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Subject:
My Biggest Regret
My Dad and I never really got on.
We always fought with each other.
Our relationship was horrible.
But regardless...He was my Dad
Around the time of my 16th birthday we had a fight over the phone.
A lot of bad stuff was said.
We both yelled at each other.
I told him exactly what I thought of him.
"you're nothing more than a *&%!¬ &*£^%"^& #@%"
He replied
"well you're no better"
I put the phone down.
About a year later (Age 17)
I was driving through the city.
I stopped at some pedestrian lights.
My Dad crossed the road in font of me.
He look straight at me.
He was so close to me.
He looked away.
And walked away.
It destroyed me.

I was too afraid to call.
Too ashamed to go round.
And too stubborn to write a letter.
My biggest regrets

Six months later (Age 17 & A Half)
I'm at the cinema with some friends.
My Ma calls.
She tells me my Dad has died.
He'd had a heart attack.
He'd been dead for a week before he had been found.
I was so angry.
How could he leave me. Again.

After the funeral.
I found out that my best mate and my Ma had known for a week before they told me.
They lied to me.
Again, I was angry.

My Ma sent me straight back to college.
With no time to get over my Dads death.

People have always perceived me to be strong.
So no one asked how I was.
My Ma's family avoided the subject.
And my Dads family disowned me.
Everyone just expected me to cope.
I was so alone.

I drank to ease the pain.
Got into fights to release my anger.
And abused my body to escape.

I'm now 21.
And the pain is still there.
I've stopped being so angry.
And started regretting.
Not Calling.
Not Visiting.
Not Writing.

I would give everything.
To have back the man that:
I fought
I Hated
Bruised me
Scarred me
Destroyed me
Coz he was my Dad and I need him now more than ever.