personal

1-2 years

stacy, August 2010
i lost my mum on dec 10th 09 i do find it very find being withouth her but i now shes in a better place now i miss her so much we was very close and its so hard going through these few months without her i feel very alone i no there are so many people to lose a mum but it hurts so much

Steph, August 2010
My nan died in january 2009. She had cancer but had only recently found out. Although she had cancer she was still really well in herself until around christmas when she started feeling really worn out. I was so close to her, she helped me sooo much and i spent most of my time with her, especially when i lost contact with my mum, she was there for me and i spent all my time with her. The day she died I will never forget. It was the worst day of my life! I cried for weeks after she died but then i thought i was stupid and i had to pretend i was ok, so i tried hard not to show any emotions to anyone. In someways i dont think ive grieved because i miss her too much and it isnt getting easier. Tomorrow would of been her birthday and its going to be a really hard day. i wish i could turn back time, or just have one last conversation, or even a hug with her. I love you with all my heart nan and i will never forget u !! x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

Leah, August 2010
When I think back 2009 was the worst year of my life and one of the hardest. When I was younger I had lost contact with majority of my family. It's only when I found out my nan was suffering from breast cancer. We got back in touch again. When I saw her in hospital that's when it really hit home. My Nan was like my best friend and I spent as much time as possible with her during her last few months. It was horrible to see her suffering but now I know she's in a much better place. There's so much I'd like to say to my Nan when I think about it and so many things I would like to do but I no longer have the opportunity. There isn't a day that goes by in which I don't think about her. She was my hero, my best friend and the most amazing person that had ever walked into my life. If I could bring her back I would do it without second thinking, I would easily take her place but I know that I can't. It's hard to believe but it does get better within time. I still miss her but I know she's here in spirit. I love you so much nan, you may be gone but you will NEVER be forgotten. You will always be in our hearts. <3 xxx

No name, July 2010
It's been over a year since I lost my best friend. I still have her mobile number and I still cry here and there, I think about her EVERYDAY & I still have mood swings that only started after she passed. I saw a girl the other day that looked exactually like her, I was going to chase after her and hug her but I knew it couldnt have been her. I don't think it changes much from now on. Ill always get upset about her and miss her.

Beverley, June 2010
well,, i lost my sister katrina in 2008 the 26-10-08, i was up at lossiemouth when she died, katrina was 21 when she died, katrina foned me on the saturday night, saying how,mutch i ment to her and how mutch she,loved me,, thenn on the sunday morning mum went over to her house and she wasn't there, so mum went down to the police to see if she was there, then me and my dad got a fone call saying that katrina had done away with her self, i thought they were joking, and it never sunk in that i will never get to see her again,i only knew her for 11 years, so i went home and thought about opening up her servis, so i opend up her servis, i sed..hello and welcome,for thoose who don't know am katrinas lil sis beverley,my sis was a funny girl she loved her clubland and me to,i member the time we went down the road and had a lil race i lit her win, here is a lil poem for,my sis
please come back, i want you back we will meet again soon!(there is more but not got enough room)
r.i.p katrina

No name, June 2010
My dad died 4 days after christmas.[2008] i didnt see him on christmas day and he was supposed to come see me on boxing day, he didn't turn up and its sad because i cant even remember the last time i saw him and i miss him soo much! and its fathers day on sunday and i realy aint looking forward to it. i dont think i'll ever get over it. people have asked me if i want help for bereavment and i have always rejected the help because i feel as if it wont help me at all because at the end of the day, it's not going to bring my dad back. :/

hayley (14), June 2010
I lost my dad 2 years ago (2008)on the 19th of june from lukemia a type of cancer of the blood. When i first found out(18th january 2007) i had just came in from school at 11 years old to find my family had some bad news for me + dad was already in hospital. I had nvr herd of lukemia before + was extreamly upset not knowing what to do.dad suffered 1 + a half years from the horrible desease going through good + bad times. At good 1s he managed to get 2 my brothers wedding and sisters graduation and also went into remition and was about to have a transplant then the desease came back!! but bad times was ill in hospital and got told had a couple of weeks to live but turned out 2 two months as he was a vry determined fit man at the start of it. But eventually dad had his last few days at home with people having to go +check on him every five minutes upstairs then my mam found him when i was outside with my friend some1 came to get me + told me the terrible news "my dad had died" seeing him lieing in the bed i didnt know wt to do at 12 year old. i just cried and cried!! we raised about a thousand pound to help lukemia reaserch at james cook university hospital in were dad spent a lot of his time.and i still want to help as much as i can to prevent the horrible desease and people going through what i am. :(

My dad was a kind, caring family man he was always there for me my sister and 2 brothers.. he was loved by a lot of people and one of the best electrictions in the area with his own company he also was a massive fan of the amazing elvis presily so just listening to that music reminds me drastically of him and his atempts 2 sing to it. Also my dad loved climbing mountains and managed kilimanjaro the biggest in south africa!!! so im memory of him on his 1st aniversary we wlked his favourite mountain in the lakes and my two brothers and sisters feonce have done the 3 peeks in 24hours 2day and yesterday in memory + also i have taken part in darlingtons race for life today and last year!!
its amazing how many people loved my dad and miss him loads especially me and my family and my poor nice at 3 year old doesnt understand wt happened 2 her g-dad.
So now im a bit older i think its all hitting me a lot more i am getting upset a lot but its good to no my family, boyfriend curtis and best friend from being a baby (Amy) is there for my.
I just want to say thank u for every1 at ward 14 and want my dad 2 know that...
I misss him everyday, he is on my mind always and i love him soooo much
rip my dad sufferer of lukemia (cancer)
I LOVE YOU DAD FOREVER AND EVER YOUR ALWAYS ON MY MIND!!!xxx

livz ( olivia ), May 2010
my gran passed away on june 27th 2008
my parents never told me that she had cancer
today i heard that someone else i know died
its a hard life but we have to cope
i will always love and cherish her
i love you granny peg

No name, 27 April 2010
i lost my grandad 2 years ago,it still hurts me from this day on,im scared of letting go incase i'll forget about our happy times,but noone would tell me that he had canser because they known what it would do to me,so he got rushed into hospital,and i went to see him,but i had to stop going because he was gettng really poorly so i stopped going then the next day he died so i couldn't say my goodbyes,I Miss you grandad x x x x

No name, 3 April 2010
My mum died two years ago when i was 13. I am still finding it really difficut to deal with. I botted up all my emotion that was to do with mums death because my dad wasin enough pain from loosing her i didnt want to make it anyworse for him. This made me resort to selfharming. I did it because i felt it was my fault that she had died that maybe if i hadnt bin born this would never of happened or if i was there on the day she nad died maybe she wold of lived a bit longer. I have only just started to talk about my feelings with my dad but i find this really difficult. I now am seeing a conceller and that is helping me talk about things. I'll never ever evet forget my mum but i want to renember the good things not the bad things and talking to someone actually helps alot. I LOVE YOU MUM!! XX

No name, 3 April 2010
About a year and half ago, my ex-boyfriend died in a car crash and about a week later, his twin couldn't handle it so he killed himself. i was really damaged inside but it got a little easier until one of my best-friends died during skiing about four months after and it knocked me down even further. But, i had my other best-friends there with me to share my pain and take loads off my shoulders. all of a sudden, about a month ago- some time in february- my bestest friend turned to me and told me he had cancer. (that same day i found out that my boyfriend has got diabetes)he was fine and happy to my face as he never wanted to show me he was scared to stop me from paniking. but, two days after, his mum rang me saying that he had been rushed in hospital- the day after he told me about his cancer- having 6 panick attacks and two heart-attacks but the last heart-attack killed him. i lost my bestest friend and half my heart was empty. the worst thing was, he was born in Italy so his mum wanted his grave with her in Italy and offered to pay for a week's holiday there for me to go to his funeral but it was during school time so i couldn't. So i never said bye to him before he died, whilst he was being burried and still can't because he is burried in Italy. so you people who can at least visit you're loved-one's graves, you should think yourself so lucky to go there and spend time beside them or even visit their grave when it's their birthday or an anniversary cause i can't. and it's the worst feeling in the world to know that he is in a different country to me and i cant once again sit by his side for even ten minutes. so just think about that when you feel so unlucky and it might make you feel a lot better. xxxx

KIRA, 3 April 2010
My mum died a year and a half ago and today i bought the ashes to ashes soundtrack , which we liked listening to together and i just laid on my bed and listened to it and had a little cry, i find that it made me feel a lot better as i rembered her more and more and we i get sad of think i am fogeting her then i listening too or hum the songs in my head !

alice, March 2010
i lost my grandad over a year ago. it was on the 27th february, just after my 14th birthday. the thing that hurts me the most is that in december i went out for a meal with him but he kept wondering around and i got a bit annoyed with him and told him to sit down because otherwise we would get split up. he didn't eat anything that night and just had his usual whisky. we took him back to his house and it was freezing so my mum had a go at him and told him to put the heating on because he would 'die of pneumonia.' we kissed him goodbye and went back home. the next day my grandad collapsed of a heartattack. he was living on his own because him and my grandma split up so he managed to call my cousin before he collapsed and unlock the door. my cousin heard him fall and called an ambulance. he was in hospital until january when he came out but then had another heartattack on my birthday, february 1st. two nights before he died, i went to see him and he didnt look right at all. he couldnt even drink for himself. i gave him a drink, kissed him on his head and told him i loved him. he then died at 5 in the morning on the 27th surrounded by my mum and her two sisters as her brother was 10 minutes too late. eventhough i knew he didn't have much longer, i was still so shocked when i found out. i have a big irish family and my male cousins are all big rugby players, and to see them cry made it harder. his funeral was in march and i was suppose to say a bidding prayer, but i couldnt. i just broke down. i feel so guilty that i couldnt say it. before my grandad died, he said to me 'throw my ashes in the loch.' he meant the loch in loughrea, galway - where we come from. but my mum and her brother and sisters buried his ashes with his mum and dad. the fact that grandad asked me to throw him in the loch, and we didnt, also makes me feel guilty. ever since my grandad died, i wake up at 5 every morning and i suffer with depression. i loved him so so much and never really thought he would leave me. i still can't talk about him without crying. and also living in england when he is buried in ireland doesn't help. they say 'it gets easier with time' but it hasn't. i'm heartbroken and don't think i will ever be the same. i love you grandad. x x

Becky, February 2010
Its been 1yr and 4 months since my friend killed herself. Her 17th birthday is coming up very soon and its made me think an awful lot about her. I still miss her everyday and I can never forget her. loosing her has effected me in more ways I ever realised it could. I want to be with her, I don't care where she is. Dealing with it is still hard, some days I don't want to get up but I always do. her birthday has made it feel so raw again. She was my rock, I let her down. I miss her and I feel so guilty. I miss you my sweet, more than you could know x

Fiona 18, February 2010
My dad killed himself about 8 months ago and i cant cope.
i dont want to talk to anybody like councellers about it because i dont like to.
my boyfriend wont listen as he dont know what to do and everyhting sems to be going downhil.
i have some suicidal thoughts but im not sure if thats what they really are?
i am also turning to alcohol to deal with the stress of things.
i just want ot be someone else. have a differnet happy life.
but i guess things dont happen like that.
not for us anyway. . .

thomas_age 12, January 2010
my grampa died 2 years ago at 1 stage i felt like killing my self because i started to miss him so much that's why im telling RD4u iam finding it hard after 2 years!!! but these 2 years have seemed like forever.

From RD4U: It is good that you have posted this message and then other young people can reply and give you help and support. We also can help. We have a Freephone Helpline on 08081671677 and there is also another good helpline called Childline on 0800 1111. You mention that at one stage you have felt like killing herself so another good organisation is called Papyrus Prevention of Suicide on 08701704000. We have branches of very experienced bereavement support workers if you want to have some appointments. Our website www.cruse.org.uk gives details of our branches.

Archive of messages up to the end of 2009