personal

days

Fisiwe, 28 December 2009
My boyfriend passed away 4 days ago,in a car crash,i think im stil in denial,everythng reminds me of him,he was very kind and caring,he did everything for me.Even though we dated for only a year,i got to know so many things about him,he wanted us to get married and just be together,we loved each other even though my friends thought i deserved better than him,i stuck around because he was what i needed and stil need,dont know how im going to get through this.

Nonwa, 14 December 2009
My grandad died of water on his lungs I am going to his funeral soon!
Babez <3

No name, 11 December 2009
My dad hasnt died yet but, he is going to die,my mum told me. the docter say he is gona die in a few days are months and i just cant stop thinking about it.HELP!

Gina, 8 December 2009
Sunday the 6th of December 2009 my Great grandma,who was 97 years old,passed away,after being ill from june this year.I found out when my mum phoned my dad from the hospital.Mum had gone to visit my great Grandma with my Grandad.they walked in and she had just gone as she was still warm.I was absolutly devistated and cried imidently as this was my first death that i have expirenced.Even though Mum and Dad tried to prepare me it was still a shock.It is now 2 days and I feel a little better as mum say time is a good healer and she was right.We have a candle which i light every day and say a litle preyer.

Jessica, 2 December 2009
Its been a week today since my mum passed away. She became ill on the 31st of october which was just a headache gone wrong, turns out my mum had a bleed in the brain that was successful but the night she died we found out she had cancer which had spread through out her body. Its just like a really bad dream, only a month ago my mum was fine and only had what seemed to be a ear infection. My mum was my idol, my best friend- i could tell her anything that most teens wouldnt even dream of telling their mum, i relied on her soo much, she stuck with me through thick or thin. Now she has gone im soo broken, gutted, scared, angry, lonley and jealous- (why my mum). My other big issue is guilt, me and my dad wernt the easiest people to live with infact we made it hard for my mum  with out knowing it etc we drunk large amounts of alcohol and argued all the time and got nasty, mum mum thought she caused all this but she never all she did was be loving and kind- she would break her back to help anyone. I only went to 2 c her twice in hospital out of 2 weeks coz it scared the life out of me seein her like that but now i wish that i went a lot more, but the main thing is i told heri loved her the last time i saw her and gave her a kiss. My other guil problem is she thought that i loved my bf of 3 yrs more than her, but it aint tru and i just really want her to know that the love i had for her doesn't even compare to the love i have for my boyfriend. I just want her to come into my dreams and talk 2 me.. god i love her soo much and their won't be a day that i dn't think of you! RIP Mummy xxxxxx

Sauve, 27 November 2009
Its been 5 days sice i lost my boyfriend, Idon't know what to do, My heart hurts and my days are dark. I feel empty, i am scared to be by myself. It is very hard, I am trying to move on but i more difficult that i thought. I am over the crying stage. I am now at the Sad stage, I try to laugh at jokes, but i am devasted!!!! I wnt to  able to live by myself again without being scared!! I miss him so much

Giovanni, 13 November 2009
I lost my little brother this morning. He was 16 and 3 months old. I couldn't do anything to stop it. I feel angry at everything, I am bottling up all my emotions and I need to let it all go and I don't know how. I need to be the strong one for my parents and my two sisters, I can't show any weakness. I will not let death get the best of me, I will be stronger.

Linah, 28 October 2009
he has been gone for 10 days in an accident. I am still in grief that has been lessen with the support & love of friends & family. It only made worse thinking of our dream family, friends & future together. I am trying to accept that he has gone to a better place, trying to believe that he will be in spirit with me. I dont know how long I'll pull through trying to embrace the big Loss in my life putting up a strength that I dont even know if it here for a long time. Looking though the pictures , listening to the songs we shared, makes me closer to him in spirit. Love like there's no tomorow, that was what we had not done.
Love & Light
Linah

No name, 23 October 2009
My mum died onthe 12th of october and i cant stand the pain it hurts so much i look at my husband and hate him cos he's still got his mum and i know this is wrong but i cant help it i just miss my mum so much i cant stop crying i realy loved my mum i feel so guilty for not being there when she died cas we live far away from mum and dad i just want the pain to stop

Chrissie, 22 October 2009
xx
My great-gran died yesterday (friday 23rd October). She was 98. She will be missed very much, and she will always be in our hearts.
R.I.P Great-gran, sweet dreams.

Angii, 19 October 2009
Im 16 and my dad died 11 days ago. I also have a younger brother(12) and sister(14). Up until the age of 11 i had the happiest childhood and my father was a very kind, clever and loving man. Sadly he developed serious mental health issues and became an alcoholic, for several years me and my mum tried to help him, she spent a fortune on sending him to rehab, all of which failed. We were forced to leave him and he was given his own place to live. We kept in contact with him but refused to see him as his condition had got so bad... something i thouroughly regret now. I still love my dad sooo much, some people say it shouldnt matter to me as much because i didnt live with him and did not see him for so long but now hes passed all my strength has jus gone i feel something so big is missing from my life. I know he still loved us all and he kept every single thing we ever sent him and has a massive picture of us all on his wall. I feel twice as upset for my mum who was with him for 19 years and who also lost her dad as a teenager and no longer has her mother. My friends are lovely but they dont really understand, my boyfriend doesnt know how to handle me as im obviously very hurt and extremely difficult at the moment which is causing alot of problems. Im trying so hard to be strong especially for my younger brother and sister and am desperately trying to keep my life on track but am overwhelmed. I had just started my a levels and now feel im in no state to carry on with them which really frustrates me as i want a good education. His funeral is on thursday (3 days) and i feel terrified :S...i know im not alone but i do feel like noone understands, the whole world has carried on like normal and i wanna scream STOP wait for me

Lauren, 8 September 2009
Well yesterday i found out my nan passed away,, she was in hospital for about 2 weeks and they were trying to find out whats up with tests.. then suddenly she passed away and in the end we found out she died of cancer. :(. it still doesnt feel real, i really miss her xx

kirstie, 8 July 2009
ive just lost my dad,i dont wamt to live any more! 2 wks ago mi da died.we were really close.i just wanna die!
Reply from RD4U:
I am sorry to hear that you have just lost your dad.It is good that you have posted this message and then other young people will reply.We have a Young People's Helpline on 08088081677 which is open from 930am to 5pm. There is also another very good helpline called Childline on 0800 1111. If you want to see one of our bereavement support workers then telephone numbers of our branches are on our website www.cruse.org.uk

Hope this helps. If we can help further please let us know 

No Name, June 2009
Well... Its wed 10th of june... I lost my grandad on Saturday. I am still in total shock, all i can do is cry, but at the same time stay strong for my mum. It all came as such a shock, he was a chef, a brilliant one at that :) and he loved his work! Its quite ironic really, he died as he was working, his heart just stopped working, and he died on the spot. I'm only 17 years old, I'm 18 in 2weeks time, and my grandads not gona see me on my 18th birthday. Its meanto be my prom on friday & he's not gona be there. Infact the funerals on friday.. It just doesnt seem fair, he was 65, far too young to be gone. I have lots of fond memories of him, but i wish there was more to come. Words cant describe how much i'm gona miss him. I will love him forever & wil never ever forget my grandad. Rest in peace x

sad:( May 25
my nana died onsaturday the 16th of may 2009 i got very sad

holly, May 7 2009
my dad passed away 12 days ago. he suffered from depression and many drug addictions through his whole life, we thought he was going really well but i guess we were wrong. he accidently overdosed. we were told he was brain dead and wud prob not survive let alone wake up. we got to see him in hospital(unconscious) and say our goodbyes before we turned off the life support. he went peacefully which i am grateful for.
i hadnt seen him in 3 or 4 years but we still spoke lots on the phone and i never doubted that he loved me. i wish i spent more time with him over the past few years. me and my sister were planning on going and seeing him in october. i wish we'd done it sooner.
i dont know how to cope. ive tried to go back to work but i cant handle it.i feel like my boss wants me to be over it already. how much time is too much to take off work???
i cry myself to sleep most nights and wake up and start crying most mornings. my partner is there for me but i still feel so alone. i feel like ppl expect me to be over it already and go back to normal.
i dont know how to deal with knowing i have to go a lifetime before i see him again.

Rachel, 27 April 2009
i just lost my boyfriend and the love of m life yesterday in a motorcycle wreck. It is so hard to get by the day at school and stuff with out him there. For all you girls out there who lose a man people will talk there crap just ignore them. they dont know what they are talking about.

Jan, 24 April 2009
My darling husband  died yesterday, I cannot except that I will not see him again I cannot stand being in the dark or in the bedroom, people ring me and ask how i am feeling, I feel like shouting how do you think I feel, he was my bestest friend soulmate we just had each other. WHY oh Why   

Manoj, March 31 2009
It is just today, got a shocking call to know that my Loving Grandma died. But still more painful that im not able to go for the last rites and would not be able to see her again. Lots of memories about her...puts me more sad. I can only do one thing as a human being...Just would pray for her soul to rest in peace! oh Lord..Please keep her safe in your hands..!

No name, 9 March 2009
My mam has just died at 5.30am Sunday March 8th 2009 (just yesterday). I'm totally heat broken. I live with my girlfriend and have a one year old daughter. She will not get to know her grandma or get to have the sweet chocolate treats that grandma's give. When I look at my daughter it makes me hurt even more. She should give me hope, instead I feel only pain. I miss her so much.She was my best friend. I feel sad.

phyllis, 5 March 2009
It has now been 8 days since my little brother sadly passed away, we all knew that it was expected, because he had an illness called edwards syndrome, but when he passed away it was a complete shock and in away it was not expected because he was doing really well and he was such a little fighter!

No name, 25 Feb 2009
my friend was killed on saturday 21 feb 09. i keep thinking she just going to walk back in at any point, smiling like she always did. its so hard to take in i cant accept it

Danielle, 14 February 2009
My bff had cancer. I was sitting on the couch with her. She started making a gross choking sound. When I finally realized it was her, she was rolling on the floor, frantic. We were both crying knowing that she was dying. When she stopped moving I knew it was over. I called 911 and they came and took her body. All of this happened on (shocker) Friday the 13th 2009. But now people think I am on drugs because I am so weirdly peppy trying to hide my sadness.

Hollie, 10 February 2009
my experience was when my anty died and I was away during the funiral it was rely upseting knowing she had died reasently my great anty died only a few days ago and its been hard becaues i can`t consentrate on my work at school I must say it is hard to lose somone you love but it tackes time to get over it so I would say take your time about the death and then you`ll feel much much better!

Abbie, 26 January 2009
I lost my baby niece on Thursday 22nd Janruay 2009. She was born asleep as i like to think of it. We called her Ellie-Mae. She was 3 pounds 5 and was so beautiful. It is hard to accept that she did not even take her first breath. I keep thinking what it would be like if she was still alive. I believe in heaven and I know that she will be welcomed into heaven with open arms. I am going to miss her so much but she is now my gaurdian angel. My beautiful niece will be my baby forever.

elle, 22 January 2009
my boyfriend of eight years died in a car accident exactly a week ago. i was the one driving, and i turned when i shouldn't have, and another car hit us. me and the other driver were barely injured. only my boyfriend died. i wish i had died. the only thing stopping me from killing myself is that i don't want my family to be more sad than they already are.

charlotte, 20 January 2009
my teacher died a week ago, you may have seen it in the papers

No name, 16 January 2009
my teacher died on wednesday night in her sleep and i think that i was the last pupil to speak to her but the worst thing is she was 27 years old.but only 1 hour or more later she died after talking to my headteacher about a new project.

Screaming, 13 January 2009
My dad died 3 days ago in an accident that was devastating. he was the only person involved and i still cannot get round the idea that im never going to see him again, i feel heartless as i cannot cry sometimes and want to wake up from this nightmare. i want to be left alone so i can reflect and get round this but no-one undertands that i need to be alone for a while. im fed up of people ask how i am. i wanna scream when people say this. I just wanna stay strong for my Brother but no one can leave me alone not matter what i do - i need time on my own - if i want to be with others ill do it myself. i just wanna be allowed some personal space

No name, 27 December 2008
My grandma died on Christmas morning 2008. She lived in Poland, but was staying with us in England over Christmas. She had been ill for a few days, but she had her prescribed medicine upstairs in her room. My mum wanted to call a doctor, but my grandma insisted she was fine. She didn't want to be a burden. She even came downstairs on Christmas Eve, to prove that she really was getting better.

The next morning everything was quiet. We assumed she was sleeping, but she was dead when I went to check on her. My mother, me and my brother were her only family and we loved her so much. The doctors said she felt no pain. RIP.

Pino, 17 December 2008
My Dad died on Friday 12th December 2008 (5 days ago) I will always love him and will miss him every day. A Father can be many things and mine was the best.

Moobear, 11 December 2008
My dad died four days ago i haven't even been to the funeral yet  we were very close he had been sick a long time it hurts so much to think i'll never hear his voice again he won't be here to give advice or to make me laugh but i'm so glad for every moment we did spend together and sharing stories about what a great man he was and how he touched so many lives i'll miss him always but i'll honor him by doing my best to live life to the fullest and remember everything he taught me

No name, 13 November 2008
earlier this morning my uncle died. i ne he had a brain tuma but the doctrs said he will live for another 15 years, then they found another and the doctors said he could go at any moment. when i got home from school today mum told me. earlier tonight i had to my uncles with my mum to tell him, he didnt cry for me and my brother but you could tell that when we went he was going to weep all night. rest in peace uncle nick.

Kelly, 27 October 2008
One day
My nan died yesterday, i hadnt spoken to her for almost a year, i should have made contact i should have got intouch again, life just got in the way, i was always to busy, how i regret that now, i feel so guilty i could have made time but i didnt, nan im so sorry i always loved you i just hope you knew

james, 19 October
my dad just was burried yesterdsy and now I felt with this feeling of emptyness knowing I cant just drop by for an icecold beer or just to see how hes doing tears me apart my brothers and I converted my garage to sorta look like his and every once and a while we gather there to enjoy a cold one while stareing at a picture of al of us together.

Aaron, 11 October 2008
A week ago i lost my one and only best friend the worst thing is i was there he died in my arms , i will never forget that day when he told my he loved me and when i said i loved him he lead on my cheast and closed his eyes , i shouted dont leave me please , i could'd get it . i just felt emty and i never felt like that befor . at his furnal i could't say a word but when we all went to his grave and there was a picture of him .i wated tell every one was gone i said 'i will never forget you what ever happens you will always be in my heart sean i miss yu rest in peace my best mate'.now all i can think of is the memorise we had , i can never trust anyone again cause his the only one i can tell my secrets to and will always be . i miss him so much its not fear. 'miss u lots and i wil always love u sean.'

tracy, 9 October 2008
my 8 yr old daughters father died. we were told saturday 4th oct but he had died about a wk before that. no one knew until  fri 3rd. my daughter wont eat she wont drink she dont sleep. her and her dad were very close and she spent lots of time with him. just before he died they spent 2 wks away on holiday together. how can i help her how can i help prepare her for the funeral. she says she wants to kill herself to be with him

Reply from the RD4U team:
Dear Tracy, 
I am very sorry your daughter is struggling so much with the death of her father. This is quite understandable and it is very good you have contacted us as we have some ideas which will hopefully help you both at this very difficult time. I suggest you talk to your/ her GP and explain the situation and that she feels like killing herself in order to be with him. If she wants to talk to someone herself you can put her in touch with childline (24 hours a day, 7 days a week) on 0800 1111. We also have a Cruse helpline that you or your daughter can contact for advice and support. That number (freephone) is 0808 808 1677. Cruse has a website which might offer you useful advice r.e. funeral preparation: www.cruse.org.uk. There is another website www.winstonswish.org.uk which is specifically geared towards helping children and their parents/ carers cope with bereavement.

Alex, 1 October 2008
My friend Aarron was hit by a car on the 30th September 2008. He died on the way to hospital ten minutes later. I have lost a friend that can never be replaced.

Angela, 30 September 2008
My friend of 20 years Cathy died a few days ago after a battle with melanoma she was so brave and so accepting of her destiny.  I still can't believe she has gone but at least she isn't suffering the terrible pain she was in.

No name, 23 September 2008
Hi , my boyfriend of 3 years has just died of lung cancer, he was young, bright and never smoked in his life. He didn't even manage to start a chemotherapy treatment. He lived only a month from diagnosis. I miss him so much, he was my best friend and we would talk hours everyday, now i don't know how to cope with everyday life without him. I feel for all of you.

No name, 18 September 2008
I just found out my best friend died 2 days ago.   Right now, I"m still crying because Derrick was my best friend.  And it seemed like lately we were both to busy with our lives to see each other. And now I am regretting every time I didn't call him back or how we had to reschedule our last hangout because he had to work. I can't believe I will never talk and laugh with him again. He was such a funny and  amazing person! This is so hard!

No name, 30 August 2008
so  sorry
Today I got a phone call from an old friend who I have not talk to in a while.  He just called me to tell me that my old friend died.  I was speach less however, I could not cry all I felt was a sharp pain in my chest and I can't believe it. I still can't believe it.  The way he died was terrible too hes car fell of a bridge on the freeway.  I'm so sorry and i hope were ever you are you are in peace.

Jane, 29 Aug 2008
My beautiful daughter Kate died this morning.
16 years old
she had the world at her feet
marvellous GCSE results
i just dont know what to do
my husband and I are completely lost. i couldnt have children and she was my miracle baby. she had complained for about 2 yrs of feeling ill and sick with headaches. i would never have imagined that today she would collapse and never wake up. i dont believe she had a tumour. i wish i could have said goodbye before i left for work but i didnt want to wake her. if i had she might have been alive now.
i am so sorry baby
i will be with you soon. dont be scared
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Jane, perhaps you would like to call our Helpline on 0844 477 9400 which is open from 930am to 5pm Monday to Friday and also email helpline@cruse.org.uk so we can suggest various ways of helping you at this tragic time - Helpline Team

No name, 26 August 2008
my mum died, i died

Saz, 8 August 2008
Hi my dad died 8 days ago. I hadn't spoken to him for 6 years and had written a letter to him saying I hated him. I've had so much to deal with from my dad, and I only hated him because I loved him. I feel so guilty.. I don't know whether he kept the letter or not, and I don't know if he knew how much it aches not to have told him I loved him too.
I feel sad that he couldn't be the father I needed, and angry that he chose not to do the one thing that would have changed my mind. But most of all, i feel guilty that I feel sad. It feels like I have no right to. It feels hypocritical. I know I have to make my peace with him now, but I feel like I'm not welcome to.

No name, 6 August 2008
My dad died today. I checked on him and thought he was asleep. We were never the closest of father son relationships but had a good link. I am in shock I think because he went from good health to death in 4 days. I don't know how to feel. My mum died 18 months ago and I learnt not to feel guilty when you don't react in a TV, crying and screaming style. This is how it is. React in your own time and grieve in your own time. There is no ned to force the tears. they will come. Hope this helps one person.

No name, 3 August 2008
My dad died three days ago, from cancer. He was diagnosed less than a week ago. I can't imagine going on without him, and it hasn't sunk in that he won't ever come home again. I miss him so much and just want to talk to him and tell him how much I love him.

kevin, 25 July 2008
My grandma died on 25 july 2008 after a stroke.
I didn't have much emotion when my mum told me.
I didn't want her to see me cry because it would have made things worse for her
My mum is strong tho and having a big family around us makes a difference.
I know my grandma is in a better place and that I will see her again in heaven.

W, 4 July 2008
Hi...well..my girlfriend died two days ago, 02/07/08. I'm still feeling pretty lost at the moment. We had only really been together 3 months but it was a relationship with so much more than any other i have ever had.
She had been in hospital for days and seemed to be on the mend, the only worrying effect being her memory loss, the fact that she couldn't remember who any of us were or even who she was.
I helped her along the way with that, writing down everything she had ever told me about her life and family history. She told me that although she couldn't really remember me, she felt strangely drawn to me over anyone else and she knew that i loved her and felt so much love inside for me.
One hour before she died she asked me to marry her because "life is too short"....i said yes, it would be an honour to marry such an amazing person, to spend my life with her. She was wheeled away for a routine brain scan and never quite made it....
...as you can imagine, i'm finding it very hard...within the space of an hour i went from being king of the world to absolute devastation...since then i have just broke down at the most random times...i miss her so much...nobody on this Earth made me smile the way she could...i used to say she was like a blessing from God, an ANgel sent just for me....it would appear God wanted his Angel back :o(

Carrie, 10 June 2008
My dad died 3 days ago (June 6th 08) and I'm scared that I'm not feeling normal. I kind of act as though things are normal. I've cried twice, once when I found out, and once tonight.
I keep hoping that if I pray enough he'll come back. But I know in my heart that he won't.
He was only 48. He killed himself.
This can't be right.
I keep thinking what if I'd have called him that day, or gone to his, but I know I can't turn back time. And I know it wasn't my fault.
I just need to be with my dad. It hurts so much I feel that I might die. But I don't show it. I can't. And I don't know why.

Dani, 9 June 2008
My mum died 6 days ago. She had been ill for a very long time and had survived many, many things. I had started to believe she was indestructible. We had had a few years where my mum and I hadn't got on and sometimes we said stuff that we didn't mean but as I got older we started to get along much better. I loved her so much, I still do, she was the funniest, most exciting and interesting person I knew.

I've just got my first job and I got the call whilst sitting at my desk. My first reaction was to say "I'm at work... she can't do that now... I can't leave." However the shock subsided and I was racked with guilt.

We found out later on she had been in a lot more pain than she told us and even though I'm devastated she is gone, I'm happy she's not suffering anymore. When I cry about it I know that I'm only crying for me and my family and not for her. She'd tell me to stop or she'd give me something to cry about. :)

Tracy, 27 May 2008
My father dies last week, i am in shock still. My heart aches with pain and anger. He was so young with so much more to do. He was a beautiful man who filled so many lives with inspiration and hope for themselves. Nobody knew that this man with an awesome exterior was dying on the inside, very slowly. It pains me to know that i couldnt help him in his last hours or days or years.
i knew and i let it happen? i pray that he is no longer suffering, i pray that he knew how much i loved him and how much i will miss him.
alcohol is a killer. it does take lives not only the one drinking but those around them.
i love you dad!
xo
tracy

Karen, 23 May 2008
TODAY THE 23 MAY 08 ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS DIED ALL VERY SUDDEN THERE ONE MOMENT DEAD THE NEXT I LOVED HER AND HER COMPANY SO MUCH, WE WENT THOUGH A TOUGH TIME TOGETHER BACK 10 YRS AGO WHEN WE MET, I ALWAYS SAY THAT THE ANGELS SENT US ONE ANOTHER BACK THEN, WE BOTH LEARNT TO LAUGH AGAIN A FEW YRS ON AND WE HAD SO MUCH FUN OUT ON THE TOWN DANCING ETC, I SHALL MISS THE DEPTH WE SHARED IN MATTERS OF THE HEART AND THE SAME VALUES THAT WE HELD IN LIFE OUR LOVE OF ANIMALS AND CARE FOR OUR FAMILIES ESPCY OUR MUMS WE BOTH LOST OUR DADS AND WERE THERE AS LISTERNING EAR FOR EACH OTHER, NOW I FEAR THAT I WILL NOT HAVE A LISTERNING EAR ANY MORE SHE WAS ALWAYS THERE WHEN I NEEDED A MOAN AND WAS A WONDERFULL WARM COMPASSIONATE EASY GOING PERSON- I SHALL MISS HER SO MUCH MY DEAR FRIEND SALLY I HOPE THAT YOU ARE SAFE WHEREVER YOU MAY BE NOW AND I WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER YOU SO FONDLY LOVE YOUR DEAR FRIEND KAREN X

Kelly, 17 May 2008
My grama died this morning. I am having a hard time accepting it, because she was so special and important to me. I was her favorite person in the world, and she was mine. I feel so helpless and lost. I also want to die just to see her again. I was very lucky because she wouldnt wake up for anyone for 3 days till I came to the hospital and I was the only one she talked to, and we told eachother how much we loved eachother and she told me she was so proud of me. I told her I was sorry for everytime I had a temper with her and she told me it was ok. I told her that she was my best friend and I love her more than anyone and her eyes got big and she smiled and she was so happy. I was the very last person she saw, she went to sleep and didnt wake up. I am trying to be strong for her but it's so hard because even though she's not in pain anymore I just want her back so badly.

No name, 17 May 2008
my best friend and boyfriend of 2 years killed himself 4 days ago. he threw himself infront of a tube train - i never knew things were that bad. i just wish he'd come to me for help - i would've been there for him no matter what and forgiven him no matter what he did. i just can't understand how he could leave me when he said that he loved me endlessly with all his heart and soul. i just wanted to look after him and love him and knowing that he was in so much pain breaks my heart. i hope he knew how much i loved and adored him. he was my world - he meant everything to me. i just can't believe i'll never see his gorgeous face again or feel his arms around me as he hugs me or hear him whisper he loves me in my ear. he'll never leave my heart.

No name, 11 May 2008
My mum died at 2:00am this morning
she was only 44
this cant be fair

No name, 27 April 2008
my dad died two days ago on the 25th april 2008.  im dont know what to do, im so angry, he was only 40 years old, he worked 13 hours a day to get me and my brother in to university, he cared about nothing else except us, i could of stayed awake for an extra half hour but i was too tierd, i was waken by my mothers screams, he took care of everything, he had a way with people, he was so charimatic, so intelligent, he never took for himself, i hope so much that he is at peace, he never got time to rest, he was always stressed, i wish so so much he is happy now.

i will miss the small, unimportant things, the thing no one else will appreciate, the thing only he knew about me, my brother and the rest of our family.

ill miss the way he smiled and lit up his surrounding
he didnt deserve this

No name, 23 April 2008
my grandma just died recently, on Earth Day of 2008. At first when my parents told me she was sick, I didn't think about it much, then a week later they told me she was dying.

When it finally happened, I was sad, I pretty much cried and couldn't sleep at the night after. I wasn't depressed because she was dead, but the horrible events that led to it.

Around 2003, she got in a injury that pretty much paralyzed all her limbs. We had to move her BACK to China so my relatives over there can help her constantly and so she could understand in her native language. She still had control of her fingers, but with most of her offsprings and their family in the U.S. she had no will to control it. I have visited her twice throughout the half decade, but I had wished to visit more.

In her last month, she got a fever, and from what I understand became blind and mute. She could only respond with nods, my dad (her son) and his brothers immediately went to China, probably still on planes right now. But it's too late. The rest of my family and cousins are probably going to China too.

I never got to say bye.

sophie, 15 April 2008
My nana died today. Well. Yesterday now, Its 1.07am. I feel strange. I knew she was dying. She had Gall Bladder cancer and they removed it but it was too late. For the last month its been a waiting game. I feel so cheated. She was 71. I feel like thats still to young. I know all the good stuff that everyone keeps telling me to remember and how she wouldnt want me sad.. but that makes me mad. I cant just be happy. I dont think I can ever be the same again. I wish I could stop this hurting so much. I looked at pictures from summers holiday. All I can think of,when I look at them, past the smiling faces, is that the cancer is already in her, already harming her and we didnt know. That breaks my heart. I've written way too much.

Sarah, 1 April 2008
My nan died today, she had a heart attack on 19th December and has been in hospital since until 2 weeks ago when we got her into a wonderful nursing home, the staff are fantastic. My nan was 92 and we know we were lucky to have her so long but she was a big part of our lives and such an amazing lady, always giving to others before herself and making people laugh! I am so proud to have had her as my nan but I am so sad that she is gone. I can hear her voice so clearly right now and I don't want to lose this memory. I have so many happy memories of nan and I hope she is happy now.

chelsea1234, 06.03.08
4 days ago my sister died i was really upset ebcause i helped my mum raise her! Monday morning she had 4 fits 2 little ones and 2 mager ones and then she stopped breathing and my mum intstantly new she was gone.

sam, 4 March 2008
my mum died on the 1st of march 2008

anomynous, 10 February 2008
ok, my grandma died today. 11.45. she died 10 minutes after i left her.
She was sick, had cancer. she and my grandpa lived with me and my parents/brother. i took care of her half of year (when it got critical), i washed her face,dressed her i even slept next to her. in summer it got really critical and altough everyone thaught she was going to die (we even said or goodbyes to her), she somehow managed to kind of get better and was able to talk and walk again. Last christmass holiday it got really critical and she was placed in a nursing home. i stayed there whole christmass holiday and slept there in the weekends, i always came righ after school.

since yesterday it got really bad again,s he got fever. but since she already became critical 3 times and she always got better, we didn't expect she would die the day after.
i slept in the nursing house yesterday again, i didn't know it would our last night together. she was sleeping all time, and she woke up around 2, she looked better then in the midday so i told her how strong she was and that she was going to get better, just like always. i told her i loved her and that we all wanted her to get better. she didn't say anything (since yesterday she wasn't able to talk and swallow anymore), but i could see she was trying to smile.
this morning i woke up, and tried to talk to her, but she was still asleep. my grandpa picked me up at 11.30 or something. he asked me if i wanted to give her some water and i said no, because i was afraid that she would choke. i gave her a kiss and told her i was going home for an hour, to pick up some stuff and work on some homework.i gave her a kiss and left. when i got home, the nurse called me and asked if my mom or grandpa was home, i said no and she called my mom. i thought she was only calling to say things were getting better or something. 2 minutes after the nurse called, my mom called to say she was going to pick me up. when i heard the news, i somehow got mad at my grandma. i don't know why, she already fought for 7 months (altough she almost couldnt do anything )and i couldnt think of why she didnt want to fought further. when i arrived at the nursing house, i understood why she gave up. she was lying there so peacefull.
i think she wanted to die so much earlier, but stayed for my family. she couldnt do anything, she couldnt walk, she only lay there in her bed. the funeral is friday and i hope i can let go of her.

No name, 15/01/2008
My mum died today 14/01/08. she had been acutely ill for 2 days but today i have just panicked as i have had to watch her deteriorate until she sadly slipped away.She was my saviour , my keeper, and most of all she was the bestest kindest loving mum that i could ever have wished for. goodnight mum, god bless, we will meet again.xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

No name, 15/01/2008
6 days after my mum died.
i know the pain should be overwhelming me but i feel absolutely nothing.  all i am aware of is my crying which i can't seem to stop.  whats the point in my tears if i dont know what im crying for?  everyone keeps saying how peacfel she looked.  what about me??  dont i get my peace?  iv been through so much in my life and shes been the sole person who knew me well enough so that she could help me cope.  my sister who is 6 is going to grow up without a mum, who will be the mother of the bride at my wedding?  who do i call in the middle of the night when i can't cope if i have kids?  who is gonna hug me and tell me everyhting is going to be just fine?  im outraged that i am left all alone and she is 'peaceful'.

See archive of messages up to the end of 2007