| Subject: in such
a mess
When dad died it didnt seem real, although i knew he was so ill
its still taking its time to sink in. I cant believe i will never
see him again. My mum and dad were together for 34 years and although
i love my mum, my dad was my best friend. I got on with him so
well, where as i have never really got on with my mum. The gap
between my mum and me grew bigger as i got older too, and since
i started drinking in the pub with my dad a few years ago we became
really close. My mum has also always had a problem with alcohol
which is now getting worse since he died. She will not seek any
help and although ive told people and asked for help there is
nothing no one can do without her admitting it - which she never
will. I cant stand living at home, although sometimes my mum can
be lovely and i do love her, she can also be really hard to get
on with. I dont know how much longer i can stay at home. I have
friends i can stay with, but it isnt a long term solution. And
i think she mite kill herself if i left. Just a few seconds ago
she came in my room and told me i was a f*cking cow. These things
she says really hurt me and i cant talk to her about it cos she
just ignores me. Please dont ask me to contact any help groups
as they will tell me that she needs to admit it herself before
they can help. It's also not like she is looking after a child
anymore, im 17 and older than my years as i have had my share
of hard times. Luckily i have some really good friends that are
taking me on holiday next week, but i dont know wot i am going
to do once i get back, living with her is getting unbarable. I
cant even bring a boyfriend home without her getting drunk and
barging into my room singing or dancing. Sounds funny, but it
really really aint. My dad was the peacemaker, but now he has
gone there is no one to help us. Money is also a real problem
and i think we mite lose our house as my dad was self employed.
Another problem is i havent felt quite 'rite' since the funeral.
When i say 'rite' i mean in health. There isnt actually anything
wrong, like a cold or sore throat. But i just dont feel myself,
i feel ill but i dunno how. I wont go my Dr. as he mis dignosed
my dad, and as i found out when i tired to change dr's it is a
lot of hassle. Maybe it is just the grief that is making me feel
not quite rite, i dont know. But i have been sleeping untill at
least 12 everyday. I wouldnt say that i am depressed though, i
hardly cry at all and still go out and have fun with my friends.
I am getting paranoid there is something wrong with me, and that
I have cancer too. I know it sounds silly but i just worry about
it all the time that the reason i dont feel 'rite' is cos i have
cancer. I feel like my whole life has been turned upside down.
I hate going to 6 form and really dont want to stay on there next
year, but i have to else i will have no qualifactions. I just
wish i could go and work abroad and just have fun all the time.
But im old enough to know life aint like that. I dont know wot
i want to do with my life, but i do know i dont dont want to be
taking exams still when im 25. Everything seems such a mess, please
help me to sort things out a bit. Sammy.
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