message board

Message from: Shayla, 27 Oct 04

Subject: My wishes

I am hoping that what I write here will help some people on this board.
I'm 17 and I really wish that I had found this website when I was struggling to come to terms with my grief. I'm going to be 18 in 7 weeks time and that's as old as I'll ever be. I have inoperable cancer around my heart and it's spreading to my lungs. I will probably only just see the start of 2005, but I am not scared, sad or angry.
When I found out my life was going to be cut very short, I was hurt deep down inside and I cried more than you could imagine. I couldn't believe that it was happening to me and blamed myself. But about 2 months ago, I realised that there was more to life than sadness. For me, death isn't about leaving your loved ones behind, it's about going infront of them to be able to see them and watch them in whatever they do. It is my wish that for every person I love I will be right be their side all the time. I may leave this physical world, but I won't ever leave those that I love.
This isn't about religion because I don't know whether their is a God or not, but it's about belief. It's about belief that even though death is seen as a grief-stricken occasion, in my eyes its a celebration of my life. My boyfriend is devastated but he has promised me that even though he'll cry, inside he'll be smiling because he knows that I'll be at peace and most of all that he'll never be without me. My family and friends are too devastated, but they know that I'm happy.
It sounds so bad, but I'm happy I'm dying because it's then my turn to look after others. I hope what I've said has helped some of you because I really feel for those suffering the loss of loved ones. It's so very hard when it comes to illness, suicide or accidents, but after death people are at peace, and they can, for once, put everyone else before themselves. I will always be around for those who need me and the loved ones that have left our world will be too.
So, with lots of love to everyone
Best Wishes
xx Shayla xx

Subject:Your message

Dear Shayla
Thank you for your message, and we appreciate you sharing your thoughts. I was wondering if you have contacted Help the Hospices (www.helpthehospices.org.uk), as they may be able to advise and help you further as well as your family and friends. You may also want to send a private email, so that we have your details, should you wish to recieve a private reply. I hope this helps in some way and once again thank you.
RD4U team

Subject: Thank you

Thank you. You are so amazingly brave to be able to come on and write so freely about yourself I am so sorry for you and your family. But you are handling it in a way that your family will be so proud of. I am 15 and I lost my dad to a medical error but he had lung cancer and the words that you said were very special. you are a very special person. i wish you and your family the best of luck and am thinking of you all. love Hannah xxxx

Subject: thank you

Thank you so much for sharing that with us. You are an amazing person. My mum was in a similar position to you last year and she only saw just the beginning of 2004. You are so brave and I really wonder why things like this always happen to the best people. Lots of love and thank you Shayla

Subject:(no subject)

ive never been so moved by reading anything so much as your letter. My mum died of breast cancer when i was 9. Im now 20. Ive got on with my life and am now at university. My dad has remarried, although we dont talk about her so much now, she is always there. i had counselling for 6 months after she passed away, and talking about it helped a lot. I cant imagine what you have been through or what you will go through. You must be so brave. Thankyou for writing that letter, im sure it will help so many people. xx

Subject:Your Replies

To those who have sent replies;
First of all thank you for taking the time to read my message and I want to send you all my warmest and deepest sympathies for those that you have lost. I once tried to sum up how I felt after I lost a loved one really close to my heart I found it really hard, but this is what I came up with:

When you have someone it's great,
When you lose someone it's tragic,
When you miss someone it's worse.

For me this sums up exactly how I felt when I lost those close to me. It's not the loss that causes the greatest pain it's how you miss them.
When I move forward out of this life, I know that I will be missed purely because I know that I am loved. "Those that are loved are those that are missed" as my mum always says. However, I don't want my passing to stop others from continuing with their own lives. I really hope that it won't stop them because that's not what I want for them. I know there will be tears, but in letters that I have written for people to explain my feelings, I tell them that even though on the surface it may be tears of grief, deep down they will be tears of joy, memories, and love.
Please write again, I'm here for everyone always.
Best Wishes
xx Shayla xx

Subject:Shayla

Thank you so much for taking the time to write your message. You truely are a special person by the strength you are showing. I lost my brother 4 years ago and miss him everyday. The words you said brought so much comfort. You have so much strength, your family must be so so proud of you. Thank you once again, youve really made me realise all i have in my life. You and your family are in my thoughts.
Love and hugs
Amy.x

Subject:(no subject)

i think that u r are incrediably brave n that i wish u all the best, i wish i cud get to knw u as i think u seem very nice, thanku 4 ur help and helping me understand, take care lv jaynee

Subject:Amy, Jaynee and everyone else

Amy/Jaynee,
Thank you for replying to me. I'm sorry for the losses you have suffered, and it doesn't matter how long ago it was, it will still be there because the gap for them will always be around.

It's interesting, Amy, that you mention the strength I am showing. That is not the case. It is not strength I have, it's acceptance and love. I have accepted the fact it's my turn to go forward and look after others like they have looked after me. It's love that makes me seem like I can cope. I do cope because I take each day at a time. I know that I'm loved and how do I know that? Because I love myself. If you cannot love yourself, you cannot accept other people's love. Amy, you say that I have made you realise all you have in your life, which for me is a great honour, but the truth is I haven't. You have known all along but it has been clouded by the grief of losing your brother. It's not me that has made you realise - it's you that has done all the work.

Jaynee, thank you for your reply. I am not brave. As I said in my message to Amy, I have just accepted it's my turn to move forward. I'm am so really very happy that I have helped you because that's what I intend to do. However, I would like to ask something. You say I have helped you understand; what didn't you understand before? If it's purely the matter of death, then I don't understand myself, but what I do do is look at it in a positive way so I don't begin to blame or get angry over it. My definition of death: "Death is the birth of a new life". Just because I die, I don't cease to live. Maybe that's something to think about??

Amy, Jaynee and everyone else - in my journey through the rest of my life there has been one thing that I have learnt; dreams are important. Before I learnt of my terminal illness I had a dream an ambition - I wanted to teach 4-7 year olds. In fact since I was 11 I've wanted to do that. I won't ever become a fully fledged teacher now, but I don't feel sad. I have done many many many weeks of work experience in a school and even though I was not "teacher" I was someone that they enjoyed being with. I cannot do that anymore because I'm needing extra care, but for the time that I did volunteer I got the greatest satisfaction I could ever know. What ever your dreams are - reach for them and don't stop. If there's one thing that I really wish for everyone it's that they reach their potential in life. If you do that, I'm sure your loved ones will be so very proud because you won't ever be without them. Please keep your dreams, ambitions, and desires; they're important in life.
I'm always here for you, so keep replying.
Love and Best Wishes to all
xx Shayla xx

Subject: Thank you

Thank you

You are truly amazing and you will be sadly missed when you move on. My dad died 5 years ago and I totally agree with your saying. I find that remembering him is the most painful bit. Thank you so much. message back if you want, love and hugs, Hannah xxxxx

Subject:In my passing

Hannah, Thank you for your reply. You are right I will be missed, but I know that in the end everyone will be together one day. I am so sorry to hear about your loss, it must be so hard for you. Memories can be so painful to start with, I know I still get upset over my loved ones, but I know that the memories they left me with are cherished. Cherish the memories of your loss and you will always smile. Look at them as often as you can and it won't be so hard. Smiles will follow.

I really hope that what I write on here helps many people because I know I'm not going to be on this Earth for an awfu lot longer, so helping people will make sure I die happy. Please continue to write everyone - I will be here for you all.
Best Wishes
xx Shayla xx

Subject: (no subject)

hey thyanku 4 replying, u made me understand that when i go on placement i will be ok and that the people on the ward will be ok because they have accepted. i am trainin to be a nurse and i start my placement on monday in a cancer hospital, thanku
lv jaynee

Subject: Loss

Dear Shayla As soon as i read your message and the messages from others to you i just had to write to you! And first of all to say "Hi" Acceptance is a big thing and i think its wonderful that you have it coz so many people die with out ever reaching it! I Personaly have lost so many people in my life at first i found it very hard to accept that they had gone and it wasn't untill i lost my Best Friend 3 years ago that i began to accept the death of the others i had lost! My friend was the most amazing person i'd ever meet! Like you She knew she didn't have as long as the rest of us to live she had CF (Cystic Fiabrosis)so she knew she wouldn't live as long as me or the next person! She hadn't been given a length of time to live but i think she knew deep down it wasn't long! She had accept she would died an that death wasn't far! She like you had dreams of being a social worker, she was on her way we we're doing a National Diploma in Child care an she was loving ever min of it! but she didn't forfill her dream but it never ever stopped her from doing things she wanted to do!Her Dream was alive till the very end! And i stood @ her grave stide and promised Heather for her and my DAD that i would always live my life to the fullest i would forfill my dreams! My dream was to become a nurse but when i went off to forfill that dream i realized it wasn't for me! It wasn't really my dream so i came back home and not done much @ all but work in a job i don't much enjoy @ all! Up-till now i'd forgotten my promise to Heather an my Dad and it wasn't till i read your messages that i filled with tears and felt angree with my self and thought i need to do a job i love i need to work with children again!! THANK-YOU SHAYLA Your a dime I know you friends and family are so proud of you and they will always keep your memorie & dream alive in them! Send my love to your family and friends!! luv always Kirstie P.S. The Book "Lovely bones" Is a great book to read your friends and family may want to read it!!

Subject:Dreams, Life & Death

Jaynee/Kirsty... Thank you for replying to me. Firstly I would like to say to you, Jaynee, that I really admire your strength in becoming a nurse - particularly in a cancer hospital. I really hope your placement is going well. I'd like to hear how it goes. It must be hard, but think positive and talk to patients about their feelings. Kirsty - I'm sorry to hear about your losses. It is sad that your best friend died of CF, but as she accepted it, it would be been a lot easier for her. I can understand how upsetting it must have been for you and everyone around you, but never give up. The fact that you had a dream, but decided it wasn't the right dream goes to show that deep down you know where you want to go in your life. The fact that she died before her dream was completely fulfilled, doesn't mean it wasn't fulfilled. Part of that dream was to learn as part of a national diploma and so think of it that for every topic (or whatever they are called - sorry I don't know much about them), that was another part of that dream fulfilled. You say that she was enjoying it - that is fantastic. I didn't want my message to make anyone have any tears, but I'm glad that it's made you realise something about your life. As I said in a previous message to someone else, I haven't actually made you realise anything - you knew all along, but just couldn't see it because of the cloud of grief. I would love to hear of any progress you make; make the most of every single day because when it's taken away its harder than ever. I'm sorry I haven't replied for a while, but I've been to hospital a couple of times and my illness it taking its toll on me. However, I wake up each morning and feel grateful for the life that I'm about to live :-) I love hearing from you guys, so keep replying Take Care Best Wishes x Shayla x

Subject:Message

Dear The RD4U Team, Thank you for replying to Shayla, sadly I only logged into my account today and Shayla passed away on Sunday (28th). She was convinced that she would be around for her 18th birthday but unfortunately she didn't make it. She seemed to have taken a turn for the worse and died. I saw her on Sunday morning a few hours before her death and she said to me she knew "today was the day" and for me to be happy. So thank you once again - and just like she wished I will post a message on the board Thank you Sarah (Shayla's Cousin)

Subject:sorry

i am so sorry to hear about shayla i am so sad to hear this page shayla was a brave girl she was strong but now she wont't be in any pain and she is watching everyone that cared about her she was a nice girl.

Subject: Sad news

Dear Sarah, Thank you for posting the message to let everyone know your wonderful cousin has passed away. I'm sure your family will be feeling so sad at this time but please try to take comfort from the messages Shayla left here, as so many others have done. Thank you again, and know that there are many of us here who understand how you may be feeling. We are here. Love xxx

Subject: Healing

My Mom just passed away, and she was 82...I had cared for her since 1988 and then last July she went into a nursing home where numerous errors were made regarding her care. I have been so angry about how much more suffering that caused my Mother on top of what she was suffering already. Yet, Mom found value in suffering for others...saving souls. I believe that Shayla has saved souls, too. With her beautiful words she has certainly helped this soul feel better. I believe Shayla is alive even though we do not see her. She is alive in the love she sends to others...I can feel that love.