOU IT IS UP TO YOU WHEN U DECIDE TO COME TO TERMS WITH IT A MEAN IT IS 5 YERAS FOR MY MAM AND NEARLY 3 FOR MYM NANA AND I AM YET TO COME TO TERMS WITH IT AND IT WILL TAKE A LONG LONG TIME FOR ME TO AS WELL. BUT WE ALL COPE IN DIFFERENT WAYS AND ALL A WANT TO SAY IS THAT U R NOT ALONE THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE LIKE YOU IN WITH THE SAME SITUATIONS SO TYOUR DONT HAVE TO SUFFER ALONE.

PEACE AND LOVE TO EVERY ONE
LOVE CARLY XXXX

martha 08.05
my brother passed away three years ago

m.watson 07.05
my dad, john, died 28th may 2000 in thailand on holiday. at the time i was 7 years old and took it really badly. i hadn't said goodbye to him and kept thinking that it was my fault that he's dead. i miss him loads, but not as much as i used to. i'm really afraid that i'll forget him, no one talks about him like they do about my mum, so i know it's going to happen. sooner than i think.

Carly 07.05
ON MARCH 14TH 2000 MY MAM DIED AT THE AGE OF 40. I WAS ONLY 11 YRS 2 MONTHS AND 10 DAYS OLD.A MISS HER SOOOO MUCH AND THERE IS NOT A DAY THAT GOES BY THAT A DONT THINK ABOUT HER.

C 07.05
Is been 5 years since my nan passed away and I thoughtit would get easier as they saytime is the best healer well let me tell you this that is un true!
The pain I feel I will always feel as she gave so much and asked so little.
so wheres the justice she had lung cancer and for everytime I see an ad or hear a song I can't control my emotions as this woman gave me the right for life and the chance to say thankyou was never there. please dear god please find away to take the pain I feel as It has already destroyed my brother and it is doin the same to me.
I now have a little girl whos gonna be 2 in september and everytime i look at her i wish my nan did to.
thanx nan I missyou and love you with all my heart.WHY?

Kirstie Sc 07.05
I was 13 when my Dad died a great shock to us all as he hadn't been ill at all! It was 24th Feb 1996! So long ago now but still feels like yesterday!! He had a heart Attack and died in our home but because the Doctor didn't get to our house in time the Medic's took him to A&E in a way i'm so glad!! Coz i don't think i could have coped if he had, had to stay in our house for hours till all the police investorgation had been done! You see thats what they have to do if some dies unexpectedly the police have to investorgate! And i'm glad it all took place at the hospital! Even tho i do know it was very hard on my MUM!!

I was a total Daddy's girl, i adored him so much an if he was at home i was hardly away from his side, even as i grow up!!
Its still so strange to think that hes not coming back all these years on, i'm 22 now and i still expect him to come walking in the front door after a day at work,(even tho we have moved house), i know he won't an he can't but i still half expect him to! That sounds mad i know!
I found it very hard to grieve for my Dad and still now I'm having trouble, but that because when he first died i wanted to be at school around my friends and what seemed normal, so thats what i did! I went to School, Mum and my little bruv stayed at home together for at least amonth if not longer before even thinking of going back to school or work!
At school everyone said they were there for me if i wanted to talk about it, i didn't know what to say, or even having anything to say!! So i didn't talk much at all the first couple of years after he died and then about 3 or 4 years later i was READY, i wanted to talk, but poeple didn't want to listen, they said "You should be over this by now, just get on with it!"
Each time i tried to talk no one would listen or just say the same to me so i started to believe them, thought they must be right! But they weren't you can never get over loosing some one, esp some one close! An coz people wouldn't listen i locked all my feelings up in-side, not letting anyone close enough to hear them, not letting them out, I thought NO-ONE wanted to listen!! Its was just that they weren't great friends, I then became close to who is one of my best friends now, an she wanted to listen, she was always there for me, it didn't matter to her that my Dad had died years before, she cared she was willing to listen, by that time i was 17 and we were at college together after being at sixth form together and in the same year through secondery school (even tho we didn't really know each other back then)and in the april after my 18th we lost our best friend, she had CF (Cystic Fibrosis) and passed away 24th April 2001!!
An that was another big blow to me, she was 16 looking forward to an planning her 17th birthday! (I Miss her)
I didn't think i could feel the same pain i had felt when ever again after loosing my Dad, so much pain and it was all back again, i thought it was going to kill me!
TWO major losses in the space of 5 years, Between loosing my Dad an my best friend i had lost my Nanna, it was a shock but we knew she was going an in some way had strated to grieve before she died, and my Auntie (Tantie) Corry from Holland!
So really in the space of 5 years i had lost 4 close people!
But the pain for ME was so much more harder to deal with when i lost me Dad and when i lost my best friend Heather!

(anon) 07.05
my sister died in 1999. she was mentaly and physically handicapped and was very ill. me and my family had been off school and work on and off for the last year that she was alive. the day she died was the day that we went back to school but we all still managed to be with her as she died. When she died she was on my lap. i think about her all the time and none of my firends understand this, they all just think i should be over it by now. I also just very recently lost my grandad and it has just brought every little feeling back of what it was first like losing my sister. i replay every little detail in my mind.

Shu 06.05
my dad took an overdose of insulin three years ago.i've only started to address how i feel and i feel so alone.i dont have a dad.

Sharon 06.05
Its 3 years since my mum passed away, she had been fighting cancer for 3 years. she found out this last time she had cancer just a few days before she was by my side while i was giving birth to my daughter. we was told she may not make christmas which was 3 months away, but she did, infact we all thought she was going to make a recovery again and prove the doctors wrong again. God how we wished. She had started getting betterthen a few days after my 19th birthday in may we had an argument. I didnt go round for weeks. Then i found out from a friend that she was ill again. I rushed round and dad wouldnt let me talk to her. Later that night she rang and we sorted everything out. She went into hospital the next day, thats the last time i ever saw her walk, she was moved from the hospital to a private hospic, and on the monday after being there 4 days they told her there was nothing more they could do but she could have anything from a few weeks to months. The following day she was home, I tried to sort my daughters christening so she would be there, a week sunday. She wasnt there, infact the funeral was that wendesday. she gave up on the thursday after 7years 5 months and 4 days with my hand on her heart and family around her. I cant help thinking that if it wasnt for my argument, she would still be here today and saw her first grandaughters 1st birthday with me. im so sorry mum, i love you. good bless

(anon) 06.05
my brther died when he was a baby, and i was young so i dont remember him, but i think of him everyday and on his birthday i speak to him and wish him a happy bithday.

Jeff 06.05
My dad died Jan. 20, 2004 . It has been hard on me and mom . When some thing comes up where I need Help to do some thing it makes me thank of hem. Or when times are tuff I thank of hem . Now Father's Day is coming up Im sad. I fill like life go's up then down . I now life is hard and not just for me.