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message no. 235

Message from: Dana - 29 Jan 04

Subject: My Dad

My Dad died a little more than 3 weeks ago. He was the best and i loved him alot. Everyone keeps one saying that they are so sorry but i don't know what to say to them. I do want to talk to some one but i don't what to seem like i'm trying to make them sorry for me. The people that I have heard that have lost there Fathers always cry a lot but i only cryed when i found out, at the funeral, and when ever someone really talks to me about it. I've been so busy. the day after the funeral i had to go back to school.
i'm the only one in my school who has lost their Father. I need advice and i need it bad. Please anyone who can help. Dana

Reply from: Sophie - 02 Feb 04

Subject: My Dad

Hi my name is Sophie, i m 19 and i lost my dad two and half months ago. What you are feeling is totally normal. I avent cried that much, what i have been told is that you grieve the way you want to grieve. If you dont want to cry them you dont have to, it isnt stupid or you re not abnormal if you dont. The pain of losing my dad is easing but i still think about him. Just grieve how you want to.

Reply from: Jenny - 03 Feb 04

Subject: my mum

I just want to say that I lost my mum nearly a month ago and I feel just like you. I don't really cry that much I think I just feel numb and I really want to talk to someone too. I think that it's very unlikely though, that if we were to try and talk to someone that they would think that we were trying to make them feel sorry for us so I think it's worth giving a go. It will really help as well I think cos it would help us know how we're feeling. I think it's ok not to cry too much just do what you feel like - I find that there are days when I almost forget and am ok and then others when it's horrible and I feel really sad and depressed. I am sending lots of love to you Dana.

Reply from: Jo - 05 Feb 04

Subject: My dad

Hi this is the first time i've been on this site and i feel pretty screwed up. My dad was an alcoholic and he and my mum split up at the beginning of december on the 30th of december, he died of a heart attack. Because for the last year or so i have felt quite angry toward my dad, i dont reli know how i feel about his death. i know that i loved him deeply, but evrything seems so unreal and so wierd that its hard to take in. Thanks for listening

Reply from: Dana - 05 Feb 04

Subject: (no subject)

Thank you for writing. I would really like to talk to you. Most of my friends and family are there for me but i just want my space. my parents weren't married any more so my moms side really didn't know him that well. So i don't want to talk to them and if i talk about it with my dads side they start crying. so the only one who i can talk with is my brother and he is haveing a hard time and i don't think he wants to talk about it. So it is really nice to have some one to talk to. What do you say to people who say that they are sorry? And is there a nice way to tell people to stop and that they aren't helping? Please tell me about you and we can help each other. Dana

Reply from: Jenny - 06 Feb 04

Subject: to Dana

I think it's really good that you're trying to talk to people even if it's not easy which is what I've found. I have a brother too and I've found that he also doesn't really want to talk but I think it's really worth trying because it will help both of you. Tears can be really healing so if you can, talking to your Dad's side would help I think, because one day I think the pain will fade when you talk about him and just happy memories will be left. When people say they are sorry I usually just say 'thank you' because that's what I find easiest.
It’s really hard I agree to tell people to stop. I try sometimes to change the subject or maybe just tell them as nicely as I can to stop but I don’t really know how.
Do you have any difficulty concentrating at school? I’ve found that I do sometimes which can be difficult. I find sometimes that my friends annoy me sometimes when they complain about silly things or go on about their mums. Do you find that? Sometimes it makes me angry and other times I feel like crying.
I hope you enjoy your weekend and maybe find time just to forget if that's what you feel like - I did that last night and watched FRIENDS which was fun!

Reply from: Dana - 09 Feb 04

Subject: Dad

Thanks for the message. Sometimes it is hard to concentrating in school when the subject remides me of my dad. Besides that I try to concentrate on school. My Dad was really proud of my good grades so I'm trying to keep them up. Plus if I don't my mom will think there is something wrong with me and send to a consler person. Which she already has done and I don't what to do more. I have a friend and she say that this years has been worse for her then for me and it is really annoying. Most of my other friend give me my space when i need it and are there when i need them and they don't presser me to talk about it. Also they helped sent people straight about what happened. The News Paper made it sound like he killed him self which he didn't. I was wondering how old you are? Does it ever bother you the way you family reacts? like your aunts and uncles. My family is so annoying. Some of my aunts won't go into the same room as my grandma and they fight a lot about who gets his stuff and it is really hard on me and my brother. Well write back.

Reply from: Jenny - 10 Feb 04

Subject: (no subject)

thanx for your message. I'm 16 how old are you? My mum was also really proud of my grades so I'll try to keep that up. I am very sorry that you had to deal with the added pain of the newspaper saying the wrong thing which must have made it even harder. It was good that your friends were there for you to help you out though. It must be horrid having to deal with people arguing about your Dad's stuff, I had one argument with my Dad which was horrid and it made me miss my mum even more. Do you talk to your friends at school about how your feeling? I don't and I don't know if I want to - does it help? Please write back!

Reply from: Dana - 19 Feb 04

Subject: (no subject)

I was 13 when he died but I just had my birthday so now I'm 14. I don't talk to my freind about it that much. Most of my freind start crying when i talk about it and then I end up trying to help them. It will help if you find someone that will listen to you and confort you. Do you feel more watch now? I do and It is driving me crazy. I feel like i don't have any space. Do you miss your mom alot? Did you ever feel like it wasn't happening? Please write back. Dana

Reply from: Jenny - 20 Feb 04

Subject: (no subject)

I agree that it feels like everyone's watching you sometimes. It's annoying. Yeah I miss my mum a lot sometimes more than others - we just went away for a few days and I missed her then. It's feels like it's not happening sometimes - is it the same for you? Sometimes I make myself stay busy and that's usually when. It sounds really difficult with your friends at school when they start crying - it must be difficult for you to comfort them when you are the one who needs the real comfort. You must be really brave. How are you getting on with your mum and your brother? It is easier to talk to your brother now or not? I've found that I'm getting on ok with my brother and dad. Please write back

Reply from: Dana - 23 Feb 04

Subject: (no subject)

Hey I still don't talk to my brother that much. My mom signed me and my brother up for a consuling thing. It's ok. I feel like it's not happening alot of the time. That is what most likly gets me through the day. Today we went to clean out his house. It was hard because my mom didn't understand why we would want to keeps some of the things. My mom has never really lost someone so she dosen't know what it's like. She trys to understand but she cans. Is there anyone like that you know? Does any of your friend really bug you now because they think that there life is a lot harder when all they have is a little head ack and some homework? There is only one of my friends so right now i'm just staying away from her. How did you find out that your mom had died? I know something was wrong when he didn't come and pick me up at my mom's house. My mom called my Aunt to go check on him. The next morning she woke me up and told me he has died. My Grampa was the one who found him. I felt so bad for him. You don't have to answer this if you don't want to. How did your mom died? My dad died because he drank a lot and his body couldn't handle it any more. Please write back soon. Dana

Reply from: Jenny - 24 Feb 04

Subject: (no subject)

I feel the same as you most of the time - like it's not happening. It ok I think because it's impossible to take in quickly so this way it's more slow. My dad made it a bit difficult for me to keep some of the things and I cried a lot but it was difficult for him too. I got on better with my friends today, I've just found they most have little annoying complaining moments which are difficult for me but I can deal with them. It must be hard for you having to avoid your friend - I hope they'll realise soon and make it easier for you. Was your dad's death unexpected? It sounds so - I think that makes it a bit harder even. My mum died from liver cancer, I knew she might die for a year and then about Christmas time I knew that she would die very soon. I was with my mum when she died, she was in the room I'm writing this. The doctor had been 1/2 hour before and said that she'd probably live for 2 days but she didn't. After she'd died I felt like looking out of the window into the sky because my mum wasn't here anymore she was up there. I really believe that and I believe that God's helping us but it's very hard to understand why. Do you ever say why, why did this happen? How's your Grampa doing? I hope he's coping ok, my Grampa (dad of my mum) is still alive and is difficult for him but he seems to be going on ok. Please write back.

Reply from: Dana - 26 Feb 04

Subject: (no subject)

My dad's death was very unexpected. He had just got'n out of a program ot help him quit drunking. We all thought he better again. He had been clean for awail but then he started drunking again. There is only one freind right now that i don't really want to be around but I felt this away before this happened. She said that her life is alot harder than mine. Oh well I still have my other friends who are being very suportive right now. It must have been very hard to be there when she died. I don't think I would have been able to handle it. Yes i do wonder why this has happened. It is very hard but then we have to remenber that God has a reason for everything. My Grampa is fine. This is his second child. My Aunt died before i was born. I look alot like her. So when ever my other Aunts see me they always get alittle sad. This Thursday is my dad's birthday. I will be hard. We are plannning to visit the grave. Do you ever thing about all the thing they are going to miss? Well write back. Dana

Reply from: Jenny - 27 Feb 04

Subject: (no subject)

It must be really hard that you thought your dad was better but then he died. I thought at times, like last summer that my mum was better cos she was and then she died. It's horrid. I hope that your dad's birthday is a managable as it can be, I'm dreading birthdays I'll think it'll be more noticeable then. Sorry this isn't encouraging but I think it's true it will be horrid but it will also be nice to have a day dedicated to remembering your dad and the happy times. I do think about all the things that my mum won't be there for, future wedding, children, uni, life and it's really sad and it's difficult to see how a happy day like a wedding could be really happy without my mum. Do you think about it? Lots of luv to you

Reply from: emily - 27 Feb 04

Subject: avoiding

when my dad died my friends avoided me for ages because i got really depressed and they didnt know what to say.
if this happens to u, i advise u to tell all your close friends to their face about how you are feeling and that they shouldn't avoid you. it helps you get through this much easier if u talk to someone

Reply from: Dana - 02 Mar 04

Subject: (no subject)

Hey yes it is nice to have a day to remeber them. His birthday went ok. Near then end a boy that i have to work with wasn't being very helpful in the project we were working on and I got really frusterated and that added up with everything else going on made me start to cry but some of my friends were there for me. I think about it some days but school helps take it off my mind.

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