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message no. 2511

From: Claire

Subject : Please read, anyone who has lost a close relative...
I am 20 years old. i lost my mum a week ago to breast cancer. she was, still is, my entire world. i loved her so much.
anyway, i have a friend whose also lost a mum 4 years ago, and she sent me this message. i hope it is ofsome help to you...

First of all I just want to let you know that it doesn't sound bad at all to say that you're mum was your life. A mother, daughter relationship is an unbelievably strong thing. It's that inexplicable link that means our species can yeah she was your life, she's part of you. It's a really odd and bitter-sweet thing to say, but even more so now your mum will always be your life. I hope that makes sense...

In terms of courage and strength, that comes from necessity and necessity alone. When people have said in the past that I've come through the last few years with courage it's because they don't see the inside where my heart is in shreds, they don't see the pain of days when I can't carry on....
It feels horrible to say that, because I'd love to be able to say that it hurts like hell for like six months and then you start building up out of it...But actually it's easier, there's no time limit on how long you're allowed to feel like shit. Grief and grief in this severity is a life long process, professional psychologist type people say that it takes 5 years to actually just accept a death...that's just accepting, they don't say anything about learning to cope. I know that's a really crap sounding message, that this is a horrible long term thing, but there is advice that goes with that.
For the first few months I told myself that I wasn't allowed to feel certain things and that just get's you in a mess. Let yourself feel whatever your body or your mind is telling you to... that can spread the spectrum of allowing yourself to do nothing, see no one, think nothing on the days when you feel like you can't do anything else; but also allowing yourself happiness when it comes. Don't expect anything from yourself. Your grief is individual to you, just as your relationship with your mum was, so don't think you have to feel anything other people are. Just feel what you feel.

Also, and I want to be really clear that in saying life and reality/normality I am talking about two completely different things. Your life, is you, it's your experience, your relationships; it's you. Reality or normality is what needs to happen, it's jobs, its uni, its cooking, it's shopping. If anybody says to you "life goes on" please punch them in the face, cos they're lying and deluded. Life doesn't go on, and it won't do for a long time, I'm 4 years on and my life hasn't moved 1 inch. However reality does move, it always does. Things always need to happen, so allow yourself to re-enter reality when you can manage it, but leave it when you can't. Find comfort in the fact that your normality doesn't stop here, and you can dip in and out of it while carrying a broken and frozen life.

This message is really long, and it probably is just me going on and not making a lot of sense. But take what little bits of it you can, take each bit of advice at a time and try and get it straight in your head. Because hopefully it will help.

Reply from: danielle

Subject : mum
i miss mum so much we were so close i use to look after mum help her with her machine because she had failling kidneys my mum was my inspiration the last thing she said 2 me befor she died was i am thinking of you .i am sorry to hear you lost your mum xxx

i am sorry 2 read u lost your mum i lost my mum when i was 11 and i am now 14 even though three years has gone by i still miss mum so much she was my only family i did not know my dad my mum had failling kidneys so i would always help connext her machine up my mum was a fighter she was my inspiration i was taken into care when i was 9 because mum got too ill i sarww my mum the day befor she died and the last thing she said 2 me is that she was thinking of me i have just finished having 12 sessions of counselling i know mum would want me 2 carry on and make her proud but sometimes i just feel im facing the world alone .mums death is becoming more clear to me because i am older when i was 11 i did not really accept mum has gone but now im 14 and im soon leaving school or i have periods i realise how much i need mum how much she is missing out on her little girls life mum always tried to be the best she blamed her self for having failling kidneys and being ill but i always said 2 her it does not matter all i am grateful 4  is that u r my mum .i hope you are ok i really do feel for you xx isend u and your family my love .you sound like you are strong

Reply from: Daisy
Hi Claire,

I lost my mum last month to lung cancer, I am only just in my twenties.  My mum was so so young as well, it was all so unexpected.

I know totally how you must be feeling.  I just don't understand what has happened. Like, I dont want it to be true so much, that my mind tells me it is true..but somehow I just can not believe it. It's too painful.

What your friend wrote sounds invaluable, very wise words.
If you want to talk, just msg back

Reply from: Susanna
Subject : thankyou claire and claires friend
i found that piece written by your friend so refreshingly honest.
ive actually copied it and want to keep it in a book im compiling of bits and pieces that touch onto what im feeling.

im constantly being told that im being so strong, that im coping so well etc etc...
but like that message said, these people dont see the images in my thoughts while im talking to them about their tutors/lectures/arguement with their friend over petty crap, and they dont feel how physically tired my heart feels after a night of crying and nightmares.
so to get up in the morning to carry on with 'life', takes twice the effort and energy of a normal person on bad days.
and i feel pride in that.
and on the days i just cant get out of bed, i let myself stay warm and snuggled up if thats what will make me happy.

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