personal

2 - 6 months

Carys, 16, December 2009
My Grandad had a stroke about three months ago. He was in hospital for a month but we knew he was going to die about a week before he did. The hospital got our hopes up loads, saying he was likely to recover but then he got worse and they said it was a serious stroke. And he took his food tube out and they didn't put it back in. He died just over two months ago and I still really miss him. I have certain days where i just randomly feel really low. He lived with us and i saw him everyday. I felt closer to him than my dad who worked away in the week and he was the main person who i could talk to and he would make me feel really positive about life. He was so wise and happy with a great sense of humour and i've never looked up to anyone more than him. Now, even though it was 2 months ago i still have the bad images of him in hospital in my mind, small things remind me of him and as well as a big gap in my day when i used to talk to him, there's also a big gap in my heart. The empty feeling still hasn't gone and i don't think it ever will. Maybe cobwebs will cover the hole but it will still be there and cobwebs are brushed away very easily.

Naomi, 8 December 2009
It was 5 months ago in june my nanna passed away, i should know the date because it was the day i passed me driving test. But i dont. She had a stroke in november 08 and slowly got more and more ill until her death! I saw her the day before but never said bye because i thought i would be going the next day!
I miss her so much.

no name, 8 December 2009
my brother aged 21 died on the 7th July 2009 he drowned at Godrevy lighthouse in Gwithan.
i had to stay strong for my mum as she has mental health. Its not been easy as i have bottled everything up but now i find myself in tears as time goes by
there are two poems that i found i would like to share:

The sadness of the present days
is locked and set in time,
and moving to the future
is a slow and painful climb.

But all the feelings that are now
so vivid and so real
can't hold their fresh intensity
as time begins to heal.

No wound so deep will ever go
entirely away
yet every hurt becomes
a little less from day to day.

Nothing can erase the painful
imprints on your mind
but there are softer memories
that time will let you find.

Though your heart won't let the sadness
simply slide away
the echoes will diminish
even though the memories stay

and this one:

To the living, I am gone
To the sorrowful, I will never return
To the angry, I was cheated
But to the happy, I am at peace
And to the faithful, I have never left
I cannot speak, but I can listen
BR>I cannot be seen, but I can be heard
So as you stand upon the shore
Gazing at the beautiful sea, remember me
As you look in awe at a mighty forest
And in its grand majesty, remember me
Remember me in your hearts,
In your thoughts, and the memories of the
Times we loved, the times we cried,
the battle we fought and the times we laughed
For if you always think of me,
I will never have gone.

eve - age 13, December 2009
my grandad died about 4 months ago and i was heart broken it was hard to cope when my grandma dies but then when my grandad died aswell i was so upset just knowing that he will never come makes me feel really sad every time i think abouot it.

Holly, November 2009
My Mum died 5 months ago when I was 19. She was an angel. I'm going to spend the rest of my life making her proud.

Georgie, 24 November 2009
On September 11th 2009, I lost my Daddy. He died suddenly and his death was completely unexpected. He'd recently had Swine Flu, but soon recovered. On the day of Dad's death, he visited his Dr, complaining of chest pains. Unfortunately, the Dr said it was nothing, he'd be fine and sent him home. Later that evening, Daddy died of a heart attack. The whole family was heart broken. My brother turned 17 4 days after my dad died, and I'm turning 15 on December 10th. No one is quite sure how to celebrate birthdays and Christmas without Dad?
For 3 weeks after my Dad's death, I didn't shed one tear. I kept all my emotions in. On the day of the funeral, I poured my heart out. I read poems at the funeral, and placed a picture and a letter I'd written to my Dad, on top of his coffin. I watched the coffin being lowered into the ground, and I threw the dirt on it, and a rose. I let go of a balloon, with a message attatched - I know my Daddy got my message, cos he made it come true. He proved that he's still here with me. He helps me through things when I'm feeling down, looking at his pictures and seeing him smiling back at me - I know I haven't lost my Daddy for good.
It's still a shock, knowing I'll never hear his voice again, or see his face, hold his hand, make him laugh...
I miss my Dad, and I'll do anything to make him proud of me.
I love you so much Dad.. I miss you terribly.
It's unfair that you were taken from me, but maybe that's just how it was meant to be.
Thank you for everything. You were an amazing person. I was lucky to have you in my life x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

No name, November 2009
Well my dad died on the 4th of september he went suscide in our old house he had a lot of money problems people were after him saying they are gonna break hie legs if he didnt give them money and he lent it and didnt give it back !! me and my dad din get on that well he tried to kill my mum so i never really forgave him i miss him so much :(

Kirsty (age:21), November 2009
My heartache began on the 19th of august 2009. My gran passed. She was the most remarkable person i have ever met. I remember in my younger days we went to her house every sunday religiously! for dinner. i stayed over at hers twice a week. She was so strong and independant. 6 years ago she took a stroke on christmas day, things deteriated from then. I up'd my visits to 5 times a week to make sure she had company all the time. She moved house, which made things worse. She wondered out the house one morning got lost and fell in the street, from then on she wasnt allowed back to live independantly. She passed in a care home. I cried and cried till i couldnt no more, the pain became a numbness throughout my body. I couldnt feel anything. I felt like i have no soul, no mind, no heart. I have never been the same since, I've changed. I feel like im more heartless, empty more like. To this date i have dreams about her, i still cry for my loss. I miss her. I miss that i could talk to her about things i couldnt speak to my own mother about. I miss her good heart, her good sense of humour. I miss how she always looked on the brighter side of life. I love her, and forever miss her. I am 21, it just shows that even adult struggle to cope with death. I have never felt the need to kill myself at all. She would wnat this to be a learning curve for me, as she always told me, 'What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger'. I believe in time this will, but for now im still tender on the subject. R.I.P Gran, forever love you XxX

Lizzie, 18 October 2009
I'm 16 and I lost my mom just over 3 months ago to cancer. It has been so hard, I can't even describe it. Life seems so pointless without her and yet it continues in the strangest way. It always makes me happy to see websites like this, it makes me feel much less alone. Sometimes it feels like every one is rubbing the fact that their mom is alive in my face, when really, they don't mean to. It makes me so angry when people claim to "hate" their mom and wish badly on them, because I would give absolutely anything to have my mom back with me. She was my best friend in the entire world and not a minute goes by when I don't think about her.

Jess, 6 October 2009
its been three months one week and two days since i lost my dad.i miss him every singel day. he left behind me my mum my two younger sisters and a huge family. he was the glue that held us all together the peace maker the one you could go to if anything was up he'd help you he'd sort it out... he just couldnt share his problems with us. i found him when we'd come back from sleeping over at my aunts i rushed around the house trying to find him... the last place i looked was the bath room, my little sister was behind me i dont know if she saw him but i did.
everytime i close my eyes i see him lifeless and cold. i couldnt do anything to save him i had to run away i feel like i let him down. my friends have been amazing about it but they wont let me talk about him. i think im getting an eatting disorder its just better to feel somthing other than sadness so i skip break fast and lunch. i cant talk to anyone about it and the only reason i havent killed myself is because of my mum. i didnt even give him a hug when i last saw him. i miss him.

no name, September 2009
my nan died 6 months ago, each day goes by i find it so hard, i dont no who to turn to, i just need someone that can help me who can talk to me about things, whos been threw the same as me, its just so hard to take it she isnt coming back, she was like my bestfriend. i miss her so much. R.I.P nan xx

Nur, September 2009
My best friend,Alejandro died in car crush at Mexico.He went back to see his family and friends after stayed in here as exchange student.
It has been almost 3 months now.I came to school to start my day.My first and second day was tearful coz I did not walk and stick with him anymore,like before.His memories made me feel alone.I ain`t got bestfriend who I can stick easily and trust.
I did not get the chance to see go to his funeral coz it`s too far.But, I got another which is,to get to know his family and friend.
Thanks to God,coz Alejandro told his mom and family about me.
I just really want to go to his grieve and see his family and friends in Mexico.
I just keep telling myself,I got to be strong for whatever matter he won`t come back anymore but he wil stay inside my heart as my first bestfriend.

No name, August 2009
When I was young i used to live with my mum but when i was 10 my little sister died and after that my mum became an alcoholic so it was very hard to stay with her, because she would try to commit suicide infront of me and she was very violent towards me so i moved in with my dad. from then i didnt speak to my mum for about 2 years but when i eventually did i took things slow.
1st i would meet her in town and go shopping
2nd i would go up to her house for a few hours
3rd i would stay for a night
4th i would stay at w.es and school holidays
But every time i would think my mum is off the drink she would just let me down again and again
so i eventually gave up and said i didnt want to speak to her untill i knew she was off the drink completely.
so just b4 christmas i keppt getting calls to say that she wasnt well n she collapsed etc so it was really hard.
1 day she was on the fone drunk and we were arguing n i told her i didnt want to speak to her and hung up the phone. but now i regret that because in May my mum died and now i just cant cope at all. RIP Mum I LOVE YOU xxxx

maria, August 2009
my dad passed in june, just a few months ago
it seems harder as months go by. It was a real shock when the news came. I've been through punching, hitting, kicking, shouting, crying. But it's normal. I'm having trouble sleeping and I'm stressed. I'm not really sure what to do at the moment but I've made a memorial online for him. I look at photos a lot. Theres a lot more to come. i feel like no one's helping much at the moment and like im stuck and mum keeps talking about getting a job. im not ready

No name, August 2009
Me Cousin Hung Him Self In April Ive Been Finding It Realy Hard 2 Belive He Is Never Comeing Back..Then The Night Be For The Funeral We Found Out Me Nan Died In Recovery(may).It Was Hard In The Funeral Because He Had This One Song Piayed Witch I Cant Stop Listening To..My Nans Funeral Was In The House,Cenetery And Then Back To The Rugby Club.3 Days After This Was My 14th Birthday.It Was So Hard 2 Smile That Day We Went Down Me Aunties So We All Could Be Together But It Was'nt The Same With Out Them:(...Know I Have People Saying Stuff About Me Cousin On How He Died Bu Thy Told Me Shh Lil Girl You Do Know Nothing...Allmost 3 Months And I Still Cant Belive Its Happend To Me.

No name, June 2009
i lost my best friend 6 months ago. Beanie was killed in a car crash. i thought i could cope with the grief and stress but other stress was building up. i thought i could just hide my sadness. but thats what i regret. because now my emotions are uncontrollable and i feel nothing. my head is just a virus at the moment and isnt helping. i talked about it. and writing this is letting go of all that anger and fustration.

shelbz, June 2009
ever since loosing my dad i dont no what changed it was like it wasnt real like i could just pick up the phone and still talked to him and after 3 months of him dying i thought i saw him up town but mabye it was just because i missed him i dont no but all i know is i really miss him

Chantal, June 2009
hi I lost my dad 3 months ago. My dad had been ill for a number of years with kidney problems but i still dont know what he died of. The last time i saw my dad was in september 2007 when he had his kidney transplant after that i didnt hear or see him again, On the 3rd March 2008 i got the call saying he had been found dead even now 3 months later the pain is still fresh i even went to his grave recently and i couldnt even talk i always bad mouthed dad when he was alive now i regret everything i ever said bad about him i miss him so much

No name, June 2009
My daddy died 2 months ago to a massive heart attack. We always thought my mom would go first because shes been sick for years. It just a shock to everyone when he died. I feel like it was yesterday. I was the one that called 911. I'm the one that turned his head to the side, that shook him, that helped him get up off the floor, and that rode with him in the ambulance,and the one they told he stopped breathing. I miss him so much. I just wish I could have told him I loved him one more time, hug him, kiss him...something. He seemed fine leaving from the house. I WISH I WOULD HAVE KNOWN!

vicky, June 2009
my dad died on his 47th birthday in december 2008. I was due to drop his cards round but i went home and i recieved a call from my sister saying he had callapsed. i raced over and saw an ambulance outside, i opened the door and saw them doing CPR on him, i was shocked but i didnt believe he would die. I miss him so much, he did everything for me.....im so alone. I hate this world for taking him from me, he was a good man who worked hard. i still believe he will walk through my door sometimes.

Namine, May 2009
My experiance was start of that of 2009
My dad was drug addict, he beat my mum up till she was black and blue....and now there is nothing can do for her, she just sits there in her room, crying, sobbing her heart out, me dad says that if i tell anyone he will never forgive me. i regret that now..because she is no longer with me, she died, i cant live myself, knowing that i could of done something.
please someone, help me, tell me something that can help me, i've had counclers, and that they dont help me. PLease...please
Naminexxxx

From RD4U:
I am very sorry to hear that your mum died. This is a very significant beraevement and it takes time to cope. I hope we can help. It is good that you have posted this message and then other young people will reply. We also have a Freephone Helpline on 08088081677 which is open from 930am to 5pm. There is also Childline on 0800 1111 who also have a very good helpline. It could be so helpful to have some support from us and Childline.

We also have bereavement support workers in our branches and details of our branches are on our website www.cruse.org.uk I am sorry to hear that the counsellors haven't helped. I hope these ideas will help.

Kelly, May 2009
My boyfriend had committed suicide in February 2009. He had two beautiful children that he loved very much. We were together for for almost two years. he was the love of my life. Even when we were together i would constantly think, "How is anyone going to ever understand me better than this man." I constantly compare him to ever man i run across, and afraid that i will forever. He was the love of my life, and i know i was his. Three months later, i have tried to see the good in everyone and except faults for what they are. every now and then i have a melt down, but with everyday it does get better. i know that he will always and forever be with me, and i know i will see him soon.

Ellie, April 2009
My dad died on the 29th January 2009 and its all been really wierd since, his death wasnt a shock because he had had cancer for 7 years before but i have still found it very difficult to cope. My moods are always very up and down and i get irritated and cry a lot. I have distanced myself from my friends and my boyfriend cant really deal with the person i am now so he doesnt want to be with me. What can i do? I feel relly alone and am very scared as i am about to sit my gcse's in a month and dont want to fail because im feeling so depressed.

Emily, April 2009
My daddy died half a year ago.
It's a bit funny, feels like yesterday. He had cancer, and I held his hand when he died. Everyone thinks I'm the stong one, but sometimes I get so upset it's scary. I miss him, but I know that if death lasts forever then a year compared to that is like a second and all though I have years with out him it's like seconds to him, so I'll see you in seconds daddy. (:

EMMA, April 2009
MY MUM DIED ON THE 4TH FEBUARY 2009, IT WAS SUDDEN SHE HAD A FALL ON 26TH JANUARY AND HAD HEART TROUBLE AFTER SURGERY, SHE WAS ON A BREATHING MACHINE FOR A WEEK WHEN THEY ASKED ME TO DECIDE WEATHER TO TURN IT OFF, I WATCHED MY MUM SUFFER FOR 5 DAYS BEFORE SHE TOOK HER LAST BREATH, I AM AN ONLY CHILD I HAVE NO BROTHERS OR SISTERS, I FEEL SO ALONE AT TIMES I AM BLESSED TO HAVE A 9YR OLD SON WHO MAKES ME KEEP GOING, OTHERWISE I DONT THINK I WOULD WANT TO GET OUT OF BED SOMETIMES, ONCE YOUR PARENTS ARE GONE YOU HAVE TO GROW UP YOUR THE PARENT NOW YOU CANT BE THE KID ANYMORE, IF ANYONE WANTS TO CHAT WITH ME ABOUT THERE EXPERIENCES ....

Imi, April 09
Charlotte died suddenly of her disability . The day after last half term . RIP mate . Charlotte was a very special friend, died age 15 years .

Livstar, April
It's been...about 5 months since Aunty died.She was so close to me.When I found out,I was at school in the school office.I cried in the uniform room for an hour.I'm only ten.It was really sad.I feel angry,sadness and sometimes numbness.

Amie, March 2009
My dad dies in November 2008 to heart disease he didnt know he had. I hadnt talked to or seen my dad for nearly 6 months before he died we argued alot. I never got the chance to appologise and to tell him i love him so much. Even though i didnt get to see him everyday and i didnt live with him he was still my dad and a amazing one. I think of him and cry for him everyday. I just want him to know i love him so so much and im sorry.xxx

kay, March 2009
my dad passed away on 6th november 2008 from cancer. im really struggling to cope with it, my mum does'nt realise im so down. he was a perfectly healthy man until they operated on him, then he just gave up, he was my role model, and a total diamond, he was my hero. i sometimes feel life cant go on without him but then i have my best friend who helps me through, she is brave too, she lost her 12 year old son in january to a heart attack. anyway, back to my dad, he was so fit, he put me to shame! and i broke my heart watching him lose his sense with the drugs he was given, it was'nt my dad. i was there when he took his last breath, and thats all i can picture now. i try to remember him in the good times but its so hard.

ryan, March 2009
my granmar passed away on halloween last year I still miss her and I can only remember the last woreds she sed to me was ryan I love you and then she passed away.
I LOVE YOU GRANMAR LOVE RYAN XXXXX

Jess, March 2009
I feel so angry. I lost my mum on boxing day just gone. She had the Flu for 2 weeks then on Christmas Eve she felt better. Christmas day she was back to her usual self a loving person who would do anything for anyone. She cooked the Christmas Dinner but had to go to bed early because she was feeling bad again. We called my auntie because she is a nurse, and she said it could just be a relapse. But Boxing day morning she had to go to the sted coz she was feeling worse then they sent her home then within two hours she was laid on her bed rolling all over and her eyes were rolling and she was making a moaning sound then she got took into hospital, and she died of Mengicocal Meningitis. It is so horrible i feel so alone now i am the only girl, I will never get over this I love her so so so much will never forget you ever xxxx

Amy, March 2009
I lost my dad a in november. He had a very bad ilness. He was in hospital for 2 months. It hasnt sunk in that he has gone its lyk hes away on holiday nd will be back soon. It is a heart breaking thing bt i just have to think wot my dad would of wanted. R.I.P daddy! X x x x x

pragmatic, March 09
I lost my dad on 08oct. He was suffering from gum cancer. It was strange coz he was not into tobbaco/alcohal. He just got his tooth pulled out which caused some infection leading to cancer..He could pull off only for 3 months later.His end days were extrmly painful ..I still cry when i recall those moments...Its a complete shock for us and coping up with reality is tough. My father was in so much pain that I cant describe. God was so unfair towards him :(

No name, March 2009
My Friend died of Cancer in september 2008 tht's 160 days ago today (2/3/09) and i'm struggling to deal with it. She was only 12 and it's scary to think anyone could die tht young.

Hayley. February 2009
My mum died 3 months back now she was the best mum ever i was so proud to call her my mum but sadly she lost the fight against alcoholism and not one day i go without thinking about her not one day i dont miss her i really regret not being there as much as i could for her when she needed me the most i just coudlnt handle the fact that she was an alcohlic it just broke me down, every day was a misery watching her sink further and further and not being able to help i just wish she didnt take the wrong route then she might still be here today.

Louise, 10 February 2009
My best friend died in November 2008. She was the closest and most special person I have ever met. When we met we had an immediate connection, and were inseperable until she away about 500 miles to be with her boyfriend.

We saw each other as often as possible, and in September she wanted to visit. So i went to pick her up and bring her back, we had the best few days together and I loved her company. I really missed her when she went back.

She text me a few days before she died to say she was missing me too and that she was thinking about coming back. That we should catch up really soon, and that she loved me loads.

Then the day she died I had a really awful day, I had a nagging feeling that there was something wrong, but I didnt know what. At 8.10pm my phone rang, my boyfriend picked it up and said her name. I knew immediately that she was gone, dont know why i knew I just did.

I still dont know why she died, and I'm still in constant contact with her parents. I could ask them, but I dont want to cause them any pain. I just cant get over it, and I miss her more than ever. I LOVE YOU BABE x x x x x

No name, 8 February 2009
My friend died 6 months ago. He was in a hit and run car accident. We had a very special bond with each other - we were gig buddies and always said if we didn't marry by 30 we'd get married. I can't stop thinking about him, all my memories make me smile and cry. Everyone else seems to be handling it alot better than me. I feel so alone.

Mal, 2 February
My cuz died Nov 7th 2008 i really miss her alot! She was killed in a car accident and im really mad at the person driving!!!!

Mallory, 2 February 2009
I lost my cousin jessie 4 months ago to a car wreck and i really miss her alot.She was only 18. Some times i feel lonely and like nobody listens to me about any thing anymore i feel like im on an iland all alone and everybody is helping eachother but not me. IU dont know what to do about it/

tilly, 23 January 2009
Ilost my lovely dad,in oct 08 iam numb inside ,lonley.as i was my dads carer, knowing you cant pop in for a cuppa with him i feel i could just shut my self away ..i feel i dont wont my partner round me finding faults ,,shouting at him... its like beam me up scottie now ....

From RD4U: I am sorry to hear that you lost your lovely dad. It's good that you have posted this message and other young people will reply. Also think about phoning our Freephone Helpline on 08088081677 which is open from 930am to 5pm Monday to Friday. We also have branches of bereavement support workers and details of our branches are on our website www.cruse.org.uk Hope this is helpful. Best wishes

issy, January 2009
my best friend alex died early august 2008.
his parents didnt know me, so they didnt know how to contact me until his brother got my number from alex's phone. because we live an hour and a half away from each other, it was really hard for me to get to alex's family, because im still only 16 and i cant drive yet.
alex was only 18 when he died, they had to do an autopsy to find out the causes, and apparently his internal organs just suddenly shut down.
when he died my heart broke into a million little pieces, and i dont know if it will ever repair itself.
i just wish i could tell him how much i love him, and that he was the best best best friends i could have ever asked for.
i know ill love him forever, he changed my life.

Kerrie, January 2009
My dad died 4 months ago and it still hurts so much, I cry everyday, sometimes I can think about it and be ok but most of the time its like being hit in the stomach over and over. We left him thinking he was ok but he died on his own without anyone there, how can I live life normally when all my thoughts are of him...

Hannah, January 2009
In july this year my dad died and it was the worst thing i have ever had to go through! I miss him so much and now i really dont no what ot with my life :(. i have been bulled at school about my dad with people saying that my teenage mood killed him, and some times i think so my self why did he have to go why not me he did not deserve this one bit. we still dont no how he died but to be honist i dont want to no. my dad was everything to me and i really feel lost with out him, people say that i need so talk to someone to help me but i dont no what to do. is there anyone that can help me.

From RD4U:
I am sorry to hear that your dad died in July. I hope that Cruse can help. We have a Freephone Helpline on 08088081677 which is open from 930am to 5pm Monday to Friday. Also we have branches of bereavement support workers and details of our branches are on our website www.cruse.org.uk

There is also the Childline Helpline on 0800 1111 which is open 24 hours a day.

Hope these ideas are helpful. If we can help further please let us know. Best wishes

No name, January 2009
my boyfriend died three months ago. he was sent to afgainistan and was hit by an IED and he got a hernia. he went in for surgery to get it removed and were he had his surgery it got infected and attacked the organs in his body. then it started to eat away at his intestins.
i found this out a week after he died. for two weeks i couldnt eat or leave my room. my step dad had to litteraly carry me to the bus stop so i would go to school.
and after a while my friends wouldnt talk to me cuz whatever they said would upset me. i spent most of my time alone. and after a while i got really mean to people and just stoped talking all together. i didnt say anything for two and a half months. finally i had a break down at school and they couldnt get me to leave the restroom. i just said " i want him back"
and all my sister would tell me was "get over it".
i loved him so much. and she had never loved anyone the way i loved him so she had no idea what i was going threw.
he was my world. i would have traided my life for him so he could've lived.
and most of my family was glad that he had died cuz their was eleven years between us. and we told them its not about age its about love.

J, January 2009
My best friend was killed in a motorcycle crash. I was in my classical mechanics class when I got the call. I remember riding my bike back to my truck in the cold rain -I'd never ridden so fast in my life. I drove all the way home and walked in the door before it finally sank in that I was never going to see him again. It's been four months and I still dream about him almost every night. He served in Iraq for over a year and made it home safely, only to be killed by some jerk that couldn't wait for the turn arrow. It still makes me sick thinking about it...

Jennifer, January 2009
I Lost My Nan On The 25th July 2008. After 7 Long Months Of Suffering From Cancer. My Nan Passed Away. It Was The Worst Day Of My Life To Speak. I Still Cant Beleive That She Has Gone. Seeing Her Pictures, Things People Wrote About Her In The Paper. Breaks My Heart To Know I Arent Going To See Her Again. I Cant Stop Crying And Pictring The Day Of Her Funeral Everytime I Think Of Her. I Love My Nan And Miss Her, Now, Forever And Always And I Shall Never Forget About Her. I Miss Her More Than Yesterday But Not As Much As Tomorrow. All My Love Nan. Heartbroken Granddaugter Jennifer

Bab, January 2009
Well its not my experience so much, I was looking to understand the grief thing. My boyfriend of 3 months lost his ex girlfriend in a road accident a few weeks before him and me met and he never mentioned it to me or anything, never seemed bothered but he got posted away and its the court case this week so its dragged it all up for him while he's away thinking on his own. I just want to understand what he is going through as he said he couldnt be with me anymore til he has let her go properly, this isnt something someone should go through on their own and I just want to be there for him through it as much as I can be.

Tamsin, 30 December 2008
Hi Guys,
I lost my older brother Calvin on july 6th this year(2008). Ive also got a 2 year old sister who will not be able to remember him. Im really upset and dont know what to do. If he were here we'd be having a laugh. The embalmers from the funeral home made a website for him and so far it's had 596 people on it and thats just the homepage we also made him a memorial on gonetoosoon.org . I just miss him so much and in his sats he got 5 5 4 and would of gotten a tortoise. But unfortunately he didn't get to know what he got. Instead of buying a tortoise to look after (as we would have no clue) We adopted one at the South Lake Animal Park in Dalton and called it Calvin.
Has anyone got any advice on what to do.
Tamsin :-(

Jay, 14 December 2008
hey my grandad died 2 monthes ago 16/10/08, but he lived 60 miles away from me so i could not see him my mum and dad was there but i was at home with my sister.I feel that i never really got to say goodbye to him and i react different at different times.At school i am happy and at home i am miserable.My grandad could not see so i do not really think he remembers me.There is a robin that comes to my garden everyday without fail.My grandad had acute luekemia and he just gave up i cry all the time but its cause i was close to him.My auntie lives near him and when i go its loads of memories.I feel this is has help me thank you .

Leanne, 14 December 2008
my best friend died suddenly over the summer holidays, the last time i saw him was last day of term, sitting in assembly at the front because he had broken his leg and arm playing football, and he gave me a massive hug and said see you results day when we all get A's. i laughed and said its a date. i never got to see him after that and he hurts because i just can't get to see him. first day of term in september was the hardest because i was waiting for him to go to his locker and he never turned up, i knew he wouldn't but i just wished he would.
we have had so many memorials for him but nothing could end it and i still can't say goodbye and move on, i feel i keep going back and over and over it.
my birthday was in june and he ordered my present but it didn't arrive till the summer and he would of given it to me first day back, but his mum had to give it to me because she works at the school, i ust wanted him back not my present, it was so lovely because it was a martini glass which was part of my nickname. and he new now much it would mean to me. his note in the card was worse saying hope you have fun driving knowing me you'll pass before me. and it just was a little creepy but i could just feel him right then, and i still feel him around and sometimes i can see him at night and it helps because i feel now i have an angel looking out and over me and hopefully protect me from everything.

love you always never out of my mind.
i would do anything to have you have. we never got to plan my 18th going clubbin in London, last one 2 turn 18 member gonna be the biggest and best 18th ever. im still going ahead with you as insperation.

xxxxxxxxxx my angel xxxxxxxxxx

No name, 14 December 2008
Just over two months ago my botfriend passed away, except boyfriend doesn't do him justice, he was my hero. We had just got to a wonderful stage in our relationship where we both knew we had something very special. His death was such a shock. I dont really remember the phone call, just screaming for Leo.

Two months later I felt like I was dealing with it all quite well, then suddenly I fell to pieces, now Im in a very dark place and unsure of how to rebuild myself because every time I inch my way back to feeling normal I fall apart again. It takes so much energy to be the old me for my friends and family, but Im scared to be the new me because no one will like her.

I feel like I am being punished for being too happy, Leo was punished for being too good and his family are being punished for being too lovely.

I also feel selfish for greiving and moping around when I have so much to be grateful for.

Kelly, 6 December 2008
My friend died about 2 mounths ago. She commited suicde. I miss her so much. she was like a big sister to me. I wish i could be with her again. Paige, I miss you so much darlin and i want to be with you. Rest In peace my baby girl! xx

No name, 4 December 2008
it has been about 2 months since my grandmar died. she had cancer we all new she was gone die but it dint make it eseyer when she did im starting to fell better some nights i cry my self to sleep. the bad thing is when she died she had so many drugs she dint no who i was. i will always love you grandmar r.i.p xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Becky, December 2008
My friend killed herelf two months and one day ago today i still really miss her and feel angry at her for being so selfish. Every day I think of something she is missing or something we should be doing together. She was one in a million and i miss her more than words can say. I bottled up how i felt for weeks after her death but now am too tired to pretend that i am ok. I wish i could talk to her like we used to, I still talk to her in my head and write her letters. People around me think I am going backwards in how I feel because i seemed to recover after the news so quickly. I just want to cry and cry but feel embaressed if people see me upset. I also feel angry at the people who failed to help her
Miss you bertie xxx
lol meg
xoxox

Amy-cate, November 2008
I lost my mum in july 08.This is the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. I miss her more and more everyday, my mum was amazing, she fought for years, she was ill ever since I was a little kid, I lost her when I was 18, she died from a lung condition called c.o.p.d,and it was a very long and painfull death for her. She was such a fighter, it was unreal. she was told that she would get a lung transplant as this was the only thing that could save her, but she got taken off the list and she had to go to a care home. I'm so angry, why do people get taken away from us? I love her more than anything, she was my life and world.all I want is a cuddle from her,my heart aches everyday. Mum, I miss you so much, wish I was with you. Sweet dreamz mum, love you lots like jelly tots xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

No name, 29 November 2008
my dad died just over five months ago but i still cant accept that i'm not going to see him again - the more time goes by the more i miss him and everything is just getting harder, i only have my mum now nd she's at work alot so i find it difficult to make other people understand how i feel - i'm just dreading the christmas period at the moment

No name, 29 November 2008
my dad died on the [10.09.08].the police found him as i hadnt spoken to him in a week i got worried and my guidance teacher phoned the police for me and at 4.00pm that day when i returned home from school,a police sg was there and he told me.i dont feel sad nor do i feel angry i feel normal,,it may be hard to understand but i cant imagine my dad dead.it was an enlarged heart that caused his death;;due to alcholism.he's been in and out of hospital all this year but never learnt his lesson,,im writing this for other peoples benifit,im sick of listening for once i want to understand and help others just getting on with life seems to help me one day soon i hope to believe that hes dead but for now i cant

No name, 16 November 2008
my mum died 6 months ago. she died because she took some tablets for her health and had an allergic reaction which is an extremely rare thing to happen. it makes me angry that this was the only reason that she died.

No name, November 2008
My dad died 5 months ago. it has made a bit gap in my life and i feel like something is missing. I still reallycarnt beleive he has gone.

kay, October 2008
it was about nine(9) weeks ago and im still not over it.

No name, October 2008
Hi , my papa died on the 18th of July while he was on holiday with my nana. He had a massive heart attack , and the sad thing is he had just arrived on holiday and hadny even been there for 12 hours. I still find it very hard even though it has been 13 weeks now. I had to go over to Lanzarote with my dad to help my nana deal with everything and get my papa home but i had to leave my mum and two sisters at home. I recently went back over to lanzarote and i felt much better being over there. Some days i just dont want to get out of my bed. Im dreading my birthday coming because i know that he should be there with all my family to help me celebrate . Love you lots and lots papa xxxxxxxxxx

delphine, October 2008
hi,
i recently posted an experience of my grandads death and just wanted to say how hard it still is for me and i know it must be even harder for some of you

i am 11 now i was the same age when my grandad died he had been living in greece for about 20 years with my gran he had a few bad and not so bad things wrong with his body some of many needed operations but he refused especially one to help his eyes open up me and my family in englan were annoyed and dident understand why he dident want the treatment a few months later things started getting serious he was having fits and his liofe was hanging by a therad my mum and sisters new they had to go out there but thiings werent easy there either but while my mum and aunt stayed in england my other aunt went that was when it happened he had a huge fit and the doctors couldent stop it my nan watched the man shed been with for ove50 years die it was horrible and the worst part was i never got to say goodbye it has now been four momths and i still feel so bad

No name, 9 October 2008
My wonderful dad had a massive heart attack in July. Although he lived for nearly two weeks, the hospital said he had sufferred such internal damage he would never recover and he never did! Those 2 weeks were horrific and after the life support machines were turned off it was such a nightmare waiting game where I began to hope it would all end quickly. But now I dont want to believe he is dead! He was my world and I didn't even realise how much he meant to me.He was always the calm one in a crisis and now me and my family are cracking up I dont know what to do. I;m angry with everyone and cry whenever i stop for a second. I feel I have lost my hope and happiness and despite knowing about the greif prtocess I cant see when this will ever end! I miss you dad xxx

No name, 3 September 2008
My boyfriend died 3 months ago, i started feeling ok now i feel rubbish again, its like im going backwards! :(

frankie, 28 August 2008
hey my names frankie and i heard about this site from a magazine.
On may the 14th my mum had premature twins,they were early by 3 months
sadly one of them died 2 days later(named luca)when my mum told me i cried so much, i dident no wat 2 fink or wat 2 say. I mean i have had people die in my family before( my great nan and grandad), but this was my brother it was so differant. I no some people said well how could she be said (talkin about me) because i never saw him but he was still my brother. 5 weeks later my other brother died, i was so upset because with this brother named joshua i had formed a bond with him although he had been in hospital i went up there every week and me any my mum always talked about when he would be coming home x
im so sad now, i cant even think about them because i start cryin writin this has even made me start cryin x
does any1 else feel like this?

Korell, August 2008
My dad died in feburay of this year and i mis shim loads i lvoe you wish yu were here dad
xxx

No name, 19 August 2008
my girlfriend died nearly 2months ago by a boyracer who hit her at nearly triple the 50km speed limit. each day seem a big ordeal to get through and hasnt gotten easier yet, if anything, a lot harder. My heart goes out to all of you and hope wish you all the best with trying to cope with your lives.

Barry, 11 August 2008
My mum died on 13/03/08. I'm so lost. I try to remember her but i can't. I loved her so much and miss her. i did not say goodbye. She died in hospital all alone.

No name, 7 August 2008
i am so depressed because my mum was diognosed with cancer. then 2 months l8r my papa was diognosed with terminal cancer he passed away 18.3.08 my mum survived but is still vey ill beacuse of her chemo it gets harder every day time is suppost to help but all time dose is make things worse!!!!!! i dont know wot 2 do cause my papa brought me up as a child and now im on my own lookin after my mum sometimes life stinks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No name, 20 July 2008
My dad died in may. I found out he had cancer in at the start of april, by mid may he was dead. i was with him when he died and it was the most upsetting experience of my life sitting in that room with him in pain while he died. he fell into a coma a few hours before he died and i didn't even get to say goodbye and I wish I could have told him how much i loved him..it's only been two months but i feel like it's forever. People say that you learn to accept it after a while, but after two months i still find it hard to accept that he's gone and to learn to let go and move on through the stages of grief. does it get any better?

chantelle, 4 July 2008
well my nana died in may and she had donated her body to science, but i couldn't stop crying because we were really close but still now in july i still feel heart broken but at times i wish i wasn't here to feel how i feel and when i speak opf my nana i can't help but sit and cry although i am taking things day by day and sometimes i just sit and talk to a photo of my nana.

Sarah, 1 July 2008
My big brother died on the 12th of April 2008
We still don't know how, i miss him so much.
No one understands how i feel and when i am at school evryone treats me different but i don't want them to.

chelsea, June 2008
my sister past away on the 3ed of february in a car acsadent u could of herd it seems like it was yesterday but then like years i have readed some of the timelines it made me feel sad but i know iam not alone
love u chloe xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Kmcc, 23 June 2008
My dad was an alcoholic and cause of this a very abusive man, as a family we lost everything because of him. In the end its still your father, he passed suddenly a few months back and nothing could have ever have prepared me for the feeling f loss and guilt. It honestly feels even still like my heart has been ripped out and torn to pieces. Today is my birthday and now i think i miss him even more, although he was a drunk, i no he cared and tried to give the drink up for us but wasnt strong enough. Anyone out there who has lost a father, knows it doesnt get easier through time but unnecessarily harder. May you find strength in your own way and keep your chin up as theres no way ur dad would want u to feel depressed and down he'd want u to live your life.

No name, 17 June 2008
My mum passed away (i still can't bring myself to say those 4 letter words)on the 21st of April 2008, i was at work when i got the call, she was in hospital for only 1 week so it was and still is a shock, undoubtedly the most devastating thing that's happened to me so far. I am crying now but i have found strenght and courage in the Lord, through prayers and reading the bible

Lauren, 12 June 2008
i lost my friend Travis on the 7 of Jan 5 monts and five days ago

elisabeth, 7 June 2008
My dad died on January 18, 2008.I had to make the decision on taking him off life support.He was on a breathing machine for 18 days.I made him suffer for those 18 days because I couldn't let him go.He had cancer of his liver and emphasyma.It has been almost 5 months now since he passed.He was a Vietnam Veteran and he was my hero.My father asked Jesus into his heart and was saved by God's grace.So honestly,the only thing that gets me by, is the blessed assurance that I will see him again someday.

Sarah, June 2008
Well basically I lost my nan.
She went into hospital on a monday and we didnt leave her until 3am tuesday morning and she seemed to be perking up but at 7am we got a call saying that she had taken a turn for the worse we went straight in and spoke to the consultant who told us she had had a heartattack but had come back but what we didnt know was that whilst he was with us she had had another one, so we went into see her and she had already died and we didnt know we sat there for two hours not knowing that she had died.
I didn't know how to cope with my grief because my family told me i couldn't cry and i had to be strong for my mom, but now its finally hit me after 3 months and i feel horrible because my mom has got to go through it all again. But my friends are being great and im getting there ill never forget my nan as me and mom have lived with her for 17 years, but the worst bit is now that the house has to be sold and we have nowhere to go but as my saying always goes "things can only get better". So anyone who has a similar experince keep smiling as it will get better.

No name, 26 May 2008
my mum died 8 weeks ago and i am finding life very hard to live at the moment

Chloe, 21 May 2008
My best friend, Erin, had cysistic fribrosis all her life, and was very ill, and had many transplants and treatments during her life.
she was one of the tiniest people i knew! and soo lovely, she would always be there for me, and we would have such a laugh.
we had some brilliant times, and ones i'd never forget. when i went to australia in the summer, we were planning all of the things we would do when i came home, and planned life for years ahead! (like most girls hey!)
soon after i came home from oz, she started to get weak, and more ill than ever. and in and out of hospital all of the time. i was away in london, when i got a call to say that she had been admitted to hospital, and it was looking like she would have to go into HDU. she did go, and the second i got off the train, i went to see her. she was all in pink, and tried to smile. she talked for a while but then became to breathless to talk. she wasnt right, i knew she wasnt. your best friend just knows that type of thing!
i knew she was going to die, and so did she. but everyone i tried to talk to, just told me that she would be ok, and i should be positive.
i felt like everyone was trying to protect me, but i didnt wanna be protected, i wanted someone to be honest to me.
Erin went into ICU, and later transfered to a specialist hospital in london, where i wasnt allowed to visit, incase of infections.
she became to weak to talk on the phone, so we text loads. i knew by her text that she was giving up, and shutting down.
the last text i got from her, told me that she would never forget me, and loved me always, and would be looking down on me, and proud of who i am.
which made me cry so much.
i didnt want to hear the words in that text, because it just made it so real.
my best friend, was leaving me, and there was nothing in the world i could do to change that.
she was on a ventialtor, and for about a month we were just waiting and waiting and waiting. i was called to say, that she was dying, and within the hour she would die. but then she would still be alive the next morning. it was such an emotional rollercoaster.
my parents had booked to go away for the weekend in december, with their friends. they didnt want to go, as i was waiting to hear. but i didnt want them to sit around and worry about it. i wanted life to carry on, as normal as possible.
i knew, the moment i dropped them at the airport, that i would be without them when i most needed them. but i couldnt change it now.
the friday night, was the night of the work christmas party, it was the worst place i wanted to be. i was glued to my phone, waiting for the phone call that i knew would kill a part of me.
it was fancy dress party, so i was on my way to pick my dress up, and crashed my car, the person who crashed into me (who's fault it was) got a bit of a shock, cos i went mad at them, my car was a write off, my parents where away, it was my mum's car, i had no one. and to top it all off, my best friend was lying in a hospital bed dying.
i exploded at this woman, and then broke down, i couldnt move, talk, cry, shout, i couldnt do anyting. numb.
in the end i called my grandma who came to get me, and help sort out details. which was a god send. because i physically couldnt move, or do anything.
it was the straw that broke the camels back!
i went to the party, and put on a brave face, which was horrible, and wouldnt put my phone down. someone stayed with me that night, because i said that they could call me any time of night if erin died.
after hours of insurance company phone calls, and calls abroad to my parents, i sorted out a hire car, and made my self drive again. i met my cousin and grandma for lunch, and then took them home.
i was going to come straight home, but decided to stay for a drink.
and then i got the phone call, she'd gone.
someone somewhere had stolen my best friend, riped my heart out, and i was lost.
i was so glad that i stayed for a drink, other wise i would have been alone.
i wasnt sure if i should cry, or screem, or what i should do.
her funeral was the worst day of my life.
it was family only at the crem, but she asked that i was there. having the leave her body in that room, was aweful, i dont think i've ever cried so much in all my life. but then after that day, i didnt cry for 5 months. all i wanted to do was cry, but i couldnt.

Lana, May 2008
My dad passed away over 2 months ago on 25-2-08. It was so sudden and unexpected, he was only 52 and had not been ill. He died of a blood clot in an artery leading to his heart. I was at home from uni as I'd had a wisdom tooth out, I'm glad I was. I was woken up by him making noise and my mother crying around 5:20am. When I went downstairs he was dying on the kitchen floor. I tried to give him heart massage to save him but nothing worked. It felt like an age waiting for the paramedics as my dad was lifeless on the floor. It broke my heart. I tried to keep it together for my mother, but I knew the worst was true. I was furious at first. All these years I had tried to convince him to stop smoking, eat better, excercise, work less. He wouldnt listen and I hated to fight with him about it. I shouted at the ceiling and cried for hours. "Look what you've done!!" Everyting seemed so uncertain. Would we sell the house? The cars? What would happen about the holidays we'd booked? Would I have to move home from uni? Would we be poor? It seems selfish, but not only did I grieve for my father, I grieved for the part of my life I had lost. He was charasmatic, energetic, funny and caring. I was his only child. His 'charmer'. I loved him so much and of course still love him now. He gave me and my mother such a wonderful life.

We held the funeral 2 weeks later and it was lovely. He would have loved it. I chose Frank Sinatra 'That's Life' as the final song. He loved that song, I can hear him singing it now in the car. My mother was heart broken. She still is I guess. The past 10 weeks have been hard, I wont try and pretend that things get better every day. Because some days I guess everything seems worse. After my dad died, I was petrified of everything, even my own shadow. I couldnt sleep alone or be downstairs alone. I was scared when my mother got a headache, so scared I had to keep going to check on her when she was in bed and wake her up to prove to myself she was ok. But I guess thats all part of the sensitization you suffer when something so unexpected happens. But as the days have passed, I've learned to cope with whats happened and be grateful for the 20 years and 8 months I got to share with my dad. I've framed photos of him, lit candles for him, talked to his ashes, prayed for him, read books and poetry, and everything I've done helps me a little on the way.

I think the most important thing to remember when you've lost someone you love is that it's ok to talk about how you feel, and its ok to be angry, hurt, resentful and full of emotion. Its acknowledging these emotions that helps you deal with them. I've found that asking myself why I'm angry or why I'm scared helps me to put things in perspective. People who die never leave us. Just because they are gone doesnt mean they were never here. A good friend of mine said to me a few weeks ago 'thinking that someone falls unconscious and never wakes up is an incredibly naive way to think. We know so little about everything else, how could we possibly know if death is the end- that's just one of many possibilities.'

robyn, 26 April 2008
my sister died 3 months ago and i am still really sad and all my family are.
her name was sammy she died in a car crash i was 11 when it happen she died in perth she was beautiful girl she was only 16 years old and she had a good life ahead of her r.i.p sammy love you lots sammy love and kisses sammy love robyn

robyn, 24 April 2008
my sister sammy died in a car crash 3 months ago she was only 16 year old i am sad and really miss her i wish she was here i miss her so so so so so much love you sammy

natalie, April 08
i lost my mom who died of terminal cancer in several places when she was diagnosed she was told she would only live a couple of months which was very hard to take in for all the family, my mum was in and out of hospice for 18 months in total very ill she was, and the last few days before she passed away she did not eat nor drink and also was unable to talk or walk, she very sadly died on the 12/02/2008 heartbroken i was and im missing her very very much, she was very strong woman and tried to keep well, she also left her husband and other kids behind, one of which is my lil sister only 4 yrs. i know my mum loves me and is at rest now no more pain

Ebony, 15 April 2008
I lost my dad to cancer almost 2 months ago now on Feb 29th 08. I live at home with my mum and step dad and only ever really saw my dad once every 2 weeks or so. It didnt sink in at first that he was gone, even though i was holding his hand as he passed away, and even the funeral was very surreal, as though it was happening to someone else. The problem is, now its begun to hit me that i will never see him again and im finding it VERY hard to cope, and even tough my life hasnt really changed that much, i have. Iv become very withdrawn and feel i have nobody to talk to about it. I just dont know what im gonna do, I miss him so much.

No name, 7 April 2008
My Nanna died two months ago and it made me realy upset. I dont think I knew how much I loved her untill she died.I got a phone call telling me and my mum that she was going to die I fellt hartbroken all I wanted to do was to see her and all of a suden I found myself runing down the rode cring my eyes out at last I could see her. The next day she died. It was so hard to get over and it still is but its geting better to cope with and evry day I am geting stronger and stronger. some times we have v bad days and good days but thats just how life gos.

john, April 6 2008
it took my an entire month after my mother passed away to shed even a single tear it's now been over 4 months and i now want to start talking about things as in those 4 months i've become more and more angry with people hopefully by the end of the 5th i will be normal again :|

jess, April 3 2008
im 17 and i lost my mum on the 30th of december2007. when i was woken up by dad i knew there was somtheting wrong. my mum had been suffering from cancer for about four years two years ago we though it went away but only 4 it to come back. she didnt tell me until august as i was sitting my GCSE's and she didnt want us 2 suffer from it. on dec 17 th i got told she had a year to live... my heart felt so heavy ...then christmas day she was so happy and that was the last time i spoke to her. when she died we were there all day.. i felt like i couldnt help her in any way watsoever... now 4 months on i still feel like no mates understand me!! but im so much closer to my sister and dad!
luv u mum luv jess

hannah, March 2008
i lost one of my closest mates 4 months ago she was knocked over by car and she went into a coma she was not strong anough so they decided to turn her life support machine of it was my worst day of my life. i knew her 4 8 years and it still hasnt sunk in thts she gone i just keep thinking thats she going to knock on my door and i would see her beautiful smile. i feel so stupid that i never got to say a proper gd bye no one would let me go to the hospital to say gd bye i just wish i did not listen to them and went. even though i cnt see her she always in my heart i just keep thinking tht i am goin to see her again one day

Charlotte, March 2008
I am 16 years old, and on the 1st January 2008 i woke up to something that was going to change the rest of my life. My dad had died very suddenly.
My sister who was 9 at the time found him down stairs.
He died because he had a Genetic Heart Defect, that neither us or my dad knew about it.
Even now, 11 and a half weeks on, it still isn't feeling real. I never knew this yr would change my life forever.
I would never wish this on anybody.

Becci, March 2008
Chris died on 10 jan this year. He had bronchitis, fluid on the lungs and got really drunk. Then some one in a house he had to stay in full of junkies offered him heroin. It was a small amount which coroner said at inquest would not have been enough to be fatal. But a combination of drink lung problems and the small amount of heroin killed him. He never took heroin before and i am so angry he did it. We have two kids and all love him so much. I cant let him go.
Its hard to love him so much and be so angry

DEBORAH, March 2008
HI,I LOST MY STEP-DAD LAST OCTOBER TO 2 HEART ATTACKS AT THE AGE OF 52 AND IT WAS A VERY,VERY SUDDEN DEATH,I CAME INTO THE LOUNGE 1 DAY AND FOUND CHRIS LYING ON THE SOFA AND I KNEW STRAIGHT AWAY HE WAS DEAD MY MUM HAD GONE UPSTAIRS TO DO SOMETHING AND SHE WAS ONLY UP THERE A SECOND,THE DAY HE DIED I HONESTLY DIDNT KNOW WHERE TO PUT MYSELF AND STILL DONT,I KEEP GETTING IMAGES IN MY HEAD NOW FROM THE MORNING I FOUND MY STEP-DAD AND I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME CRYING,BEING ANGRY AT CLOSE ONES AROUND ME AND NOT COPING PROPERLY,ALL I KEEP ASKING MYSELF IS-WHY?WHY?WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED TO MY MUM AND I ?MUM WAS ONLY MARRIED TO MY STEP-DAD FOR 3 YRS TOO.

Laura, 24 March
My aunty, who I was incredibly close to, lost her battle with Motor Neurone Disease in September last year. She was diagnosed with the illness four years ago, and I watched my active, healthy aunty become wheelchair bound and slowly unable to do anything for herself. She needed carers and she often became very depressed.
She lost the use of her hands and could barely talk. All the time her mind was still fully functional. It hurt me to witness her frustration and discomfort. I hated knowing that any day could be her last. Everytime I said goodbye I didn't know if I would ever see her again. Just spending time with her was very upsetting and I suppose I had already lost the person I used to love so much. But there were still happy and special times despite everything, and I liked knowing she was still there, alive and here with me, and I could see her if I wanted to.
Nothing could have prepared me for the day she died. I was shopping in my own, in town, and I got a strange phone call from my grandad asking where my mum was. He sounded weird and I knew there was something wrong with my aunty. I found out a few hours later that she had died. I was at home with my boyfriend, waiting to hear what was happening. I felt as though I had been waiting forever. My nan called my phone and spoke to my boyfriend. She told him the sad news but he wasn't sure if he had heard correctly, and he didn't want to tell me something so terrible if it wasn't true. So it was still another 30 minutes before I knew she was dead. My uncle told me in the end, on the phone. I think I knew deep down, but I just didn't want to believe it.
I cried loudly and uncontrollably for about ten minutes, and for some reason I stopped. I just felt empty. That was all, empty. I felt sick in my stomach and empty in my head. I wanted my mum, but she was 45 minutes away at my aunts house with the rest of my family. My boyfriend drove me there a bit later. I was glad to be around people that were feeling the same as me, there was a tiny bit of comfort in that. I knew my aunty was still in the house, but at the same time she wasn't there anymore. I asked to see her, to try and realise the enormity of what had happened, to face the reality that my beloved aunty was no longer with me.
I opened the door to her bedroom and saw her lying in bed. She looked like she was asleep.
I touched her hand and she was cold. I stroked her hair around her face but she didn't stir or look at me. It was so strange to see her body without the person in it. It confused my brain, and it still does now. Where has she gone? Where is she now? I often ask myself that. I can't accept that she doesn't exist anymore.
I kissed her and left the room, but straight away I wanted to go back in. I wanted to hold on to her and try and keep what was left of her close to me. I couldn't lose her completely. My mum stopped me from going back. She told me that was jut my aunty's physical body, it wasn't her. She wasnt in there anymore. Going back would upset me more. I knew she was right, but there are still times that I wish I had soaked up more of her. More of her smell, the way she looked, the way her hands felt, so I could keep her with me forever.
Afterwards, we sat in the living room. Me, my mum, my nan, my grandad, and my two uncles. We could hardy talk or cry. We just sat there, going through the motions. The undertakers came, but my mum asked my boyfriend to take me home so I didn't see the body bag.
The drive home was horrible. In my head I just kept thinking, it's all over now. Nothing seemed real. I couldn't keep one thought in my head for longer than a second. Tears came randomly. I can't remember what happened when I got home, I think I just sat in my room with my boyfriend cuddling me. I did manage to go to sleep. The next morning I woke up with sore eyes.
The next few days until the funeral are mainly a blur of grief. All I can really remember is a constant urge to be around my family, and dreading the funeral.
Now, six months on, it is easier. The grief isn't so intense, but it is still there. A song that reminds me of her, or a film that deals with death, or going to a place we had been together, still make me cry. I still miss her so so so much it's difficult to describe. At the moment I still feel as though life will never be the same without her. A part of me will always be sad without her. I know I haven't reached a place in my mind where I can think of her and smile at my memories. When I think of her, I am still overcome with great sadness because I wish she was still alive. But I am carrying on with my life for her. Her death has been a great hurdle, but everything that I find a challenge, I think of my aunty and do my best. I want her to be proud of me. In that way, she lives on.

Juju, 24 March 2008
My Dad died in October and it is March now and I am having a harder time missing him. I have been overeating and staying up really late to comfort myself. It is actually making my life worse. If I don't eat I cry. I don't mind crying and I know I will for a long time. My guess is that if I keep stuffing my hurt down I will end up very sick. I know my Dad is watching over me. I can feel it. I think it is my worse loss cause he was my Dad for 55 years. We only lived 10 minutes from one another. We didn't always see eye to eye but we loved one another. Does anyone else have a hard time sleeping or using food? What helps me the most is being around friends and family that talk openly with me about my Dad.

Rhiannon, 20 March 2008
my mum passed away just over 2 months ago 12/2/08 and when i found out my whole world had collapsed. i feel so alone , i no i have got my dad and my 2 sisters and my brother but there is still part of me that feels so empty. we did everything together and she wasn't just my mum she was my best friend, my soul mate.

love you always and forever mum
all my love from rhiannon xxx
sleep tight godbless xxxxxx

Niikii, 19 March 2008
Well ii Was On Holiday When ii Lost My Dad Which Was About 4 Months Ago.
It Was A Sudden HeartAttack Which Shocked Me Alot Becuase We Have A little Arument.
That Day i Spent My Time Down The Beach With Him, Couldnt Be Happier.
He Was Proud Of Me For Obeying Him.
I Heard Him Say It To My Mum When i Was In Bed,
That Night About 3am He Was Having A HeartAttack... i Thought He Was Going To Come Back From The Hospital..
It Turns Out He Died, ii Didnt Get To Tell Him i Love Him....
R.ii.P DADDY !!!!!!!!!! xxxxxxxxx

erin, 18 March 2008
On the 30th of december 2007 exactly one week before my twelf birthday my beloved daddy died i miss him so much and whats worse he is buried in ireland so i'm over a hundred miles away from him and we can't go to ireland all the time because i have school. but when my mum cleared out the pub he used to run she found a birthday present he bought for me so i cried for ages on my birthday. But things are not getting any better i'm falling behind on school work and i can't relax this results in phisical pain and sleeplessness i just can't go on like this.
erin

tara, March 2008
on xmas night i lost my sister how was only
16 years of age
and i am 11 years of age
my sister name is laura
i miss her a lot
by tara

Becky, March 2008
My grandad died on Monday 1st October, 2007. He was such a caring and loving man, I would do anything for him. I will never forget him and I still dont believe he's gone, i know its going to take time, but to me he was my dad, best friend and grandad all rolled into 1. Im trying to move on but its hard. None of us were expecting my grandad to die because he was the best he'd ever been, he always spoke to me and rung me daily to see how I was, he encouraged me to do many things so thats what im going to do. I will never forget the early morning that my mum told me, I went into total shock mode, i still dream about that and the funeral. Im starting to live my life again because i know thats what he would have wanted.
I love you so much and miss you loads too,
love u grandad, see u again.
Becky xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Jade February 2008
I lost my mum 31 December 2007 and it was a really hard to take.A couple of days afer the death of my mum my grandad died.It was really sudden for my mum and everyone was really really upset.I didn't feel confident in myself for a lot of things because most people relied on my mum for a lot of things.I really miss my mum,Helen.
Lots of Love from
Jade xxx

xxxxEMIxxxx, February 2008
My next door neighbor died on the 15th November 2007. She was like a grandma to me. we have a big front window and almost everyday after school she would come over and pull funny faces at the window. She died of a sudden heart attack. I had no warning. On the day that she died I was called out of lesson and the receptionist told me that my neighbor had gone into hospital. That same day i rang my mum to see what had happened. when she answered the phone she was crying. i guessed the worst and I was right. Jan (neighbor) had died. I hung up the phone and started to cry. It is unbearable when you lose someone lose to extremeley close to you.
All that evening i was crying. I couldn't talk about it because i am not that kind of person. My mum was as upset as me. All of the following week our other neighbors kept knocking on the door to say how sorry they were that Jan had gone. Practically everyone said to my mum that Jan had said to the " M (my mum) was like the daughter we never had."
I hope Jan is resting in peace.
I give my love to ANYONE that has lost someone close to them.
I believe that "you can never forget the people you've lost.....you just have to learn to live without them."
All the best
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Jessica, February 2008
I moved out of my mums then i moved in with my uncle who took me in and promised to bring me up much better than i was getting treated at home...
but then he decided that he didnt want me and started treating me badly!!
and kicked me out of his home...
so i had moved into my nan and grandads and went to visit my other grandads, he was not well at the time :( so i moved in with him so it was easier for me to get to school and so i could help my grandad and take care of him!
but i realised that i never had my uniform that it was in my other nan and grandads so i had to get it to go to school!
so i rang my nan and told her and she offered to come and get me from my grandads because my grandad was too unwell and we new that, but my grandad insisted on bringing me hom to my nan and grandads!
we got out side my nans an it is a dead end so my grandad was doing a for point turn to turn the car around he got half wat through it an stopped the utomatic car, then he had a massive heartattack and died in the driving seat with me in the passenger seat!!
because it wa a automatic car the car just sped off and crashed into another car out side my nan and grandads home.. this all happened in december 2007 ,, only a few months ago but i still cant get over it, and i cant take it really it really upsets me i cry all the time even though nobody really nows i do and just blame myself because if it wasnt for my ggrandad taking me home for my uniform then none of this would have happend and he would still be ere with me but i have no one on that side of the family to talk to or grieve with about it so i do it in my own way to myself !!does anybody now how to deal with it, i now that there is now real way of getting over it but i need to now sort of how to help me with it!...

Jen, February 2008
My mum died of cancer 2 month ago she had, had a stroke 9 months before she died she was so ill 4 so long she was so young i have allways lived with my dad and seen her at weekends i fell bumped out of time with her but i will allways love her and her big blue eyes

Penny, February 2008
My mum died less than 2 months ago. Some days are better than others and I've exhausted myself by trying to keep busy so not to think about her suffering and not being here. She once told me that days are like places, we won't like every place/day however be sure there is a better one to come. I believe that and get through one day at a time because the pain will ease. I'm sad for my mum as she was young and loved life. I surround myself with friends and people who loved her too, that's where I get my comfort. It's reassuring to know we are not alone.

No name, February 2008
I lost my Aunt died a couple of months ago, with Cancer. I never stop thinking about her, and i'm struggling with school and at home. I just wish my Aunt was still here because i miss her so much. =(

No name, January 2008
I lost my dad on the 17th December 2007. Only now i am really coming to terms with it. I cried on the day of the funeral but have struggled to cry ever since. It doesn't mean i didn't love him just i find it hard to show my emotions. It was a little over a month ago and i am finding really hard to come to terms with his death.

Lorna, January 2008
my mum died 4 months ago of cancer im still finding it hard its difficult when u miss them so much x

Amy, January 2008
3 mounths ago i lost my step mum in a accident i nearly lost my dad aswell i just think life really does suck.

No name, January 2008
my dad was murdered i wil never get over it. 2months xx

See the archive of messages up to December 2007