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message no. 222

Message from: Zoe - 15 Jan 04

Subject: my dad killed himself 16 years ago

my dad took his own life when i was just 2. i only found out that he killed himself 5 years ago and then got sent to boarding school, ive never really delt with it and i find i can talk to people bout it but never really open up completely bout wots goin on in my head. he did it right before xmas the 17th, and my bf came to his grave with me this year, we have now broke up and hes the only person who has come the nearest to haw i feel. now ive lost him as well i finding even worse to deal with, i dont seem to be able to keep it all inside like i used to, ive started cutting myself to release the pain. my two closest mates have their own problems to deal with, which i have been there for them, but they dont seem to be there for me. its hard. so so hard.

Reply from: citizen x - 19 Jan 04

Subject: (no subject)

hi zoe,sorry to hear about your dad,i know it was 16 years ago but it still must be hard for you at times,coz he died wen u were so young and u didnt really get a chance to know him properly and then it must have been so hard to find out he took his own life.i can understand that it must be hard to open up to people and really speak about your feeling coz sometimes you think that nobody would understand or they would think that your old enough to deal with it yourself,but everybody needs someone from time to time.and when you try to open up to someone,like your boyfriend,and then they are no longer there for you it can seem like they hav betrayed your trust and it can be really hard for you to trust some else.and you want someone there for you,like you were there for you friends and it seems like they only care about their own problems,but im sure if you try they would listen and try to return the favour,it has to be worth a try.
people 'cut' as a form of escapism,they find the physical pain allows them to forget about the emotional pain for a lil while.is this true for you?if this is your coping method then stick with it,but i think that maybe you should try and stop.this sounds alot easier then it is but i think it would be best in the long run.you could try and channel your feeling in a differnt way,maybe by writing a poem about how your feeling,or maybe write a letter to your dad to say some of the things that you would if he was here.anything that you feel comfortable with.i hope i hav been of some help and please feel free to send another message if you feel the need.take care and good luck.

Reply from: zoe - 20 Jan 04

Subject: thanx

'cutting' is a form of escapism for me. ive tried so many other things like riting letters to him and poems, but it seems to get me more upset. as it was 16 years ago a lot of people do feel i should have gotten over it by now, ive over heard people talkin bout me. so thats another reason i bottle it up. thanx for your understanding, it does mean alot, being able to say wot i kinda feel without being judged or talked about.

Reply from: citizen x - 23 Jan 04

Subject: (no subject)

hi zoe,people are wrong.just becoz it was so long ago it doesnt make it any easier what so ever,and i know what it can be like to have people judge you and talk about you behind your back,especially when they're suppose to be your friends and it hurts.i personally feel betrayed when this happens.i think it a good thing that you find it helpful to get things out even if it is just on the message board.and i also think that you need to keep trying to find a way to channel your feeling and stop cutting.but again this can only be done when your ready,take care and write back if you feel the need.

Reply from: zoe - 29 Jan 04

Subject: (no subject)

im goin to be seeing a psychiatrist wednesday, so im goin to see how that goes and hopefully sort my head out. i dont want the past to eat away at me but 5 years of grief i have been bottleing up is coming out now and i cant bottle it any more. with my friends it could just be paranoia on my part with distanceing myself, i really dont know. thanx for replying.

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