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Message from: sarah - 31 Mar 04

Subject: well here goes...

hi, i have a little trouble opening up to people but i htought this website might help. im constantly pushing people away. i dont want them to think im weak. it makes my boyfriend quite angry, he says i have more than enough reasons to have troubles and that i should b able to talk. its not that easy. it all started in 2001 when i lost one of my aunts to cancer. i was just 15, the same age as my cousin. then in 2003 i lost my other closer aunt to cancer, a close family friend and old teacher and most importantly my mum, 4 days after my 17th and 3 days before christmas. i now live with my stepdad but the other day the hospital sad they think he has testicular cancer. my world is crumbling. everyone is leaving me, why? what have i done wrong?

Subject:some sunshine

Hey Sarah, just e-mailing to send some love and hugs, I kind of have an idea of what your going through, at one point a few years ago people just kept dying of cancer every 1 or 2 weeks and this went on until about 8 people died, it was really scary cos everyone was literally just dying at once, while they weren't people I was close to I can still get a rough idea. You must be going through hell.
I grieve in a similar way, I just can't talk about with people and chances are they wont have a clue what your going through. I'm glad you came to this website, keep talking!
Everyone may be leaving you but I'm sure its not out of their own choice! Everyone you miss will love and or care for you in some way, I'll stop rambling on now! Hope you can get by, crizzielizzie xXx

Subject:sarah

poor you. i'm sure you are probably sick of hearing it, but it must be so hard for you and i think you're really brave.
i understand how you must be feeling to an extent though. i also lost my mum age 8, though she died suddenly in a car crash. now for me almost 7 years later i am still finding it hard to come to terms with. especialy with my friends around me with all of their loving mothers, i dont think they realise how lucky they are. i then lost my grandmother, then my nana to a sroke. i was very close to nana. then in feb this year my best&closest friend of 15 years died, in a road accident. and god i miss her so much. she had always been there and now she is gone, i dont know where and i am so confused as to why i deserve all of this, and why maz and mum had to die. why do people like you and i lose the people we love? it sounds selfish but all i can think is why me? its not fair.
anna- my best friends mum, has always been like a mum to me and i found out that she has cancer 2 days ago. they think it is treatable though.
do you talk to people about how you are feeling? i think this is the most important thing. dont hide your feelings. i did that and its screwed me up.
i know what you mean about finding it hard to connect as well.
is it that you are scared of being hurt (it sounds such a petty word doesnt it?!) i always feel now when i go away on holiday
'oh no what if something happens and i dont see ....... again' i find i am scared, of losing people all of the time.
if you ever want to talk, then i will listen.
i hope things are ok for you at the moment
xx
izzy

Subject:Your father

Im 13 and youre not alone my father died when i was nine and none of my friends understand how hard it is not to grow up with out a dad around. one of my friends teased me about my father which i could never forgive underneath but on top you have to be strong darling.

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