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Message from: Lucy - 07 Apr 04

Subject: My best friend

On the 1st March, this year, my best friend, Lizzie died. We were really close, but in a different kind of way to how other best friends were close. Lizzie had cystic fiabrosis and we were in the same form at school. Over this past month I have felt so many different things. Mostly so confused that I dont know how I feel. If I am happy one day I feel guilty because I am happy, if I feel sad then I feel like I shouldnt be feeling sad because Lizzie would want me to feel sad. I know that she would want me to be geting on with my life and to be leading the normal life that she couldnt in her last years. Its just so hard.

Subject:Dear Lucy

hiya lucy I'm kirstie and i've lost my best friend to CF as well! And i can feel the way you feel! When she 1st died in 2001 i felt guilty ether way, Guilty if i were happy and guilty when i were sad!
The funny thing is i'd only known my best friend for only about a year when she died but it was one of those strange friendships that as soon as you meet someone you feel know them in side out and that you've known them forever! We just hit it off! She was such a possative person that when i was around her i could be nothing but happy! She had planned her future out and knew just what she wanted to do! She was a STAR!! Which i'm sure your friend was the same to you! Keep her happy memorie alive, keep a little smile for her!
I hope some of this has helped you and if you ever need a chat just leave me a message up here and i'll get back to you as soon as i Can
Luv
Kirstie

Subject:

Your friend sounds just like mine. She was really positive as well and we hardly ever spoke about CF... well, we never did apart from when we had to. We would also plan stuff as well... like what we were going to do in the future. It feels really sad that we will never get to do any of the things we wanted to do together.

We always planned that we would go back to California after we went together on holiday.

What was you friend called? And i know exactly what you mean with just being able to hit it off with someone straight away. It just happens between some people. I think some things are just meant to be. If you feel like me, I feel all the better off for getting to know Lizzie. At least I have the good memories which will never leave me.

Lucy.

Subject: Friends we'll never forget

HI Lucy
I fink CF must have mad our friends real strong!! My friend Heather was a real dimonde! I loved spending time wiv her!! WE were talkin about holidays b4 she died, and we talkin about bookin one me her, an our 2 other friends and i know she would have loved it!
We went anyway and had her in our thoughts all the time!!
I think we (me&u) have been real lucky knowing our friends as they brought light to our lifes and showed us how to live! Special in there own ways and i'm sure there both looking over us now smiling!!
Friends like them are angels sent to us down on earth to spread light an life to who ever they touch!!
I hope you are keep well and keeping the memory of your friend alive!!
Luv kirst

Subject:(no subject)

Yeah, coping OK. Actully I have been coping quite well. Apart from today... going to the cinema without Lizzie... it was just strange. My Mum sorted me out though.

Your so right about what you said... I am so glad that I knew Lizzie. She really did bring light into my life... and I know she is watching me somewhere probally trying to tell me just to go for it! Like she did.

Just trying to remember the good times.

Lucy

Subject:Friend are our light!

Hiya Lucy i'm glad things are going ok for you but don't worry if from time time you feel real low this is ok hun your aloud to feel like this!
I've just had a real bad week, where evereything i did or touched seemed to go wrong and all i wanted was Heather there to talk it out with so i went an sat at her grave side and talked to her there! i must have looked like i was lossing me mabbles but in knew i wasn't!
I looked her photo the other day and it was real strange i couldn't believe i wouldn't see that smiling face again but i know i will some day meet up wiv her agian on the other side but not now! For the moment i know my dad will be keeping his eye up on her up there till we meet again!
And i know she is keepin her eye on me an wishing me her best!
When the sun shines brightly our frinds are smiling from ear to ear and the beam of there smile reaches down to us!!
Take care hun and if you ever want a chat you know where i am!
Luv
Kirstie

Subject:Hey Kirstie

Hope you feeling better after your bad week. I look at Lizzies photo all the time and feel like I really cant believe this has happened... it just seems so strange and untrue.

Dont feel like you loseing your marbles for going at sitting at her grave and talking. If it helps you, its the best thing to do. I actully feel like I wish I could do that sometimes... I miss Lizzie SO much... It actully hurts inside. Lizzie was cremated and her ashes havnt been scattered yet.

Do you ever feel pain inside you? or like a sunken feeling... just the fact that everything has changed... everything that was will never be the same. I think thats the worst thing.

I know shes looking down on me... Heather is on you as well and thats comforting I think. I feel Lizzie maing my mind up for me sometimes... stopping me from doing the wrong thing.

thanks for replying!
Loads of love,
Lucy

Subject:!!Pain!! It does hurt!

Hiya Lucy
Thanks for writing back! I know i'm not loosing my mabbles sitting @ Heathers grave side it just feels so strange at times!
Yeah i feel real pain in side a strange suncon feeling don't seem to have it as much now which is good coz i really hated that feeling but no one when i explaned it to them understood it. It physically hurt to think that i couldn't see my best friend again and it was the same when i lost my Dad that pain i so hated it! I hated the feeling of not being able to control it make it go away it was just there and wouldn't leave i still get it from time to time now but not as much as i got it before and i'm glad in some strange way but it does still hurt to think i won't see them again to think that i will never hear there laugh again! but i do think to my self i will see an hear them again but just not for a while not yet i still have my life to live there was one point in my life just after my dad died i throught there was no point to my life why was i here why was i ment for this why should i live i wanted to be wiv my Dad! but i came thro i fort it was the little strength i had but that was b4 i lost Heather infact it was b4 i meet Heather and Heather showed me that life no matter what it throws at you, you should fight, fight as hard as you can and yeah there be lows but you've got to ride them wiv the highs of life and thats what keeps me going!! Thats what i try think when i'm so low i say to my self Heather fort and she had a bigger thing to fight than me so get your but up and fight it!! i'm not sying that thats you i'm just saying thats what i have to think to get my self going again when i'm starting to hit rock bottom!! I really emperthize with what you must me going through now it sounds the same as what i felt and i'm getting there taking each day as it comes its now 3yrs three howl years since Heather died and it still feels like last week!!
We'll get there i'm sure we've gott our friends up there looking over us and keepin us save!
Keep well Lucy
I'm Always here
Love
Kirstie
x

Subject: Having Strength

Yeah, its really important to have that strength to get you through a day at a time. I am really glad that you can relate to what I mean.

I am going to be doing a skydive to raise £1000 with another of my friends to raise money for the CF Trust. How scary is that! Its going in the newspapers and everything!

Heather sounds really nice, tell em more about her. How old was she when she died?

Loads love,
Lucy

Subject: **Memories**

Hiya Lucy
Thanks for getting back to us i hope what i wrote helpe you! In some strange way it helps me being able to help you!!
I hope ya Skydive goes well i don't fink i could do that your well brave!! GOOD LUCK HUN!!
You wanted to know a bit more about Heather She was a star, biggest i've ever seen!! Heather was always full of life always had a smile on her beautiful face, Couldn't say a bad thing agest anyone really!She was always there when ever i needed anyone to speak to!! She love Dolphins she had loads of dolphin stuff mad on them she was! At her funeral they played the sound of dolphins talking to each other underwater, it was beautiful, really beautiful! I've got a Tattoo of a Dolphin on my back and its in memorie of Heather not like i can forget her but its for her!! If you go look on RD4U's Gallery bit and look @ the poems there's one on there i've written for Heather its called "A poem for someone special"
Thats what i do i write poem's it makes me feel so much more free in some way!! Its a great release!
It sounds like Lizzie was real nice tell me more about her thats if you don't mind?!
You take now hun
and GOOD LUCK in the skydive
Luv
Kirstie

Subject:Your Poem

Aw, Kirstie! Your poem os really nice! Its a really good poem.

Loads of love,
Lucy

Subject:Hey Kirstie!

Like Heather Lizzie was always happy! Always smileing. Even when she was ill she would still act as though everything was fine. Did you used to go to hospital and visit? Lizzie never used to let me. It was just her way of dealing with things. AShe didnt like me to see her when she was ill. That was hard, especially nearer the end when I hadnt seen her for ages. However, I just had to accept it. I still wrote her letters all the time anyway. God, I really miss her. Just all the fun we used to have together.

Its wierd that you say that you had a tatoo done. I was thinking of getting one done. Not sure what of though... but something Lizzie would like. Its a nice idea though.

The skydive has gone wild! I am scared but also looking forward to it. It was on the front page of the newspaper and evrything! I couldnt believe it. It was something that Lizzie would have done! So, I am going to do it for her! If they put the link up you can read about it here - http://www.leicestermercury.co.uk/displayNode.jsp?nodeId=132407&command=displayContent&sourceNode=132390&contentPK=10552181

Its really scary!

Really nice hearing from you!
Loads of l;ove,
Lucy

Subject:**Special things for special friends**

Hiya lucy
I read that link you put on for me it sounds a real brave thing your doing and you've got everyone's support!! Also read the link from that to the CF one and i'm going to donate some money towards it as i know its a brill course and the money is well worth it!! I know Lizzie would be proud of you i fink any mate would be!!!

No Heather didn't let me visit her in hospital ether she didn't like you to see her when she was ill!! Which i wish i could have spent more time with her as nearer it got to her death!! I really miss her!

I WISH YOU ALL THE LUCK IN THE WORLD FOR THIS SKYDIVE AND MOST OF ALL HAVE FUN!!

Keep you special memorie of Lizzie alive always in your thoughts as in know it will be as mine of Heather is too!!
You take care hun
LUV
Kirstie

Subject: Thank you so much!

Aw, Kirstie thankyou so much for your donation! That is rerally cool!

Gawd, finally, someone who understands about the hospital thing! I mean, IO think most people I tell about that just accept it but its good you know what I am talking about having gone through the same thing. I think people think that because Lizzie didnt want me to visit we werent that close but that really wasnt th case. In the end I just had to accept it because that is just the way that Lizzie wanted it. Yeah, sure I wish I could have visited more but it just wasnt like that. I used to write though - like, four or five times a week sometimes. I really miss Lizzie as well as you do Heather.

It isnt actully that klong until the skydive and I am really scared. I had another £250 donation yesterday and I am in another newspaper (horrible photo though).

Its really nice speaking lkike this.

Loads of love,

Lucy

Subject:Hiya Lucy

So then how did the sky dive go? I bet you were well nervous!! But I bet you did Lizzie proude!!! WELL DONE LUCY!!!
So how are you doing?
Good i hope i've been ok very busy but i've got some time off work @ the mo so i'm just sitting aound doing nothing and its the best feeling ever but i do get well bored!! Need things to do!!
So how much did you rase in doing the sky dive?
Anyway hope your keep well
I'm always here if you want anything i'll get rite back to you!
Luv
Kirstie

Subject:The Skydive

Hey! I am fine thanks... hope you OK.

The skydive was really cool... I really enjoyed it! I was really scared amd I had to hang about for ages waiting for the cloud to clear which didnt help. It was really cool though and I want to go do it again now! I think when all the money comes in I will have raised over £3000 which is far more than I thought I would have! Some people have been really gnerous... Thanks for your donation by the way! That was really cool.

I had a job over the summer after finishing at college. I got 2 B's and a C in my Al-levels which was a shock seeing as I failed in January and I thought I had failed again. It wasnt exactly the best christmas with Lizzie and stuff though. So yeah, I dont have a job anymore and have got to look for one now! I am really busy though doing random stuff.

I have been at Reading festival over the weekend which was cool. Saw loads of bands and stuff and just had fun really! Have you been doing anything fun since you have some time off work?

Anyway... I need sleep so had better go!

Loads of love,

Lucy

Subject:Hiya

Hiya Lucy Glad you ahd fun doing the sky dive! You've raised loads well done its for a brilliant course! WELL DONE Wiv ya A-Levels thats well good! You desve them wiv all the stuff which has happened you've done really well!!
So what type of job ya going to go for?
I've just put in for a new job as a Trainee Emergency Medical Technician, i hope i get an interview as i'd love to give it a go, I think i'd really like it! I'm really keeping my fingers crossed, but before i get an interview i've got to go for an exam on First aid, The highway code and Maths, I just hope i can pass the exams don't know if me maths is up to it!!
I didn't get up to much when i was on hol just did odd jobs here and there really wish i could have got away it would have done me the world of good!!
Hay can't believe the weather now its lovely an warm how mads that? bad aug and wonderful sept!!

Have fun speak soon
Luv
Kirstie

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