personal

One to two months

Freddie, 5 December 2011
My grandma died about a month ago, she was at our house everyday and if not it was something very important. She was a great at supporting everyone at school work. Since her death my school work has gone down hill and I have got things like detentions nearly every week.

No name, 18 October 2011
My grandad died about a month ago, he was suffering from cancer for quite a long time but it had only just started to get really bad. We planned a holiday this May with most of our close famly to try and cheer my grandad up and make him a little bit more happy again, but he passed away. I was very close to my grandad and love him to pieces, now I can't describe how I feel without him. Rest in peace grandad I love you so much xxxxxxx

Annabella-Jane, 6 October 2011
it is hard to hold it in. I never new how special she was till the day she died. i look back at good times. Its not much fun now she has gone i do things alone. I didn't Know how others felt when there relatives had died but now i know how it feels to be hart broken when someone dies. When my mum and mama died.

paige, 15 September 2011
im 7 years old and on 20 july my daddy died from lung cancer. i miss him, he was a brilliant dad. i still cry, but i know i have to get usd to him not here. he was in so much pain. i was with him when he died and im glad i was

No name, 1 September 2011
My fiancee died suddenly a month ago today, its our Wedding Day tomorrow. Love and miss him with all my heart life can be so cruel. The hospital staff tried for 55 minutes to revive him and were still working on him when I saw him, it was a horrendous day but Im glad I saw the hospital staff trying to revive him, relive it every day. Im spending the day with our family tomorrow on what should have been the happiest day of our lives, I was blessed to be loved by him and although I cannot see him and know he is always by my side.

Sundus, 1 September 2011
My grandad died a month.

No name, 30 August 2011
My father died a 46 days back. He always used to tell me that he wasn't gonna be there for long..I never took him that seriously, I thought he was a tough man..Mum-dad's marriage was turbulent too..It kinda had a horrible impact on me..I vividly remember them screaming at each other..
But I loved both of them..I still do..
Dad went away..it came as a shock, the day It happened i was extraordinarily calm and sane, but as time went by..I only grew to be more secluded and homesick.
I cut people off my life, my best friends started to seem irritating to me, I started to fake. I cried at little things..
Guilt became a major part of my life..Perhaps..It still is..I am still not able to deal with people normally, I used to be an extrovert and Now I am totally different personality.
I feel bad that when he was alive I was never there for him..I miss my Dad a lot, Only if once I could talk to him..for one last time..
everything else seems so baseless and unimportant to me..Even College, he passed away just 14 days before my 2nd year at university was to start..
I was a stubborn kid..a brat..I have changed.All I want is just to see him once..I never told him that I cared..I resent that I never did..I hurt him so much. Dad loved me so much!..I was a pampered kid, but I turned rebellious, i still am..But I miss him..I never meant to hurt him..I miss him so much..
Not a single day goes by when I wish if he'd comeback..if he could..
Friends don't really seem to understand, keep telling me that I should move on..
But they haven't been through how would they know the pain???
I always cried in alone, never in front of anyone but once i felt so weak that tears just broke out in front of a friend and she didn't even wipe those away..I kept crying and she didn't really seem to be bothered at all..that incident made me feel more low..made me miss Dad more..
I don't even trust people anymore, I was always there when friends needed..But when a single tear rolled down my cheek there was not even a single friend to console..

Zarin, 29 August 2011
Its a month today lost my loving husband and dont know how to cope with it he is every where but not to be seen.

bethany, August 2011
my grandad died. there was nothing wrong with him, my aunti just found him dead in shower a couple of days ago at beginning of the summer holidays,
rest in peace grandad. 27,07,11 xx

No name, August 2011
my mum was ill for 6 weeks and took from me so quick, i ask my lf, why god wanted her so quick he says

God takes care of Heaven's garden
Where he has many angel flowers <BR>He waters each one fondly
With his very own special powers

(ME) so why did he take this special flower wich was so precious to me

...he says he loves his angels but this angel was so special to me
Loving each one just right ( which my mum made sure did she left a special bond which was loving and true
The angel flowers watch over us
God's garden must be well if the angels say what they say i hope to see my mum tonight

No name, August 2011
I lost my mum around a month ago and reading all these messages helps to support me , knowing others are going through this experience too and I'm crying because of this and the lost too.
At the moment it feels like it's pointless , planting a flower , naming a star as it won't bring her back but then they are times where I think it's a good idea.

emily, 27 July 2011
My grandma had had heart problems for a few years so she had been in and out of hospital many times. Though she was 82 she lived like she was still 18, she went on holiday at least 5 or 6 times a year, I remember that she had been to Benidorm for a week just a few months before she died. Anyway, she had been in hospital for a few weeks with breathing problems, however she had caught an infection similar to mrsa in the hospital which meant that the infection had to be treated before her breathing problems could. After she had been in for about four weeks, the nurses came to us on a Thursday evening saying that it would be unlikely she would survive until Monday, she was not aware of this though. We still visited her as normal on the Friday and the weekend though and she didn't seem like she was dying at all, aside from her breathing problems she seemed well enough. Then on the Monday we were called to the hospital at four in the morning and were told she didn't have long left, she was a fighter though and she pulled through. I stayed with her all day ever day apart from at night after that as on that Monday she had held my hand and said 'you won't ever leave me will you?' Later on that week much to our annoyance she was told she was dying, coincidentally she died the next morning but we were all there. This was about six weeks ago, now though I can't stop thinking about it, i always think what if and wonder what she was thinking about when she was in her last moments. And I always find myself asking why and wondering if maybe if I had done something different she would still be here now.

Nicole P, June 2011
My dad passed away just over a month ago, and I have to say, I wish I got to spend more than 14 years with him. He suffered from Bowel Cancer for two years, and was very close to beating it! He'd been in and out of hospital a lot because he was sometimes in a lot of pain and they needed to find him new medication to ease it. When he was at home I helped him all the time with going up and down stairs, putting his trousers, socks and shoes on, measuring out his methadone, helping him cook, keeping him company, and massaging his legs. He would always apologise for making me do so much, and I always told him that I really didn't mind, I really enjoyed talking to him.
Before he became Ill, his profession was a Pilot, so he wouldn't spend a lot of time home. He would always talk about how his experiences, but would always tell us that he loved being at home, and being able to help us with our homework.
He'd been hin hospital for a couple of weeks getting his medication sorted out, and one day when we went to see him, he was sleeping all day. I didn't think much of it, I thought it was good that he was catching up on sleep. I told mum that maybe we should wake him up just before we go because I didn't want him to wake up thinking that we hadn't gone in to see him that day. Mum went and got a nurse to ask, who came in and started checking his breathing. She told us that his breathing was very rattled because his organs were starting to fail. She then went on to say he would only have a few days left to live.
My dad never told me and my sister how ill he was, my mum told me that he had wanted to make sure that we had a normal life until worse came to worse, and that he truly believed that it would never come to that, that he would get better for "His Girlies"
The nurse told us that he would be asleep the whole time but would be able to hear us. Over the next 3 days we went in, everyone took it in turns to go in by them selves and speak to him. He used up all his energy on me and my sister. The nurses were really surprised when he woke up to our voices and hugged us, but that just goes to show how much he fought! On that day he told me he loved and gave me two hugs and a great big kiss on the head. I lay my head on his chest and looked up at him thinking that this will be the last time I will ever get a kiss from him. Writing about it now still brings big fat tiers to my eyes!
He passed away two days later in his sleep. It was just as his friends when it to see him. They told us that the window had been open, and that he would have been able to hear the lambs in the fields.
I miss him so much. He was the one I talked to, the one I watched Top Gear with, and cook Stir-Fries with! I still say good night to him every night and sometime I go in his room, and his cupboard and were everything has been left the same, and sit on his bed and talk to him. I feel really connected with him when I'm there, and I sometimes imagine that he is in his bed listening to me. His clothes still smell of him, and his aftershave is still in the bathroom.
There is not a day that I don't think about him, and I know that he will always be looking over us.
RIP Dad, as you know, I will always love you!

Rebecca, May 2011
I lost my nan on the 30th March 2011 (7 weeks ago). She died of natural causes (heart failure). She was a lovely lady and i will miss her. She looked after me from 13 weeks old till i was 13 years old. I will miss her very much and i am really pleased that i was part of her life for such a long time. She will always be in my memories and in my head and heart.xxxxxxxx
Rest. In. Peace. Nanny. I love you. You were the best nanny i ever had xxxxx You will always be in my heart and memories. xxxxxxxx

Shanel, April 2011
I know we will all be subject to death and loss, but I never imagined I would lose my dad like this. I'm 19 and my dad and I did'nt always get along. I guess I'am like he was, sensitive and defensive at times. He was just starting to become a bit more understanding of my way of thinking.

I kept remebering all the mean thoughts I had about him when we would disagree. Though we always made up over the course of a few days through silence. It just hurts because I remember it was saturday and I went to a stupid fair with friends and he was home laying in bed. He had a stomach ache I did'nt know then, but do know. I't wouldn't have changed my plans though. I know I would have thought he was fine. The next morning (2 months ago 2/20/11 Mom's bday) he called the ambulance while standing out on the balcony trying to catch his breath. I thought he was having a hypoglycemic attack. He was a diabetic.

I got home late the night before and went to bed around 5am. I woke up to a frightning call of my name. I raced down stairs heart pounding just because I didn't know why my mom would sound like that. Five minutes later the ambulance is there. My dad asks my mom if I was riding in the ambulance with him but the paramedics said no..
Thirty minutes later I'm standing in the ER entrance and I find out they are suspecting appendicitis. The hospital ER recently changed their policy on the number of people in the ER rooms, so my mother and I left the hospital while my brother stayed and I barely remember everything that happen before 5:20 pm. Mom and I went out to lunch, stopped by a family members house, and back to the hospital where I saw my dad not even 5 minutes. I hope it was a rich five minutes. I was weird though i remember telling him me and mom would be back in an hour and a half and I said it a good fie times as I was leaving his room. I went to shut the door but opened it back agin and gave my dad a kiss and I think I told him I love you but I can't remeber for sure. I did laugh at him while I was in there with him, he laughed to he had diarrhea because of this stuff they made him drink and was embarrased.

After my breif visit my mom and I went home as directed. We were only waiting an hour in a half, supposedly until my dad was transfered to a surgery floor. I remember being worried and taking forever to fall asleep, I had maybe a 20 minute nap before the time I had calculated to leave the house to get to the hospital at 5:30 when my dad's room would be ready. Before my mom and I could make it down stairs. The surgeon called and said that they were going in to surgery a little early and that we should come up in an hour or two. One hour for surgery and one hour for recovery. I remember listing to my mom sounding really dissapointed and her asking him to wait until we got there. Remind you they said 5:30! We were not allowed in the ER. They told us to go home! My mom finally said okay after the surgeon assured her he was fine and everything was okay. It wasn't even five o'clock yet.

About 25 minutes after the first call the surgeon called back and told my mom my dad was a very sick man and that we needed to get up there. We finally made it to the OR waiting Room 15 minutes after that.
The surgeon came out 30 minutes later and told my mom, my brother, and I that they had been working on my dad for over an hour. He said that my dad coded after they gave him anethesia came back 3 times and they had given him the last round of heart saving drugs(rounds of epi). We followed him into the OR where their was a slew of nurses, techs, and whoever else hooking up tubes and whatnot to my father.

I got closer seen all the tubes and the blood coming from his mouth. I clasped my hands over my face and the tears fell silently. My brother fell apart. My mom didn't know what to do. My brother called my other brother in Tally and he didn't know what was going on he thought dad could speak. The surgeon also had said dad had a 50/50 chance of making it through tonight so my brother told my other bro to say goodbye and he cried and My dad's blood pressure monitor went up when my bro was crying and screaming on speaker.

I was so afraid to make a sound because I knew my mom would fall apart if I did. I felt more anger than saddness though. My dad made it through the night and i'll be frank, the next day I wanted to strangle the surgeon and the anethesiologist. They are still saying they don't know what happen! The autopsy is hinting toward too much medication. If It were legal to hunt them down with rabid dogs I would.

Selvy, April 2011
Its been 1 month that i ve lost my boyfriend, on the 12th of march this year he died in a car accident, am trying to cope, to get over it but nothing to do,i just can't live without him, he was my friend, my boyfriend, and going to be my husband next year, its so hard...when he died he took half of my life with him, everyone says time gonna heal everything but actually its not the case, time goes by and i miss him like hell, he was the reason of my happiness and now he is not here anymore, i still can't believe that i will never see him again, i feel lost

kj, March 2011
my uncle passed away just over a month go and theres not day that goes by that i dont think about him. i miss him so much and as the days go by i miss him more and more. if i was offered the chance to have him back i wouldnt hestitate but i no thats not going to happen. i was closer to him than my mum some times. if i eva needed someone i knew he was there and he would never of judged me for the descision that i made. i wish you was still here but you have gone to a better place with no hurt or pain. everytime i think of him i just nearly break down and cry.maybe one day i will understand why they had to go and take you one of the greatest people you could meet. why couldnt they take the bad people. i love you forever and a day. you will be in ma heart forever and never be forgotten

Georgia, March 2011
My dad took his life just under two Months ago. I live with my baby sister and mum. I find it so hard to live without him because he is not there during everyday activities! I loved him so much and HATE that I didn't get to say goodbye :(

No name, 2 March 2011
my girlfriend committed suicide earlier this year, we had been together for over 3 years, and this was the girl i wanted to marry.
i blame myself for what happened.

Sarah, 14 February 2011
I'm 17 and my parents split up in May 2010, the day before my first exam. My dad had a condition called Fybromyalgia which had been getting considerably worse for the past 20 years and my mum was his carer through all of it. But she lied about cheating on him and had had enough of caring for him and left.

I was left to look after him; he quickly became depressed. It was awful to see how someone can just become destroyed, he lost 4 stone, didnt sleep, started smoking, drinking, never getting out of bed or hardly speaking; i just wanted to help. He attempted suicide 5 times before he actually passed away on the 7th of December, it wasnt actually intentional this time. Internal bleeding in the stomach and small intestine from overuse of drugs and alcohol (the amount of overdoses he had taken took a toll on his body) I had found him on three of the occasions and in different states, i still have nightmares now. I just feel so guilty because I left him and moved in with my mum at the end of October during the second time he was sectioned because I couldnt take any more strain. I left him there to get worse all by himself.
I went to see him afterwards and again, that was awful too. I end up waking my partner up nearly every night with nightmares.

I can't talk to my friends about it because they had to deal with a very close friend dying of cancer the day before my dad. I just feel my mental health is declining and I keep getting what the nurses described as anxiety attacks and sadly to say, self harm and other such issues. People expect me to have moved on and dealt with it but theres just so much that had gone it is so incredibly difficult. Although mine isn't a good experience yet, hopefully it will become good life experience and make me stronger but for now I think it's all too fresh.

I just want him to know I am so sorry and I love him so much. x

Cazza, 12 February 2011
Best friend got shot just after new years. 3/1/11 and died 6days later 9/1/11. Still haven't got over it miss him loads he's was only 20 years old when he got killed still had loads to live for. Been a month since he died only had his funeral on friday because of all the police stuff and news stuff surrounding his murder. I feel like really depressed and numb and everything else thinking why him? what did he do to deserve this?. Am completely devastated that he's gone miss him more everyday and just feel like dying cause he was there for me when my brothers all died and now he's gone its like there's nothing else to live for and just feel helpless. Had loads of people asking me bout it and just been ignoring them and walking away cause don't wanna face that he's dead and gone and that nothing can ever bring him back. Only been a month feels like was just yesterday that we was having a laugh not having care in the world then like seconds later he was shot lying in hospital and being told they can't do anything for him. Me and his sisters were crushed considering I grew up with him now don't know how gonna live knowing never gunna see his cheeky smile again or anything all got left is memories and photos that's it an the last text he sent me which was iya bbe am cumin dwn urs 4 bit proppa bored nd wanna cya miss nt bein wit ya. All I can say is now is that god takes the best eddie GBNF lad RIP miss ya loads xxxxxxxxxxx

Jade, 17 November 2010
This year, on the 7th of October my beautful baby girl was born at 11:39pm. But Unfortunatley, there where no cries heard as my baby was born dead. We found out when I was roughly 5 months pregnant that my baby had several major heart abnormalities which meant if i continued with my pregnancy, she would have ot have lots of surgery and even after all of it, would probably die. So one month after we found out, me and my boyfriend decided to stop the pregnancy as we couldnt be our little girl through so much pain, which meant I had to give birth to her. As im only 17, no seems to understand that being so young, makes it even harder to get over as i wasnt even emotinally ready to have children. Chairtys aimed at bereaved parents usually only think about grown ups who have lost a child, rather than someone like me. Its also hard to get help from family as they reason that is was my choice to end the pregnancy so i should deal with it, but this decision was the best one for my daughter, not me. She would of been ill the rest of her life, and sometimes its hard to feel support from people and not feel like everything im feeling is self inflicted.

No name, August 2010
my dad died unexpectedly in june 2010 :( it hurts, i feel numb and my heart phsically aches

No name, August 2010
In june we had a hard time because my great grandad got very ill he had to be taken to hospital we knew he would never come out again about a week after we found out he had lung cancer that then scared me because i knew he would not last and when my great grandad heard this news he was very upset and he did not want to live any longer every day was hard his son (my grandad) was very upset aswell we all was on the 10th he got very ill in hospital and this time we knew he would go we thought he would go late that night to be honest he was on breathing machines and everything on the 11th he was sent to a hospice 2 hours later he unfortunatly lost the battle.he was my family favourite and still is i hurt soo much every day and its 2 months on and it has not got any easier
MISSING MY GREAT GRANDAD LOADS and loads always in my heart <3 R.I.P

katie, 13 May 2010
about one month ago my dad died.
he had a mental condition called bipola, this made him incredibly depressed at times and the other times it made him incredibly crazy at others, he was also a heavy drinker and this lead to constant bottles a night, my dad and i was very close after my mom devorsed him from his affair with my moms bestfriend, about 3 years later i didnt see my dad for a whilee about a year, and then my brother found out he was in a mental hospital where he reuninet with my brother, finnaly it came to my birthday and he gave me my presents and then i saw my dad for the first time in the year, i was on top of the word so happy! thought he was aswell, but i didnt understand his illness. we were seeing eachother most weekends met my friends many times and my boyfriend. it was march 25th my dads birthday the last time i saw him. my granma and grandad usually heard from my dad everyday they hadnt spoke to him for about a week. this was not usual so they went round to visit, no ancwer? my granma rememberd her key to my dads flat went upstairs and my dad had took an overdose, he took evry single one of his medicaation that he was diagnosed for his mental condition. i miss him so much and want to be with him, ive evan thought of doing the same so im with him. i want to be happy and since my dad commited suicide evrythinks became worst. i read a speech at my dads funeral and it was quite clear how much i love him. i talk to people about this, but it dosent seem like theyt ever understand, i wish there was someone there, someone whos been through this simular situation as me, im 14
thankyou people who have read this. my names katie btw. xxxxx

Juliette, 10 May 2010
It's been one month exactly today since my Gran B passed on. I miss her every day. She died of lung cancer, I think about her every day, but would never wish her back, she's in a better place now, a place with no fear, no pain and no lonlyness.

I love you Gran B, for ever and ever. I will never forget you, all my love, your grand daughter, Juliette x x x x god bless you now and forever x x x x

Daniel, 17 February 2010
Well, I lost my father around 2 months ago. Im 15 to those of you who are wondering. Let me explain. It was a normal hectic sunday last minute h/w etc. Until I heard my mum scream my name. I knew straight away that something was up. I ran downstairs and saw my dad slouched in the couch unconcious and not breathing. The Ambulance volvo came within a matter of minutes. It was a relief when i heard the wail of the sirens. After this I geniunely thought he would be ok. The paramedic shocked him several times. Nothing changed. Ambulance arrives 10 minutes later.... Nothing. Third Ambulance .... he gets a output and a pulse. He starts breathing again on his own. Although he remains unconcious.

To cut a long story short, he suffered a silent MI. It was that bad, that he went straight into Cardiac Arrest.

Apparently, he had a output several times, yet it never remained for more than a few minutes. His heart was too badly damaged.

For the first few days, what had happend did not kick in, even during the funeral I remained both composed and calm.

Now 3 months on, the real effects are hitting home. Whenever we had an argument, Dad would say " you will miss me when I'm gone." I always thought this was a joke. How wrong was I ....

Tia, February 2010
Well I lost a reli gur friend on the 10.12.09 she was only 16 i just dont understand y sumert lyk this cud happen .. its just not ryt... i didnt even get to say bye.. i just hope she knows how sorry i am, cuz we had a fyt a cupple ov munfs befor she died and its killin me i rememba the fiyt all the time i imagine it over and over again . i rli didnt wana fiyt her :[ i dnt know wah to do i regret it soo much. buh we started talkin a day before she died and its killin me to know if she didnt die then things would go back to normal... i didnt get the chance to be close to here how we used to be.. i miss her soo much... i fort yer i can deal wid it cuz shes wiv us...but school is a constant remindah of her.. its a gurd fing tho buh it also bad cuz everywhere i go she was normal ryt there wiv meh... now im sitin here listen to all her songs she lurved and its just maad... everyfinks gone downhill i dont wanna be lk this i dnt wanna keep being angry but i just cnt deal with it... 2 months on wednesday and it only seems lyk yesterday we were avin a larf:[ i miss you amie i really do... theres not a day that goes by where i regret the fiyt i wish i could talk to you or even see you... :[

Archive of messages up to the end of 2009