personal

7 - 11 months

Alex, 21 October 2011
lost my mum when i was 6. now im 13 nearly 14 but still missing her.Then last year in december my nan died who was my mums mum. I still miss her as much, even though its nearly been a year. it was a hard time when my nan was in hospital, but happy shes not in any pain anymore. it was a big loss as we were really close.

Becka, 15 October 2011
I lost my Dad last November I was 16. He was a huge part of my life and we did everything together. His death wa very unexpected and I didnt believe he died for weeks. I would try to call his mobile and text him the news just wouldnt sink in. I still find it hard to believe he has been took from me and I havent really talked to anybody about loosing him. I hide the fact that Iam upset and angry everyday its like I wear a mask to cover it up, but inside iam crying out for help and advice. I know its been nearly a yeat but I havent got over loosing him I still dont truely believe hes gone. My emotions have been everywhere one minute Ill be fine next minute Ill be crying and wanted to smash something.
If anyone has gone through this and lost someone so close to them Iam more than happy to talk and help based and what Iam feeling and been dealing with.
Becka x

spph, 12 October 2011
It's been 9 months now since my grandma died sometimes I have bad days but then sometimes I have happy days people grieve in different ways some never get over a loss I know I won't death I'd horrible but it's part of life I really miss my grandma and I cry a lot but I've seen my Grandma's grave and that really helped I've had great help from my house tutor miss Hazel so if you're reading this thanks miss it helps to talk to people about your worries it really does. I'll never get over the death of my grandma but I remember the good things not the bad. I'm just worrying about my first birthday without her next week but I've seen grandma recently in my head she was talking to me I'm not mad. Thanks xx

rha missin gredd, 27 August 2011
i lost my bestfriend soulmate lover my boyfriend my man my soon to be husband my soul

Katie, 26 August 2011
My Grandad died over 9 months ago and it still hurts as if it only happened yesterday, can shock last this long? surely not! Someone told me the pain will never go away it will just get easier to cope with over time, thats the prolem though, time, does anyone really have any time? Even though so many people have said to me that it is not my fault i still think it is and i think that is something i am going to have to live with. I am currently having counsilling and have begun to realise that all this hurt isnt just because of my grandad dying, its the fact that he was the one who was always there ready to talk about anything, he would spoil us and show a unusual but special kind of love and that has been taken away so suddenly. I think with out the counselling i am recieving i would of got worse and worse and tbh i probalbly would have tried to kill myself by now, so seriously if your feeling really low and it feels as if everything is going wrong for you, talk to some one and get soem help before it is too late. I still miss my grandad and that will never go away but you can get help to cope with it better. x

millie j, August 2011
since my dad died i have been sad upset and worried about my dad the birds have stoped singing and my kitten wont hug me ever ever ever and my outher cat bailey died 9 months a go i m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i is s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s my DAD so
RIP DAD Rest In Peace
millie j w.y

Olf, June 2011
My Uncle was diagnosed with terminal cancer very suddenly in March 2011. It was a huge shock to everyone in the family. He had been to the hospital with complaints of stomach pain, but it turns out he had a melanoma in his eye and the cancer had spread through his body effecting his lungs, liver, stomach, and heart, and therefore leaving him to die as there was nothing the hospital could do. My uncle passed away in August 2010, so had a very short battle with the disease, but it was extremely painful, for him, and for all of his loved ones to see. My uncle and all my dad's side of the family, don't live near us but we are a close family and the experience seems to ahve stuck with me alot. Even though I was 17 at the time, I feel as if I was still too young to see a once perfectly healthy man just deteriorate so quickly and painfully, and the pictures of him so ill in my mind are the ones that always stcik with me, not so much the happy times, and I just cannot seem to change that. There was one time when my Uncle had asked all the loved ones to go down and see him, because it seems he must have known his life was about to come to an end, so we went in and said goodbye, but instead I said 'see you soon' rather than 'goodbye', and this is a huge regret that I have, because even though some people say that 'see you soon' is alovely thing to say, i can't see it like that because I don't beleive in heaven or a place where I will see him again, and neither did he, so it may have given him false hop. I just miss him so so much, and wish i could turn back time and make things different.

charlie, 15, June 2011
on the 30th of october 2010 my mum passed away it was so sudden, she had just come out of rehab she was back to normal, and she said it was her time to look after me and my dad and when she died i didnt no what to do, it was harder because i found her i had to tell everyone my mum was my everything we had been through so much and i really dont know what to do with myself the house isnt the same anymore and i know ive got so much support but no one will ever compare to my mum!

Jess, June 2011
My dad died 8 months ago, and it seems like just yesterday. I had counselling to begin with but then the sessions stopped, but now im getting more. counselling is so good for you, cos they dont judge you, and you can cry, talk, shout, or just sit there and have some alone time. I miss my dad so much but i no i was very lucky to have him in my life. I was only 13 when it happened, and i am now fourteen, but i no he will be in my heart forever

sionainn, June 2011
On 22nd October 2010, my cousin David passed away.. He committed suicide following a family argument the previous week. He'd warned everyone via facebook - threatening to take his life - but nobody took it seriously because from him, we'd heard it all before. He was found in his flat a day later having taken an overdose. And was pronounced brain dead just a few hours later. He was like a father to me because I don't get along with my real dad. Today, it's Father's Day and I really wish he was here. Sometimes, I wish I was the one who listened to him & maybe could have saved his life but it's way too late for that now. RIP Flash, you're my hero <3

Wales., June 2011
My Grandad Died On the 3rd October 2010 It was the sadest day of my life. my grandad was my king, he would listen to me, i could tell him things i cant tell other people. the last three years of his life were the worst, he had a stroke then broke his hip, then found out he had cancer, got put in a comah and then passed away, he was in so much pain and if i could have swopped places with him i would've and still will <3 R.I.P your my hero!xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Paula, May 2011
My father died 2nd october 2010 it came as a shock to us as he was only taken in to hospital on the 1st then got moved to itc unit on the 2nd. my sister and me got called in to hospital because his condition had deterated . when i got to the hospital i wasnt expecting to see a full team of nurses and doctors around my dad im 23 and the youngest child i backed away scared of what i was goin to see.After the doctors had made him comftobale on itc they came out to me and my sister who was 29 and said theres a 40 60 chance he was going to survie we broke down we went to see him and im glad the last thing i said to him was i love you because i didn't say it often enough sadly.that was the last time we seen him alive we had a phone call telling us he had gotten worse when we got back to the hospital the machines was keeping him alive even thou we were there it still didn't seem real until the funeral. 8 months on and im still struggling to cope with him not being here and keep thinking about this day over and over again . i love you daddy forever and always xxxxx

grandads bookworm, April 2011
on 22 october my grandad died in hospital i was 13 and it was almost my birthday im now 14 and im still refuse he is dead once the depression was too much and i took some tablets and ended up in hospital but all thats on my mind is i came out of hospital alive and my grandad didnt i always knew he wont come out and i also knew he will die in hospital and soon.

From RD4U:
I am very sorry to hear that your grandad died. It is good that you have posted this message and that other young people can then reply. If you want to talk with someone from Cruse do call us on our helpline on 08088081677. We also have branches of bereavement support workers if you want to see someone face to face. details of our branches are on our website www.cruse.org.uk. Another helpline that could help is Childline on 0800 1111 which is open 24 hours a day. Hope this helps.

Grace, April 2011
It's been seven months and two days, it has been really hard for me I have been living on the edge for nearly two years, when my grandad passed away I lost it! I couldn't study or do anything I didn't want to go out or nothing, yet today every day I don't want to come home cause evrything reminds me of him. My nana is holding strong but she's just like me strong on the outside but all mushed and confused on the inside. My sister and mum are going away over the one year of my grandad being dead and my brother and dad are working. It's been a rough ride and I only just recovered from my grandmar passing away 8 years ago. I'm so greatful for all these services, as my school counsiler is judgmental after this girl who was goin through things blamed it on us and then she did to. Im steady and strong in my process of grief but I have moments where I'm so low I just can't do it anymore. I have tried to kill myself once since my grandad had died and a few times before that. But now I strongly believe that God is helping me not too as I heard him speak when I was going to

Kayla, March 2011
my boyfriend died aug 21 2010 ,he was 19 i was 17 and he wasnt just my boyfriend ,we were engaged i am not going to tell u its going to be cuz it not,its been 8 months and im still not over his death ,i turned to drugs and getting drunk to take away the pain but it diidnt so ive just been hangen out with my bestfriend to keep my mind off it and thats the best solution ,trust me !it will get worst b4 it gets better

Rach, March 2011
My Mum passed away in July from cancer it was a real ahock to all the family Mum was well and it was totally unknown she was ill never mind cancer till she started with stomach ache and after weeks of mis dignosise from the docs she took herself to hospital in July who later comfirmed the worst she had ovarian cancer, Weeks later we were told mums cancer could not be treated and she only had 2 weeks to live this was heart breaking but cherished ever min spent with mum who sadly died only one week later. This has torn my world apart and finding it hard to carry on as normal but dont like showing emotion infront of other people. My mum was my best friend and everyday it hits me that i cant talk to her! x

Becca, February 2011
It's been just over nine months since my Dad died suddenly from a brain haemorrhage. Yesterday I cried so much, which I haven't done for a while as I've worked so hard to keep busy and keep happy. I've got a little bit of myself back finally after months of crying every day and deep depression, so I guess I was surprised to be so suddenly teary. I feel sad a lot about it, but it's manageable. It DOES get better with time, please believe that, if anybody is reading this. It is horrible to cry about it because I miss my Dad so much, I miss his support and care and love and I hate that I can't remember his voice properly, and it IS so unfair. But life goes on, and I hate to be told that, but it truly does. I shouldn't have been surprised to have a down day - it should be expected.
See also Becca's poem

claire, February 2011
I lost my dad in April 2010, 7 weeks before my daughter was born. One of the things I was looking forward to the most as it was his first real grandchild.

He always seemed strong, he went into hospital with pneumonia and got rid of it to find out he had a bad heart, we always thought he would be okay, I saw him on the Sat and as I was working I wanted to ring him on Wed but the nurse said someone was using the phone, the next morning we were told he was poorly and no one had told us that he had already died, they just showed us into the room. I think my heart broke as I was always a daddy's girl, we had a few arguments but I always thought he would be around. Everything still seems like a bad dream and like many of you I have had anger issues shouting at my husband, I dont remember much of the first 5 months of my daughter I was eaten up. My daughter and husband are my reason to live, but every day things remind me, I always think of him. It seems to be a sadness that is ingrained and changes you forever.

The day he died though, I got home and found 5ps on the floor in the living room, as did my mum. Which used to be a joke with my dad when he was around.

I was crying so hard one day in the kitchen, when our stereo turned itself on and started to play. I know people will think it is strange but sometimes I feel that my dad is still with me. I have even felt my hair move like my dad used to ruffle it when he was alive, even though no one was in the room at the time.

We were looking for a car when my dad was alive a ford focus and couldnt get the credit at the time, my dad said another will come along, when he died my mum gave us his car to add to the car we wanted and on the way home in a car that had just been valeted and no one had been in the back, i said to my husband 'i hope my dad would approve' after we got home we found a 5 pence on the back seat - I think he helped us to choose it.

The oddest thing is that although my daughter has never 'seen' him, she has started to say granddad and when I showed her a photo of him her face lit up and she started laughing. I do believe now that she has seen him just not in the conventional way, and that is coming from a critic.

You have to believe in something. One day I think when I die my dad will be there to guide me to whatever is next for us.

There always has to be hope and if you feel lost speak to his photo and I am sure you will feel comfort.

Some of you will think I am a little mad but after the things that have happened I have an open mind as the above it only a couple of things that have gone off. Either way talk about them as that will keep their memory alive and help you.

AJ, February 2011
My sister took her own life just over 8 months ago she was only 19. Although I know she always suffered she didn't leave note and we never get to say goodbye. I get really angry and take it out on everyone around me. People tell me to 'be strong' 'it will be ok' 'I understand' but nobody understands and I they shouldn't even try. I can't talk to the rest of my family because we are all suffering and prefer to avoid the subject.

daisy, January 2011
i have felt really upset but also happy for my grandad because he was suffering and had notthing to do it was for his own good it has been 7months so far

leila, December 2010
my bampi died 23rd of augues my nan died 3 weeks ago and my dog died march the 13 2009

Chris, November 2010
I lost my grandma in feburay 24th 2010 I was devastated we new she hadn't long but it was still a big shock to me on the nite she died I went to see here not knowing and I was the last one to talk to her and I told her......... I love you I'll see you 2morrow..... But I didn't and it's killing me and I get bullied at school and sometimes I just Want to die and be able to see her and talk to her.

Reply from the Rd4U team: We are very sorry to hear about the loss of your grandma. We hope we can help. It is good that you have written this message and then other young people will reply. We have a Freephone Helpline on 08088081677 which is open from 930am to 5pm Monday to Friday. If you want to see someone from Cruse then the telephone numbers of our branches are on www.cruse.org.uk In addition to our helpline there is also Childline on 0800 1111 which is open 24 hours a day. Hope all this helps.

Ellen, November 2010
my nan and my auntiehave both died this year.my nan died in april this year 3 days after my nans funural my auntie ied and nan was 76 and my auntie was 36 they both died of canser. i felt like S*** all the time and i started to not care about anything at home or at school. i felt over looked all the time and all i really wanted to do is talk to some one my age that had been has it happend to them :( but things have moved on now i still find it hard eveyday when other people talk about there nan and the times they done and i feel like i cant :( i find my self crying a lot still. but i hope things turn out happy in the end if there is anyone that wants some one to talk to about this and is my sort of age (15) reply to me :) x

No name, November 2010
Losing my dad..
I knew my dad had been ill for a while. He was a diabetic who smoked and drinked. He died a few days after Christmas and the October before .. he sat down with me and told me his doctor said if he didn't change then he'd die within 2-8 weeks. He started crying, saying "I don't want to die!"
<BR>Seeing someone like my dad cry was heart breaking. Unfortunately, the day came and it was one of the worst days of my life. Ever.
He got buried with my sister who died as baby, and he said when alive that when the day came he'd be re-united which is nice. :)
Miss him more each day, in my opinion it doesn't get better. It's hard to get over the fact that they're not coming back.

Kristen, 14 October 2010
10 months ago today one of my friends died. I still forget sometimes, and it hits me all over again. I just want him back.

woo hoo, October 2010
we argued the day befor the friday nite too about him spending more time with his frnds i sd he puts his frnds bfor me those were my last words to him and im not mad at him he died the sunday morning thats seven months ago in a car crash two hours after his death i receive a text from his phone saying ja xacly ...''the rest i dont feel like sharing'' so did a dead person text me it cudn b a delay in network trafic cus facts r he never texts so early or like tht who can help me with tht i realy love him and i would do anything to make him alive i don wana spend my life without him im so afraid i don wana let go or except it i know god will come threw for me and for the rest that are going threw this i didnt realise how many girl young ladies women are going trew this

Amy, September 2010
My dad was seriously ill for 5 years as he was suffering with a brain tumor, he had the tumor since i was 7/8 this year he passed away, he was the closest person to me in my whole family,he was the bravest man iv'e ever met. rest in peice dad love you always xxxx

jaqueline, September 2010
yo al igual que ustedes se que se siente perder a la persona que amas mi novio lo era todo para mi,, el era mi mundo pero lamentablemente el murio en febrero de 2010 y apesar que pasan los dias los meses , no he podido recuperarme ,para mi ya no hay alegria solo finjo sentirme bien pero yo se que no es asi y que nunca lo volvere a ver,
Translation into English:
I understand just as you do, when you lose the person you love. My boyfriend was everything to me, he was my world but unfortunately he died in February 2010 and although days and months have passed, I haven't been able to recover from my loss. There is no happiness for me now, I just pretend to be ok but know that I am not and that I will never see him again.

Reply from RD4U:
Hi, Thank you for your message. we have posted the orignal message in spanish for you, as well as a translation, as most children and young people that use this service can only speak and understand english. We do not normally do translations, however, we do have someone here that can speak and write in spanish, so we were able to do this. I am not too sure if you can write in english, but was wondering if you could post future messages in english? Thank you!
Translation into spanish:
Hola, Gracias por tu mensaje. Hemos publicado tu mensaje original en español en nuestra página web, con una traducción al inglés, ya que la mayoría de niños y jovenes que utilizan este servicio sólo hablan y entienden inglés. Por lo general, no hacemos traducciones pero como hay alguién aquí en la oficina que habla español en esta ocasión lo pudimos hacer. ¿No sé que nivel de inglés tienes, pero si no lo sabes escribir, tal vez podrías conseguir quién te ayude a hacerlo? Te lo decimos porque, si nos quieres enviar otro mensaje, sería mejor que fuera en inglés para que los demás jovenes lo puedan entender. Muchas gracias

stacey, August 2010
I lost my mum over 8 months ago and it dont get easier i just get used to it i dont know how my mum died and im going to find out soon how she did i miss her more than anything it was just me and mum when ever we was together it was so fun she was my best mate everything in a shell everything on this earth to me

Chris, July 2010
My Dad died on January 2010 and im 14 now i was 13 when he died i feel depressed to this day and its just to difficult to cope with i dont know if this will get any better the last thing i said to him was dont call me back if u drunk ever again and the next day he committed suicide im so lost and i cant even cry

Jessica, July 2010
It has been just over 7 months since my mum died, it was very sudden starting from a headache which turned out to be cancer (cholangiocarcinoma- Billary duct in liver and spread to pancreas n brain which caused a bleed there) My mum didnt know she had cancer at all had no symtoms what so eva until her last days. We just thought my mum had a nasty virus :( My mum was only 54 when she died and i was 17- i don't tink there anyting stronger than a mother daughter relationship spesh at that age i really needed her most. am 18 now and ive had to do a lot of growing up as my mum aint around no more. My only problem is that i am now a massive hypachondriact always convinced i'm dieing or terminally ill :( i don't have a moter figure in my life and its awful i dnt kno how i manage to be honest! at the moment i am going through some medical procedures at the moment- nothing serious but i have had to do them without my mum which i am really proud about :). I didn't see much of my mum on her last days as she was in pain and it broke my heart i couldnt cope seeing her in pain. i just hope she knowes that i love her so much and i would give anything to have her back anyday.. miss you mummy lv u xxxxxxxxxx

Kayleigh, June 2010
My brother died in October last year. He was only 9 year old. He had a peaceful death as he died while he was sleeping due to a flu. I miss him so much its unbelievable.

Hanna, June 2010
My name is Hanna, 11 months and 13 days ago on they 5th of July 2009 at 2.40PM i lost my duaghter through forced abortion and have never been able to talk to anyone about it since she died. Her name was Kristyna (its pronounced Christina). My ex-fiance left me after being with me for 18 months, he spent 2 months telling me he wanted a family with me but left me the second he found out. My mum threathened to kick me out if I kept her and my family were going to disown me. I couldnt believe what was happening to me. My world was slowly falling to pieces. I could of made it without them and lived on benefits but it would not have been the life i wanted for her. So i went through with it and had to lie to everyone telling them it was what i wanted and how my life would be better and i had so much ahead of me, i didn't and still don't. She was my world. She still is. I lay there for six hours in Southmead hospital knowing that i had just murdered her, and for many months after i believe it was my fault but i eventually came to realise that it wasnt and i now blame the people in charge, the ones that pushed me around and shoved me into doing this. I think about her everyday, i miss my baby girl so much i just wish i could see her one last time. Thats all i could ask for in this life, thats all i deserve. Since this I have had to go back to the doctors because on her monthly anniversary i get so down and depressed and sometimes even suicidal that i cant deal with it anymore and I have been diagnosed with Post-traumatic Stress Disorder. I will never let her go or forget her but i just want to stop the pain.
Kristyna... I miss you...I just want to see you one last time and I'm sorry that we have to be apart like this but I will see you soon I can promise you that.

jess, June 2010
my great nanna has died over half a year ago now :(
i still miss her asmuch as i did when she died :(
tonight ive actually just been crying over her
and also 2 other people who have died in the past year :(
which is my neibour who died about 3 months ago, and my great grandad who died over a year ago.

i still have visions in my head when she actually passed away (i was there when she died)
and right now i dont believe the saying that time can heal pain because i just seem to be feeling worse not better!!

im 17 btw... i was 16 when she died

my great nanna died on 28th november 2009
i was 16 and we all have known for a while that she was dieing ( she was basically just dieing of old age with medical problems included, she was 93)
i was actually there when she died :(
and i regret it so much that i still didnt even say bye to her... when your in that situation you really dont know what to do.

but anyways it was really hard watching her just laying there dying because i coudnt do anything to save her, i just felt hopeless and not in control of anything.
when she did die we still stayed with her for a while till the nurse came to check that she was dead and stuff.

when i got home that day it was just like a blair ... i didnt really realise that ive just seen my nanna pass away
i just tryed to forget about it and i seemed fine it was kinda like nothing had happened

but then a month later thats when the grief started !!

squeeze, May 2010
it has been 7 months since my nanna died its all i think about she meant so much and we did so much together

No name, May 2010
My brother who was 16 had a collapsed lung and an life long illness died in hospital last year. It's been 10 months now and I really think about him and miss him all the time.

billy-ray, May 2010
well one night on thursday the 8th october my dad went out for a birthday meal because on the monday (his birthday) he would have been working. so he comes home from his meal and i go to bed the next thing i no it is about 1am on friday the 9th october and i got woken up by my step mum running up the stairs say is he breathing to my next door nabiour but he said i dont no and she was shouting wake up wake up to i get up and go into my sisters room and i could hear the paramedics trying to get him alive and then after 3-4 hours my step grandad said my dad had died. first week i was in shock and deniel and then i felt guity forgetfull and lost of other things and it has not been a year yet but still upset.

DALTON, May 2010
My name is dalton and on july the 16 2009 i lost my favirote person in the world i was 14 when my nana died now at 15 i still greive for her and im crying right now she was amazing she was funny and full of life i still cant belive she is gone at her funeral i put on sunglases so no one could see me cry men arent supposed to cry i thought but it was so overwhelming i had to i miss you nana and i love you always your favirote grandson

Sara 19, April 2010
My boyfriend was killed in a plane crash 10 months ago. He was only 24. My world fell apart and I felt totally lost, I miss him so much. I was picking my wedding dress on the internet when I was told that there had been a crash. I still go over every detail of that night - it plays on a loop in my mind, causing me to stay awake at night. However, I have learned how to put on a brave face and keep composed in public...most of the time. It's OK to break down and have a good cry though because it definitely builds up otherwise. I started uni and moved away from home 3 months after it happened, which was really hard, but I get home at the weekend and in a way it's good to escape from constant sympathy and gloom at home and keep busy for a while.If I could give you advice it would be to always talk about it with certain people you can confide in. I find talking, crying, doing exercise, singing and painting are a huge form of release and if I didn't do those things I would probably go mad! I am a Christian and know that God has comforted me and helped me through everything,I don't where I would be without Him. If I feel like I can't go on I remember that: "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" Philippians 4:13 He is always there if you need to talk to someone but don't know who to turn to, "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those whose spirits are crushed." Psalm 34:18

amanda r., Spril 2010
i was 10 and my dad didnt let me go over to my friends house and i was so mad at him that i didnt talk to him the rest of the night and then i heard my mom yelling wake up richard please wake up!so i went down stairs to see my mom crying over my dad and my brother talking on the phone to 911.it was the first time i ever saw him cry.when he saw me he handed the phone to my mom and came toward me crying harder than ever and he gave me a big hug and he wouldnt let go.i started crying immidiatly and after an hour while we were at the hospital i asked him is daddy gonna be ok?all he did was turn away.i started screaming and crying and i was trying to go see my daddy but the nuse said i was too young to see him like that.i just couldnt go back to my house after that so i stayed at a friends house for the weekend and when i came back everyone i knew was at my house well everyone except my dad.i asked my mom where he was and she told me to come in her room.i asked her again and she said he was taken away from us.just sitting there shocked out of my mind i asked very quietly hopeing my answer was wrong,daddys dead?it only took her four words:yes baby daddys dead.all i could do at that moment was cry and im now 11 today and everytime i think about it i cant help but cry and feel guilty.i was mad and him and i never told him the one night the thing i said to him every night ever sense i could talk:i love you and i still can hear him say i love u too sweetie angel.i just wish i could have told him that that one night.september 12 2009 3:04a.m.i still miss him giving me a hug everyday after school and right now i need some people to talk to about it please help me by just talking to me i really need it.my name is amanda r. and i lost my dad at 10 years old.

Beth, 2 April 2010
My dad passed away on the 29th of May 2009, i was there and it still haunts me everynight when i close my eyes to go to sleep - he was in hospital for 8 months - he had stomach ache - it was bowel cancer which could have been treated but the surgeon accidently put a hole in his bowel at the same time and left him with gangreene - it took him 8 months to die of gangreene - he went from 16 stone to 6 stone in 8 months- he spent 2 years living in a canal when he was a soilder and never caught a thing
it was horrible and he did not deserve to suffer like that - all at the hands of a surgeon
i love him and miss him so much
I WANT MY DAD

Sophie, 2 April 2010
Exactly ten months ago, my mum died from cancer. We had all known it was going to happen, so there was no sudden rush of grief when I found out. I felt guilty about that for a long time, and still do sometimes. I feel like I ought to have cried more when I found out. I realise now that, although it didn't all come suddenly, it wasn't any less than what other people have experienced. Sometimes something reminds me of her, just little things, and I find myself crying. I miss her so much.

No name, March 2010
My Dad Died 9 months ago, i was 17. My brother was at his Tutor's and me and my mum were at a concert. We found out after the concert from our close friend and neighbour. My neighbour had tried to save my dad but it was too late. I cried everyday for two weeks, my dad was the only one who tried and wanted to know me as i grew up. My mum was at a complete loss and always talks to me about how she feels and what she is feeling, my brother doesn't really seem to care and is causing more problems for us as a family. My nan and uncles try to help but just annoy my mum more. We've waited 9 months to find out the results of the post-mortem but still nothing. This just makes it harder. I have no choice but to be strong for my family as they have all come to me to talk. When i need to talk to people about how i feel, i struggle and lie about how im coping. My friends don't understand how i feel and don't realise how much im struggling with it. They just dismiss the conversations and ignore it. I've known for a while that i can't cope but asking for help, for me is really hard, i see asking for help as a weakness. Many people judge me for this but ive had to be strong for years. My best friend of 13years moved to australia 5 years ago, i had to be strong for her as she really didnt want to go. Since then ive been hiding everything that hurts and never reveal how i feel. When i do people judge me. All i want is my dad to come home and tell me that its all a lie and that everything will be okay. I've never stopped crying somedays my eyes are swollen where ive cried so much. I just want him to come home.

Lou, March 2010
My mum died from non hodgkins lymphoma. She passed on June 20th 2009 and it still as if it were yesterday. I miss every moment i shared with her and find every birthday, anniversary and now mothers day so incredibly difficult to deal with. My mother was a very inspirational and strong person to so many people, from sharing her gardening expertise or general problem solving, she was a true strength to everyone she knew. My sister lives across the other side of the world and it's made it harder the fact we are so far apart, however, we speak all of the time and share the many fun times we shared with our beloved mother. It does get easier, but every day is a battle to ensure we move on and remember in a positive way rather than the upset and tears we have shared.

hajra, March 2010
my brother diec on the 10th july 2009 and he was 18 and his brithday was on the 16th august.
my best friend diec no the 23 august 2009 she was 15 and she is going o turn 16 on the 26 of april
i miss them so much love form me

Carrieanne, March 2010
my best friend hung himself on the 4th of augest 2009

honey, January 2010
I'm 15 years old. 11 months ago my boyfriend died in a car accident, because of a drunk man. he was 19. I've been through so much pain I can't tell, but that all of you that had lost someone know and understand. My whole world come to pieces after I lost him. He was everything to me, he promised me we were going to be together forever. I still remember him every single day and I know I will remember he my whole life, he was my first love. and life continues, and you just have to keep going forward. we can keep them alive in our hearts. I know he is watching me from heaven, that he wants me to live, he wants me to be happy... I don't know if I'll be happy again, but I will live for both of us. I'll live for that love

Soph, January 2010
I lost my daddy 15th june 2009 and i miss him soo much that i just want to be with him. i have suicidle thoughts and i am self harming my self. what do i do? i cant help my strong feelings about wanting to die so much. Its making me sooo depressed. im sure my dad doesnt want to see me like this and im sorry dad! but i cant help this emotion. Please just help me! ?? i want to end this pain. xx

holly, January 2010
i lost my dad 9 months ago and i still cant move on. i hadnt seen him for 3 years and was planning on visiting him when he died suddenly of an accidental overdose. i missed him already before he died and now knowing i will never see him again, its too hard. ppl expect me to be over it already but if anything i feel worse because every day i miss him more. no one understands wat it feels like. i have lost a part of me and can never get it back...i dont know how to deal with it, sometimes i feel like i will never truely be happy again. some times i wish i had someone to talk to about it but then i dont even know wat to say anyway. i just wish i could talk to him. nothing else can make it better.

Archive of messages up to the end of 2009