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Message from: Samaya - 27 Nov 03

Subject: My dearest friend Dorian

One of my best friends Dorian tradicially died on November 23rd. Dorian will be sorely missed by all his friends and family. Even though he is not with us I know he will be with us in all of our hearts and our thoughts. He was such a good person, kind, caring, and best of all he always knew how to make everyone smile.
I know Dozz will be watching over us, looking out for us.
Dozz you will always be with me. I'll never forget you. You were one of the best friends ever.
Take care babe. I'll love you always. Bye for now honey. xxxxxxx

Subject: friends

I know how it feels to lose a close friend, as just over a month ago I lost 3 of my best friends! I now how hard it is to cope and to live life without them. I hope you can believe that you will see your friend again, you just have to wait until its time for the two of you to be reunited. I'm sure he will always be with you wherever you go, and he will look after you and be your gardien-angel! That might sound sad but it's what i'd like to believe about my friends. I know it might be hard for you to cope with your emotions, as I myself still find it hard to believe that they're not coming back. If you ever need to talk then just send me a message as I would be happy to share what I am going through with you, and maybe we could help each other. Take care and try to keep smiling, luv Jemma xxx

Subject: thanks

Thanks for what you told me. It helped me alot. It's nice to know that other people are feeling the same thing as me. What you said is what i have been thinking. I've been telling myself that he's watching over me. It's not sad about him being my gardian angel its really nice. It has helped me by what you told me. Im sorry for your loss aswell. You should take some of your own advice. It helped me. What i find helps is talking to Dorian, altough he doesn't actually reply back i know that he can hear me. it makes me feel as if he is still hear. It does help coz i have tried it. I've brought plants for my own little memorial for him. I know that he would appreciate it. I's something special from me to him. I dont know if the same thing happens to you but little things keep reminding him of me and i get upset again. If it happens to you maybe you could help me to move on slowly. We could slowly move on together. It is little things like his fav song (black eye peas- where is the love) and his fav hang out place. Jusy little things like that.
I think that if we try then we could move on together. How about it? Speak to you soon.
Samaya xxxxx

Subject: ....

Hi, I totally understand what you mean about little things reminding you of him. Almost everywhere I go reminds me of my boyfriend and there are quite a lot of places that remind me of my other two friends. My boyfriends fav song was black eyed peas-where is the love, aswell! :) He made me a cd with loads of his fav songs and I like listening to it because it brings back all the memories of us being together. He had a car so we listened to music all the time. I think it's really nice that you are aving your own special memorial for Dorian, I'm sure he would be very grateful and glad to know how much you care about him! To what you said about talking to Dorian, I have always thought about talking to them but was never sure if it actually would help but thank you for telling me that you do because I now feel like I can. When you get reminded about Dorian by the little things, just try to think of how much fun you had together with these things. Like his fav place to hang out- remember all the fun times you had there! I found it really hard to go anywhere to start with because everywhere I went reminded me of them but now I find it easier because I just think that they'll still be listening to that music or going to these places, because they are completely free and can do whatever they want. I liked what a lot of people wrote on the cards of the flowers- Forever Young, Forever Free, Forever Remembered! I don't really know how to help you, but if we both tell each other what we feel maybe it would be easy to understand each other better. Hope you reply soon. Thanx a million for your message
Jemma xxxx

Subject: (no subject)

Hiya im back. Im glad that im not the only one that talks to him as if he is still here. It's a bit of a coincidence that both there fav songs were Black Eye Peas. I love that song now i listen to it as much as i can coz i know that Dozz would be listening to it.
Some people don't actually understand how i feel about dozz. My boyfriend thought that i had been cheating on him with dozz cos i was so upset about him being taken away from us.
He now understands how i feel because i have talked to him about it. He doesn't totally understand coz he didn't know dorian. But i know that if he knew dorian then he would feel the same as me and all of dorians friends and family. It's like a part of me is missing.
It must have been horrible to have lost your boy friend. Dorian was a best friend and when i lost him i thought that it was the end of the world. I cant imagine how you must have felt when you lost your boy friend. I know that if i lost my boy friend then i wouldn't have the will power to carry on.
The way that i think now is that Dozz has gone to a better place. No more pain or anger. Just love. Somewhere special that he would have loved to be.
When ever i get upset i always think that if Dorian was with me he'd be telling me to cheer up. He'd be making me laugh. Dozz always Knew how to put a smile on everyones face. He'd always put everyone else before himself. One of the things that keeps me going is knowing that he's up there having a great time and enjoying himself. Proberley doing what he loved most either on his bike or with loads of women around him.
I have read the message that you left for my friend Dylan. It has helped him alot as he doesn't really like to talk about how he feels.
Dorian was also one of Dylans best friens. Coz we all hang around in a big crowd.
Thanks for replying. It is nice to know that someone who didn't even know Dorian cares.
He would be really gratefull that you are helping me and giving me advice on how to accept that he is gone. And helping me come to terms with it.
I know that he's up there waiting for me and everyone else who loves and cares for him. The same goes for your boyfriend, he's waiting for you and when the right time comes they will meet us. And we'll all be reunited with our loved ones.

Subject: (no subject)

Hi, I'm glad that you think I am helping you. At least I'm some use to someone! I'm so happy that you have a boyfriend to talk to and lots of friends that knew Dorian, it must be good to have ppl to speak to. I know what you mean about not having the will power to carry on because that's how I felt for ages. I thought about killing myself to be with him and didn't believe there was any point living unhappy without him! But I know that he wouldn't want that for me and that he'd want me to live the best life I could. If he were here he'd be telling me to live life to the full. Ppl find it hard to make me smile, but it came easily to him. He could always make me laugh and that's why I loved being with him, he made me so happy! He had the cutest smile and he always told me that he loved it when I smiled. I can't really smile anymore but I do try, because I know that's what he would want! I'm sure that if you and your friends jst keep remembering the good times and having a laugh about the fun times you spent together Dorian will be very happy. I'm sure that he would prefer it if you were all happy! I can't wait to meet my boyfriend again and I'm sure that Dorian will be waiting for all of you! It sounds like you were really close and although he's probably having loads of fun, he'll be missing you! I think it would be good if you and Dorian's other friends kept visiting his grave and puting flowers down there because his family would be happy to know that no-one is forgetting him! May I ask how old you are? Take care love Jemma xxx

Subject: (no subject)

Hiya its me again. Sorry it took so long to reply, i haven't been on here for a while. I've been busy.
I wrote a poem to Dozz about how i feel and remember him.
The things that you said are exactly how i feel.
I've been finding it hard to cope without him. A few people have said that im loosing weight. Someone told me that im going to make myself ill.
But i dont feel right. Im not eating properly, i know that i should coz dorian would'nt want me to get ill. But to be honest i dont care.
Xmas is comming and it's going to be even harder. Im already finding it hard. Normally every ones running round all excited giving xmas cards and presants. But this year it doesn't feel right to be happy. Usually we give cards and presants but knowing that we cant give a presant or card to dozz or get one off him is off putting.
It's going to be even harder for his family i no that but it's also hard for his friends.
I am 16. Why? How old are you?
Dozz was 15.
I found out about his accident on my 16h birthday. (24th november). But he actually died the day before. (23rd november)
Iv'e started to get in contact with dorians dad. Iv'e wrote him a letter to thank him. He's doing so much for me, and we hav'nt actually met. And i no thats it's hard for him aswell. Proberley harder.
Yes me and Dozz were close.
He's the sort of person who could make you smile just by walking into the room. He'd always have a twinkle in his eye and a big cheeky grin.
And best of all he made me feel special like the only person that mattered. He had that effect with everyone.
I hope that your loss does'nt get to you too much over xmas and new year. I no that it will be hard for me. We just have to try to be strong and always remember that the thing they'd want most is for us to be happy and celebrate the life that they had.
I know that dozz had a good life. He was a good athlete and gymnast.
His moto was always try something once coz you'll never know if you like it other wise! I have learnt alot from Dozz.
Plz get in contact soon.
Loadza luv samaya xxxx

Subject: me again! : )

Hi, there was no reason to the question about your age I just wondered. I'm 14 and I'll be 15 on 28th December. Lee was 18. I got a christmas card from Lee's mum and dad and one from his sister the other day, so I'll prob go round to their house at the weekend to give them their cards and a little present. I find it so hard to imagine how its gonna be for them on christmas because I know how hard it is for me and it must be 10 times worse for them! I wish I could giv him something for christmas but there's not much more I can do than get flowers for his grave. And he wasn't really interested in flowers when he was alive (believe it or not!!!) At least he is with his 2 friends and his granda, so I know he won't be spending christmas alone. I'm sure Dorian will have a relative that is with him now! He sounds like such a nice person and you are lucky to have had such a wonderful friend! Although they are not here they will forever be in our lives! and they will be with us for christmas! Its good to keep talking about them because its good to let out all your feelings and keep their spirits alive! Speak to you soon, loads of love Jemma xxx

Subject: merry xmas

Hiya. Yes i know what you meen, it's hard enough for me at the moment but then i think about how dozz's family must be feeling. And it makes me feel guilty.
Dozz's dad done a poem for me, and gave me this really nice picture of dozz. I thought that was really nice of him and he has invited me over to his and invited me to a kareoke night. He is doing so much for me and i havn't even met him yet.
Me and Dozz's dad are organising a kareoke for at school. It just seems wierd how much closer every one has become. No body fights or argues any more.
It does'nt seem worth the hassle, if there's any thing that i've learnt from Dozz then it's 'lifes to short to waste'.
It's good that your staying in touch with your boyfriends family he would have wanted you to be friends. It seems wierd that all though they are not with us anymore, they still make us laugh and smile. I was thinking about something the other day and i just started laughing. It was something that Dozz had said to me before.
It's a good feeling though.
I don't know if you ever get the same feeling, but im scared that im gonna forget Dozz. I get like that sometimes.

Hope you don't get to down over xmas. Your boyfriend would want you to be happy. If you dont mind me asking what was your boyfriends name?
Have a good xmas and be happy.
Speak to you soon.
Loadza luv samaya xxxxx

Subject: Merry xmas

My boyfriend was called Lee. I feel exactly the same as you about feeling that I'm gonna forget him. But there are too many good memories just to forget and thats why it is really good to keep speaking about them because then they will neva be forgotten! I don't know why, but last night I just couldn't stop crying and i was just wishing that I could die. I don't wanna be here anymore and I've got no-one to talk to! I'm going to the cemetery today to put down a little angel ornament and some flowers. Going to his grave just makes it more real, but it's nice to be able to go somewhere to speak to him.
I hope you have a good christmas!
heaps of luv Jemma xxxxx

Subject: dont worry

Hiya, hope that you had a good xmas.
You are right about that there are too many good memory's to forget about them, i went over to Dorians house to see his dad and he gave me some more photo's of Dozz now. He also gave me a CCTV picture of when they last saw Dorian alive.
I sometimes get those times when im feeling really down and don't have the will power to carry on, but you cant think like that, Lee would want you to carry on with your life as normal as possible. And enjoy it while you can, because they are a good example to us that life's to short and you never know what will happen tomorrow.
You are very honered to have been so close to Lee while he was still alive.
He wouldnt want you to be sad and upset, you should carry on your life knowing that when the right time comes then you will be together again. And that he would want the best in life foe you and if you really want it you can get it.
A few people have said that they are worried about me, friends, teachers and Dorians dad even said it. My depty head rang my mum saying that the school was worried about me, I think that they make it worse fussing all the time, different people grieve in different ways and I think that they should just leave me alone to do my own thing. If i want help i'll ask for it. It really annoy's me when people poke their noses in when there not wanted.
You are brave because I know that it's been really hard for me loosing my best friend, but if I lost my boyfriend then i would have done something stupid by now. He's my soul mate. And i love him with all my heart.
But we've got to try and hold onto the good times that we had, and remember and cherish them for ever.
I've been thinkig I don't think that I will forget Dozz, the memories will become more special as time goes by.
I hope that your memories of Lee will become more special as time goes by aswell.
And remember if you ever need to talk i'm here so just send me a message and i'll do my best for you, just like you do for me.

Hope to hear from you soon.
Loadsa luv samaya xxx

Subject: I'm confused......

Christmas was ok but nothing special! Hope u had a good one! At new year someone that I really like asked me if I would go out with him and I said yes, he's really nice and understands that I still think about Lee but the thing is he'll neva be Lee and that's who I want. I don't know if I've done the right thing by saying yes, I feel really confused!? Yesterday I jst couldn't stop crying about Lee, Ann-Marie and Sean!!! I haven't cried for so long and it jst all of a sudden hit me again. I got more recent photos 2day from lee's sister and it was a total shock to see his face. This might sound bad but I had kind of forgotten how good looking he was! He looks so happy in the photos and its jst really upsetting that he cant be here to have fun anymore, although I know he'll be making the most of wherever he is! I miss him so much and jst wish he could have gotten to do all the things that he wanted to......its so not fair! I've realised that suicide is definitely not a good idea because my cousin's husband's brother took his own life jst a few days ago and its left a lot of people totally heart broken and I would neva want to do that to my family! It just hurts so much to know that i'll neva get to be with him again and I wish he could be here to tell me that everythings gnna be ok! I've gotta do a talk at school 2moro and I'm doing a talk about Lee and the accident! Hope I don't cry infront of evry1. Welol hope ur ok, lots and lots of love....Jemma xxxxx

Subject: try and be happy

I think that it's a good idea that you go out with someone else. It might help you to get over the death. As long as he doesn't preasure you coz grieving can be a very slow process and painfull. As we both Know. But just remember that you'll never forget lee.
It's good that your doing a talk on lee, it might help if other people know how you feel, they may be able to support you and help you when you need it. I know that bottleing it up doesnt help anything it just makes things worse. I found just talking to people about what sort of person he was helps me and how i feel about it now helps as well.
Let me know how your talk went.
Speak to you soon. loadsa luv Samaya xxxxxx

Subject: ..........

Hey, i did my talk, it was really scarey but i was determined to do well and i know he would have been proud of me! well i hope so anyway! I took the photos of him and the road safety petition. I had practised loads the night before and was positive that i wouldn't cry, but guess what happened...........i did! i got thru the first part about how much fun he was but when it came to the part about how i feel now i jst couldn't hold it in. The teacher said i could stop if i wanted to but i knew that it would be best to be strong and carry on so i finished it! The whole class stayed behind after the bell to sign the petition! I thought that was very nice of them! i'm going to see his mum, dad and sister on saturday so i can giv them it bk. Cant stop thinking about him and i'm addicted to looking at the photos of him!!! its hard being with my friends cuz they've got boyfriends and are always on the phone to them saying that they love them and thats the way me and lee used to be, i wish i could have that bk! I'll never feel as good as i did when i was with him.....life isn't worth the bother anymore! well hope you're doing ok.....hope 2 hear from u soon loads and loads of love, Jemma xxx

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