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Message from: Tess, 18 May 05

Subject: Confusion

Hey i know it sounds stupid but this is a well good idea. I kinda struggling at the moment with death and stuff and don't feel people understand and i don't want to keep burdening the same person with the same thing i don't wana annoy them but i can't help it. I jst wana talk bout it!!!

First it started 7 yrs ago.
I lost a friend she was younger than me and, at the time was getting bullied at our middle school She was the year below me and i'd walk her home to make ssure she wasn't picked on. This one time i couldn't i had to get back home because my dad needed me for something. What it was i couldn't remember, but the next day i found out she got home ok it was wen she opened her door and had an asthma attack and died in her doorway that hit me. I felt it was my fault and i should have done somethign nto beens o selfish. I still think that. I can't help it though.She was 12.

I guess since then i distanced myself from people and started to keep to myself not wanting to get too close to people in case i lost them.

Then my next door neighbour went to hospital for a check up. He was like a grandfather to me we where really close. Closer than my grandparents themselves. He never came back. He died in hospital when he went for a check up!!


Next was my pap. He died of cancer and some form of senial demensure. That screwed me up but i coped with it in a worse way. I'd laugh and joke try and avoid it pretend it wasnt happening. Soem people said he adored me cus i was his only granddaughter n that i was extra special to him because of that. They said he was my guardian angel.

When i got hit ona pelican crossing ending up under the van and managed to walk away with just a few minor injuries brusiing and concussion, i started to believe it was true.

After that there was an 8 yr old girl at my mums work. I used to read her stories. She went to hospital. She wasn't well. They did tests found out she had a brain tumour. Two weeks after finding this out she was dead.

What kick started all this was my m8 dieing in October of last year in a care crash. His dead body being pulled out of the wreck. He was 21. On december 11th my old school mate died. Fell off of a building. Suicide. We think. They think. I Don't Know.She was 17.

We used to talk about things. i used to be on anti depressents she had problems. I wasn't a friend in her group i was an outside friend. We talked about a lot of things. I didn't speak to her until she was doing work at a nursery near my house i'd see her every morning more or less while i was waiting at the bus stop. I should have seen it coming the one day she stopped and chatted to me. We agreed to go out for my 18th i should have taken her number but we where in too much of a rush to. Less than a week later i saw her name on the front of our local newspaper. Thinking she got sumwhere with her singing i stopped to briefly speed read it as i paid for something at the counter. It was when i read she was dead i kinda stopped. Stood there and tried not to cry. The world seemed to stop and i couldn't move just took the top paper n walked out in a daze.

Its the last 2 years that hit me. Two close friends funerals in 3 months. Both under 25 it sucks. I can't help but feel its my fault and just wish i could talk to someone.

I have times where i will sit and cry my eyes out. I'm ok if im doing something it's when i stop n i have time to think, times like this, it gets to me.

I can't go to councerling to talk because of work i can't afford to have time off. Why can't anywhere have somewhere to go to at weekends or something its not fair. I need to talk but i don't wana lose my job.

Why is there never anyone to talk to?
Why is life so unfair?
Why where most of these people taken from me before they where old enough to know anything?

I'm starting to think im the only one in this situation. What can i do? i want to get on with thing si know they've gone but i keep expecting to see them. I don't know what to do. If i cry i cry for hours then im ok but then it happens again. I can't keep going on like this but i need to do something. I'm not suicidal or anything in case the wrong idea came across just then. I just need 2 talk and find ways of coping with all of this.