personal

7 - 11 months

stacey, August 2010
I lost my mum over 8 months ago and it dont get easier i just get used to it i dont know how my mum died and im going to find out soon how she did i miss her more than anything it was just me and mum when ever we was together it was so fun she was my best mate everything in a shell everything on this earth to me

Chris, July 2010
My Dad died on January 2010 and im 14 now i was 13 when he died i feel depressed to this day and its just to difficult to cope with i dont know if this will get any better the last thing i said to him was dont call me back if u drunk ever again and the next day he committed suicide im so lost and i cant even cry

Jessica, July 2010
It has been just over 7 months since my mum died, it was very sudden starting from a headache which turned out to be cancer (cholangiocarcinoma- Billary duct in liver and spread to pancreas n brain which caused a bleed there) My mum didnt know she had cancer at all had no symtoms what so eva until her last days. We just thought my mum had a nasty virus :( My mum was only 54 when she died and i was 17- i don't tink there anyting stronger than a mother daughter relationship spesh at that age i really needed her most. am 18 now and ive had to do a lot of growing up as my mum aint around no more. My only problem is that i am now a massive hypachondriact always convinced i'm dieing or terminally ill :( i don't have a moter figure in my life and its awful i dnt kno how i manage to be honest! at the moment i am going through some medical procedures at the moment- nothing serious but i have had to do them without my mum which i am really proud about :). I didn't see much of my mum on her last days as she was in pain and it broke my heart i couldnt cope seeing her in pain. i just hope she knowes that i love her so much and i would give anything to have her back anyday.. miss you mummy lv u xxxxxxxxxx

Kayleigh, June 2010
My brother died in October last year. He was only 9 year old. He had a peaceful death as he died while he was sleeping due to a flu. I miss him so much its unbelievable.

Hanna, June 2010
My name is Hanna, 11 months and 13 days ago on they 5th of July 2009 at 2.40PM i lost my duaghter through forced abortion and have never been able to talk to anyone about it since she died. Her name was Kristyna (its pronounced Christina). My ex-fiance left me after being with me for 18 months, he spent 2 months telling me he wanted a family with me but left me the second he found out. My mum threathened to kick me out if I kept her and my family were going to disown me. I couldnt believe what was happening to me. My world was slowly falling to pieces. I could of made it without them and lived on benefits but it would not have been the life i wanted for her. So i went through with it and had to lie to everyone telling them it was what i wanted and how my life would be better and i had so much ahead of me, i didn't and still don't. She was my world. She still is. I lay there for six hours in Southmead hospital knowing that i had just murdered her, and for many months after i believe it was my fault but i eventually came to realise that it wasnt and i now blame the people in charge, the ones that pushed me around and shoved me into doing this. I think about her everyday, i miss my baby girl so much i just wish i could see her one last time. Thats all i could ask for in this life, thats all i deserve. Since this I have had to go back to the doctors because on her monthly anniversary i get so down and depressed and sometimes even suicidal that i cant deal with it anymore and I have been diagnosed with Post-traumatic Stress Disorder. I will never let her go or forget her but i just want to stop the pain.
Kristyna... I miss you...I just want to see you one last time and I'm sorry that we have to be apart like this but I will see you soon I can promise you that.

jess, June 2010
my great nanna has died over half a year ago now :(
i still miss her asmuch as i did when she died :(
tonight ive actually just been crying over her
and also 2 other people who have died in the past year :(
which is my neibour who died about 3 months ago, and my great grandad who died over a year ago.

i still have visions in my head when she actually passed away (i was there when she died)
and right now i dont believe the saying that time can heal pain because i just seem to be feeling worse not better!!

im 17 btw... i was 16 when she died

my great nanna died on 28th november 2009
i was 16 and we all have known for a while that she was dieing ( she was basically just dieing of old age with medical problems included, she was 93)
i was actually there when she died :(
and i regret it so much that i still didnt even say bye to her... when your in that situation you really dont know what to do.

but anyways it was really hard watching her just laying there dying because i coudnt do anything to save her, i just felt hopeless and not in control of anything.
when she did die we still stayed with her for a while till the nurse came to check that she was dead and stuff.

when i got home that day it was just like a blair ... i didnt really realise that ive just seen my nanna pass away
i just tryed to forget about it and i seemed fine it was kinda like nothing had happened

but then a month later thats when the grief started !!

squeeze, May 2010
it has been 7 months since my nanna died its all i think about she meant so much and we did so much together

No name, May 2010
My brother who was 16 had a collapsed lung and an life long illness died in hospital last year. It's been 10 months now and I really think about him and miss him all the time.

billy-ray, May 2010
well one night on thursday the 8th october my dad went out for a birthday meal because on the monday (his birthday) he would have been working. so he comes home from his meal and i go to bed the next thing i no it is about 1am on friday the 9th october and i got woken up by my step mum running up the stairs say is he breathing to my next door nabiour but he said i dont no and she was shouting wake up wake up to i get up and go into my sisters room and i could hear the paramedics trying to get him alive and then after 3-4 hours my step grandad said my dad had died. first week i was in shock and deniel and then i felt guity forgetfull and lost of other things and it has not been a year yet but still upset.

DALTON, May 2010
My name is dalton and on july the 16 2009 i lost my favirote person in the world i was 14 when my nana died now at 15 i still greive for her and im crying right now she was amazing she was funny and full of life i still cant belive she is gone at her funeral i put on sunglases so no one could see me cry men arent supposed to cry i thought but it was so overwhelming i had to i miss you nana and i love you always your favirote grandson

Sara 19, April 2010
My boyfriend was killed in a plane crash 10 months ago. He was only 24. My world fell apart and I felt totally lost, I miss him so much. I was picking my wedding dress on the internet when I was told that there had been a crash. I still go over every detail of that night - it plays on a loop in my mind, causing me to stay awake at night. However, I have learned how to put on a brave face and keep composed in public...most of the time. It's OK to break down and have a good cry though because it definitely builds up otherwise. I started uni and moved away from home 3 months after it happened, which was really hard, but I get home at the weekend and in a way it's good to escape from constant sympathy and gloom at home and keep busy for a while.If I could give you advice it would be to always talk about it with certain people you can confide in. I find talking, crying, doing exercise, singing and painting are a huge form of release and if I didn't do those things I would probably go mad! I am a Christian and know that God has comforted me and helped me through everything,I don't where I would be without Him. If I feel like I can't go on I remember that: "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" Philippians 4:13 He is always there if you need to talk to someone but don't know who to turn to, "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those whose spirits are crushed." Psalm 34:18

amanda r., Spril 2010
i was 10 and my dad didnt let me go over to my friends house and i was so mad at him that i didnt talk to him the rest of the night and then i heard my mom yelling wake up richard please wake up!so i went down stairs to see my mom crying over my dad and my brother talking on the phone to 911.it was the first time i ever saw him cry.when he saw me he handed the phone to my mom and came toward me crying harder than ever and he gave me a big hug and he wouldnt let go.i started crying immidiatly and after an hour while we were at the hospital i asked him is daddy gonna be ok?all he did was turn away.i started screaming and crying and i was trying to go see my daddy but the nuse said i was too young to see him like that.i just couldnt go back to my house after that so i stayed at a friends house for the weekend and when i came back everyone i knew was at my house well everyone except my dad.i asked my mom where he was and she told me to come in her room.i asked her again and she said he was taken away from us.just sitting there shocked out of my mind i asked very quietly hopeing my answer was wrong,daddys dead?it only took her four words:yes baby daddys dead.all i could do at that moment was cry and im now 11 today and everytime i think about it i cant help but cry and feel guilty.i was mad and him and i never told him the one night the thing i said to him every night ever sense i could talk:i love you and i still can hear him say i love u too sweetie angel.i just wish i could have told him that that one night.september 12 2009 3:04a.m.i still miss him giving me a hug everyday after school and right now i need some people to talk to about it please help me by just talking to me i really need it.my name is amanda r. and i lost my dad at 10 years old.

Beth, 2 April 2010
My dad passed away on the 29th of May 2009, i was there and it still haunts me everynight when i close my eyes to go to sleep - he was in hospital for 8 months - he had stomach ache - it was bowel cancer which could have been treated but the surgeon accidently put a hole in his bowel at the same time and left him with gangreene - it took him 8 months to die of gangreene - he went from 16 stone to 6 stone in 8 months- he spent 2 years living in a canal when he was a soilder and never caught a thing
it was horrible and he did not deserve to suffer like that - all at the hands of a surgeon
i love him and miss him so much
I WANT MY DAD

Sophie, 2 April 2010
Exactly ten months ago, my mum died from cancer. We had all known it was going to happen, so there was no sudden rush of grief when I found out. I felt guilty about that for a long time, and still do sometimes. I feel like I ought to have cried more when I found out. I realise now that, although it didn't all come suddenly, it wasn't any less than what other people have experienced. Sometimes something reminds me of her, just little things, and I find myself crying. I miss her so much.

No name, March 2010
My Dad Died 9 months ago, i was 17. My brother was at his Tutor's and me and my mum were at a concert. We found out after the concert from our close friend and neighbour. My neighbour had tried to save my dad but it was too late. I cried everyday for two weeks, my dad was the only one who tried and wanted to know me as i grew up. My mum was at a complete loss and always talks to me about how she feels and what she is feeling, my brother doesn't really seem to care and is causing more problems for us as a family. My nan and uncles try to help but just annoy my mum more. We've waited 9 months to find out the results of the post-mortem but still nothing. This just makes it harder. I have no choice but to be strong for my family as they have all come to me to talk. When i need to talk to people about how i feel, i struggle and lie about how im coping. My friends don't understand how i feel and don't realise how much im struggling with it. They just dismiss the conversations and ignore it. I've known for a while that i can't cope but asking for help, for me is really hard, i see asking for help as a weakness. Many people judge me for this but ive had to be strong for years. My best friend of 13years moved to australia 5 years ago, i had to be strong for her as she really didnt want to go. Since then ive been hiding everything that hurts and never reveal how i feel. When i do people judge me. All i want is my dad to come home and tell me that its all a lie and that everything will be okay. I've never stopped crying somedays my eyes are swollen where ive cried so much. I just want him to come home.

Lou, March 2010
My mum died from non hodgkins lymphoma. She passed on June 20th 2009 and it still as if it were yesterday. I miss every moment i shared with her and find every birthday, anniversary and now mothers day so incredibly difficult to deal with. My mother was a very inspirational and strong person to so many people, from sharing her gardening expertise or general problem solving, she was a true strength to everyone she knew. My sister lives across the other side of the world and it's made it harder the fact we are so far apart, however, we speak all of the time and share the many fun times we shared with our beloved mother. It does get easier, but every day is a battle to ensure we move on and remember in a positive way rather than the upset and tears we have shared.

hajra, March 2010
my brother diec on the 10th july 2009 and he was 18 and his brithday was on the 16th august.
my best friend diec no the 23 august 2009 she was 15 and she is going o turn 16 on the 26 of april
i miss them so much love form me

Carrieanne, March 2010
my best friend hung himself on the 4th of augest 2009

honey, January 2010
I'm 15 years old. 11 months ago my boyfriend died in a car accident, because of a drunk man. he was 19. I've been through so much pain I can't tell, but that all of you that had lost someone know and understand. My whole world come to pieces after I lost him. He was everything to me, he promised me we were going to be together forever. I still remember him every single day and I know I will remember he my whole life, he was my first love. and life continues, and you just have to keep going forward. we can keep them alive in our hearts. I know he is watching me from heaven, that he wants me to live, he wants me to be happy... I don't know if I'll be happy again, but I will live for both of us. I'll live for that love

Soph, January 2010
I lost my daddy 15th june 2009 and i miss him soo much that i just want to be with him. i have suicidle thoughts and i am self harming my self. what do i do? i cant help my strong feelings about wanting to die so much. Its making me sooo depressed. im sure my dad doesnt want to see me like this and im sorry dad! but i cant help this emotion. Please just help me! ?? i want to end this pain. xx

holly, January 2010
i lost my dad 9 months ago and i still cant move on. i hadnt seen him for 3 years and was planning on visiting him when he died suddenly of an accidental overdose. i missed him already before he died and now knowing i will never see him again, its too hard. ppl expect me to be over it already but if anything i feel worse because every day i miss him more. no one understands wat it feels like. i have lost a part of me and can never get it back...i dont know how to deal with it, sometimes i feel like i will never truely be happy again. some times i wish i had someone to talk to about it but then i dont even know wat to say anyway. i just wish i could talk to him. nothing else can make it better.

Archive of messages up to the end of 2009