Subject : Please read, anyone who has lost a close relative...
I am 20 years old. i lost my mum a week ago to breast cancer. she was, still is, my entire world. i loved her so much.
anyway, i have a friend whose also lost a mum 4 years ago, and she sent me this message. i hope it is ofsome help to you...
First of all I just want to let you know that it doesn't sound bad at all to say that you're mum was your life. A mother, daughter relationship is an unbelievably strong thing. It's that inexplicable link that means our species can continue.....so yeah she was your life, she's part of you. It's a really odd and bitter-sweet thing to say, but even more so now your mum will always be your life. I hope that makes sense...
In terms of courage and strength, that comes from necessity and necessity alone. When people have said in the past that I've come through the last few years with courage it's because they don't see the inside where my heart is in shreds, they don't see the pain of days when I can't carry on....
It feels horrible to say that, because I'd love to be able to say that it hurts like hell for like six months and then you start building up out of it...But actually it's easier, there's no time limit on how long you're allowed to feel like shit. Grief and grief in this severity is a life long process, professional psychologist type people say that it takes 5 years to actually just accept a death...that's just accepting, they don't say anything about learning to cope. I know that's a really crap sounding message, that this is a horrible long term thing, but there is advice that goes with that.
For the first few months I told myself that I wasn't allowed to feel certain things and that just get's you in a mess. Let yourself feel whatever your body or your mind is telling you to... that can spread the spectrum of allowing yourself to do nothing, see no one, think nothing on the days when you feel like you can't do anything else; but also allowing yourself happiness when it comes. Don't expect anything from yourself. Your grief is individual to you, just as your relationship with your mum was, so don't think you have to feel anything other people are. Just feel what you feel.
Also, and I want to be really clear that in saying life and reality/normality I am talking about two completely different things. Your life, is you, it's your experience, your relationships; it's you. Reality or normality is what needs to happen, it's jobs, its uni, its cooking, it's shopping. If anybody says to you "life goes on" please punch them in the face, cos they're lying and deluded. Life doesn't go on, and it won't do for a long time, I'm 4 years on and my life hasn't moved 1 inch. However reality does move, it always does. Things always need to happen, so allow yourself to re-enter reality when you can manage it, but leave it when you can't. Find comfort in the fact that your normality doesn't stop here, and you can dip in and out of it while carrying a broken and frozen life.
This message is really long, and it probably is just me going on and not making a lot of sense. But take what little bits of it you can, take each bit of advice at a time and try and get it straight in your head. Because hopefully it will help.
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