personal

2 - 6 months

Ailish, 22 November 2011
My daddy died on may the 5th 2011.Daddy died in his sleep.I loved daddy so much and dad was the best.

C, 20 November 2011
I've had quite a few loved ones pass and i'm only 14. I guess in a way it has made me stonger as a person, but it doesn't mean I don't miss them every single day. My neighbour, Nan, Great-nan, Aunt, Cousin and Great-aunt have all died in the space of 5 years. When my Nan died, I just didn't know how to react or speak really. I spent hours locked in my room crying, yet my parents thought I was doing homework or watching TV. I hated life and began self-harming and things spiraled out of control. Then another bombshell hit me, then another and another and another. I felt alone and upset, and still do. With GCSEs coming up, I really need to somehow cope with this, but I can't. The most recent death was my Neighbour, and that was 4 months ago. Rest in peace xxx

Janette, 8 November 2011
My Mum died suddenly in June 2011. She went to the loo and her heart stopped. Dad was in the next room and feels bereft because there was nothing he could do. Not even say goodbye. And I miss my Mum so much. My brother and sister have been awful towards me since Mum's passing, which only makes things worse. She was beautiful. She made everything perfect. Nothing will ever be the same.

No name, 23 October 2011
i lost my boyfriend to a brain tumor three months ago, it hurts more than anything and i don't know how i'm going to cope without him, he was all i had and all i wanted, they say it will slowly get better but i just pretend hes still here, grieve in your own way and don't listen to people who make you feel worse because they have no idea. i miss him more than anything.

ameco, 23 October 2011
i hate to talk about it
it is really hard allot of my friends don't know my problem
some of them do cause there mamas and others have died
, my mum died
it was really hard for me
but i bet it was harder for my brother cause he is a bit older than me.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

No name, 20 October 2011
in january 2011 my dad was diagnosed with liver cancer. He was 60 years old. He was told there was nothing they could do to cure him. He did everything that doctors recommend you to do like exercise. Eat healthy. Dont smoke. And he only had a drink once a month. He was what my son calls iron man. He was our hero. He me and my brothers watched him pass away in hospital on june 24 2011. And his funeral was 8 days before my 30th birthday. 4 months later and i still cant deal with that he has gone. Its killing me inside. I think i might need help. Im pushing my partner away. Cus its like no one else knows how i feel. I feel so alone. I miss my dad very very much. If only you could turn back time and change things. . No one knows the un known and thats whats scary. I hope he is watching down on us all. Dad i love and miss you so much and forever in my heart you will stay. Sleep tight till we meet again x x x x

callum, 12 October 2011
IT has been 6 and a hafe mounths since my dad died if been so sad since he died if I what A grat man he was

Rachel, 26 September 2011
My auntie died 4 months ago. I miss her so much.
R.I.P liz xxxxxxxxxx

Heather, 13 September 2011
My dad died suddenly a few months ago. It feels like yesterday. I re live the moment the police stopped me from going into the room, seeing him lying there lifeless. I still feel so empty and lost without my daddy. I dont talk about it, i carry on and paint a smile on my face every day pretending im ok. I only cry when im alone and im hurting so much. I want him back so much xxx

Danni, August 2011
My Dad passed away nearly 18 weeks ago and I feel lost and wanna know why my Dad was taken away from me but the only person who can answer that question is the person who took him away from us all.But now I know it wasnt my fault it happened due to an asmatha attack and im ever soo glad it wasnt my fault as I would have to live with that amount of guilt.I need to talk to people I dont know so I can talk more to someone I dont know but feel happy to talk to. See Danni's message on the board

stephanie, August 2011
My boyfriend passed away Feb 27,2011 along with one of my close friends. they were both in the same car my friend died instantly at 2:54 and my boyfriend died at 9:30 that same day. I had talked to my boyfriend just 30 min before the accident i didn't get a chance to kiss him or say I love you he had just turned 20. Im only 17 and i still cant get over it my friends have helped alot but my life is not the same when they told me he was gone i wanted to go with him. i was upset at the world mostly god for taking the person i needed the most. I still miss him, his laughter, his smile, his touch, I know things will get better but I still miss him.

Zuzu, July 2011
On Easter of 2011, I was at my friends house when my mom called me and told me "We need to go to the hospital." I knew instantly. My friends mom rushed us to Swedish, I walked into the room not knowing what to expect. I saw my grandpa. He turned around with tears in his eyes and told me what was going on. My grandma had asked him to take her to the hospital late late night because her stomach pains were so unbearable. I don't remember what she had for I didn't like to think of it, it made me sad. I looked over at her. She had her favorite wig on, for she was on chemotherapy. I saw her eyes. It scared me. I had no emotion. Her eyes frantically zoomed around the room. It looked as though she had no control. I wanted her eyes to stop on me, to say something. To understand. Then I noticed as her nurse came in. Her loyal nurse. Everytime she was admitted she hoped to get this nurse. Dawn, loved my grandmother. They where good friends and often talked about me. I watched her face as she came in to administer more pain meds to my grandmother. Her face was sullen as she came to me and held me in a gentle embrace which seemed to last forever. Soon more people started to arrive. My mom, my dad, her dearest friend Marrie, who came in trying to speak above tears, its ok Moonie, I'm here. I got you. Moonie being her most common nickname My grandfather said I should hold her hand. I went over to the bed and took her hand. I was scared. I never thought she, a Nazi and cancer survivor would die. I froze. No tear came from my eye. I pondered why. I couldn't figure it out. She moved her head often side to side, side to side. I watched as the clock ticked on and on. Wondering when her agony would end. Finally, she stopped fussing and lay still, a mixture of blood and other things came out of her mouth. My mother cleaned her. I watched as she slowly let go of my hand as it fell from the bed. I had hoped she would have taken my last mental message. "Im sorry for this grandma, I want you to know, I will ALWAYS love you." my grandfather left the room and told them time of death. He went to set up transportation and things. I watched and tried to shut her eyes but they did nothing.Now as I lie in the guest bedroom of my fathers parents, I cannot call my other grandmother grandma, it simply makes me too sad. But the thing that really got to me was this: I never got a chance to say goodbye. I pulled away from her in her last couple months. I now, fully understand the magnify of death. This everlasting feeling of pain. Like being stabbed in the heart. It hurts. I never cried about it until recently. Now I fully understand.
Thank you for your time reading this. I feel slightly relieved to share my story with others.
Zuzu,
age, 13

kirstiee age 13, July 2011
about 6 months ago on the 4th december 2010 my cousion died at the age of 4 months it had a big impact on me and i am still trying to cope he died m=from a disease he was born with but he never seemed ill the doctors didnt pick it up and nor did we he seemed such a happy baby and occasionly looked sad but we thought that was normal i still feel like it was partly my fault i havnt been to his grave as im too scared and i dont know how i would deal with it
iloveyouusoomuch... your were such a little angel youu still are and you will always live on in my heart you are such a beautifull baby and youu always will be a beautifull little boy<3

No name, June 2011
i lost my boyfriend february this year and life has gone down hill. i'm never happy or when i am i am quickly put back into being unhappy knowing i'm never going to see him again. he was not only my boyfriend he was my best friend and my world and he was always there whenever i needed him, now i have noone and i just feel empty and so mortified that i find myself in my room crying for days on end. i miss you<3

soph, June 2011
my grandma died 6 months ago from bowl cancer she only went into hospital for a check up and didn't come out again. it was a cold morning of 18/12/10. snow covered the cold ground when we set off to see grandma in hospital. i didn't like going one bit. grandad was as the door of Lincoln hospital waiting and i ran up and hugged him tightly. we went through a maze of corridors to find my grandma. we found her she was sad, the colour had gone from her cheeks and her eyes were all dull. my sister and mum went to talk to her first as she couldn't deal with too many people crowding around her, then it was my dad and brothers turn and then finally mine, grandma was quiet and it upset me, it's upsetting writing this now, we talked about school and my new boyfriend and just before i turned to go she got hold of my hand and i sat back down and the last thing she ever said to me was "I'll always love you and never forget that" and i never will. when we got home my mum told me that grandma had got cancer and there was nothing the doctors could do. we got a phone call about 2 hours after and i heard my mum screaming, mum came in the room and told us "grandma's died" we all screamed then the pain of it was horrendous "her breath had quickened and she closed her eyes and said goodbye" she had grandad, uncle Andrew and aunty Sharron with her. she was my best friend i could tell her everything. i still haven't come to terms that she's gone yet, i miss her so much but i keep telling myself that my grandma has just gone on holiday for along time and that I'll be joining her soon. i love you Kathleen my grandma you're always in the centre of my heart and you'll always have a piece of my heart with you by God's side up in heaven above nothing can get rid of my love for you grandma <BR>lots and lots and lots of love to you grandma <BR>love, Sophie, XXXXXXXXXX

Chloe 17, June 2011
My mother died to Breast Cancer on the 16th of January 2011. Even though i know that she is truly gone and is not coming back its like my brain wont click. Its been nearly five months and even though i cry sometimes, the rest of the time i am happy, almost overly happy. I want to be able to deal with my mums death but i dont know how to if i dont feel that sad. Its almost like i exoect her to come back.

jemma, June 2011
my dad died six months ago just before Christmas we wasn't always close but I knew he loved me and I loved him since he`s gone i haven't felt like he's gone it just feels like we've had an argument or something people are saying that I should just move on with my life but I don't wont to I just wont him back here with me it was so much easer when we was arguing because at least we were speaking I haven't lived with him for 5 years but its just making it hard because I missed out on so much time with him

No name, May 2011
Its been just over 6 months since i lost my beautiful boyfriend in a car accident. There isnt five minutes that go by without me thinking about him. I feel like ive lost everything, he was my whole world, my bestfriend, and my soul mate. We had our whole lives planned out together and we were only just beginning that journey! Im just completly devasted at losing him as were both so young. There are so many eeryday things that have completly changed and became harder that you wouldnt even think. Ive found people either dont talk about it or say insentive or stupid things thinkin that their helping. I really dont know how im goin to get through this and i still find it unbelieveable that i ve made it from that day to this. It really is just a matter of taking it a day at a time :(

No name, May 2011
Breast Cancer
I lost my mom to breast cancer almost 6 months ago, she was diagnosed with it 4 years ago and they had told her that she was all clear, but because in Britain they don't do full body scans for people with breast cancer they missed that the cancer cells had moved to round her intestines. We found out she'd got the cancer again and she was moved to a hospice and within 6 weeks she was gone. I'm grateful for the chance to say goodbye but I feel very frustrated about the fact she may have been able to fight it if they'd given her a full body scan checkup - like they do in the rest of europe.
As selfish as I sound, its my birthday next week, and also it will be 6 months since she died, I'm getting very stressed about it, I don't want to have my birthday without her, it just feels wrong, my sisters are pushing me into spending it with them but they both remind me of her so much I don't think I will handle it. I just want her back for an hour just to sit and hold her hand again. I'd give anything to do that.

Esther, April 2011
My mum died on February 10th 2011, about 2 and a half months ago. She died really unexpectedly from swine flu, pheumonia and previously undiagnosed leukemia. She went into hospital on the thursday, and a week later at 4:45 am she died. I'm 18 years old, and find it really difficult to take on my mum's role of looking after my house, as well as looking after my dad. Thankfully I have fantastic friends and the most amazing boyfriend to help me through.

Sophie, April 2011
I was 13 when my dad passed away, 5 months ago. It seems like it hasn't been longer than a few days. I think about him every day and wish that he was here. It's really draining but I hate people saying that I should move on, because sometimes I just want to wallow in my sadness. Sometimes I wish life could stop for me. It gets a bit overwhelming after a while, and being around people, acting like I'm ok is so frustrating.

Katie, 31 march 2011
I was 18 when my Grandad passed away 4 months ago and i still get really upset when i think that i will never see him again. A few months before he died he started Dyalisis and things eventuly started to get better until that saturday morning. I think that it is all my fault i had a dream that my nan and auntie were sat in their lounge crying over him because was dead, the phone woke me it was my nan ringing saying he had a heartattack and they where trying to resusitate him, i just knew it was no good. I've spent the last four months trying to look after my nan and my auntie, i was practically living at their house so they weren't alone, they still won't sleep upstairs because that is where he died. I became more and more tired, i had a car accident and started failing assignments, everything was goning downhill! I still feel i have only made little improvement, it hurts so much to think that he is gone, i can't remember how many times i have broken down in tears. I just want him back! I love you grandad xxxxx

Georgia, 27 March 2011
My dad committed suicide on the 6th Jan 2011, I am still grieving and am struggling to be strong for my mum and my 1 year old sister. I feel sick and tired all the time and I Feel hopeless all the time!! I blame myself! Has anyone else been through something like this?!?! xxx thank you xxxxx

Tora, March 2011
My dad committed suicide 15th november 2010. He was 46, I was 15. He'd tried a couple of months before but we thought he was getting better. Turns out he had clinical depression, and that's why I know he couldn't of been helped. He won't see me finish my last year of school, start college, have children of walk me down the aisle. The things I so badly want him back for. I miss him mostly in the mornings because he was always there when my mum went to work. I love my dad no less, in fact more since he's gone, and I'm proud to be known as his daughter.

Louise, March 2011
My Mum died 5 months ago.I was 23 then. I've been feeling really sad this week more than usual, not really sure why. I'm so scared of forgetting anything, so all day she's on my mind, things she said, did, songs she liked, days out we had, it makes me feel closer to her.

I was an only child and didn't live with my Dad, so it's like I'm the only one in the world who remembers my childhood and I'm so worried that I might forget things.

she died really suddenly of a heart attack. Things which have helped me is remembering our last holiday and last phone call, we spoke for a lot longer than usual. I have met new members of my family and actually have a relationship with my Mum's sister which I've never had before, which is something positive to have come out of her death.

Think I'm feeling more down because it's mothers day soon. I will probably be with my girlfriend's family for the day...... think i would rather on my own though, maybe go to her grave or something.

I do get days where I can smile about memories we had, and think of her and feel happy, just trying to think that she would hate to see me upset...........

Just trying to cherish time with my girlfriend, Dad, pets, family and other friends, don't ever want to take anything for granted.
Miss you Mum xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Becca, March 2011
a few months back i had to experience my mum passing away as she lost her battle with cervical cancer. i was there the whole time, i even saw her take her last breath. I didnt hit me straight away, it took time to get used to the fact that she was actually gone. and i still havent accepted it. its been 5 months now and i still feel like i cant cope without my mum, cause she wasnt just a mum..she was my bestfriend, my soulmate. but now shes gunna have to play the role of being my guardian angel. I love you mum, R.I.P XxXxXx

Aadial, March 2011
When i was 11 my brother passed away. He passed away when he was 15.
The date he passed away was on 28th of october 2010. It has been 5 months so far and i dont now how i cope. I dont really like talking about it becuase i get really upset. Somedays i will just be happy and be laghuing with my friends but other days i will be alone crying in a corner. One of my friends has excperianced it before and helps me get throught it. I thank her really much. My advice to the people reading this is Just keep your head high and try to be strong.I also have a learning mentor called sorya and she helps me and my friend rihannion get throught the grief we have. I sometimes feel angry and say why does it have to happen to me? y cant it happen to someone else. The doctors still dont know how my brother died but when my mum and dad went to court the doctors said they think that it is becuase he had a brain hemarege.

zak, March 2011
my little brother died on the 5th of september 2010 he was 1 1/2 and it was sudden death so there is no reason it makes me very sad as im only 10 yrs old

Melinda, January 2011
My grandmother pasted away on the 17th Sept 2010 4 months ago. She was my best friend and like my mum. I would speak to her everyday and see her everyweekend. She only whe. In for a knee replacement she had the op and I went o visit her the day after and she was doing well I left her bedside saying I love you nan all you need to do is recover now. She kisse me back and said see you tomorrow Lyn. 6 hours late I got a phone call to get tithe hospital asap I knew in my heart she was gone. I was told at the hositpal she fell asleep and never woke up. When I was told that I felt like someone as ripped my heart out I felt like at that moment in time I was dying. My grandmother was and still is my world. I don't know how to deal with the lost. I sleep with her pillow and I have her tea cup even her hair brush with her hair in it by my bed. I dream about her everynight. I talk to her everyday and miss her so much. All I want is a cuddle from her and for her to tell me it's all ok. I don't know how to move on without her. I love you nana gwenny xxx

Sam, January 2011
Its only been 5months but is seams like years since i last saw my brother alive i miss him so muctch he was only nine and christmas has just passed i miss him so much

No name, 20 December 2010
my dad died about two and a half months ago from pancreatic cancer. we found out he had it 3 weeks before he died. it happened so fast, nothing feels real. everytime the phone rings a voice in the back of my mind thinks it's him. i'm 18, and heading to college this fall. i always thought he'd be there to help me, and i need him so much. everyone tells me what a great man he was, and how much he loved our family. i feel so bad because i feel like i didn't let him know enough how amazing i thought he was. i don't know how to deal with this.

Kira, 18 December 2010
She died 24th Augest about four months ago. She was the greatest person. And I'm not just saying that even when I was alive I would say to my mum I am so lucky! She was excellant and SO healthy it makes no sense. She helped me be who I am. Now I misbehave and make my mum and family fight and all get upset but it's like I'm not controlling myself. She died to a massive heartattack (massive means it couldn't be predicted or stopped) She used to be great at everything and was only 58 years old! Christmas won't be the same this year. I just don't want to live without her! I look exactly like her and everytime I look in the mirror I feel I don't deserve to have inherited these looks and beautiful curly hair when I'm not a nice person. Somehow I'm still doing good at school but my friends have sort of gave up on me, I'm like a zombie when they talk to me I can't make anything interesting come out. I've just started high school and on my first week was pulled out of maths to be taken to reception. I really thought I had done something bad, although I amen't one to be noticed in that way. Thoughts were racing through my head, my heart picked up, my heart started racing, my legs going jelly......I walked into reception to my tear-streaked dad and sister. My heart dropped to the floor. Oh no! I thought and I immediately thought my little brother who has something that makes him allergic to nearly anything if has it to much i.e. he's allergic to dust,eggs etc. But then I thought my mum, my dear, dear mum what would I do without her? Little did I know it was the toughest and most happiest (most unlikely to have went first) person who was like a mum, sister and friend to me. When my dad said 'Grandma died darling' my immediate answer was which one?! His reply was hesitant. I just wanted to curl up and die. The receptionist wasn't doing a very good job of pretending she wasn't listening so instead I clutched dads hand and said I just wanted to go home. The next couple of weeks I was of, contenting myself by baking cakes, making things just getting out. I wrote stories and poems to her and opened my winding and talked to her whilst sitting on my window ledge. Soon the funeral was looming over me. Even before my grandma had died I had had a phobia of coffins, cemetrys, churches, etc. I had nightmares and hysterical crying randomly up until the night before. My mum looked at me and said I didn't have to go and I could stay at my grannies instead, but I knew somewhere in my heart, some day I would regret it if I didn't go. So me and my mum and sister went shopping for black clothing although I came up with the idea of wearing a bit of green (her favourite colour). My grandma had always said she was envious of my legs so I decided to wear a dress depite what I thought of them. I wore a ruffled black dress, black tights, my school shoes, a green flower in my hair, a green cardigan and a green necaklace. We waited at my great grandma's for the funeral cars. We waited and forced ourselves to talk. Then they were there. I saw the coffin beautiful as it was with all the flowers aswell I felt physically sick. I sooked on a mint vigorously trying not to think about it. I broke down in the church after that it was just to sad to remember. I hated seeing my loved ones crying I just wanted to run. My great grandma was shaking so violently with tears I was scared she would topple over.
At school in RME we're learning about death it takes all I'm made of not to break down in class. I recently told my mum that infact behind the brave face I wasn't coping well at all. I was just so sad I would never speak to her again, she would never meet my childen, or my husband..atleast my big sister had started her career and had a boyfriend and everything but me....she supported me so much, we were so alike it was scary! So that's why it's like I've lost a bit of myself. Christmas is lurking ahead and I've asked for smiles all round, no tears. She was the core of the family always pleasing and giving everything they want. Thankyou grandma and I thank god every night for letting me have a full twelve years with her..you were my angel alive and dead, you are like a snowflake individual and unique.
It's hard, and I like to think there's such a place where we'll meet again, your in my dreams and it was a tragic loss, love always,
R.I.P. grandma xx

Tameasha B.B, November 2010
My Brother Died At 2.30am Saturday 3rd July, It Was His 19th Birthday And He Relied On His Mate To Bring Him Home Safely But That Didn't Happen... They Crashed Into A Tree On The Way Back Home. I Feel Really Heartbroken And I Only Have The Good Memories To Think About, R.I.P Devland , Gone Too Soon Big Man... Love You Loads Bruv !!;xxxxxxxxx

Meg, November 2010
When I was 9 years old a girl called Molly walked into dance class and walked into my life. She was such a bubbily, happy person. Even though she was 3 years younger than me, we became good friends from the moment we met.
In 2009 me and my friends were moved up to the advanced class, but Molly wasn't.. we all agreeded she was the best dancer we had at class act and so we spoke to the teacher and the teacher moved her up. Molly and I would go into the little kids classes on wednesdays and all day saturdays.. and when it came to shows we'd spend everyday together.
The last time I ever saw her, is where some of the most precious memories are held. We did an improvisation together, ate sweets and laughed. We were just having a a good time.. unaware of what would happen 34 days later.. On sunday 29th August I woke up and went to collect some bagels for breakfast. Whilst I was waiting at the met stop, I got a call of my dance teacher.. as i picked up I knew something was wrong
"Meg, I have some bad news.. you'll have to prepare yourself" said my dance teacher.. I became worried and frightened.
<BR>"It's Molly, she's died" my dance teacher broke down on the phone.. I couldn't believe what I was hearing.. At first I thought it was some sick joke.. then I realised it wasn't.. I broke down on the phone and hung up, I ran 10 minutes down the road to my grandmas house hysterically crying, the words echoed in my ear, I couldn't believe one of my best friends was dead. When I got to my grandam's, I got out my phone and wrote on Mollys wall on facebook "I LOVE YOU :'( <3<3<3<3<3<3" No one else but me knew yet.. 1 hour later, I got a call from my friend Beth who was crying, i automatically realised she had been told.. her parents came and picked me up and we all went over to the dance teachers house.. me and two of my friends just sat upstairs for two hours crying, the pain was too much to describe. We just wanted her back. On the 30th of August, me and two of my dance friends went put and bought an angel necklace in Mollys memory, I wear it everyday.. It was the start of the rest of our lives without her.
The days seem to drag by, every night I would cry and everyday I didn't know what to do with myself. Her funeral was arranged for the 8th of September. I woke up that morning and felt physically sick. We were all asked to wear something pink because that was Mollys favourite colour and I made my way up to meet the rest of my dance class. We had all been asked to sing and we had chosen the song "Somewhere over the rainbow" by eva cassidy because The Wizard Of Oz was her favourite film.
As we arrived in the church, we took our seats at the front.. and before we knew it, she was here. We all stood up as they carried her in. I couldnt describe how much pain i felt, I felt as though a piece of me had been distroyed at that moment, I felt broken. People stood up to say speeches and poems, it felt so lovley that people were talking about her in such a kind way.. I just didn't want them to be talking about her, I didn't want her dead. An hour into the funeral it was our turn to get up and sing.. 13 of us stood in a line holding hands and sung our hearts out.. me and my two friends couldn't finish the ending of the song, I couldn't get anymore sound out.. all I could do was look at the shiny brown coffin that held my friend.
As she was carried out into the yard me and my dance class stood far back, we wern't ready to go up.. As I looked up towads where she was being laied I saw my friend abi, I went running up to her and hugged her.. she whisperd into my ear "I can't believe this is happening Meg. I really can't" I couldn't say or do anything but hug her.
The day after Molly was buried I went to see her, I sat for an hour crying.. but I was comforted there. I knew she was by my side telling me to be strong.
A week later at dance, we all decided to hold a show in Mollys memory. The show is being held on the 29th January, exactly 5 months after she died.
today is the 12Novemeber2010, 73 days after Molly passed away and each night I cry.. nothing feels the same and I don't know how to fix it. I dream of her quite often, I get to hear her voice.. but then I wake up in more pain, wishing she was here. I go and visit her most days, her grave is coverd in flowers. It looks beautiful just like she was...
I miss you. I love you Molly <3

Frances, 2 November 2010
My name is Frances and I'm 13yrs old. I lost my mum about 5 months ago. She was about 46yrs old when died not an old age. She had always been there for me, sh was very proud of me and I was of her. She was the best ever and will always be. It was my sisters birthday party, then we had a B&Q. They bought beer and got drunk, then they got the quad out. I was having the best time ever, I was so happy with my friends, step sister, step brother and his friends. Then my mum got on the quad, she was very drunk, no helmet and she was going really fast. She hit a bump and span round three times that hit the fall. I felt so scared, so upset, like the ground had lifted and all I could do is run and find her. When I got there she was unconscious and she was like snoring, werid. I thought she was dead and why did this happen to me, lifes not fair. She went to hosiptal, she was in for a week, getting better. But on the saturday day moring, she got a really high temperature and found it hard to breathe. I went to see her and it was the most horrible sight. Tumbs everywhere, she was still unconscious and she could feel me touching her hand, I only wish I could of have a better goodbye. I told her to do the best and try stay alive but the doctors said she is most likely to die. Or be paralysed, stuck in a bed for the rest of her life, I know she wouldn't like that at all. She was my best friend forever and the doctors said she stayed alive to say goodbye to me. I will do the best I can to make you proud. I hope you are watching me and I will see you somehow.
I will always love you, you are my hero! :')
R.I.P My mum, you are the best x
Bye Mum xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

katiiee, 1 November 2010
It's been 2 months since grandma lost her battle with cancer.
Before, I was in denial, and it was just numb.
But now, it's realising that she isn't coming back, that i'm never going to see her again, and that I have to spend the rest of my life without her.

Emma, 8 October 2010
My name is emma, im 13 years old and my grandad died just over 2 months ago, at first i just done anything i could to try and not think about it as if he was still here with my nan,the same old grandad everyone loved, but about 2 weeks ago it hit me and all i could think about was him, all the memories we had,everything we would go out and i would think some other men would be him and just want to run up and hug him then they looked around and it wouldnt be him, its been really hard because im scared about what i do just incase hes watching over me and disapointed, i know he wouldnt be because he was always proud of all his grand children but still i think what if! I didnt get the chance to really say goodbye to him so that has really upset me, i didnt get the chance to tell him how much of an amazing grandad he was or how much i loved him. But i hope if hes looking over me right now he sees this and understands what an amazing lovely man he was, all i do is cry or be angry with everyone i want to talk to someone but dont really know what to say, as its coming up to christmas we all know its not going to be the same and all grandad would want is for us to have a good christmas but nothing will ever be the same without him in our lifes anymore, and all i can remember is him in pain being rushed of to hospital in the ambulance on my nans birthday and my sisters prom, he got taken in to hospital on the 9th july and died on the 24th july. i remember those words "hes in a better place now, hes not in pain nomore" as everyone cried loads, this has hurt me so much,The funeral the songs ("You make me feel brand new&All things bright and beautiful") all i want is to hear his voice, to hug him one last time :'(
ILOVEYOUSOOOOOSOOOOMUCCHGRANDAD!
Today'Tomorrow'Forever And Alwaays,

Jess.., October 2010
my dad commited suicide, a week after my birthday in june, he lived in china, and I was the reason my dad was found, I was getting worried about my dad, and I emailed the chinese police, later on that day he was found dead. I was devstated and still am now, i still havent got over the fact that my dad has gone. I find myself crying everyday, but everyone just seems to ignore the fact that I lost my dad, and that I should be okay by now, im trying to get on with my life by still working and going to college, but I still cant just forget about my daddy :(
R.I.P Daddy love you xxxxxxxx

Sam, September 2010
my mum died on 26th april.. she had been ill since i was born and it was all i was used to.. i spent my life taking care of her and i was always with her.. i miss her sooo much and i just wasnt to hug her one more time.. she spent her last 5 days in intensive care.. it was horrible.. the doctors kept telling me how bad things were but i was just in denial.. i still am.. i dont understand how she could be here one minute and not the other.. my mum was amazing and she always got better!! im still struggling, 5 months down the line.. but im hoping i will be able to get out of the darkness soon.

Becky x September 2010
Its been three months now since my dad passed away of a sudden heart attack, he was only 44 so not really any age atall. I feel so low everyday and would honeslty do anything just to see his face again. But noones got a magic wand and believe me if i did i would help you lot out too! I wish i could give you all advice but i cant and i know it doesn't help anyway when people tell you it will get easier ? like they know how we feel ? right ? i just hope hes looking down on me smiling :) i miss you angel
loveyou dad xxxx

me, September 2010
Its been almost 2 months now since my father died. He was ok one minute, then next thing I know its just an irritated ulcer, then the dehydration leads to a stroke. They say it's only a minor one, but it turns out it was in fact many tiny ones. The doctor tells me he will never be able to look after himself again, recognise me or understand what is happening. When he first went into hospital I was abroad - I was studying at uni. I flew home on Friday, he was already in intensive care. He died on Monday. Although he couldn't speak, he managed to tell me he loved me and regained consciousness when I was there. The doctors' only explanation to that was that medicine is not an exact science. He loved me so much, in his last years, he did everything in my name and sacrificed so much. I have been working so hard on staying strong for my mum, but I just can't do it any more. I keep yelling, then crying. I cry every day and the pain just keeps getting worse. I don't know how to cope. I know that if he can see me right now he would be very upset that he caused me pain. I just don't understand how I'm supposed to live without him. I keep remembering the last days in the hospital and they haunt me.

Gemma, August 2010
my mum died about 5 months ago, on mothers day this year - 14/3/2010

somehow i cant seem to really move on, i need to accept it, but its so hard. people tell me its going to get easier but sometimes i dont see the point in it anymore. i was at a party and all i can say is thank goodness i forgot something because if i hadnt then i wouldnt have seen her. later on that day the blood vessels in her brain just burst, and that was it, she was dead before she hit the floor. i wasnt there, she wasnt with the family, she was at a tube station!
i just feel so numb, and think that people are just going to leave. she was my world, and i just wish i could tell her that.
RIP mummy x x dont you forget me! x
Click here to read Gemma's poem

Suicidal... August 2010
my grandpa died just over 4 months ago on 23/2/2010. we knew he was gonna die soon cos he had been suffering from parkinsons disease for nearly 2 years. but alll the same it came to me as a shock. for the first month or so i just felt numb and didnt really know how to feel... and it still hasnt relly sunk in that i will never see him again. but it has hit me a bit and i have been struggling with it. especially as it has been a few ppls birthdays recently co my grandpa died on his 77th birthday. i have spoken to many people about it including CHAMS and ChildLine aswell as people at school and i just keep getting reffered on from person to person and it all seems a waste of time. i have had suicidal thoughts and am still considering that as i am struggling to cope. Plz help me...

No name, 30 July 2010
I lost my nan 2 month ago. i was in school one day and my mam rang me up crying saying i needed to come home i knew what had happened i just didnt want to hear it because it would of got to me more. i broke into tears my heart felt like it just dropped.and helped me, i couldnt sleep eat or nothing for days. i came back to school after nearly a week,my teachers were very supportive. but i know that one day i will meet my nan again and she was a very nice woman and shes in a better place and not in pain no more, R.I.P nan i love you. xxx

no name... June 2010
My dad died suddenly a few months ago from an unknown death. Doctors think it maybe some type of alergic raction. I saw my dad gasping for breath right in front of me , but there was nothing i could do. I feel so angry at myself for not being able to help him and at the hospital for not being able to bring him back.Its not right for a 34 year old man to die. Seeing him pass away infront of my very eyes haunts me so much, i can see it all the time in my head. I am scared for my mum. She tries to keep strong, but has been cracking up more and more and i fear that she does something stupid, like take her own life. I dont know what to do , please help.

From RD4U team:
We are very sorry to hear of the death of your dad suddenly a few months ago. It is good that you have posted this message and then other young people can reply. You say you are scared for your mum and you fear that she does something stupid. Do think about suggesting to her that she sees one of our bereavement support workers. This can be so helpful. Details of our branches are on our website www.cruse.org.uk and there is also information about grief. You may also want to see one of our support workers. Hope this is helpful.

Stephanie x , June 2010
I lost my best mate at best friend at college gareth he was autistic and he commit suicide,he jumped in front of a train.it will be 4 months sincehe died on the 2nd July.i miss him soo much he died so young he was only 18,it was so sudden it has been such a shock to allof us.he loved formula 1,top gear and mostly trains he volunteered at the mid suffolk light railway which he done for 3 years and thoroughly enjoyed.it is so tragic that he had to die by the thing he loved.we all miss him terribly and he will be forever in our hearts andnever forgotten. :(

Helen, June 2010
My dad died of cancer at the end of February (just over 3 months ago). He was only 56 and had been running marathons only a year ago. I think that I was almost in denial when he died and it is only now that it is really hitting me that he is gone. I miss him so much and think of him constantly. He was the best Dad I could ever have asked for and I am so grateful for the time we had together. I just hope that one day we will be re-united. I will always love you Dad. xxx

Jessica, 10 June 2010
Meet me at the gates Grandad .x
My Grandad died on the 1st of April
I am 13years old.
2 months ago.
I miss him so much. He was the perfect grandad, he loved cars, steam trains, sport and he smoked a pipe. He never swore or drunk. He was like a dad to me, I remember walking in to see him for the first time since he had cancer. Iexpected to see him a bit pale with a cup of tea and a blanket rapped round him. It was worse he was laying down on the big sofa, you see he loved his armchair, itwould be the only chair he sat in. But no his face and eyes were yellow, i felt my face lose colour. I came andsat next to him, i saton the floor, i wanted him to be comfortable. He spoke from time to time and we shared memories and had a laugh. He lost some energy and stopped talkingfor a while. Then i felt him squeeze myhand really tight. My mum told me he was very proud of me as i do well at school. I wrote himletters nearly every week and sometimes a milky bar as he loved white chocolate but then i stopped sendingthemilky bars in the summer because they turned to milkshake. LOL.
I miss mygrandad so much. At his funeral we had " these are the daysof our lives " byqueen. And "American Trilogy" by Elvis.
I love him so much. My nan now has pancreas cancer and she said to my grandad before he died " wait for me atthe gates ".
LOVE YOU FOREVER R.I.P
jESSICA X

Robyn, June 2010
Losing my mummy!!!! it has been 6 months

No name, June 2010
my grandad died about 12 weeks ago, i was soooooo close to him , he brought me up as a child.
we had this connection tha no one else undestood,even when he went into hospital he would call out for me.
or the nurses would ring me because he wouldnt settle if i wasn't there.

He was russian so allot of people could't understand him .......i could every word-we had this unique communication.

my nan is really depressed without him,she wont even leave the house.
im really struggling to cope.....iv' had other people in my family pass away (my brother)for eg but this is different.
i somehow managed to deal with that ,now i find myself constantly looking at photos of my grandad,listening to his funeral song over and over.as time goes by the more of a reality it is becoming!.
even when i visit the grave it's like i dont bilieve he is there.
i still think im going to see him,people get sick of me getting upset about him , so i do it when im on my own .
i cant talk to some family members for fer of upsetting them! and everyone else has heard it all before,.
i feel so so so alone in dealing with this.

Erin, June 2010
On the day we found out that my brother had been killed in afghanastan i couldnt cry because i was in so much shock all i did was sit on the sofa my mum said i was breathing very rapidly.
A thew days after my friends came round to play with me and to comfort me I was still in so much shock i could actualy get up and go to the park with them.
A thew weeks after that it started getting harder I use to go upstairs and just sit on my bed not even aware that i was doing absoulutely nothing.
After about a month it all was clear and I was crying most of the time I couldnt axcept what had happend
and now it is just up and down I really miss him

jack, May 2010
my grnadad died on the 18th of december 2009 from emphesimia (a lung disease)and it broke me appart inside, then exactly five months later on the 18th of may 2010 a week after my birthday my uncle was suddenly taken from us. at the moment i cant go to school but i find it helps to talk to a special someone who i feel understands ive known her for just under a year now so not long but she really helps me through it all.

Naomi, April 2010
My mum passed away on January 30th 2010 (just over 11 weeks ago). She had an ovarian cyst which was 32x27cm big. She got rushed taken to hospital in an ambulance on the 12 January after being seriously ill over Christmas. The following weeks were horrid. She had an operation to remove the cyst which put hope into our hearts. The operation was very dangerous and life-threatening. The doctors said if they could get through it, it would remove the hill in the road. A week later, the results came back from the cancer scan. Positive. She got told she had Ovarian cancer, which had spread to her lungs. She received the terrible news on her 47th birthday. The next day, she was moved to St Richard's Hospice, where she was carefully looked after. I went to see her during lunchtime on Friday 29th Jan, but I wasn't feeling well so I had to leave soon to go to bed. The next day, our immediate family (dad, 3 brothers, 2 sisters, me, 3 aunties, 3 uncles, 4 grandparents and 6 cousins) got together at the hospice to celebrate mum's birthday. It was a good day, and it was lovely to see mum again, and to get the family together. However, mum kept having panic attacks because she couldn't breathe. This scared me and my elder brother and sister. We decided deep down that this was her last day, and that she had just been waiting for her party. We were right. She passed away in her sleep at 10.59 that evening, holding her sister's and my hands. Her husband (my dad) and her parents were also with her, and her children (my brothers and sisters) came up to the hospice when called. She was like a best friend to me and I miss her so much. RIP mum, I will never forget you. "I'm just a poppyseed inside a great big bowl" - Kimya . xxx
Click here to read Naomi's three poems

empty, lost and confused, April 2010
my granda died last october it was really tough for me he was my most fav person in the whole world and i just feel lost without him at the start for the first couple of months i felt everything was normal like he was still here but now its started to hit me and im just crying all the time and im always angry i dont no wat to do i feel no one understands me!!! :(

Alexx, April 2010
Last year after battling depression since he was 14 my best friend, Alex, committed suicide. He'd spent almost 4 years being descriminated against by his dad for being gay then last September my best friend and his boyfriend, Jason, was killed.
It became too much for Alex and he killed himself in November. I miss him so much and ever since he died there's been a huuuuuuuuuuge space in me that I can't fill.

Alex - I miss you so much but I hope you can be happy now xxxxxx <333333

Mr.Bright, April 2010
Im 16 years old. My father passed away a few months ago. At first i tried my best to forget, i thought that if i did not think about it, the pain would go away. Well, i was wrong. What i was doing was attempting to escape from reality, but i cannot escape forever.
At the funeral, I held back my tears and ppl thought i was all right. everyone thought i was doing well, but every night when i take a shower or when im in bed, i cried my hearts out. althought im starting to feel better, i see my mother cry every day, and the pain which had just begun to disappear resurfaces.
Even now, I still think of my father as if he passed away just yesterday. I can still hear his voice, smell him.

lisa, March 2010
My mam was 34 years old when she passed away with a very rare form on cancer.I found she had swine flu then she went into hospital for foolds on the lungs..She was in hospital in on the 24th september last year i found out my mam could have cancer then on the 25th september i got told she did in it was terinmal then on the saturday she saddly passed away at 10 o clock at night..It is 26 weeks tomorrow..Just wish i could have a back..am crying all the time just wish this was all a dream in me mam would walk throught the door in say it all been a joke..She left behind me who is 15 my brother who is 13 my dad 40 her mam in dad...
Them last words are stuck in mu mind love you forever and look after dad..love you forever and always can it belive it 6 month and 2 weeks tomorrow x

No name, March 2010
My DaD died on 31/10/2009 . I sat at his bed for 4 weeks watching him fade away . Last week I went to the doctors because I was feeling depressed . The doctor in question had no sympathy and said it was not normal to feel like this after 4 months . Is my doctor talking crap please help .

From RD4U team:
Hi I am very sorry to hear about your loss and for what your Doctor has said to you. When someone close to us dies we all grieve in different ways, but usually it takes a very long time to accept and to be able to live with what has happened. When someone dies, no one can say how long you will be feeling this way, as grieving has no time limit, but it is important for you to be able to talk to someone about the way that you are feeling and try to get some other support for yourself. Can you talk to another member of your family, or a friend? Or even the school? It is good that you found our website, so please do carry on using this, and you will hopefully get support from other young people in similar situations to yourself. If you need to go back to the Doctors, maybe try to see another Doctor or take someone with you for some support. It is important to look after yourself,and remember that there is nothing wrong with the way that you are feeling. I hope that this helps and take care.

kelli, March 2010
my mum died on the 25th september 2009. i still can't believe this has happened it was so sudden we had been on holiday in eygpt for a week with my mum an dad,an wen we got back my mum took ill an died suddenly. i can't think of anything else.im on a rollercoaster of emotions. my mum was my best friend an i miss her so much x

No name, March 2010
Its been about 6 months now sice my Grandad died and i feel more upset about it now then i did back then, i think its only now its really hit me. Its good to talk about it without a doubt. I have found teachers the best to talk to. I feel like it is a rollercoaster ride that i want to get off! Its only now i feel like i can talk about, but i can say this, crying helps!

lisa 12, 6 March 2010
i just lost my mums 5 months and 12 days ago ifeel as if i wanna go away and never come back or sometimes i wonna kill my self and i always feel it was all my falt and i want her to be here with me and i just have to im crying already and allways bring tears to my eye when i talk about her missu and always will love u mummy

No name, 25 February 2010
my brother died in august. it seems like years ago. it was such a shock and has taken this long to even sink in. ihere's a trial in a few weeks. i don;t even know how i feel about that really. my grandma died a couple of weeks ago. that was another massive shock. i miss her so much and feel emotional almost constantly about it. i think it's because my brother's death's just sort of hitting me now and i love them both so much so everything's becoming harder to cope with. it still sometimes doesn;t feel real. i cant really talk about it to anyone. i wouldnt even know what to say. brother...6 months. granny..2 weeks.xxx

Daniel, 23 February 2010
My dad passed away 15 weeks and two days ago. He was home alone. my mom and little sister away for a weekend retreat. I was gone to college. Two other sibilings who live at home were at work. And my other sister does not live at home. He was mowing the grass and had a heart attack. It happened somewhere around 2 in the afternoon. No one found him until 9 o'cock that night. I got the call from my mom, "Daniel you need to come home....i think your daddy's dead...he's not breathing" Click. I still want to cry every time I see his picture or think about him. I never thought it would be so hard. People go on everyday talking about there dad, talking to their dad on the phone, talking to their dad on facebook. I would kill to be able to do that again. I would give my life just to be able to say goodbye. I have not seen my dad in 113 days. I can't wait to see him again in Heaven. I don't want to be here anymore.

From: RD4U:
We are very sorry to hear that your dad passed away 15 weeks and two days ago. We hope we can help. It is good that you have posted this message and then other young people will reply and give support.

We have a Freephone helpline on 08088081677 which is open from 930am to 5pm Monday to Friday. Another very good helpline is called Childline on 0800 1111 and if you click here you will get the Childline website. If you want to talk to someone face to face for some support then we have branches of bereavement support workers and details of our branches are on the Cruse website if you click here.

I hope these ideas are helpful.

suffering 18 year old, February 2010
well i only turned 18 last september... my story is i used to live with my grandma nd granddad since i was 5 years old. Well my granddad died when i was 12 he was the bestest friend i could ask for we was soo close its hard for me till nw because when it my bday i think of him because it was the same day as his im still nt over that yet.....recently my grandma passed away last october this was really hard for me because it was soo sudden she didnt have any major illness the reason y i think its hard for me is because i was with her till she died.. and now i have to have responsibilities for the house that we all lived in...i still really miss them i dont really know how to get over them or cope..

Eilidh, February 2010
One of my favourite horses, who i had known since i was seven, had to be put down 3 months ago. I loved her so much andd we had so many good times. We were really close, I am actually crying as I write this now, I am not copng with her loss even today. She looked after me so well, I just miss her so much :'(

Laura, January 2010
I was on holiday when my grandma died, I feel guilty and responsible for her death, even though I know there was nothing that I could have done. i didn't really have the time to say goodbye properley. I just thought I'd have a good time on holiday, come back and see her again. But I didn't. I think that is what she would have prefered though, because she was always very considerate, and wanted other people not to get hurt. So, I think she will be looking down on us all now being the very proud,protective grand-parent that she always was. Her spirit helps me through difficult times, such as completing my exams and reading a verse from the bible at her funeral. I know that she will be there when I need help. When I walk down the aisle. She loves me and always has done and that is the best feeling that you can have about a dead realative or friend. I hope everybody lives a joyful life. Just remember your angel has their caring hand on your shoulder wherever you go, and whatever you do xxx

No name, January 2010
My nan had been in and out of hospital for two years. She would go in for one thing come out and be back in 2weeks later for something else. I never really thought of her dying but I knew in the back of my mind it was going to happen.
I was really close to my nan, she looked after me most of my life because my mum was ill and my dad left when I was 2.
She died at the beginning of September but it's only just hit me a few weeks ago that she was actually gone.
I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep. I wouldn't talk to anyone and I wouldn't leave the house. I missed 2 weeks of schools and all my friends were really worried about me.
I went back to school last week and all my friends were really suportive.
I dont know where I'd be without them!

Elle x, January 2010
My dad commited susicide i loved him so so much me and my dad didn't get on very well bcz he gave my brothers and sis everything they wanted and when i told him he was wrong about stuff witch they didnt do . i stood up to my dad he didnt like that x he died on september 4 . my godmother found him i miss him so very much and i am sorry for everyone who has lost there dad's x
R.I.P dad love u forever xxx

See the archive of messages up to December 2009