Subject: not really coping.
hey,
i dont really know why im writing. i dont even expect a reply, but thought it might help me just writing something down.
i just dont feel like im coping very well at the moment. i lost my Grandted five years ago. i was 14. i was upstairs in my bedroom leaning againsst the wall that connects to the bathroom, reading. i heard him coughing badly and then being sick but was so scared that i just sat there for ten mins listening. eventually i knocked on the door and he said he was fine so i left. but the coughing got worse and after another ten mins i finaly i went to get my dad. he got him to open the door and they went into the spare room and i got my mum. they rang for an ambulance but it took a long time, i was waiting outside for it, but when they got here they wouldnt hurry up and i was too scared to speak, to tell them how bad it was. they went upstairs, and i followed and he was on the bed, had been sick and my dad was shouting at him, to keep him awake. one of the ambulance men ran downstairs and pushed past me and went down. they carried him downstairs on a stretcher with an oxygen mask on. i wanted to tell him i loved him but was too frightened and had to get my brother out of sight of the ambulance cos he was too upset. they ambulance people were shouting at each other outside and the ambulance stayed there for ages. it was only afterwards that i found out they didnt have some kit and couldnt get to the hospital in time. he died in our driveway.
i know i shouldnt but i keep blaming myself, that i should have got someone sooner, if the ambulance had been called sooner he might have got to the hospital in time. i cant really talk to my parents or anyone about this because it was my mums dad and she is still broken hearted about it and my dads sister, my auntie janet, died in 2002 and I dont want him to think that I miss my grandad more than her, which i know is insane. i can never be upset at home which means that i havent cried properaly about it ever. even when i found out that he had died, i held it in so as not to make things worse for my mum, auntie and nanna.
ive had a few nights here at uni recently when ive had too much to drink and have ended up crying about it without being able to stop and that if im awak late at night i start for no reason, or get upset about something else but it all comes back to him, no matter what the original reason was. i just really dont feel like im coping very well at the moment and even though i have great friends and im really close to my family and boyfriend, i dont feel like i have anyone to talk to or cry with.
i feel stupid that it has been 5 years and yet i still break down about this. its like 4am and i should be asleep but i cant at the mo. other people on here hav had worse than me, my grandad was 80 and had a good life but it was such a shock, hed been so healthy. i just dont know what to think anymore.
i dont expect a response, its enough that ive been able to write it all down.
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