personal

1 year

Milly, 24 November 2011
1 year ago now i lost my mum due to a fault in surgery.The fault shouldnt have occured but it did. Now im heart brokeen and not only is she gone, but the person who i was when she was around has gone with her. I miss her more and more each day. And even though i know shes gone forever, i still hope she'll walk through that door with the same smile on her face the last time i saw her.

No name, 4 September 2011
my dad died last year. he was the only family we had so i never thought id loose him. i saw my dad get burried and up till now my inside is shatterd. i feel soo much pain inside me that i have no idea how to handle myself. my mother is mentally ill and doesnt speak to me much. i have nobody in this world. one day i will die with this pain.

marie, July 2011
my best friend, my mum died nearly a year ago. I still feel like im not coping with it i miss her so much. Everything reminds me of her and I just miss her soo much. ive lost count of the number of times ive picked up my phone to call her. Ive got two brothers but none of us speak anymore cos of all the hassles of selling her house so it feels like i havent just lost her but my whole family. i hate it. feel so empty without her. just want her back

Chloe, July 2011
In my life trying to get over the loss of my great aunt and my rabbit, I have suffered some times where I can't stop laughing to times where I can't stop crying. I still haven't fully recovered but I can assure you:
IT GETS BETTER!
As soon as you feel you are on your way, keep going! It will all be okay x

Jess, July 2011
19 June 2010, we went with my boyfriend for summer party. We danced, laughed together with our friends and then he was coming back with his friend and his friends' father, and i with my mom, we left five minutes later. after a few miles we saw lights and police ... one of the policemen stopped our car and he said that there was an accident, car smashed into a tree and that one person died. I saw the car and said: its Dannys car and I started praying. Then they told me that Danny is dead .... in one moment my life has collapsed. He was my everything! We were together for over 5 years and I was pregnant in 3rd month..

I couldn't sleep for months. I still cried, and I felt alone. My parents, friends everyone were helping me.

In December i gave birth to a boy. I gave him name Danny, after daddy. And only he keeps me alive.

Demi-Leigh, June 2011
I was upset and hurt, but I don't like to show my emotions, so I hold it in, it's hard for me to cry though, too many good memories and no regrets, I only cry when thinking 'this time last week/month/year we had a laugh and a joke' she was a beautiful lady, who's been battling for years, All my life! I love her, and she's tought our family lot's. R.I.P Grandma, you're with your guardian angels, you ARE my guardian angel now.. Love you Angel xxx

No name, April 2011
My nan looked after me when my parents had divorced when i was 5,to me she was my actual mum as me and my mum do not talk and are not close,she was in hospital then died and came back alive again which was a huge releif to me as it would be like losing a 3rd parent only to find out a couple of hours later she had died,from there my life turned upside down,i feel very lonenly and am diagnosed with depression because of this bereavement,but i help my self to not be suicidal as she would not be happy if i felt like harming myself so i try to stay strong for her it will be one year on the 6th may 2011 since her death last year x

Jade, April 2011
I was 14 at the time when my mum died. We had all known she was dying but we didn't realize how long we had left with her. she died unexpected on 29th October. We found her lying on her bedroom floor ice cold. when i say we, me, Dom(11) and Megan(8), my younger siblings. her pupils dialatted and her lips blue. she was dead for sometime. It was a horrible experience and we cried for hours after we had no help in what to do, i was the oldest, i loved my mum to pieces, and when she died i was lost and confused. No child should go through that. It will be 6 months Friday 29th 2011 and im 15 now and i'm havin flashbacks and its not good. I rage out and hit things like walls when i get angry but i'll be starting counseling to help that

Aoife, April 2011
Hello. my name is Aoife and one year ago I lost my Nana.

I remember the day before my Nana passed away like it happened yesterday. I woke up and went downstairs to say morning to everyone and as I walked into my Nana's room you could tell something was wrong. All my family was there holding her hands. My brother and sister went to my aunties house and i stayed beside my nana till i realized she was actually about to pass away and i became overwhelmed so went to bed and was awoken at 3am to be told she had passed away. It hit me like a truck. At first i thought my dad was telling me a sick joke, then i thought it was true and just cried and screamed and then throw up.

The emotional rolercoaster i had just started was one that would make me a stronger and better person. I remember planning my nanas funeral, i choose the music and read a poem. This did help me come to terms with the fact she had gone and let me say goodbye.

I can not remember anything from the weeks following, but i remember seeing my family getting on with things as though nothing had happened so i felt that was how i was to behave and grieve. Only its not, it was the way that my family found helped them. But it took me almost a year from suffering with mood swings, sleepless nights, lack of appetite, loneliness, numbness, isolating myself to finally say i need help i need to talk to someone and start to move on.

i still miss my nana everyday but i now see a concellor who tells me my feelings are normal and gives me activities to control my emotions especially my anger and anxiety, It is the best thing i have done and I can now see light at the end of this long road.

So, from my experience I found that keeping a diary and rating your mood everyday helps because when you are having a bad day you can look back and say well i have had a week of good days and only two bad days so i can see there will be a good day again. Also i keep a picture by my bed of my nana and everynight i talk to it and tell her about my day and it helps so much its un-believable. Exercise was another thing that got me through spending half an hour running a day just let me daydream and forget everything which definately helped me relax which let to my sleeping patterns improving.

I know its a year now but i am only just starting my grieving process. I have good days and bad days but i know i have to live my life to the full now because one day i will be re-united with my nana and on that day i need to have loads of memories to tell her.

A phrase that always helps on those bad days is "After every huricane comes a rainbow". We will all get are happy ever after sooner or later. Stay strong and Smile, we will always miss the person we have lost but the thing is we will never ever forget them and that is what we have to be gratefull for, the memories you hold in your heart. Remember you are not alone :) xoxoxoxoxxox

lauren, March 2011
i lost my mum with lung cancer when i was 12 i am 13 this year i hope it cannot get any worst

No name, February 2011
I'm 25 and my grandpa died almost exactly a year ago. I can't stop thinking that maybe they didn't try to help him as much as they could because he had quite bad dementia, and I keep hearing people sort of saying that they're glad or relieved that he died. I can't bear it when I hear people say things like that, it feels like I'm boiling inside - he was enjoying being at home with all the family, he still liked cuddles and going in the garden, although he was very disabled his quality of life was still good. It's especially upsetting because I am disabled too and I keep wondering if people in my family think that it would be better if I died as well.

Naomi, January 2011
On the 30th January last year I lost my mum to cancer. She had been ill for some time, but we only found out it was cancer 3 days before she died. It was a shock, and I still cry for her all the time. I write poems and sing songs, but all I really want is to see her smile and have a hug from her, because as anyone would know who has lost a mother, no hug is the same. If you have a hug from a friend's mum, it makes you feel worse because you are jealous of what they have. I want her back. :( xxx

Ellen, January 2011
it been a year soon and i still cry most nights x we dont talk about my nan and aunties death that much and if we do it only things like "your nannie would of said that" i miss my nan and auntie so much x i keep wondering if they are proud of me and if they are looking down on me x i want to see them one last time and tell then how much i love them and how much i miss them x xmas was so hard and i cryed for most of the day x it waa things like there names not being on the cards x i find it really hard to keep strong for my family now x i`m trying to get some help in school x but people just over look me and worrie about silly things x i still have a long way to go but i think i`m making little steeps :) x <3

Chloe, January 2011
My mum died a year ago and seeing families together makes me cry. I am happy for them but when I see little kids with their mums, I feel a longing for my mum.

No name, 2 January 2011
Since October '09, my Grandad went into hospital and it took a while to find out what was actually wrong with him, he was losing a fair amount of blood, it was upsetting me as he kept walking out, wanting to go home. In late November, it was said that he had cancer. He was very tough as when he first went to hospital in '07, he had a big heart attack along with pnewmonia and the next day he was up walking saying how to get out. I hoped it'd be another time he could fight, it was a struggle to get him out hospital as he needed carers... bla bla bla. he finally came out 22nd December and deteriorated fast, on Christmas he hardly had anything to eat and he was so weak but still joking about laughing. When it got to New Years Eve, he was so bad he couldn't talk and all he did was kept mumbling like he was in pain, but his pain was taken away on New Years Day 2010 whilst holding my mum's and my hand. It's so hard to experience that it's been 1 year already and I keep my last birthday card with me to think of you all the time. Love you Grandad :( xxx

Samii, 21 December 2010
Hi, i lost my first Grandad on the 19th December last year, i remember it so clearly, he wasn't ill and he seemed really healthy, he came and saw us a week before he died. On the 19th, i got woken up by my little sister to tell me that my grandad had collapsed. I didn't cry because i thought he'd be ok, so i went downstairs and sat with my mum who was in tears. by the time it was 11am, we still hadn't heard anything, so my step-dad phoned my uncle and thats when we were told that he'd died. From that moment, i havent been able to stop crying, we were told he died of a Aulta Anurisym, he was only 70. The next day, me, my mum and my step-dad headed down to surrey (His home place) and we went and saw him at the Chapel of Rest, but both me and Mum collapsed in tears, i wish i hadn't have gone, but it felt like i had to see him one last time. The funeral was arranged for after Christmas, but the snow was SOOO bad, we didnt think it would go ahead, but it did, but it also meant that loads of people couldn't attend including his sister. I've never cried so much. Then just as i was trying to come to terms with that, my second Grandad died on the 4th November this year, again he was healthy, he loved dancing and gardening, especially in his greenhouse. I was told he had been rushed to hospital after suffering from a heartattack, we thought he'd get better, but he ended up having 4 more and he died after the 4th one. He was 81. The funeral was another hard day, i've never experienced my dad cry either, so it made things worse. I felt so sorry for him. I was told he was going to be cremated, so i really didnt want to go, it didnt seem right. I still cry and am on the verge of tears right now. Thing is, i havent had any counselling, coz i dont no where to go. Or who to talk too and i keep being told to just get over it. But i dont no how.

claire, 18 December 2010
My grampy died just over a year ago. We were so close, I stopped with my grandparents every weekend from birth, my nan died of cancer when I was 14 but I dont remember feeling like this. We moved him up to be nearer the family after my nan died which I never wanted to do as he had short term memory loss and couldnt seem to find his way around the bungalow. I stopped with him the first few nights and it ate me up inside listening to him saying he wanted to go home. 6 months after moving up here he fell, he lay there all night until the carer turned up in the morning, I feel guilty for not ringing him that night like I normally did; then I would have known there was something up. I had the phone call when I was at work and couldnot get to the hospital to be with him. my cousin had to sit with him in the ambulance and it tore her apart. she has been my lifeline since he died, She came to the hospital with me, showed me how to get him to drink, he was so weak. she was at the end of the phone but I know she is really cut up and I feel a year on that I should be able to deal with it myself without ringing anyone. I dont know who else to talk to as I was only his grandaughter and his two daughters seem to be coping fine. It was my cousin who gave him permission to die, he was hanging on for us. I was on my way to the hospital when they rang to say he had gone, it was the only space in a whole week that a family member was not with him. I thought he would pull through. I have thought of nothing else for a year, I felt guilty to start with for not being upset, then I thought I was over it but im clearly not. Since his death I have got a job in a care home which helps but this will be the second christmas without him, and my 21st is just round the corner, he is missing so many important milestones. I miss him so much. I dont know what to do now as whenever I have the opportunity to talk to somebody I dont feel upset. Then it suddenly hits me.

Chloe, November 2010
My mum died almost a year ago and I miss her lots. She was a very brave and special woman and I miss my mummy lots. :(

Sophie, September 2010
My Gramp died of Cancer last year! :/

Katie, September 2010
last year my dad died. it was a lovely summers day and i couldnt wait to go see him at his barbeque as i hadnt seen him for about a week becoz him and my mum had been split up for 12 years. i was down the beach waiting on a fone call from him to say he was nearly here to pick me up wen my mum came running along the beach telling me to get up off the sand. when i jumped up on to the peir my mum sat down and told me to sit , i was so confused. she then told me that that morning my dad had died suddenly from a heart attack. i couldnt believe it and burst into tears. i think its only now , a year on , that its starting to actually ssink in that i will never see him again well at least not until i die. im struggling just now having strops and being really angry. the worst of it is that im taking my anger out o those closest to me like my mum who ive always got on with really well. i just dnt know how to cope with it now and would like to know how to et rid of the anger inside me if anyone can help.
love and miss you so much daddy. i will see you someday and until then i will do everything to make you proud of me. your wee bara xxxxx

Claire, August 2010
Well there are no words into what i have experienced. Within the past year i had lost my first nephew (he was taken into care) .. i or my family are not alowed to see him because my brother and his ex we're not good parents. I tried to help, we all did!. And to make matters worse my eldest sister was told as a child she could not have children... she deserved children the most!!. She fell pregnant with my next nephew Malachy... we had planned everything for him. I was going to be his god mother. I spoke to him through my sisters belly as he kicked my cheek! we had a bond. Malachy was our only hope to bring our family back together... 1 day before he should have been born. My sisters waters broke, the hospital left her un-attended for 4 hours. In that short time... i had lost my baby nephew Malachy. Loosing not 1 but 2. Has broken me in 2. I can't even look at children anymore and i hate the world for doing this to me!!!!! .

Katie, July 2010
2009 was probably the worst year of my life so far. This is because I lost 3 of my family members. The first on March 31 I found out my brother died in a car accedent. Which was a lie, my mum thought I couldn't handle the truth which was he killed himself. Then my Grandad formed cancer. The second death was my Auntie's in late August, though I wasn't close to her she still wasn't gonna be there she did live a good life though well into her 80's. Then finally my major downfall was my Grandad's death on October 26. This hurt me more because I used to live with him and because he took early retirement whilst my mum and nan still worked he helped raise me for about 6 years and he was so proud of me when I started high school. I never even began to think that he'd ever leave me but even if I did I never expected it to be so soon. By the way did I forget to mention I'm 12 now but was 11 at the time of all 3 deaths. It's been over a year since my brother's death and I still cry, nearly every night. I love you bro.I love you Auntie R. I love you Grandad AKA 'Little Grandad'. xxxxxxxxxxx

Katie, July 2010
My daddy died from cancer about a year ago its been so hard for me its been a year but it feels like it was just yesterday he went i will love you forever and always xxxxxx

vicky, June 2010
my mum died almost a year ago and i miss her so much. i thought it would get better with time but in someways it has got harder. i would do anything just to see her again.
love you so much mummy xxxxxxx

Holly, June 2010
It's been a year now since my Mum died of cancer. I am finding it easier to live normally again, though I miss her even more than I thought possible. She is a huge inspiration to me, and has always been my role model. Now I'm trying to live my life with the some of the compassion and love that she brought into the world.
She was the most beautiful person I've ever known.
x

No name, June 2010
My friend and mentor, who was healthy and always full of life, died tragically from a brain tumour which struck unexpectedly and very quickly. More recently, my gran, whom I spent a lot of time with over the years, died after a long and gruelling fight with cancer. It's been... A rough year.

Kirsty, 27 April 2010
My Grandad
Tomorrow it'll be a year ago since my Grandad died of bowel cancer and I still cry every so often...more so this week x

Nicola, April 2010
I am 17 and miscarried my baby at five weeks, when I was 16.
It happened on March 22nd 2009 - Mothers Day. It really affected me for the first few weeks and then it had a severe impact on my mental health, which really deteriorated throughout the end of last year. I see many different professionals but have never been able to talk to anyone about this, partly as I thought it wasn't relevant.
The year anniversary was so difficult and now the 22nd of every month is torture as I think about how old the baby would have been, as the baby was due on 22nd November 2009. Every time I go out I see parents with their children, babies in pushchairs and it absolutely destroys me. There is not even a handful of people who do know what happened and I never really discuss it with them either. I have now decided that I will seek professional support to deal with the grief that I feel and am just hoping that I can move on and learn how to manage the way I feel.

Katie, March 2010
my daddy died from cancer about a year ago :(

lauren, March 2010
i lost my nan a year ago i feel like a lost a big part of me the only one i could talk to but i know she is my nan but it is talk to her than my mom.

No name, February 2010
My dad died February 23rd 2009 of brain cancer and it tor me up.

Messages up to the end of 2009 are in the archive here