personal

1 year

Priya, June 2009
my lover did suicide on last year

Julia, May 2009
I lost my mum on May 10th last year.

The worst thing is it was quite unexpected.

She had a tumor removed near her heart, & even though she did wake up after the anaesthetic, she went into cardiac arrest 2 days later & then slipped into a coma from which she never awoke.

I visited her every day in hospital & then when she was moved into a nursing home I was there every 2 days with my brother.

I sat talking to her but I don't know if she could hear me.

As far as I'm concerned I lost not only my mother but also my best friend . I would tell her anything & everything.

It may be a year since it happened but for me I still feel the loss & miss her every day.

I know she loved me & my brother & I will love her wherever she may be.

No name, April 2009
my mum was lovley.She died one year on the 21st of June.I miss her so much.

lisa, April 2009
My mum died on the 23/05.08 at 3.15 .That morning my mum was fine i got a call to tell me that she had a fall .Never ever did i think my mum would die .I got to the hospital at 12.30 my mum died at 3.15 that same day .Its coming up to a year soon and i still look for her i still cant belive i will never see her again . I LOVE AND MISS YOU MUM LOVING YOU ALWAYS HOLDING YOU FOREVER XXXXXX YOUR LISA

Imi, April 09
My grandad died of cancer last year RIP Grandad Norman
Imi, April 09
My friend and Mummy's friend , Julie died of cancer last year . RIP Julie .

Libby, March 2009
My mum died a year ago. I miss her soo much, I miss her hugs and hearing her voice....I want her back.

j....j, March 2009
my girlfriend died from cancer last year,my heart is still bleeding.

No name, March 2009
what to say i dont know from past one year my eyes never stped crying.....i had hard time and still going through it...i cant live without my dad who was my life...
my dad is really a great person...he didnt study much but he worked very very hard to make us educated. He was working in a Hotel and all the 4 kids are Engineers...he was our inspiration of life...i always used to be with him ...in all times...but when he died i was only person who was not with him i couldn't even see him...i was very far away from him far away .....It took me 10 days to come back home....who the hell want's this life where my dad is not there...i am still waiting for my turn to die and see my dad again ....almost trying to find whats death...which many tried to find and didnt find proper answer..want to know where is my dad?...what happened to him...want to speak to him want to get scoldings from him...want to go for a long walk with him...i want thim very badly...i dont know if i will be alive tomorrow....but if i am not...i will surely meet him....if i am alive i will be still waiting for my turn...

Thanks for this site...for giving me a chance to write my feelings....
Thank you very much

No name, March 2009
my grandad died almost a year ago now and thik i can deal with it but everytime im doing something i think he would be proud of or hear an emotional song i just start crying because the worst thing is that you cant go to him when your upset, you cant see hi smile at you when youve done something nice

and the worst thing is i cant walk up to him and give him a realy big and heart felt hug i always wanted to give him

Sal, March 2009
Last year I lost the love of my life my best friend my sweet girlfriend . I have drowned in sorrow since then . she was the only thing I wanted to live for and now she is taken from me . this is so unfair . sometimes a I ask myself "why me?" now i can't sleep because of her love . I dont think I can get over it but a piece of advice would be useful

Kate, March 2009
I lost my mum 12 months ago it will be a year on 29th of March, my mum was ill for a couple of years with different problems but the one that took her was cancer, im 24 now and know im not a child but i feel so helpless without my mum to guide me through my life, i have an 18 yr old brother who hasnt taken this well, he drinks with my dad and i feel hes using that to block out the pain, i havent come to terms with my mums death, i still smell her around the house, im also 9 months pregnant and have found this to help me as well as make me miss her more, i havent been able to drink or smoke and this has helped me, all i can say is talk about your loss, Dont think you have to keep their memory locked away and smile for them, remember them and be happy for the time you had with them not sad for the time your gonna have without them

no name, 25 February 2009
Mum When i left you in hospital that night yo had been there for 8weeks and were doing really well, i had brought a video camera to film my holiday cruise for you like you asked me to do, but the next day you died in your sleep i didnt find out for two days, it broke my heart then and still does altough it's a year ago, i'll always carry you in my heart.

Nanny S, 24 February 2009
I just had the first anniversary of my dads passing , it was on the 18th Feb . I remeber of everything that happend on that day last year like i spoke to my dad a couple of hours before he die . I finish work in for the day in Austria and i told him that i had a balconey party and our landlady throught that we took her chairs but we didnt . So he laugh and took the mick . Went to work as normal and then i found out on the phone , words cant describe that day . Here i am now working in france and i owe to my dad he said before i started working seasons that he is proud of me .

No name, 11 February 2009
My dad died a year ago on Valentine's Day. He was elderly, but you never are ready for this. I got a call from my Mom while at work and was in shock and disbelief. I was able to see him, but never have gotten over the fact that I didn't get the chance to say goodbye. As Valentine's Day approaches, I wonder how I can honor my Dad in some way. I also want to do something special for my Mom. Any suggestions? This holiday will never be the same for me but I need to keep it happy for my kids. I find myself crying at night so my kids don't see. I just need that hug from my Dad. He was always there for me.

No name, February 2009
After christmas last year, 2008, my dad passed away, after a battle with cancer. He had been ill since about june, it was the third time he had it. I honestly thought he was going to get better. Then at the begining of January 2009, my mum sadly also passed away. This was after having some liver problems, which we were told were not life-threatening. I cant deal with it.

No name, December 2008
Ive tried to write this a million times but every time I hit the wrong button and I dont seem to be able to say the words I want to say. I just want people to know that me and my gorgeous brother lost our best mate this year and that waas r mum. We miss her everyday and I can't comment for him but me and her were like sisters rather than mum n daughter. I see her all the time in my dreams and hear hert voice and if I could say one thing to her now it would be COME BACK MUM I LOVE AND MISS U SO MUCH U WILL ALWAYS BE MY ANGEL GOODNITE MUM, BE HAPPY UP THERE
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Ally, November 2008
Its just over a year ago now that my mum died of cancer. she was diagnosed when i was 11 and fort it for 5 years. to be honest, i never got really upset about it, i kept it all to myself and just pretended like i was happy and fine with everything. i have no one to talk to really, i am an only child and me and my dad dont talk, we hardly see eachother. i find it really hard to let my feelings out and as a result i started harming myself to try and make me feel better.
I managed to stop the self harming after 6 months but recently started again. mainly because my dad has recently started seeing a new woman who happends to be someone ive known for many years. she was a friend of my mums. im finding the whole situation very hard to deal with and my moods have become very unpredictable, resulting in the loss of some friends.
i really dont know what to do now and i just need someone to listen to me and at least pretend to care.

From the RD4U team:
I am sorry to hear that your mum died of cancer just over a year ago. I am also sorry to hear about your selfharming. Do think about some things that may help. It is good that you have posted a message and then other young people will reply. Cruse also has a Freephone Helpline on 08088081677 which is open from 930am to 5pm Monday to Friday. Cruse also has support workers around the country and details of our branches are on our website www.cruse.org.uk Childline are also a very good organisation on 0800 1111 and they are open 24 hours a day. Hope all this helps. Take care

hannah, November 2008
last month it was 1 year since mum died and my dad has got a new friend but he keeps on going to see her and we don't know much about her and we can't even see her it's like dad is keeping something from us that he does not want to upset us by.

Ahmed, November 2008
12 months ago, i have lost my best and dear close friend of me, he was dead in a car accident in Dubai at November 2007, he travels there for a good job opportunity which i get it to him before the death with 10 months, i alawys blame myself but who can stop the fate, he was my dream, my hope, and my disteny was to carry him with my hands to his grave.

Had nothing to say but i miss him as much as i miss happiness.

Abbie, November 2008
I lost my dad a year ago its been really heard for me i miss him so much i wish i could see him again i cant talk to my mum about it coz i dont want to see her get upset if i think about my dad i always think of how much pain he was in.the last time i saw him was in hostbital he couldent talk so i will never now what he wantede to tell me i now he wanted to tell me somthing coz he was trying to talk put he couldent i new he was going to die but not at the age of 34.

if i had one wish i wouldent wast it on wanten to be rich i would wish for my dad back.

Abbie, November 2008
My dad died when i was 13 im 14 now but its still really heard for me to cope with i miss him so much we were best mates the last thing i remember about him was when he was in hosb he was in so much pain i hate watch poeple i love im pain it killes me i never speak about my dad.
miss u like mad AJ xxx

Charlie, October 2008
I lost my Nanna a year ago on the 4th November, the day before her 87th birthday. We drove 2-3 hours down the motorway in the dark on the night of the 2nd (which was the 9th anniversary of Grandad's death) to see her, and I sat in the hospital beside her for 3 hours, talking to this unconscious form, and I could not cry. I didn't go back the next day (the 3rd) to visit according to my parent's wishes, went to bed as normal that night, and by the time I got up the next morning she was gone. I never thought I'd miss her this much, since then it's like I've just been floating through my life, not letting anything touch me or get close to me. I've been to counselling and tried anti-depressants which have given me a little more perspective on things, but it still hurts every day.
See also Charlie's poem

Danni, October 2008
My dad was an alcoholic for 7years and in the past year he got really ill. He went into hospital and i went with him, he stopped breathing and had a heart attack in my arms. I decided that i didnt want them to restart his heart. But he hung on for another day but stopped breathing again and i asked the doctors to leave him and let him go. He died 5 days after his 48th birthday.

hannah, October 2008
it is nine days before 1 year when my mum died of the most rearest cancer ever seen. and now it is my dads birthday i dont want anyone to be upset because we are all ready upset enough. i have also been trying to talk to my dad but so far i have not been able to but i dont know why.

No name, 4 October 2008
last year a girl at my school died. she committed suicide. people seem to have gotten over it already but i still think about her everyday. I wasn't very close to her, but we went to the same dancing and we would talk every so often. Why she did this to herself nobody knows. She was pretty, talented ad smart and so many people looked up to her as a role model. I miss that she isn't here anymore. Even though she is one person it feels as though it has taken a whole chuck of me :(

ruth, September 2008
my baby died last year

EMMA, September 2008
MY SISTER HUNG HERSELF LAST YEAR SHE WAS BEATEN AND RAPED AND WAS A VICTIM OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE PLEASE HELP ME
From the RD4U team:
I am very sorry to hear that your sister hung herself. I hope Cruse can help. I hope you will continue to use this website. Perhaps also you want to telephone us on Freephone 08081671677 which is open from 930am to 5pm Monday to Friday. Please also think of telephoning Childline on 0800 1111 which is a 24 hour service. If you want to see someone from Cruse who can help do telephone the local Cruse branch and details of the branches are on our website www.cruse.org.uk

crystal, 28 August 2008
A little over a year ago I lost my boyfriend of two years in a car accident. He was everything to me and it has been difficult moving on. We had plans to move in together after I graduated from college and to start a life together and it was hard to imagine getting out of bed in the morning without him. I felt like the sunshine had gone out of my life.

But to everyone who is dealing with a new loss, I can honestly say that it gets a easier to handle. He is still in my thoughts every day and there are times when I feel completely comsumed with sadness but it does not occur as often anymore.

My best advice is to take some time to yourself and completely immerse yourself in feeling sad for a little while. watch sad movies, involve yourself in things that you loved doing together. Don't put it on the back burner to deal with when you feel less afraid of the reality of losing your boyfriend because it will cripple you emotionally. I spent a month surrounded by loved ones and friends not working, not doing much of anything, and it made an enormous difference in how I felt about it. I soon got restless with sitting around the house thinking of everything that was gone and wanted to take the first steps towards the rest of my life.

Beth, 20 August 2008
I lost my loving Nanna a year ago, of natural causes, on 7th August 2007. Obviously, I was so heartbroken and I feel that I haven't said my proper goodbye yet, even though I went to her funeral and visit her grave often to plant flowers. I loved her so much and I wish I could see her again and hear her lovely laugh. Everyone thinks that I am okay now but really, I am not. I am still hurt deep down inside and I always think about her everyday. I even think how she was before she died and what she was thinking. Her death has made me think about my aunty a lot, my Nanna's daughter. My aunty died at the age of 12 in 1970 and I keep wondering what it would have been like if she didn't die and what she would be like as a person. I just can't stop being mentally sad and I wish I could see my Nanna and tell her that I love her so much and she meant the world to me. Nanna's girl always xox

No Name, 12 August 2008
My lovely cheeky always laughing mother died 1 year ago tomorrow 13th August 08. God how empty I feel!! I became her carer, sister, mother nurse but I was never her daughter as she had altzimers!! I wish she knew me at the end. She was in hospital with cdiff for 10 days then could not handle it anymore . she was a lovely happy person who kept telling me that she was never ill but did not know she was in a care home. I miss her so much Love you mum x

Elizabeth, July 2008
I have lost my nana it has been a year for here and i miss her so much, well she had been in and out of hostpittal and the last time she came out they said that she would be okay but a few months after that she was in bed for 6 weeks and then the time came for her to go and my mam found her she was laid right next to her and i came in the bedroom and i saw here and thats when all my hole worl came crashing done on me and i just cant stop think of what happened that night and it keeps going ovr and over in my mind, but i have loaads of Pics of her to think of her but when thimes get to hard i cry it all out of me and i think of her an i want to be with her all the time R.I.P NANA missing you all the time and loads to always in my heart and mind and you will stay there for ever xoxoxoxoxoxo

JORDAN OV WIDDY, 17 July 2008
hi,
My dad was diognosed with terminal cancer two days after my baby niece was born.
He was only given 4weeks to live. He was a great dad, my best m8. I went to work with him, we went to car racing events and i used to help him on his ice cream van!
He died wen i went away wif the cadets He passed away on 2nd June 07.
I still feel guilty now even though it has been 1yr.
14 days after this my uncle Andy died of cancer also. This was my mams brother. Although me mam and dad split up my mam still love him as a brother.( my mam's mam died of cancer to in 1999)
My uncle peter has just been given 6wks to live too wif cancer. (Asif fings cudn't get worse)! I LOVED MY DAD SO MUCH AND NOW HE IS GONE X X X X X X R.I.P HE WAS ME BEST FRIEND

kayz, 3 July 2008
i was 13 nearly 14 when my sister got diagnosed with pancreatic cancer the consaltant could not belive it and said it was soo rare and being so young at the the age of 22. they gave her an operation and it went wrong and nearly killed her my mum would take her to every opiontment and be with her all the time. then she went on to cemo and when she got really bad in june 2007 and so i took care of her in the hospice and stayed there and bathed her , helped her drink water and take her out for cigerettes in her wheelchair this went on for a weeks in july 2 days before my birthaday she past away infront of me when my famiy was geting coffee. once she had gone i washed her and dressed her with the nurses. i felt angry and upset and still do now. However now i am training to become a nurse to help people like my sister. im 18 this year do want to celbrate with out her. rest in piece michelle x

Charles, 17 May 2008
I lost a very close friend , to a drug overdose. The date was June 04 2007 .Its been
very diffuclt dealing with the pain .
My friend had a mentall illness .

Tom, 16 April 2008
My brother died about a year ago of a brain tumour but I too am struggling to remember certain memories as I was away at uni for alot of his final days. I would really like to strike up correspondance with anyone who can understand what i am going through.

No name, March 2008
My boyfriend died in a motorcycle accident 12/2007. I was away at school and we hadn't seen each other for 4 months. It happened one week before I was supposed to come back. I was so hurt and angry especially since we didn't see each other in so long. It's been a little over a year now and I still think of him everyday. I've recently tried to start dating again... but I don't think
I'm truly ready yet. No one can meet my standards anymore.

Ruthy, March 2008
My Dad died last year sunday 11th march of a heart attack. Next tues is the 1st anniversary. I miss sooooo much. It still hurts greatly. I feel torn apart. I don't know what to do with myself. I long for him soooooo much. I cry.
Dad I love you and wish you were here. Just you wait till I see you!!!
xxxxxxxxxxx

Aaron, February 2008
My nan died 26th february 2007 and it was so upsetting. It was monday and i was getting ready for school when we got a phonecall saying that we needed to get to the hospital. She died that day at 11:45. I miss her so much.

Its her deathday on tuesday this year. I still dont know how to cope with it. I will always love her.

Anna, February 2008
My Mum Died Last Year
I am 13 now but when my mum died i was only 12. When me and my sister were youger My Dad and Mum had split up becuse my mum had a Drink problem. So my Dad couldt deal with it because he had to work and look after us when we were little. But we went to vist Mum at weekends and we had loads of laffs and a few upsets but we all got threw it. When we had gone away for a few days dad was told some news that My Mum had died. When we got home he told us too . He just burst out crying because we didnt no what to do and My Sister was really close to my mum and we were very upset to know that My Mum has died and that me and my sister were never going to see her again. But all i can look back at is that we had some good times together , we shall never forget them. I still find it hard and miss mum.When i have probs i want to talk to my mum but know i can't.Will it get better ???

From: Shannon (age 12), February 2008
My dad died of lung cancer last year. i really miss him and i still cant believe it. i just feel like he'll walk in the door at any time. it always makes me feel better when i look at the candle he made with me (i have this candle making kit) and also at my piano, which was the last thing he got me, when i passed my grade 3 violin exam. he loved me playing the violin for him when he was ill so i tried to. But i always think of my gran and grandad who's daughter,(my auntie) died of cancer as well. Her daughter is my best friend ever and we cant say anything without laughing. she posted a note through my door when it happened. And to everyone who is in the same position, the note said just keep smiling. and i'll tell you what, it worked!

From: Girl, January 2008
It will be one year since my world fell apart all too soon. It feels like the anesthetic is just wearing off. The first year its shocking. Next year he will Just be gone. Oh my darling, darling Curly. I miss you so much it still hurts me. You were all of me xxx

Messages up to the end of 2007 are in the archive here