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message no. 2628

From: Wil

Subject: here today gone tomorrow
My mum died of cancer on the 26th may 2007
A few days later and not long after her funeral I had a dream which lasted maybe a few minutes due to my alarm going off and waking me up (I wish I had the alarm turned off) because in this dream I was all of a sudden in a grey looking room or area  I  noticed a tall slim figure standing to 1 side but couldn’t make out what it was and what looked like my dad (still alive) sitting or squatingdown on the floor (but I cant be sure if it was my dad but I got the feeling it was him) I was walking towards who I knew was my mum She was sitting down in what I believe was a chair or on a bench, mum had the look of peace and curiosity on her face (she looked happy but curious) as I approached my mum and saw her smiling face I teared up and started hugging her telling her I miss her and I love her so very much, she was smiling, she was happy.
Moments later my alarm went off, and I felt over whelmed with sadness, I wanted to go back and be with her again, I tried going back to sleep but nothing happened I get up and get ready for work and thought about what I had experienced for the rest of the day and still to this day I think about that dream. It felt so real and there is no doubt in my mind I got the chance to say a final goodbye to my mum and it was her way of letting me know she is okay. I have not had any similar dreams since and as much as I want to see my mum again in my dreams it never happens.
All I know for sure is I love and miss my mum with all my heart and soul and I struggle everyday with the sadness of her death.
I just want her back and for everything to be the way it was before, but I know it will never be the same again. I have pretty much had to deal with my mums death by myself as we as a family never try to show our emotions and I have no1 I can share my pain with or talk about it with so I keep it all inside. Maybe Im dealing with some kind of depression and constant sadness. I really don’t care if I live or die,  I feel like ive had enough of life and would give almost anything to be where ever it is my mum is. I do believe eventually I will take my own life as I think about it more and more these days the only reason I haven’t as yet is because of my dad and the heart ache it would cause him, he deserved better in life and did not deserve to lose his wife and it breaks my heart because I know the pain hes going through and I can do nothing about it.
1 thing I know now is I do not care about life or if I die. I don’t care about the way of the world etc…Maybe im selfish but its how I feel on a daily basis and its tearing me apart.  

From RD4U:
We are sorry to hear that your mum died of cancer. It is good that you have posted this message and then other young people can reply. In addition to our website we also have a Freephone Helpline on 08088081677 which is open from 930am to 5pm Monday to Friday. Another helpful helpline is Childline on 0800 1111 which is open 24 hours a day. If you want to see one of our bereavement support workers, please click here for details of our branches. We hope this is helpful.

Reply from: Danielle
Subject : mum
Hi Wil
I know how you feel. My mum died on the 19th may 2007.I miss her so much.I am now in a foster family because of my mum dieing over christmas I had a dream that someone was breaking into the house and all i wanted to do is keep mum safe.I woke up from that dream wanting mum I asked myself where am I ? then it all came back to me that i am in a foster family this is my room and mum is not here anymore.It was so hard i just cried because i want mum back.Since a young child age 9 I was mums career I helped her because she suffered from failing kidneys Me and mum were there for eachother now she has gone I feel alone.I selfharm to get the anger out.Everyday I want to kill myself because i cant cope with out mum i am not a person without mum.I dont know why i am still living.Befor christmas i did try to kill myself.I filled out a form for holding on letting go.My question is how can you hold on and let go at the same time ?I am scared of living and i am scared of dying.
Reply from: wil
Subject : Danielle
Its so hard but i dont want you to hurt yourself, all i can say is try and get through each day like im trying to do, someone told me to Live for my mum, she wouldnt want me to hurt myself as it would hurt our mum also, she would want me to live He was right. WE have to keep living for our parents, she gave me life and i cant take that away from her, it just wouldnt be fair. it has taken me a long time to realize this and as painfull as it is we both have to keep living for our mums.. We will see them again, just not at this moment.. so please keep on living and take care..

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