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message no. 2597

From: Carly

Subject:: My Mum my Best Friend.
I lost my Mum on the 21.11.09 it was a traumatic experience for me, as one minute she was her normal self, the next shes hooked up on machines fighting for her life. one night she came home from work, feeling really hot and a bit flu-ish. sometimes when she complained of feeling ill id think she was putting it on a bit and id not be so caring. but this time i could tell, she really wasn't herself. so i sat with her, and did everything she asked for and more, then i went to bed. i was woken up by a phone call the next morning, it was flashing 'Mum' on the screen. i answered, and said, why are you calling me from your room, and giggled. she replied, im in hospital, but i dont want you to worry, there just running some tests, although they are all looking at me funny. so i got ready and went to work. i visited my mum that night, and for some reason i had a nasty feeling, you see my mum hated hospitals, and every family member ive known to go into our local hospital, has never come back out. so i was feeling extra uneasy! i joked around with my mum about some silly things, and then i had to go, i hugged her sooo tight, and then i started to cry, and my mum wiped my tears and asked why i was crying, i said, because i never thought id see you lieing here, but i know you will be ok, and as i was walking up the corridoor, i got a text from my mum, saying 'i love you so much princess' SO the next couple of days they descovered my mum had a strain of swine flu in her lungs, and put her into isolation. Everytime i went to visit i had to wear a mask and gloves, and each time i saw my mum she was looking weaker and weaker, complaining more of pain, and becoming easily upset. it was coming upto her 51st birthday, so i wanted to buy her something extra special i knew she would really love, a designer handbag i knew she wanted, and chanel mascara, and chanel deoderant. i was so excited to give them to her, while i was in liverpool shopping, i was getting texts saying that shes being moved down to ITU where she was having a machine put on her to help her breathe easier. i walked in that night to see her with a bubble like thing on her head, and she did not look amused in the slightest. so they kept that on her for a couple of days, and then it was mums birthday. we took her cards in and she opened them, but didnt really take in what was written in them. i could tell she was giving up the fight, she was on the strongest antibiotics, still on tamiflu, and all other medication, tubes cuming out of her wrists, hands and chest! a doctor came into her room, and said, 'so gill, how are you feeling?, can you breath ok?' my mum was trying to talk, and managed to get out she wanted to be ventillated, the doctor tried to talk her into staying on this bubble thing a bit longer, but my mum was insistant. and so they ventillated her, for 18 days...18 days of wondering, hoping, sadness, that feeling you can be with her and talk to her, but not knowing whats going through he mind or if she'll ever talk again. on the 21.11.09 at 4.15pm, my mum had her ventillator switched off. it took around 5 minutes for my mums lung and heart to stop fighting for her life. and all i could think was, why my mum, the woman who tried so hard to be every ones friend, and help those closest to her whatever the cost. My best friend, wripped away from me in such a short yet dramatic time. i never imagined my mum to die so young, she was so beautiful, and so wise, im struggling to cope without her, every little problem i had i went to her with. so when they say, swine flu isnt a killer anymore...its only been just over a year since it stole my mum from her two daughters, such a beautiful angel.

I didn't cry at the funeral, infact i laughed, because to me, it wans't my mum we were cremating, it wasn't true!! i comforted my sister, and thought, why can't i cry? i tried to, because that is what was expected of me. but i couldn't. yet everyday since, iv'e cried, and i can't stop. i feel guilt, regret, and anger. its coming between me and my sister because i feel she hasn't given me a chance to grieve the way i needed to, moving her boyfriend in merely days after my mum died. getting pregnant a month after my mum died. and so im living in a house i feel is no longer my own, with my sister, her partner and their baby, im an outcast in my own home. im bubbling up inside, and feeling so many emotions its turning my head to mush. i dare not say anything as i can't be bothered with falling out. ive suffered in silence, and today i saw a doctor, whos advised me to visit Cruse. has anybody else out there who has ever experienced something similar to me? i'd love to talk to you about it, i desperately need help to deal with this now before it eats me up.


Reply from: Danielle

Subject : mum
I lost my mum when I was 11 my mum has been dead three years.I only had mum as my family.My dad died 2 weeks befor my first birthday.My mum was always in and out of hospital because she had kidney faluer so I did not have a childhood.I would look after mum.We stuck together because we only had eachother.I was my mums career but at 9 I was taken into care because social services felt my mum was getting worse. 2 years later she died.My mum was such a fighter she would always put a smile on her face even though she knew things were bad she fighted for life just for me.Mum would never want to stay in hospital because she wanted 2 be at home looking after me.Docters would always ask me to tel mum she has to stay in hospital and get better then she can come home and look after me.Mum only listened to me she did not want no one to get between me and mum.I was always use to see mum in chubes and dribes and bleeding but when I saw mum the day befor she died I knew mmum could not fight anymore mum did not even look like my mum she looked so weak she had a breathing mask on and she could hardly talk but the one clear thing she said was.I am always thinking of you and I replied I am thinking of you to mum.Three years my mum has been gone and I still feel empty I cry and cry because I feel alone me and mum were so close always together now I will never see her.It is hard because I am 15 now not long left at school.I just want mum to be alive to see me grow up.Mum tried so hard to look after me but her kidney faluer stopped her doing my mum was a fighter and I wil tell you why.

Docters said my mum would not live untill 30 she did.Docters told my mum she would not have children mum had me
mum lived 17 years longer then docters said she was
my mum was always proving people wrong always put people befor herself.The pain gets easier but it never goes.You have your good days where you can have a good day but theen you have a bad day when you so want yoour mum and you just cry and cry I felt like that the other day when I went to mums headstone and it was in a real mess.

I understand how you feel just keep strong because your mum is looking down on you from up above and she wants you to be happy.Hope I have helped.I feel sorry for you that you feel a out sider because you sister has a baby and a boyfriend I can imagne how that must make you feel alone but keep strong you are not the only one other people feel the same as you.We can get through it but with help.I have had 12 sessions of counselling and I still feel so upset

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