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Message from: xx chloe xx , 12 Feb 07

Subject: my mummy

My mum died 5 years a i was 12. She was an alcholoic and my dad gained full custody of me and my brother. I think that broke her heart and together with the cancer it was all too much. The last time i saw her, she couldnt speak, had no hair and was barely alive.
When she rang me i didnt want to speak to her, i was buisy doing something else. I was too buisy to meet her or do mum things. She knew she was dying and i rejected every attempt she made to spend quality last times with me.
It was so hard growing up at that age with my dad and my brother plus my other brothers from my dads previous marraige. I couldnt talk to him at all and the boys are treated like kings in my house, and women are slaves...sort of! My dad works full time from 6.30am to sometimes as late as 12am. I hardly ever saw him. To make it worse, my brother was openly struggling with my mums death and so i was given all the house jobs. I had taken my mums place. It was so stressful at such a young age.
I started to hate my mum for leaving me alone when she knew what my dad was like. It was like she was teaching me a lesson.
5 years on and its still the same. I havnt mourned properly and the mum i thaught i knew turns out to be some one i didnt know at all according to my dad. Im so confused. I just want to leave here, but i think that if i leave im looking for her and she wont be there. Its sad that she cant see me growing up, getting married or having my first child. I wish she was there to have a chat with now. I have so many regrets. People who havnt seen me for years always shoked at how much im like her, which is so comforting to hear.
Loosing your mother at such a young age creates a little hole where a woman figure is needed at that age.
Im really sorry to everyone who has lost someone, before i saw this site i thaught nobody knew how i felt. I cried so much looking at all the photos of people who have died and the messages. I wish i had found this site earlier on, they should make it more avaliable and advertised!!!! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx