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Message from: Slugama - 10 Oct 03

Subject: feeling guilty

My stepmum died a year ago now but i was in Australia at the time on exchange. I had only been gone for a week when she died and i found out through an email from my dad. I feel really guilty because i feel as if i should have known. She had cancer and had been living with it for a few years. I'm not really sure what i should be feeling...my sis tells me that i should be over it by now as it has been a year but i was not around to be able to get over it. I feel like i should have been around next to her bed when she died, been at her funeral...she was cremated and my dad wants to give me some of her ashes because i did not get to go to her funeral. I feel really bad because i never know how to act around him and so have not been around him much. I feel so lonley and i think that i'm going crazy because i keep on thinking about death and my own death.

Subject: DON'T WORRY!!

Hey Slugama, i lost my sister just over a year ago and i no exactly wot u mean about feeling guilty. Although i wasn't half way around the world when my sister died, i was on my way 2 the hospice. She had been ill for only 6months and in dat time she went from being a completely normal teenager to not bein able 2 do anything 4 herself.
My dad luked after her in the 6months and she didn't no dat she was dying.
I feel the exact same way in the whole guilt thing. i mean i only found out my sister was dying a month b4 she actually did and i i can't seem to forgive my mum and dad. i've tried to but deep down i'm so annoyed that most of the family knew and i didn't.
The reason i feel guilty as we got on so normal and it didn't actaully hit me that she was dying until she had already so everything was normal so it wasn't anything special. The other thing was the amount of lyin i had to do 2 her. i mean i wasn't allowed 2 tell her.
I'l always feel some guilty but when i had counselling earlier this year i realized Laura (my sister) must no how much i luv her and care for her by the way i've been acting and thinking.
To me your step mum is going to no how much you care for her and how much she is being missed.
Have u tried counselling ??? coz it does help alot.
i've got it into my head to REMEMBER HER WITH A SMILE :-)
i always try and do this although it does hurt so much but she'll no how much i care for her.
So i don't want u to worry coz your step mum knows that u care 4 her and she'll always b missed and neva be 4gotten.
i no itz hurts but gradually an somehow it will get easier for both of us.
try and do wot i do try and
REMEMBER YOUR STEPMUM WITH A SMILE! :-)
Take care
luv rach xoxoxoxox

Subject: thanks Rach

Thank you for your kind words. I know that your sister would have been lucky to have you there with her, and to have you as a sister. You sound like a very kind person. I've been trying to remeber my step mum with a smile and its hard to do becasue most of the time when i see her all i can see is her eyes the last time that i saw her...they were red and like hole in her head...she could hardly open them.
Thank you
Love
Slugama
xxxx

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