personal

7 - 11 months

Henny, June 2009
Mum Died 16/06/2008, I Loved her so much it hurts every day, She was My anchor now I'm adrift. Love You Mum. XXX

No name, May 2009
7 Months ago, i got a call at work that my grandad was being taken to hospital. I was told he had adjusted badly to some new kidney pills and needed the dose readjusted. I went to be with my nan as everyone else was at the hospital. My nana is agraphobic and hasnt left her house in five years.
When my uncle arrived I wentstraight to see him, he was sitting up with only an oxygen mask to give away he wasn;t well. He was laughing and joking and tapping my hand like he had done since I can remember. I spoke to my nan after this and told her he seemed happy and not to worry. By the next morning he was in intensive care and the following day, he died. I wanted to stay with him until the end but I realised after 2 hours, I would not cope if I saw his chest stop. 5 Minutes after I left, he went.
I feel so guilty that I gave my nan the hope he was going to be fine, I feel responsible for the regret she feels for not going to see him one last time. Although she did manage to leave the house for the funeral. Which was dreadful. 3 weeks ago, my great Auntie Rene died, she had been a rock to my nan, calling her and making sure she wasnt lonely. My Nan has become very morbid, and discusses what needs to be done when she is not around anymore. My nan and I have always been close and I am the only one she says these things to. I feel like I can't look after her as well as myself.
I think I am developing an eating disorder to cope, I cant control anything in my life but it seems I can control what I eat. I have lost 1 1/2 stone and people are telling me I look ill, but I dont no how to stop.
I miss him everyday. It has made me realise he was very much the glue that held the family together, he was filling a huge hole in my heart.

amanda, April 2009
my grandad died 8 months ago now and i've been dealing with it well, by not thinking about it and keeping myself busy ive managed to somehow forget, but just latly ive been thinking about him lots. i only get really upset about it when i listen to 2 certain songs and look at his pictures, i miss him loads but i know that hes gone forever.

Sam, March 2009
My dad suicided two days before the summer holidays

a, March 2009
my dad left us in april 2008. i still cry many times in a day. i just miss him so much. everything hurts! i just want him here with me. nobody understands how i am feeling. it feels so lonely with out him. he could understand me so well and now i feel like i am all alone. i would give any thing for him to be here. my whole family is left empty!

becky, February 2009
It was a normal day for us all and my dad went of 2 play tennis, but then my mum came upstairs saying he had a heart attack so off we went into the car and halway their and my auntie just went im so sorry, and we knew then he didnt make it. My dad did have a heart attack before i was born and had a mtal heart thing inside him so he would go tic tic tic. He died on june last year and im still finding it numb. Just other day my mum found valantines day hard so i brought her a lemon cake, just not fair to see all the other people who have dads that are not their for him and i had a dad who cared, i just wish i didnt have to happen. All i want is my dad back and i know i wont get that :(

Vikki, January 2009
13.06.08 - my best friend for six years passed away, a horrid accident. I kinda blame myself, i promised i'd be out with her that night, but was too tired. If i had gone out, she'd still be here today. I wish i could turn back time, i just wanna hug her again & tell her much i love her. She was always there for me & the one time she wanted me i wasn't there. Im such a let down tbh :(. She was just 16 & had her whole life ahead of her. I miss you soo much sophie, i just want you back :( iloveyou, always. Its getting harder without you :( x

Harriet, January 2009
my mum died 10 months ago from cancer of the lungs, liver and brain. i loved her so much, and i never told her. i spent 4 years looking after her while she was ill. i don't think i'll ever be the same.
i watched her have a seizure in my house, and i had to call 999 and my dad. it was horrible, and will remain forever my worst experience. that and having to wait around for so long in hospital, waiting for her to go.
i love you so much mum, and wish you were here. always.

No name, January 2009
While i was away working in austria on my winter season i found out my dad passed away in Feb 2008. I lost a very close friend who knew what to say to make some situations easier to handle . I have just now experence all the firsts with out him . the recent one was my birthday . Im finding it hard to try and be happy . Cant talk to my mum or anyone else in my familly i dont want to upset them so i worked away on seasons so that i can sort head and what i want .

No name, January 2009
My mum died in May 2008. I am 16 and we had only known about the cancer for 2 weeks before she died. I was really close to her and I know it has nearly been 8 months since her death, but I am still coming to terms with her death and I am starting to realise that she is not going to come back. My dad has started to date and I dont want my mum to be replaced. I find it hard to talk to my dad and I feel alone. I was used to talking to an adult woman everyday but now my mum has died I feel really alone. I hope it gets better soon because I really miss her and I dont like my life at the moment.

Sophia, 19 December 2008
My brother daniel died bk in may the 6th this year im findin it so hard without him && he was only 21 n i am finding it so hard coming up 2 christmas And his birthday is on decemer the 30th

Mike, 8 December 2008
My Dad passed away in April of 2008. He was sick for a long time, and it took me at least 3 months to get to feeling normal. It's now December and with holidays coming, it feels like i'm dealing with it all over again, only this time it feels , I hate to say it, sadder feelings.

With X-Mas time a 'family time', I am finding it hard to relate with other people's happy holiday plans. I know that this year's X-Mas will be hard. My mom is travelling to see my brothers and sisters this year, only because in year's past she hasn't been able to travel b/c of taking care of Dad.

Why am I feeling sad over seeing her.? I know it's because I know that she is here b/c of one circumstance. Thats what makes me less thankful and still sad about what I don't have.

Georgia, December 2008
My Brother Died The Other Month-May This Year. It Was The Hardest Thing I Have Ever Experienced. I Also (This Year) Lost My Great-Grandma And Great-Grandad And My Grandad. All I Want To Do Is To Be With Them...It's Hard And I Would Never Wish It Upon Anyone. Georgia X

No name, November 2008
my dad died earlier this year. i could not believe it, he was my best friend, he was awesome. i feel lost and alone without him. he was my mums soulmate and shes just fallen apart without him. he was such a great guy, and i cant believe hes gone. its just me my mum and my two sisters now, so we're just a family of girls. we need a man, but not just any man, its dad we need. we need him back, but we cant have him back. i cry every night. i cant believe there are this many tears inside me! i have to try and be strong for my family but its so hard. all my friends are going out and having fun but i just stay at home because i cant bear to leave my mum. she's so amazing for putting up with it. i like to come on this website cos its a place where i realise other people are going through the same thing, or worse than me. x

Laura-Jane, October 2008
he was one of my closest, best friends. it was months ago now but i still feel completely numb; there are rare times when i realise what happened and cry for hours, but most of the time i forget he's gone. i still call his mobile and then realise what happened when it doesnt connect, i still expect to see him every day.

No name, October 2008
10 months after my mum died
i still can't go to the grave for longer than 10 minutes. im not the same person and i can't ever see myself getting back to how i was. i was the loudest, the most confident, the one always up for a laugh. i always valued my friends and family above anything else. but since she died all i have done is push the people who care about me away. i also get really paranoid all the time that people around me will die. there were a lot of family complications in the year running up to her death, they were never resolved. i will never frgive myself for how things ended, there is not a day when i dont cry. when does it end?

Charlotte, October 2008
Well... My Granny died of alzheimers in march 07. It was terrible. They just forget everything. They don't recognise you anymore. My lovely caring Granny was now just a lifeless person. And then my Grandad died of cancer in October 07, and then my Nan in November 07.

It is the most horrible thing anyone will have to go through. It has been almost a year since my Grandad died and I still miss them all everyday.

There is moments when you will be doing something and just have flashbacks to memories with them, or a certain song will come on. And it feels like no one around you understands. And it is true, they don't! But what I found easiest was just going to my room, watching some cheesy films and crying. Let it all out.

And talk about them. Don't keep it all caged up. I kept a diary, and everytime I remembered something about them I wrote it down because I was so terrified I would forget them.

janet, October 2008
my dad died 11 months ago,since then i have not been the same person,i miss him so much, more than my family know.I was so close to my dad from the minuite i open my eyes in the morning, till i go to bed.I did go to his grave at first did everything that i could do, to make it a lovely resting place for him,now i cant bring my self to go there at all.I feel my life has been torn apart.People do say he is around me all the time, i do believe he is,but it is not the same i just want to see him one more time.Iknow we will be together again one day.Ilove and miss him with all my heart, and will till the day i die.love Janet xx

Elisabeth, September 2008
MY FATHER DIED IN FEBURARY 2008 OF MOUTH CANCER.

hannah (11 months on)
now it has been 11 months it is worse than it has been now i am in year 8 my emotions are starting then going but i don't know what is causing me to start being upset but now i know it is growing up with out my mum.

claire, 4 September 2008
i lost my dad in january 2008, he was my whole world and i was his! never did i think in a million years that he would leave me in this world all alone! he found out he had cancer 11months previous, they said he only had 2 months max to live, being the man who he was he refused to except this, the doctors were amazed he was so well and never had one complaint, after every chemo session he would go to the pub and be up dancing all night, then i would get the call at 11 o'clock im ready to go home now, i could never complain i loved spending every spare minute with him, as the days went on and the chemo stopped i could see him falling away from us, but just like him i refused to except this! i couldn't sleep neither eat, i cried every woken hour but never in front of him( he didn't like us too)
my last christmas breaks my heart he got everything he wanted like he always did ha ha,but he soon got tired and went to bed i lay with him that night just watching silly tv looking into his beautiful blue eye's, god how much i miss them eyes.
it has been 8 months now and hurts like it was yesterday! i would give up anything and everything, even sleep on the streets if i could have my dad back!

christie, August 2008
My nana died and i wish i had appreciated her more when she was alive. she is and was the most important person to me. im so stupid and i love her. i didnt even talk to her when she was in the bed with cancer. and now i need her. but i wasnt there when she needed me so i dont deserve help. her last words were about me and i didnt even tell her i love her. and now i wish i could die to be with her. but we all know thats not the right thing to do even if i feel like it is. dont help me. just leave me suffer for what i did please. this happened at the end of last year and continues to this day.

Holly, August 2008
my dad. [7 months on]
three weeks from his 61st birthday.
four days before christmas.
thirteen days before my birthday.
complete shock.
i feel like 7 months on i am the only one that remembers he's gone.
everyday i look at his empty chair.
i see his un opened xmas present sat by where the tree used to be.
i feel pain everyday, i cant live without him.
i feel like i could leave the present now even my family here just so i could be with him.
i had the worst year before and my dad's death just topped it all off.
i just wanted him to be there for me to turn 17, to see me learn to drive, to hold my sisters baby one last time, to see his love for mum once.
i wanted him to comfort me and tell me things would be ok. i still feel all these raw feelings now.
i cant talk about it though, because noone knows what to say and they all seem to have forgotten.
x

Anon, August 2008
It's been 7 months since my great-grandpa died and I miss him so much. People say that talking makes grieving better but everyone in my family seems to have gotten over it...and it feels like it's just me who remembers him. I dont cry in front of other people instead I cry at night in my room where no one can see me. I don't know how to deal with this and for the past seven months i've just been trying to forget about it. Is that forgetting about it grieving? My mum says I have to move on but it's easier said than done. Hopefully this website will have some answers and I hope so because I miss him so much and I don't want to feel sad anymore.

toots, July 2008
i lost my mum on new years day, i miss her so much, the doctors thought she had that bug that was going around at christmas, but like normal they got it wrong. it's her birthday in two weeks..my birthday was last month and it was rubbish, i went away on holiday too escape..but it didn't work..i didn't get sung happy birthday down the phone..the little pointless presents..the questions...nothing is the same, i miss her advice with my garden this year it is rubbish, i miss her annoying calls all the time, her singing out of tune, her voice, her fuzzy hair. i miss her helping me. worse still my dad has found another woman three months ago, it's hard. i'm sat here typing this and listing to the song that she said was my song, i can her her singing it in my head

hannah, July 2008
my mum died on the 12th october at 43 years old of cancer but the doctors said that she was going to be fine but it came back three months later but this time it was much worse than before because she had a seizure and after that she was only at home for nine days and the last time I saw her was two days before she died and my world fell apart.

Jess, 30 June 2008
One of my oldest and best, passed away on the 22nd october 2007 unexpectedly. I found it hard to deal with because I just couldn't get it to register in my brain, sometimes when I scroll through my phone and his numbers there I hover over the button, then remember. As I felt myself getting on track in april, another friend was killed in a cycling accident on her way home from college, this effected a larger amount of my friends so we all were able to support each other and attempt to deal with it. At the time I felt guilty, and still do, because I felt like I was crying for my other friend too even though I should have been concentrating on her death, if that makes sense? As things began to improve slightly again, on June the 16th, another of my best friends, who was finding it unbearably difficult to cope, (she lost her dad and our friends in a short space of time) decided to take her own life.

Suddenly I felt my emotions sort of dissapear. I didn't cry at the funeral hardly, and I havn't cried since. I feel like i'm slowly going crazy and that I just cant get any lower, but I feel that i've reached this point where my emotions have shut down to prevent me feeling anymore. What's begining to scare me is when I get a really strong emotion, I over react and shout at someone who doesn't deserve it. So now i'm begining to push people away because I dont want to hurt them and I dont want them to die and hurt me.

Chelsea, June 2008
I lost my auntie on the 15th of july 07. She was in a car crash on the motorway. I still dont believe it has happened, I still expect her to walk in her door from work. Its her birthday on the 16th of June and its going to be really hard because we always had a party for it. I didnt know what to do when I found out and I still dont! People tell me it will get easier but it aint. It hit me the worst i think because I was closest to her out of everyone in my family. She was my auntie yes! But she was more like my mum
iloveu and missu SOOO much xxxxxxxxxxx

Reese, June 2008
I lost my Father on August 9th, 2007. It stings everyday like an open wound with salt pouring into it. I know everyone grieves differently. I was very close to my dad and was alone with him in the hospital when he died. My family was at home resting. I don't know if he accepted God and is in Heaven. I don't know if he is okay. I try and focus on the good things but end up delaying the grief of loss. I avoided all the things that would remind me of him until now and it simply hurts. I have never cried so much in my life for anyone except my Dad. I want him back. I'm mad at God for taking him even though I shouldn't be. I still believe in God but why so much pain? Because he died for our sins? Is grieving a sin? I hope not. I Love You Dad! Now and always, your son. Reese

michelle.xxx, 16 May 2008
my brave dad died on 21 sep 07 from a terminal illness witch he had been suffering with for 17 years.the thing is i was happy for my dad when he passed because i couldnt watch him suffer any more and it is what he wanted to go and not be in a boby riddled with pain and i loved him with all my heart and when that day came it broke my heart because i knew he wasnt in pain anymore and the thought that i would never see him again tore me apart but i kept strong for his sake because i was daddys girl and i held my head high for him.yes the funral was very hard but i knew my dad was beside my helping me to go on and to this day 8 months on i do have the odd cry because i miss him dearly but then i think of him being a free spirit now doing things he could not do in his life down here and yes sometimes i think i can sence him next to me so i would just like to say thank you dad and i am greatly proud of you.my love always michelle.my dad geoff died 21-9-07.

jordan, May 2008
sept. 10,07 one of my best friends and another friend of mine were giving alex my boyfriend a ride so he could go see his friend and if i didnt have to work i would have been with them. he texted me seven mintues before what he was to beleived to died. it wsa raining and they hydro planed adn she slammed on the breaks they rolled and flipped several times he didn't have his seat belt on or he would have probably lived. he hit his head on the roof of the explorer and broke his neck adn died instantly then he was thrown from the vehicle.... this was seriously the worst day of my life and not a day goes by that i dont think about him. every little thing reminds me of him and that is all i can do is hold on to the good things that we shared. but things slowly get less stressful but i will never once stop missing him!!!

Rebekah, April 2008
My Best friend from we were three took her own life in june 07, its nearly a year and i miss her soo much.. im lost without her.. 12 years of freindship and im on my own :( she was beautiful, stunning, blonde with huge blue eyes. Althought she just couldnt hack it anymore.. i do believe she is in a place with no pain i just dont understand why.. i was the last one with her and nothing was different.. I miss you sooo much princess...xxxxx

Courtny, 18 April 2008
I loved my grandma so very much and I lost her on Spet 9,07 it was the hardest thing.i miss her so very much

amy, April 2008
my name is amy i am 22 i lost my mum on 8,8,07 and i had my baby on the 22,8,07 they just missed one of othey (sorry 4 my spellin its not good)she die of caner she was 43 she was my best friend n still is i look after my brother now who is 16 they was only us my mum did a lot 4 us she was the best i just wish she see my baby but i no she will be lookin down i dont no how 2 put down how i fill but u cant and i am sorry again 4 my spellin and i love her so much and i wiah i said i love her 4 the last time xx

Stacey, March 2008
Well i lost my nan when i was 8. So i experianced death when i was younger. It was about 2 in the morning christmas eve. The phone rang. Being young i thought it was santa saying he was cuming. But it was my aunty crying. My nan was only going to live for the next hour. So we went to say our goodbyes. Got to the side of her bed to say my goodbye "nan it's stacey i love you so much and i will miss you but dont forget me and i will never forget you...Gooodbye" And the doctor said it's time and thats when she left me. Christmas was the worst. I was so so close to my nan. And now 6 years later still cry myself to sleep cos i miss her...
I lost my grandad 7 months ago. I didn't get to say goodbye. I was not told he was going to die. But i said bye to my nan so i had to say goodbye to my grandad even though it was his body.But i never felt so alone in my life.My grandad was like everythink to me.Now i'm left with no one. It's like my heart has been ripped out my body and i'm just about living. I don't know what to do. I get flashbacks of the time i said goodbye. I just want him back so much. So i turned to selfharm for a way out. It was a mistake. Now i cannot stop cos it makes me feel better And helps me with my other problems.
I'm sorry if you are experianceing death and lose. Just don't turn to selfharm it's makes things worse.

R.i.p nan and grandad i love you forever.

Much love stacey (14)

Nicole, March 2008
On the 29th augest i had a terrifying experience because my baby sister died.And this experience was the worst because i brock my family we were all ever so upset.My baby sister sophier was born 3 month and 4 days early.Sophie died from a uiral infection.There were no sign`s that sophie was going to die but sadly she did and i miss my baby girl so much i love u baby xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx lots of love baby girl from your big sis Nicole xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

amanda, 19 March 2008
my mom died when I was 19. She died of breast cancer. But a stroke hit her 3 weeks before she died, and she was confined to bed, and forgot who I was. It was heartbreaking. I have nightmares constantly. I held her hand as she died. It's been 7 months...and 6 days. It hasnt gotten easier.

Katie, March 2008
My Dad committed suicide 7 months ago in july 07 and i find it hard to talk about my feelings to anyone. I loved my dad so much and was very close to him. I lived with him since the age of 10 and dnt really have any other family. I feel that i no longer have any motivation to do anything- i just wanna sit around all day, i dropped out of college and feel my life has stopped since he died. I have constant pictures in my head of when it happened and when i found him, i feel like i could of done more to help him. See Katie's poem, Dear Dad!

Shelley, March 2008
My sister Helen was MURDERD larst May by a 13 and 16 year old boys i wouldnt call them boys there is no words i can say about them what heart ack they have put me and my famiely true me and my sister was ever so close i still cant belive she is gone really i look at her photow and cry the pain i cant even tell becouse i have never spoke about it my self and naw im haveing a baby its all happend so farst but ive got to be strong for my baby but life is so hard please some one write bk and give me some advice thank you

LORENA, February 2008
SEVEN MONTHS MY BOYFRIEND WAS WORKING ON MY CAR AND IT KILLED HIM. I FELT LIKE A PART OF ME DIED, TO THIS DAY I JOURNAL, BUT I ALWAYS ASK HIM IF HE KNOWS WHERE MY SOUL IS AT?, IF I WILL EVER GET IT BACK? I CAN LIVE ON REGRETS BUT ALL I CAN DO IS LEARN FROM OUR RELATIONSHIP, LIFE IS TOO SHORT AND MOST OF US TAKE THAT FORGRANTED, LIKE THE SAYING GOES"YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE UNTIL YOU LOSE IT"

jordan, February 2008
my dad died about 7 months ago in july 2007
i got up like any other day mum and step dad sat me and said we ve got some news for you about 1000 ideas of what it could be come into my head but i never expected them to say your dad died i decided to try and tough the day out at school and try and take my mind off it i got there and it just tore me apart and i ended up going home with my mum and relaxed for the rest of the day and cried it out bit by bit i felt angry annoyed and upset that i never spoke to him for a few months before hand i still find it hard to cope at certain times

No name, February 2008
my baby brother died in june. jus two days old..its not fair...i no people may say wel u didnt get to know him but thts just it i felt like i had known hm thwhole 9 months he was in my mums tummy....nd then he was jus taken away...i dnt live with my mum nd she gets rely depresed all the time so im always worrying bout her. its hard tryin to keep everyone happy i cnt show ow i feel coz im too busy tryin to make sure everyone else is ok

Anns, January 2008
It has now been over 10 months now since I lost my little sister. She was only 13. I miss her so much. Everyday I think about her and I am thinking about something different everyday. Even though it is 10 months since she died, I still miss her soo much. She was my little sister and always will be.

No name, January 2008
i lost my boyfriend, about 8 monts ago, he was the love of my life, my best friend, and the person i had hoped to spend the rest of my life with. he died in a car accident, i was driving. the sight of him, in so much pain, is something that no one should ever experience. he passed right next to me, screaming, baby please wake up, i love you so much, im so sorry, i tried my hardest to wake him up. but no responce. as time goes by, the pain is still there, as intense as ever.
i found my self asking god every day, "why did this happen, what did he do wrong", i have realized that god has a plan for everyone, it may end up tragic, like mine, but its his plan.
having faith, is the only thing that has kept me alive.
there have been days, where i have just wanted to die, having dreams of the wreck happening all over again then waking up in the middle of the night, screaming, is terrifying, and most times i will not go back to sleep for 2 days, scared of seing the wreck again.
he was the best thing that has ever happened to me, and i consider my self blessed to have loved him, although i lost him.
all the pain i am going through now, its all for a reason, i may go 30 years without knowing what it is, but i know there is one.
i have faith in the lord, and trust him.

for those of you who have experienced something like this, i am sorry, but dont give up, it may seem so hard at times, but keep holding on.

Helen, Jauary 2008
My lovely 21 year old cousin died in June 2007 in a tragic accident, he was no Angel but again he was no bad guy. He lived with my Grandma, god knows how she feels as I feel absolutely terrible most days. He always got what he wanted in a round about way, I can remember taking him shopping when he was about 11 to get his first pair of kickers, they were £60 back in those days a lot of money when I was just earning over £400 per month. But I believed he needed them for the "image thing" at school so he got them....My grandma continued to provide for him and he never went without. Evisu and the lot, he went to Turkey with his Girlfriend Amanda, they saved real hard to pay for the holiday, I panicked for two weeks wondering if they would be ok???I texted them and got some lovely replies about the good times they were having.
I pray he is in peace some where.
All my love always Rich, Helen xxxxxxx

Archive of messages up to the end of 2007