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Message from: Slugama - 24 Nov 03

Subject: not coping

A year ago i lost my step mother, but at the time i was overseas in Australia so i couldn't go to her funeral or anything. Now my sisters ex-boyfirend who she is still best friends with and who i think of as a brother, his mother (who i also thought of as a second mother) died of cancer. This was just a month ago. I am still not over the death of my step mother and now this happened. I know that its no ones fault when you deal with cancer but i can't help but feel taht everyone that i get close to gets sick. i wish that i could deal with this but i'm not coping. all of my friends think that i'm trying to get attention or that i need to see a coucillor or somthing. but everytime i try to talk to people the words don't come out. i choke up and start to cry. i've been writting a lot becasue its the only way that i can really let my emotions come out. i'm not sure what to do. i can't seem to funtion at school and i feel so stupid sometimes.

Subject: ......

Hi Slugama,
I'm really sorry you have so much to cope with right now. I remember reading your original message about losing your step mum and I know you struggled with it, especially being out of the country at the time; so I really am sorry you have another bereavement to cope with.

I'm sorry to hear that people at school aren't being more understanding, they're just lucky they haven't had to experience loss like we have.
I think writing down how you feel is fab, have you thought about posting some of your work on here? I wrote a short poem about one of the message board users who died and posted it; it felt good to know that others could read my poem and maybe get something out of it.

I don't know what to say about school except you aren't stupid, you just have a lot of stuff in your head right now. I hope you feel better soon. Msg back if you would like to, I'll be happy to answer.

Take care of yourself
Alexis
xxxxxx

Subject: ...

i don't know what to do?
I feel like i'm pushing everyone away...my friends dont understand. they think that i'm weird...they think that i'm not coping...well its true i'm not. i placed one of my poems in the gallery but its not a very good one. i'm scared that they i will open out my heart and people will think different of me. i know that that is stupid and that you don't even really know who i am and that you will never meet me but its still the chance that someone from school will come on and work out who i am. in a way it would be good for people to know that i'm still not coping but. they are now...instead of treating me like i'm just trying to get attention they are treating me like i'm different. like i've got some desease. they treat me like they are scared that if they say anything remotely funny of stupid or anything about death then i will break down. i feel like screaming and yelling poeple to treat me like i'm normal. like i'm not differnt to everyone else in the world. like i'm not stupid and that i'm not an emotional wreck. they dont understand that while they say anything that they think might upset me...and then i see them nudge each other and give each other expressions which say be quite you...look at who is in the room...it drives me crazy. what am i suposed to do. i can't talk to them anymore...i'm pushing them away and i don't know how to stop

Subject: (no subject)

im so sorry 2 hear abt ur loss, it mustve hit u hard. i lost my best mate 1 and a half years ago to a house fire. i got depressed + every1 called me an attention seeker 2, even teachers! so i kno were ur cuming from pet. i went to a counsellor, sumtimes i didnt even say nething, it took a few months for her 2 get me talking, its a very slow process, but it can help. in my case it didnt. if u dont wanna talk 2 a counseller, how abt sum1 else. try + explain 2 ur friends wat its like 2 b u+ try to get them to understand+ let them kno ur not seekin attention. let me kno how it goes.

Subject: another blow

i've been seeing a coucillor n she is not really helping. i feel like she really just doesn't understand...and about a month ago i found out that my mum has cancer too. this is really hard for me because it has basically been found too late. i try to be strong for her but it is really like anyone who i think of as a mum is going to go and die on me. i know that i shouldnt give up on her yet but its so hard. my friends are getting better. especially with the latest news. its worries me and i'm not really sure what to do. i'm a bit worried. well more than a bit. dont really talk much anymore. but my friends still treat me different. they dont invite me anywhere anymore becuse they are scared taht i will get upset.
thank you for your concern

Subject: Another blow

Hi Slugama,
I'm so sorry to hear the sad news about your mum; will she be having any treatment or have the doctors decided it's best not to?

I can understand why you feel like every mother figure in your life is being taken away.

My mum was ill before she died and even though it was the hardest thing we ever had to do, me and my brothers and sisters tried to make every day really special for her; we even celebrated mothers day a week early because we knew she would be gone by then.

I do understand how impossible it seems to carry on, right now, but if you can have a go at trying to be strong for your mum, I bet she'd really appreciate it.

As far as your friends go, I'm really glad things have improved a bit, I can only encourage you to keep talking to them; and if they aren't inviting you to go out, invite yourself! Ask them when they're going and where, then tell them you'll be joining them, it might be worth a try.
Look forward to hearing from you soon.
Take care of yourself.
Love
Alexis
xxx

Subject: not sure what to think

hi,
my mum is havingn cemo (sorry i can't spell) and radiation. I'm not sure really how to act around her. I've been through all of this before with my step mum but i'm scared that she is going to die and i'm not going to be here again. I'm scared taht i'm not going to be here for her when i need to be. i'm scared that everyone else is gonig to die as well. not just mother figures but friends as well. i'm scared for everyone and i'm finding it really hard to keep my friends. I have been inviting myself some places but alot of the time they tell me...perhaps it would be better if i wasn't there becasue they dont want to upset me. they keep on telling me that i should spend the time with my mum and not with them because they will be around at the end of the year and its not really certain if my mum will be or not. its true i feel guilty if i'm not with her but she doesn't want me to spend all of my time with her. she tells me to go out. she looks her happiest when she knows that i wont have to spend the day looking after her and that i will be going to have fun with my friends. i try explaining this to my friends but they dont really understand because they have never had to go through this. i wouldn't want anyone else to go through this. some of my friends came over to the house a couple of days ago and they saw how frail she was. ever since then they have been treating me different agian. i feel like screaming. it never really got back to normal agian although it was getting better. but now its not anymore. sometimes i do scream. the school has called and are concerned that when school commences that i wont be able to cope with all of the work. that i wont be able to deal with all of the emotions that i'm going to be dealing with. i better go now.
Thank you for your support
Slugama

Subject: (no subject)

Hi Slugama,
I can hear from your message that you're feeling really frightened right now, I can understand that with all the different things going on for you.

It must be maddening for you, when you feel like your friends are treating you differently, the only thing I could suggest is to be honest and open with them about how you feel; maybe if they can understand how frustrating it is that they don't treat you the same any more, they might make the effort to improve that.
It sounds like your friends are pretty scared too, they haven't had to deal with a friend going through such a difficult and emotional time before so maybe they think it's best to do what they can to avoid upsetting you; you could think about trying to let them know that being upset is okay; that sometimes you may get upset about your mum and other times you may not, if they can accept that, you might find them more supportive. I still think you should insist on going out too!

I understand you must be frightened to leave your mum sometimes but do you have a mobile phone? If you can be sure she has a way to contact you if you are needed you might feel more comfortable about going out, maybe you could leave a friends number with her if you don't have a phone. I think it would be good for her to know that you are trying to keep going with your life because that's what she wants.

I hear what you're saying about your counsellor, it sounds like you've never built a good relationship with her; does your school have anything like that? You might find that you get on ok with a different counsellor, it could be worth looking into.

I hope some of these more practical suggestions have been helpful Slugama, I know what an incredibly scary and difficult time you're going through.

I hope to hear from you soon; take care of yourself.
Love
Alexis
xxxxx

Subject: ....

i got a new coucillor...she is much better...just lets me sit there when i dont want to or can't talk...yes i do have a mobile...and i use it as a life line...my mum tell me to go out...she hates seeing me at home on the weekend and i do go out more now...i talked to my friends like you suggested and they ask me to come out more now...i dont like staying out too late though so i try to be home at a proper time. i like to say good night to my mum as well...she seems to be deterierating though...we try to go out for drives a bit...she keeps telling me taht i should go on exchange again...but i say no..not while she is like what she is like...i seem to treasure each day more...need to have each day closer to me...each day with her..i think to myself is this the last day...and so i try and make it pressious...i love my mum soo much...but i thought of my step mum as more of a mum than my mum...but even since she died i've gotten close and closer to my mum. its true i'm scared...i'm scared about a lot of things...but the main fear is that my mum will be gone soon...she wont get to see me finish school or univeristy..also i'm scared that she will die while i'm not there...which is a reason why my mobile is always turned on and on me...thank you for you advice

Liane
xxx

Subject: slugama

Hi Liane,
Thanks for you msg, sorry it took so long to reply.

I can hear how you've gathered your strength for your mum, you should be really proud of yourself. I can understand your mum suggesting you go on exchange again, 'cos she wouldn't want you to see her become so ill, but I have to agree with you, now isn't the time.

I think it's great you're managing to try and stay positive, making every day as special as you can, and treasuring the moments you have together.

I can understand as time passes, you're feeling more scared of leaving her in case she takes a turn for the worse but, again, I think it's important to know that she wants to see you carrying on with your life as far as possible.

I also want to say thanks for sharing your name with me, I've never been sure how to pronounce your nickname!

I've not been doing gr8 these last couple of weeks but I think I'm starting to come out of it now, I think when feelings about other things build up, for me, the grief thing always seems to come back. I guess it's because we crave the comfort of the person / people we've lost.

Anyway, I better go. I look forward to hearing from you soon, take care of yourself.

Love
Alexis
xxxxx

Subject: as the bad day dawned

well, thanks for your reply
i hope that you start gaining some strength from yourself too. you seem like a very strong person and i have gained a lot of comfort from talking to you. My mum has gotten worse and worse. she is now in hospital and they dont expect her to make it out again. this is very hard for me. they say that this awful desease is progressing a lot faster than they had expected. i dont go out as much anymore as i spend all of my spare time at the hospital. when she is having a good day it really is a good day, but when she is having a bad day...well i hate seeing her like that. anyway i'm getting a bit upset writting this at the moment. i only just droped in to check my email and to see back here as well. thank you for all of your support though this terrible time
Slugama
xxx

Subject: Too fast

Dearest Liane,
Thanks for your msg, it's good of you to take the time to write back.

I can't tell you how sorry I am to hear that your mum has taken such a turn for the worse. My mum was only ill for six weeks before she died (from cancer) and I think one of the most difficult things was that everything just happened too fast, I remember walking round in a state of shock not being able to take in what was going on.

I can hear that you're feeling pretty shocked right now, all the indications were that this time would be further away. It's as if the days are slipping away from you and there's nothing you can do to stop it.

It must be hard for you, spending all your time at the hospital. Obviously, you wouldn't want to be anywhere else right now, but I remember how draining it can be, watching your mum go through pain and discomfort, especially, like you say, when it's a "bad day". I remember that those were the days I found it hardest to keep going, and keep smiling for her.

I am proud of you for supporting your mum the way you are and I want you to know I will be here for you whenever you need some support for yourself.

It's difficult to know what else to say because I understand what a difficult time you're going through. All I will say is, try to go easy on yourself and take care.

Love
Alexis
xxxxx

Subject: she couldn't fight it any longer

on the 25th january my mum lost her fight to cancer. this is the 3rd mother figure taht i have lost to this awful desease. my sister and i are devistated. i havn't been back to school since and i think taht i probably should go back soon. although i have already lost 2 other mother figures in my life and although my mum and i were not that close until the end and i thought of the other 2 as more of mothers than i thought of her her death has hurt me the most. i dont know how to act. i feel like i have this big hole inside and i dont know who to act around anyone. not that at the moment i really care what anyone thinks. my school keeps calling and asking if i am comming back or not. i have told them that i will be becasue i will be sitting my gcse's this year but i can't cope really i havn't stoped crying since it happend and it has now been 2 weeks, and the last week of her life i didn't stop crying either because she wasn't really with us then either. i haven't slept since either and i would give up everything just to have her back with me. i was with her when she died...and i'm glad that i was buecase i know that i couldn't have gone through that agian, of not being there. people drop around to give their condolences and the service was a lovely one. very beautiful, and i'm sure that she would have liked it too if she was there. i'm concidering going back to school again and my councillor thinks that i would be a good idea just to get back into some routine and to keep me busy. i'm not sure though i'm quite scared about this. my councillor has also told me that i dont even have to go for a full day and that i could just go for one subject and then build it up and see how i go. that might be a good idea too
anyway i better go now
slugama

Subject: Mum

Dearest Slugama,
I cant tell you how sorry I am to hear your sad news; I can understand how incredibly hard you are finding this time, especially considering the grief you have already experienced.

I am glad, for you, that you were with your mum when she died, I know the pain you went through after being abroad when your step mum died. I feel that I need to let you know that it's okay to cry, I know it feels as if the tears will never stop, but I believe they will when it's time.

I would also like to let you know that it is perfectly normal to be wondering "how to act", such a big change has taken place in your life that even day to day things can seem strange. I know the feeling you are talking about when you say you have a big, gaping hole inside you, but I can promise you it will get smaller in time.

I am glad you are seeing a counsellor and I hope you are getting some support from them. I think it's really positive that you are thinking about going back to school and I think it's great the school are being reasonable about allowing you to do it a bit at a time; I'd like to encourage you to take your time, nobody will pressure you to rush back if you don't feel ready.

I wonder if your counsellor might be able to suggest anything to help you sleep; you must be feeling absolutely exhausted, and if you are thinking of going back to school, you could probably do with a good rest first. You could also have a look at the 'when someone dies' section in the personal area of this site, where there are some suggestions for things to do if you can't sleep.

I hope you have found this message helpful. I'm going to go now, take care of yourself. I will look forward to hearing from you soon.

Love
Alexis
xxxxxx

Subject: ...

hey
thanks for your support,
i have read that board and it has been a little helpful
this is only going to be short becasue i have to try and sleep now
i havn't been sleeping at all
i went back to school and its really hard, i've missed so much
i never know what to say or anything with my friends and they dont know what to say to me either
one of my friends mums has invtited me to go and stay with her for a while to get myself back on my feet and my dad has agreed cause he thinks it will be good for me to have a female infulence around.
i'm so scared i'm here and she is being really nice but i'm scared to get close to let her in.
i've built a wall around myself and no one can penetrate it
i'm thinking of posting another poem of mine in the gallary so keep an eye out
thank you for all your support etc
Slugama

Subject: (no subject)

Hi Slugama,
I'm sorry it's taken so long to reply, I've had tons goin on.

Hows it goin for you? Have you managed to get any help with sleepin? Having read your last msg, I can understand why you would build an emotional wall round yourself; at the moment if you feel that's how you can protect yourself then, I think, go for it. I'm confident it wont last forever and you're still talkin to us about how you're feelin instead of keepin everythin bottled up.

I can imagine how hard it was goin back to school too, feelin like you've missed so much. Do you feel like you're managin to catch up? Are you goin full time now?

It's weird when your friends don't know what to say isn't it? they only do it cos they care but it's all so awkward with them trying to avoid talkin about their mums and stuff.

I hope you are starting to feel a little better. Msg back soon and let me know how you're doin. Take care.

Love
Alexis
xxx

Subject: everything just isn't right

hey, thanks for your reply
i've moved in with one of my friends now, and i'm supposed to stay here for a little bit...we only live up the street so i still see my dad everyday. its wierd i thought that at a time like this he would need me. but i suppose they were divorced so i guess he doesnt' really.
its just so hard. yer i've court up a lot cause i've poured all my energy into my school work so that i will keep myself busy...well that is what i'm telling myself. i used to be ok at school and i'm not commingin the middle again.
what i really want is for my mum and step mum to be back but i know that that will never happen. i've also been going to church a lot more. i was always going before but i never really payed that much attention..i sorta just went cause yes i belived in everything but becasue it was a thing to do. since all of this though i have been actually paying more attention. talking to the pastor a lot more as well.
i feel very wierd at school and i've become some what of aloner. a just go and sit by myself a lot of the time. i spend most of my time in the libary as well. i tell people that i've got a lot of work to do and i have to catch up. which is true but its also becasue i dont want to see their eyes. i dont want to see the pity. and i dont want to hear the whipers.
its hard and i never know exactly what to say even to my friends. the girl who i'm staying with at the moment knows why i go away when i do and i have been confiding in her alot. but she understands and leave it at home. at school she never asks anythingo f me. but she has told me that whenever i can come and sit when her and my old group of friends again. she is different to everyone else. she has stoped giving me the looks. but i think she does when i'm not there. but i dont care. as long as i dont know that its happening i dont care what people say. the worst thing is the whispers and looks which i know that are happening
i just really dont know what to do
thanks again
liane

Subject: Feeling Strange

Hi Liane,
Thanks for answering my msg. I can hear from you reply that everything is still feeling pretty strange for you, right now. It's so hard when your friends don't know what to say, and look at you with pity in their eyes but I think they just hate to see us going through such pain; they're lucky 'cos they're not able to imagine how much it hurts to lose someone close but it hurts to see a friend suffer to.

The girl you're staying with sounds great. It sounds like she is there for you and when you're ready. She seems like a good person to be around 'cos she wont put any pressure on you, and you feel that she understands how you're feeling. It's good to know you have someone like that around.

I can understand why you feel like hiding away at the moment and I guess it's no bad thing if you're catching up with your work but the pitying looks and the awkwardness with friends wont last forever and maybe, before too long, you might feel ready to join them again, what do you think?

I get a sense, from your msg, that maybe you're missing your dad - I know you see him all the time but I think I'm picking up on you saying he doesn't need you, It's just that I kind've assumed he was getting you to stay at friends because he thought it was best for you rather than 'cos he didn't need you, would that be right? Even though your mum and dad were divorced I bet he misses her, they had you together and that's a bond that never dies.

Anyway, I'd better get going. Keep in touch, Liane, I'd really like us to keep talking through here. I know that you are finding things hard right now but I'm here to support you in any way I can. Take care.

Love
Alexis
xxxxx

Subject: Anniversary

Hi Liane,
I just thought I'd post a quick one to let you know I'm thinkin of you. It's my mums anniversary today (14 years) and, as you know, them days always bring it to the front of your mind.

I'm going to visit the cemetry with flowers later. I hope you're doing okay, look after yourself.

Take care, Love
Alexis
xxxxx

Subject:(no subject)

i'm so sorry, yes i do understand about anniversaries, they just bring everything to the front of your mind. sorry i havn't been on here for a while, but i've been in hospital for a while, my mum would ahve been there with me through this which has also made it harder. i've moved home again with my dad and he is looking after me again. my sister is not taking this very well either, not only have i lost 3 mother figures so has she, and now although i have decided for myself that i'm not going to die she is now looking at loosing me as well, and i can see from the look in her eyes that she is thinking that but trying to be strong at the same time. i am not going to school anymore, i have taken the rest of the year off, not that there is all the long to go anyway, and i'm going to see how i'm going next year to see if i can go back or not. anyway i should go now. i'm sorry about the anniverary, i totally understand these feelings.
Liane xxx

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